Skynet: California

God, Give Me the WilPower

2011-06-21T18:09:00.038-07:00

It was 1991; I was 13 years old, and I dreamed of exploring space, particularly exploring space holding the hand of dreamy, teen-heartthrob, Wil Wheaton. I took a break from writing bad poetry, listening to New Kids on the Block and fantasizing about the way futuristic spandex clung to sinewy, teenage glutes to write a letter to my favorite Star Trek character. Unfortunately, I can only vaguely imagine what said letter contained, as it was jettisoned into Wil's eagerly waiting mailbox twenty years ago.

Fast forward to last weekend: I was thumbing through one of my many Enterprise manuals for the sake of nostalgia with some friends when this amazing little envelope fell out into my lap.

Oh, man! The beloved response I had received from my darling Wesley, tucked away in a Star Trek book and forgotten for decades. Having long since grown up and moved on to more mature pastimes, such as fantasizing about Patrick Stewart, I was bemused and slightly embarrassed at this evidence of my teenage dorkliness. The room was alive with excitement as we pried the relic open to peer at the contents within.

First of all, there was this EPIC picture, complete with what is likely a photocopied signature on the back.

Though I fully appreciate the era-appropriate reference to Bill and Ted, I have to wonder whether the kid was getting paid to pimp Batman or if he was really just that big of a nerd. Given recent evidence on the interwebs, I'm leaning pro-nerd.

The real gem of the collection, however, was this terrible, grainy photocopy of an invitation to join the Wil Wheaton fanclub, boasting almost 1500 members world-wide!!

Now, the membership fee is $12.50 to join and $5 for each following year. I don't see a time limit on this document, so I wonder... if I fire this baby off to Wil's current address with my check for $12.50, what will I get in return? Will he send me whatever has laying around on his desk? Ignore me? Have a good laugh and just cash the check like a bastard, maybe apply it to his terrible sweater fund?

What's a smartass girl to do?

My god Bones, what have I done...

2011-05-30T22:43:00.002-07:00

Where have you gone Edward Furlong?

2011-05-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

Upland Lemon Festival

2011-04-30T23:08:00.003-07:00

So the Skynet crew briefly visited the Upland Lemon Festival today and left with a real sour taste in their mouths. This festival is a real lemon. For starters, there really aren't any lemons. There were food booths, terrible music, and several garish hat booths, but few lemons. One of the two lemonade stands we saw was Hot Dog on a Stick. The crowd wasn't much of a squeeze either. We had hoped we would love it so much, you couldn't peel us away, but it just left us puckered.

Self Aware? Really?

2011-04-21T16:41:00.002-07:00

Apparently, Skynet achieved this state today.

Anyone being slain by their cyborg in your neighborhood? Seen any riderless motorcycles screaming down the highway?

Just asking ...

Fin

Above, Christian Bale trains hard for the sequel, American Terminator Psycho

Sparklecado Update: Stardate 64757.6

2011-04-04T18:55:00.001-07:00

I should probably plant this thing soon.

Governor X's Top Movies of 2010

2011-02-18T19:59:00.005-08:00

While 2010 was pretty bleak music wise, it was more than solid in terms of movies. When compiling this top 10, I had to cut quite a few. Onto the list:

10. Machete
Originally conceived as a joke trailer in between the two films that made up The Grindhouse (Planet Terror was classic, Deathproof was beyond awful), Machete was expanded into a full length feature film by director Robert Rodriguez. Its hilariously over the top action, absurd plot, hamhanded political message and Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun all wrapped into one neat little package.

9. Predators
Predators is easily the best sequel in the series and the only one that can really hold a candle to the original. Don't get me wrong, I liked Alien vs Predator, but it's not going down in history as an action classic. So what's the deal here? Think original Predator, but set on another planet. Adrien Brody will cut you!

8. Harry Brown
Revenge movies and Michael Caine are awesome, so someone finally decided to combine the two. Caine plays an old man named Harry Brown oddly enough who lives in the British equivalent of the projects. When his friend is killed, Harry takes matters into his own hands.

7. Black Swan
Black Swan is a well made, well acted, and fascinating movie that isn't all that pleasant to watch. Sure, Natalie Portman's aggressive masturbation scene is alright by me, but her decent into madness so well done it leaves you feeling a bit off yourself. On a side note, Vincent Cassel has never been so perfectly cast as he is here as a sleazy European ballet troupe leader.

6. The Social Network
A movie about the founding of Facebook didn't sound all that interesting to me but it got such strong reviews I felt compelled to watch it. Its a good movie, but think it and Jesse Eisenberg's performance in particular are a little overrated.

5. Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Sooner or later, Michael Cera's schtick is going to get old. I thought we might be seeing that with Year One and Youth in Revolt. Then came Scott Pilgrim to prove me wrong. This is one of the most original movies I've seen in years. It's shot partly in the style of Nintendo video games as we follow Scott's attempt to defeat his new love interest's seven evil exes.

4. The King's Speech
I really wanted to hate this movie on principle. Before anyone saw it, it was getting Oscar buzz and it seemed like one of those movies that seemed to have no purpose for existing other than collecting gold statues. Try as I might, I couldn't hate it. In fact, I liked it. You know exactly where the story is going and some of the historical facts are handled a bit loosely, but it is an all around fine film.

3. Inception
Inception was good enough that I felt it lost something the second time around and it still made #3 on this list. Leonardo DiCaprio leads a team of people who go inside people's dreams.

2. True Grit
I'm not a huge John Wayne fan, but the original is one of his better films. Jeff Bridges manages to shake off The Dude for a couple hours to bring us a new version of Rooster Cogburn that manages to be better than the original. It isn't just Bridges either, the Coen's version of the 1969 classic is superior in nearly every way.

1. 127 Hours
I am admittedly a Danny Boyle fanboy, but his last couple of films have garnered him the professional accolades I always felt he deserved. A full 2/3rds of 127 Hours consists of a man with his arm stuck between a rock and a canyon wall. Even with that type of material, 127 Hours is never boring, never drags, and keeps you hanging on every second. It is one of the most unique and ultimately uplifting movies you will ever see.

Oooops...

Governor X's Top Albums of 2010 - Revised

2011-01-16T15:06:00.010-08:00

2009 was a great year for music. In fact, it was so great I was able to put together a Top 15. No such luck this year. Even getting to 10 was a struggle, which you will see shortly. I blame the sorry state of radio. I can't bear to listen to it anymore, so I am exposed to very little in the way of new music. I'm essentially relegated to new releases from bands I already like.

Revision - When I initially wrote this, I had not heard Arcade Fire's The Suburbs. Neon Bible was OK, but it was essentially one long Pulp ripoff so I didn't bother to listen to the new one. Grammy glory changed my mind and I'm glad I did. Sorry Tron: Legacy Soundtrack...you've been chopped.

Biggest Disappointment: Black Eyed Peas - The Beginning
Fuck you Peas. I spend the better part of two years defending The E.N.D. and you repay me with this turd?

10. Serj Tankian - Imperfect Harmonies
I didn't even know this existed until I was scouring the 2010 album releases to refresh my memory. If you liked the first Serj Tankian solo CD, this is essentially more of the same.
Download Disowned Inc.

9. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
See my comments above
Download Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

8. K's Choice - Echo Mountain
This can't really hold a candle to their work in their first go-around as a band, but it's solid and it's great to have them back together. Now tour the US bitches.
Download Come Live the Life

7. Bruno Mars - Doo Wops and Hooligans
I enjoy this now, but I can't see listening to it for years to come. Live in the moment or something.
Download Grenade

6. Jimmy Eat World - Invented
If you wanted something new from them this would probably disappoint you. They've settled into an almost Cake-like groove of releasing the same album over and over. Fortunately it's a pretty good album.
Download My Best Theory

5. Kylie Minogue - Aphrodite
Easily her best album ever and the best dance-pop album by anyone since before Madonna starting lifting weights.
Download Aphrodite

4. Brandon Flowers - Flamingo
Half of this CD is meh, but the other half is really fantastic. I could listen to Crossfire on an endless loop for 3 weeks and not get tired of it.
Download Crossfire

3. Linkin Park - A Thousand Suns
Linkin Park keeps getting better with every album they release. This effort may be a little pretentious for some, but it probably weeded out the last of the Rockstar drinking meathead fanboys who followed their early work.
Download The Catalyst

2. Stone Temple Pilots - Stone Temple Pilots
Try as I might, I can't find fault with this album. By all accounts Scott Weiland should be dead, the band hasn't released anything in nine years, and rock music is in decline - yet here it is. I love every track.
Download First Kiss on Mars

1. My Chemical Romance - Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys
I don't hesitate to say My Chemical Romance has moved up to join the likes of R.E.M. and U2 on the list of my favorite bands. If you lose the interludes, their latest CD builds masterfully from catchy pop to hard punk.
Download Bulletproof Heart

Sparklecados: Day 325

2011-01-16T14:47:00.004-08:00

A long time has passed since our last Sparklecado update and I'm not even sure the date is correct. It is 325 days since we planted Sparklecado 1, but that poor sucker has passed on. Our oldest Sparklecado, #3, was started on 7/19/2010 so it is 181 days old. Sparklecado #4 A New Hope was started on 8/23/2010 so it is 146 days old. Whatever. Since this blog is now updated with what scientists describe as "Ironside Frequency" it really doesn't matter. Day 325 sounds more impressive and that counts from the start of the Sparklecado project. Here is what we have:

Sparklecado #3 has made a lot of progress. It is the only Sparklecado thus far that has grown more than one root. As you can see it has taken on the form of one of the harvesters from The Matrix. You should fear it since it will likely grow so large it will harvest your organs. That or die when we try to transfer it to soil like its predecessors.

Sparklecado #4 - A New Hope is very much alive as well. Unfortunately it doesn't look like anything from the Matrix. It just looks like a plant. I'm pretty wary of transplanting Sparklecado #3 to the soil since the last one died so quickly. #4 is going to be the next one to go to the soil. God speed little plant, god speed.

Both have survived our harsh winter. We had almost three weeks of bad weather which is unheard of. Now that it is pleasant again, I expect big things from these plants. In related news, Eclipse may be the worst Twilight movie yet.

Why Democrats Lost the 2010 Midterm Election

2010-11-26T20:37:00.004-08:00

The midterm elections of 2010 brought a wave of new politicians into power. The House of Representatives, which has held a large Democratic majority over the past 4 years, is now solidly Republican. Many writers on blogs and in news organizations have tried to analyze the election and formulate reasons for the election results and prescriptions for what the Democrats should do in the next two years to win back the House and retain power in the Senate and Presidency. This article is similar in that it will try to explain the reasons for the Democratic losses, recommend what the Democrats should do to regain the House in 2012, and look at the influences of Fox News and the Citizens United decision on the election. The first part of this article will discuss the reasons that the Democrats lost and what they should do in the next Congressional term, based on what polls say about American views on the budget deficit, health care, foreign policy, and income distribution. The second part will discuss whether liberals or conservatives were more important in the last election and examine the effects of Fox News and Citizens United.

On November 3rd, Frank Newport of Gallup posted an analysis of the 2010 midterm elections, citing many reasons which combined to form the "wave election" for Republicans. Newport states that there were various structural factors that affected the election. Historically, midterm elections favor the minority party. Additionally, the Democrats had a number of uncertain seats which they had picked up in the 2006 and 2008 elections and were not in reliably Democratic districts. Compounding these issues were the facts that Congress had low approval ratings and that most Americans are dissatisfied with "the way things are going" in the country. The last structural factor was that Americans had a negative perception of the economy. Besides structural factors, Newport also cites other reasons for the 2010 election results. The economy was definitely the top issue in this year's election, which, combined with the negative perception of the economy that most Americans held, did not bode well for the incumbent Democrats. Differences in belief about the role of the federal government were also important in this election cycle, with the Tea Party movement and Republicans advocating a reduced role. Many of the above factors created an enthusiasm gap which favored the Republicans and resulted in a high turnout of Republican voters. Furthermore, President Obama's job approval rating was below 50% at the time of the election, which also portended that his party would lose seats. Gallup's research is nonpartisan, supported by many polls, and goes quite far in explaining the results of the election. However, the question remains, what could the Democrats have done to mitigate these factors and what should they do in the next session of Congress?

Evan Bayh, a retiring Democratic Senator from Indiana, wrote an op-ed in the New York Times immediately after the election which argues that the Democrats have been too liberal and need to return to the center to win in 2012. Bayh blames the losses in Congress on Democratic overreach in many areas. He believes that Democrats paid too much attention to health care, but should have focused on economic growth and creating jobs. According to Bayh, the Democrats were too deferential to their liberal base, which hurt their chances among the moderate and conservative voters. Democrats spent time dealing with gays in the military, immigration reform, and the Bush tax cuts, which are not issues that motivate moderate voters. Bayh recommends that the Democrats take a more centrist approach in the next two years. He believes Democrats should focus on economic growth as their primary goal and try to evade their stereotype as "taxers and spenders". According to Bayh, Democrats should reduce corporate taxes, ban earmarks, freeze federal hiring and pay increases, and reform entitlements. Adopting these policies would allow the Democrats to take the center of the American political debate and force the Republicans into an extremist position.

However, there are many on the left who disagree with Bayh and argue that the Democrats should have pursued a more progressive agenda. Mark Weisbrot, the Co-Director of the Center for Economic and Social Policy Research, argues that the Democrats erred in not passing a larger stimulus. The CBO estimates that the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act saved between 1.4 million and 3.3 million jobs by the middle of 2010. Weisbrot claims that a much larger stimulus was needed and that such a stimulus would would have lowered unemployment and helped the Democrats in the election. Karen Dolan, a fellow at the Institute for Policy Studies, states that liberal Democrats were more successful in the last election, noting that Blue Dog Democrats lost more seats in Congress than did Progressives. The Blue Dog Caucus in the House decreased from 54 to 26 members, while the House Progressive Caucus decreased from 78 to 75. If the Democrats had been guilty of overreach, then why did the most liberal Democrats win their elections? If the American people wanted Democrats who valued economic growth and fiscal discipline above all else, then why did the Blue Dogs lose so many seats? Norman Solomon, a co-chair of the Healthcare NOT Warfare campaign, writes that contrary to Bayh's claim, the Democrats actually suffered from a "tragedy of under-reaching". Solomon argues that the Obama administration has undermined itself by not following progressive policies. The administration, along with many Democrats, have accommodated wars, wavered on Bush tax cuts, allowed high unemployment, not stopped foreclosures, and permitted environmental destruction. These policies, writes Solomon, have empowered the Right and weakened the Democratic Party.

Advocates of divergent political philosophies have disparate views on what the Democratic party should do, but what do public opinion polls have to say about public support for various policies? Polls performed by CNN, the New York Times, Quinnipac University, and the Atlantic Review all show that the majority of voters favor many policies that are labeled "liberal" in the current political landscape. Here are a sample of some polls.

Health Care
72% of Americans supported a public health care option in 2009 (link)

Gays in the Military
72% of Americans favor gays and lesbians to openly serve in the military (link)

Budget Deficit
69% think preventing cuts in Medicaid is more important than reducing the deficit (link)
79% think preventing cuts in Medicare is more important than reducing deficit (link)
78% think preventing cuts in Social Security is more important than reducing deficit (link)
61% think preventing cuts in unemployment aid is more important than reducing deficit (link)
43% think the Bush tax cuts should continue for families who make <$250k (link)
35% think the tax cuts should continue for all

Foreign Wars
58% of voters said in 2007 that "it is a dangerous illusion to believe America is superior to other nations; we should not be attempting to reshape other nations in light of our values." (link)
50% say that the US should not be involved in Afghanistan vs. 44% who say the country should be involved (link)

These polls show that a large majority of Americans were in favor of a public health care option during the debate in Congress and are currently in favor of gays serving openly in the military. These are two issues on which Republicans have attacked President Obama for being too liberal. Additionally, media pundits have argued that the budget deficit is an important issue, with Republicans supporting entitlement cuts and tax cuts and Obama proposing the expiration of the Bush tax cuts for individuals who make over $250k. According to Evan Bayh, entitlement reform should be a large priority for the administration, but these polls show that approximately 4 out of 5 Americans believe that preventing cuts in Social Security and Medicare are more important than reducing the deficit. Similarly, large majorities of Americans do not want to cut Medicaid or unemployment aid to balance the budget. However, most Americans would rather let tax cuts expire for families who make under $250k than let the tax cuts expire for everyone. In terms of foreign wars, most Americans are to the left of the Obama administration and many Democrats. The majority of Americans do not favor nation-building nor forcing our values onto other nations. Furthermore, half of Americans do not want the country to be involved in Afghanistan, despite the Obama administration's escalation of the war. When the American public is polled on a variety of other issues such as defense spending and foreign aid, they do not follow a uniformly liberal platform. However, the polls above show quite clearly that when dealing with the budget, health care, and foreign wars, there is widespread support for many liberal policies.

Another survey by behavioral scientists Daniel Ariely and Michael Norton shows that most Americans, regardless of political affiliation, share similar ideas on wealth distribution. The survey asks the following questions:

1) What percentage of US wealth is owned by the bottom 40% of the population?
2) What percentage should the bottom 40% own, in an ideal version of U.S. society?
3) What percentage is owned by the top 20%?
4) What percentage should the top 20% own?

In this survey, wealth is defined as "all property of value, from cash to art to stocks and bonds to homes, minus debts". Try to do the quiz yourself to see what you think. Here are the respondents' estimates, the ideals, and the actual numbers.

Wealth Distribution in America
Income Division............Estimate.......Actual........Ideal
Bottom 40%......................10%.............0.3%.......20-25%
Top 20%............................60%.............85%..........36%

According to this survey, Americans prefer a much more egalitarian society, similar to a Scandinavian country, rather than the unequal system currently present in the US. This indicates that the vast majority of Americans may actually prefer "socialist" policies. If the Democrats want to appeal to the most Americans, they should pursue policies that are at least "left-of-center" and perhaps more liberal, and not completely in the supposed center of the American political debate. They should protect entitlements and work to make the US more egalitarian. They should stop waging wars and embrace civil liberties. And if they want to win, they should focus on creating jobs through fiscal stimulus. Furthermore, unlike the last two years, they need to actually execute progressive policies effectively.

The midterm election of 2010 was a result of many factors, the most important being the economy. The effect of the midterm elections on the incumbent party and the unpopularity of the current incumbent party were also factors. Although some moderate Democrats believe that the party should move to the right, polls suggest that many Americans prefer more liberal policies. The second part of this article will examine the effects of the Republican enthusiasm gap, Fox News, and the Citizens United decision on the election.

Message from Credo Action

2010-11-03T23:17:00.003-07:00

I got this email from Credo Action today. I thought it was right on the money, so I decided to post it here. Please sign all the petitions with which you agree.

What a truly brutal election. One rare exception was the crushing of Texas Oil's Proposition 23 in California (see CREDO's campaign at stoptexasoil.org), which proves that even unlimited corporate cash can be beaten back — if it is disclosed and fought by grassroots mobilization.

At CREDO, we fight hard on the issues, but we don't take sides in partisan elections. As someone who cares about progressive issues, there is no doubt that Tuesday's results will make for even harder times for our country. It is crazy making to realize just how extreme and misinformed much of the new Congress will be.

There is little reason to expect any useful legislation from the Tea Party-dominated House or the dysfunctional Senate. Swing votes in the Senate have really troublesome names: Lieberman, Nelson, Manchin, and Pryor. In fact, this Congress will do damage to anything even remotely progressive.

So let's take a look at what happened and what we can do now. Bear with us as this is a bit longer than our usual missives. The media, unfortunately but not surprisingly, will be of no use in making sense of Tuesday's results, and even less so in helping chart a course for the future.

There is a lot of evidence that the state of the economy, and employment in particular, drive the results of elections — and this one was no exception. As the saying goes, "If you think the economy is working, ask someone who isn't." We have an economy stuck in a deep ditch, with corporate profits and bank bonuses soaring while long-term unemployment is at near Depression levels.

The Republicans shrunk the first "stimulus" package and filled it with tax breaks, even as corporate Democrats helped them along, blocking any effort to restructure mortgages in bankruptcies, freeze foreclosures or force banks to lend money. The election outcome was partially baked in early 2009, when the White House preemptively conceded on the scale and provisions of the stimulus package and chose to coddle the banks. To watch this unfold was simply maddening.

Making matters worse were other factors. Among the most damaging were the actions of the conservative majority on the Supreme Court, which seemed energized by the new President, and took the radical step of rehearing a campaign finance case — now known forever as Citizens United. In ruling 5-4 that corporations have the right to spend unlimited amounts of money for and against candidates, the Court transformed the electoral landscape in a way potentially more profound than its 5-4 ruling that seated George W. Bush as president. As many predicted, the Citizens United ruling unleashed the greatest wave of corporate spending in history, though it's a safe bet to say that their spending in 2012 will make this year's outlay look modest.

In an astonishing turn of events, the right wing was able to kill — essentially murder in public view — the organization that registered millions of poor and working class African-American and Hispanic voters in the last six years. I am speaking of ACORN, of course. By editing video completely out of context, and using the right-wing media machine to perfection, Andrew Breitbart was able to convince the mainstream media and eventually Congress, that ACORN was an election-stealing organization that had no qualms giving advice to pimps on how to increase revenues. Fulfilling Karl Rove's wildest dreams, Congress, including most Democrats, voted to block public funding for any of ACORN's laudable and effective housing or tax assistance programs, and ACORN died a quiet death. There would be no millions of new registrants.

Traditions are important in the Senate, but almost always to the detriment of progressive change. The health care reform effort was a victim of Senate conventions. Sen. Max Baucus of Montana, who chairs the critical Senate Finance Committee solely due to his long tenure, stalled development of a health reform package for many months in order to "negotiate" with Republicans on his committee. They weren't interested in the least, and walked away from the discussions muttering bizarre comments about reforms "killing grandma" and setting up "death panels," because Sarah Palin says so. The behavior of Baucus would be laughable if it were not so utterly destructive.

No matter what one thought of FOX News in the 2008 election, Murdoch's monster went on a rampage over the past two years. Serving as both an instigator and an amplifier for the craziest and most offensive pundits, FOX News misled and misinformed the American people on every issue, and effectively became the public face of the Republican Party. Glenn Beck's show became so toxic and spewed so much venom that one of his devoted fans took it upon himself to plot the execution of key leaders of the Tides Foundation and the ACLU, who had figured prominently in Beck's rants. Fortunately, the madman (the fan, not Beck) was stopped before he accomplished his mission.

We could go on, of course, on all the missed opportunities, the cave-ins, the sell outs, and the unpopular and misguided war in Afghanistan.

But the results are in. The House of Representatives is in the hands of the most corrupt Speaker-in-waiting ever, the Tea Party is ascendant, and the U.S. Senate, however dysfunctional it has been, is poised to be much worse.

For those of us who had hopes that the Obama Administration could seize the moment and enact popular progressive changes, this is a bitter pill. And like many, we grieve at the lost opportunities.

But now we need to brush off the dust, suck it up, and plunge back into substantive fights. Politics is not fair — indeed, U.S. elections are rigged in profound ways! But walking away is not an option at CREDO Action, and we hope you will join us in some of the actions below we think are strategic in the new political landscape:

1. Commit to Taking Down FOX News. So long as FOX News has any credibility within the Beltway, it will be a pipeline for malicious material that will poison our political culture. Join our friends at Color of Change: turnofffox.org/landing?credo.

2.Tell the Senate to pass the DISCLOSE Act during the lame duck session. We were able to defeat the Texas Oil Initiative, Prop 23 in California, in part because we knew who the enemy was — having disclosure of corporate contributions brings the enemy out in the open for us to take on and fight. The DISCLOSE Act passed the House and came within a single vote of passing the Senate. One vote. You can join this fight by taking action with Public Citizen at citizen.org/disclose-act-action.

3. Keep fighting to end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. This issue will get resolved during the lame duck session. Take action at act.credoaction.com/campaign/bushtaxcuts.

4. Sign up for the fight for a constitutional amendment to reverse the Citizens United decision by declaring that corporations do not have the legal rights of humans. This may take years, if not decades, but we should start now. Please join Free Speech for People: freespeechforpeople.org/.

5. Tell the FCC to use its existing authority to establish and defend net neutrality. Our friends at Free Press are leading this charge: act2.freepress.net/sign/put_up/.

6. Demand that the Department of Justice and the Internal Revenue Service investigate the political organizations set up by Karl Rove to launder millions of dollars in secret cash to change the outcome of elections. Act now at act.credoaction.com/campaign/investigate_crossroads.

7. Defend the EPA from castration by pro-coal interests in Congress. The EPA accomplished almost nothing during the Clinton years because the Gingrich-led Congress used the budget process to prohibit the agency from doing its work. This battle has already started. The Sierra Club's Beyond Coal campaign is a great way to join this fight: sierraclub.org/coal.

8. Convince the Obama administration to stop appealing progressive court rulings on matters like the Defense of Marriage Act, Don't Ask Don't Tell, and the state secrets defense against torture and wiretapping. Urge the Department of Justice to change its approach at act.credoaction.com/campaign/stop_appealing.

9. Urge Democratic senators to do away with lifetime tenure for committee chairs and open up all chair positions to majority vote elections. This will go a long way towards more progressive legislation. Take action with us at act.credoaction.com/campaign/end_seniority_system.

10. Demand that the Department of Justice enforce the provisions of the national voter registration law that require state governments to offer to register all voters at departments of public welfare and motor vehicles. Many state governments simply ignore these requirements and this is a cheaper and more inclusive way of registering voters than the campaigns of the now dead ACORN. Urge Attorney General Eric Holder to expand voter registration: credoaction.com/campaign/enforce_motor_voter.

I suspect you are angry and exhausted at this point. I know I am. But let us not forget that the values and ideals we fight for are greater than any one election. They still endure, and so must our fight. We have a lot of work to do.

Michael Kieschnick, CEO
CREDO Action from Working Assets

Blue's House of Trolling - Week One

2010-10-06T11:23:00.004-07:00

One of my favorite pastimes on the ol' intertubes is partaking in the time-honored tradition of trolling really stupid shit. Since Skynet has been so neglected of late, I have decided to take you all along for the ride, much like those trips you used to take in the back of your mother's station wagon while she "delivered Avon." Or was that just me?

Anyways... I intend to scrounge up and share some of my most horrible internet finds with all four of our regular Skynet readers on a somewhat weekly basis.

I invite you all to troll the ever-loving crap out of these, if you are so inclined. Stress is a serious factor in many chronic health conditions, and what better way to relieve stress than making a 13 year old girl cry from four states away?

My fellow Skynet writers will not be surprised by my first presentation. We have been laughing and trolling this dipshit for months. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

The Republican Revolutionary

It appears that The Republican Revolutionary's purpose is to re-post stories from other conservative blogs and news sources, but with the added twist of horrible grammar and butchered spelling. To make this site even more awesome, the author has included links to several YouTube videos of himself wearing funny hats and reading rants from a cue card that sound like they were written by Sean Hannity's fatter, slower brother.

For example, from his latest post: "We cast obvious, plane truth to the wind, and we have the gull to wounder why the wrong thing did not work out for US."

I can not make it through that sentence without scrounging around for a red pen.

Haiku About Roommates

2010-10-06T11:20:00.001-07:00

Who ate my cookies?
The dryer runs at midnight.
Fuck this fucking shit.

Awesome Rant from Bill Maher

2010-09-25T02:16:00.004-07:00

From the Sept 25th episode of "Real Time":

New Rule: The next rich person who publicly complains about being vilified by the Obama administration must be publicly vilified by the Obama administration. It's so hard for one person to tell another person what constitutes being "rich", or what tax rate is "too much." But I've done some math that indicates that, considering the hole this country is in, if you are earning more than a million dollars a year and are complaining about a 3.6% tax increase, then you are by definition a greedy asshole.

And let's be clear: that's 3.6% only on income above 250 grand -- your first 250, that's still on the house. Now, this week we got some horrible news: that one in seven Americans are now living below the poverty line. But I want to point you to an American who is truly suffering: Ben Stein. You know Ben Stein, the guy who got rich because when he talks it sounds so boring it's actually funny. He had a game show on Comedy Central, does eye drop commercials, doesn't believe in evolution? Yeah, that asshole. I kid Ben -- so, the other day Ben wrote an article about his struggle. His struggle as a wealthy person facing the prospect of a slightly higher marginal tax rate. Specifically, Ben said that when he was finished paying taxes and his agents, he was left with only 35 cents for every dollar he earned. Which is shocking, Ben Stein has an agent? I didn't know Broadway Danny Rose was still working.

Ben whines in his article about how he's worked for every dollar he has -- if by work you mean saying the word "Bueller" in a movie 25 years ago. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's just that at a time when people in America are desperate and you're raking in the bucks promoting some sleazy Free Credit Score dot-com... maybe you shouldn't be asking us for sympathy. Instead, you should be down on your knees thanking God and/or Ronald Reagan that you were lucky enough to be born in a country where a useless schmuck who contributes absolutely nothing to society can somehow manage to find himself in the top marginal tax bracket.

And you're welcome to come on the show anytime.

Now I can hear you out there saying, "Come on Bill, don't be so hard on Ben Stein, he does a lot of voiceover work, and that's hard work." Ok, it's true, Ben is hardly the only rich person these days crying like a baby who's fallen off his bouncy seat. Last week Mayor Bloomberg of New York complained that all his wealthy friends are very upset with mean ol' President Poopy-Pants: He said they all say the same thing: "I knew I was going to have to pay more taxes. But I didn't expect to be vilified." Poor billionaires -- they just can't catch a break.

First off, far from being vilified, we bailed you out -- you mean we were supposed to give you all that money and kiss your ass, too? That's Hollywood you're thinking of. FDR, he knew how to vilify; this guy, not so much. And second, you should have been vilified -- because you're the vill-ains! I'm sure a lot of you are very nice people. And I'm sure a lot of you are jerks. In other words, you're people. But you are the villains. Who do you think outsourced all the jobs, destroyed the unions, and replaced workers with desperate immigrants and teenagers in China. Joe the Plumber?

And right now, while we run trillion dollar deficits, Republicans are holding America hostage to the cause of preserving the Bush tax cuts that benefit the wealthiest 1% of people, many of them dead. They say that we need to keep taxes on the rich low because they're the job creators. They're not. They're much more likely to save money through mergers and outsourcing and cheap immigrant labor, and pass the unemployment along to you.

Americans think rich people must be brilliant; no -- just ruthless. Meg Whitman is running for Governor out here, and her claim to fame is, she started e-Bay. Yes, Meg tapped into the Zeitgeist, the zeitgeist being the desperate need of millions of Americans to scrape a few dollars together by selling the useless crap in their garage. What is e-Bay but a big cyber lawn sale that you can visit without putting your clothes on?

Another of my favorites, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said, "I don't know where they're going to get all this money, because we're running out of rich people in this country." Actually, we have more billionaires here in the U.S. than all the other countries in the top ten combined, and their wealth grew 27% in the last year. Did yours? Truth is, there are only two things that the United States is not running out of: Rich people and bullshit. Here's the truth: When you raise taxes slightly on the wealthy, it obviously doesn't destroy the economy -- we know this, because we just did it -- remember the '90's? It wasn't that long ago. You were probably listening to grunge music, or dabbling in witchcraft. Clinton moved the top marginal rate from 36 to 39% -- and far from tanking, the economy did so well he had time to get his dick washed.

Even 39% isn't high by historical standards. Under Eisenhower, the top tax rate was 91%. Under Nixon, it was 70%. Obama just wants to kick it back to 39 -- just three more points for the very rich. Not back to 91, or 70. Three points. And they go insane. Steve Forbes said that Obama, quote "believes from his inner core that people... above a certain income have more than they should have and that many probably have gotten it from ill-gotten ways." Which they have. Steve Forbes, of course, came by his fortune honestly: he inherited it from his gay egg-collecting, Elizabeth Taylor fag-hagging father, who inherited it from his father. Of course then they moan about the inheritance tax, how the government took 55% percent when Daddy died -- which means you still got 45% for doing nothing more than starting out life as your father's pecker-snot.

We don't hate rich people, but have a little humility about how you got it and stop complaining. Maybe the worst whiner of all: Stephen Schwarzman, #69 on Forbes' list of richest Americans, compared Obama's tax hike to "when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939." Wow. If Obama were Hitler, Mr. Schwarzman, I think your tax rate would be the least of your worries.

Machete is a Masterpiece

2010-09-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

Robert Rodriguez' latest work, the faux trailer turned feature film, Machete, is absurd over-the-top film making at its finest.

The shockingly 66 year old Danny Trejo plays Machete, a former Federale who lost his family to a drug lord (played corpulently by Steven Seagal)now just trying to get by in the US. He catches the eye of a sleazebag named Booth who hires him to shoot racist anti-immigrant state senator Robert DeNiro, who spends his leisure time shooting migrants with his Minuteman-like buddy Don Johnson. Where it goes from there, you'll just have to watch and see. Suffice it to say you'll eventually see Cheech Marin as a priest, Michelle Rodriguez as a guerilla leader, and Lindsay Lohan as a nun. Oh yes, a nun.

If it sounds ridiculous, it is. Its supposed to be. In the spirit of Planet Terror, Rodriguez uses an action movie to skewer every moronic action flick ever made. The result is, as I said, pure brilliance. There isn't a serious moment in the entire movie. There's a hint here and there of some social commentary about the anti-immigrant fervor that periodically grips White America might not be tongue in cheek, but when it ultimately results in someone standing on a car and yelling "We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us!" you know its all an elaborate joke.

My only worry is that not everyone will get it. The theater I was in seemed to be an equal mix of constant laughter from some of us and utter confusion from others. It would be a shame if this film is not recognized for how awesome it is.

Sparklecados: Day 197

2010-09-07T21:05:00.004-07:00

I'm very sad to report Sparklecado #1 did not survive the transition from Twilight cup to actual planter. Much like lame ass Bella, it apparently had no interest in living without limp dicked Edward.

Sparklecados #3 and #4 are still alive in their respective cups. One of these god damned things had better live. I've invested too much time.

I Have Had Enough of Insipid Lap-Band Adverts

2010-09-03T11:04:00.005-07:00

It is difficult for me to pin down what exactly bothers me so much about these billboards that now dot the California freeways with more frequency than any other advertisement I can recall. It isn't that I have no reason, but rather that I have a myriad of them. So I present to you my ramblings about why these things need to be torched to the ground.

Billboards Suck. I understand that they are on private property, and that legally that property can be used to rent out advertising space, but I really detest seeing a huge ugly thing on my skyline where I would prefer mountains.

The Lap-band Sucks. I know it is considered incredibly insensitive to say that weight loss surgery is lame. It is very judgmental to believe that those who choose surgery over self-discipline to be weak and brainwashed sheep. I guess I am incredibly insensitive and judgmental.

Allow me to clarify. Weight-loss surgery is an excellent resource and an incredible procedure for people who possess a medical need for it. The 500 lbs person who can no longer walk is not about to exercise those pounds away. The older person with rampant diabetes and heart disease MUST lose weight quickly to add years to their lifespan. I am completely in favor of this procedure being available to these people. I am even in favor of insurance companies covering the surgery in these extreme cases. The problem lies in the fact that many of these surgeries are conducted on people who are perfectly capable of losing weight the normal way.

The adverts are also misleading, implying that the lap-band is a quick and easy fix. In actuality, it is painful and will force you to eat protein supplements and weird textures for the rest of your life. I will say this for the lap-band, wikipedia reports that only 1 in 2000 patients who get the band die from it. Gastric bypass has a mortality rate of 1 in 250.

There are Too Damn Many of Them! I counted 17 of these signs on my drive to Governor X's place and back. This is a 45 mile drive.

The Company Behind Them is Shady. TopSurgeons has some really questionable business practices and is run by two doctors who have lost their licenses, as revealed by the LA Times. That's really a company I want to put my medical well-being and life into the hands of.

Taking Advantage of Illness to Make Money is Morally Reprehensible. I am not talking about weight when I say illness; I am talking about mental illness, such as low self-esteem and eating disorders. Surgery appeals to people because it seems easy and takes the brunt of the responsibility for their condition off their own shoulders. It does not cure the underlying causes of their obesity. Many people who get the surgery gain their weight back after several years. These individuals need real healing, therapy to help them regain control of themselves and their lives. The last thing they need is for someone to cut on their body until it is as mutilated and scarred as their psyche.

Medical Procedures and Medications Should be Recommended by a Doctor, Not an Advert. I have a real problem with the advertising of any medical procedures or medications. People should not be hearing about a pill or operation and then checking to see if they need it. When a patient has a condition, then they and their physician work to treat that condition. This approach of advertising medication as though it were a new brand of clothing has led us to become a nation of legally-prescribed drug addicts.

Good Health is More Than Weight. Good health comes from eating a balanced diet and exercising, not from being forced to starve yourself by having a bit of plastic tied around your insides. It isn't the weight of Americans that are making them sick, but the lifestyle choices they have made that got them fat in the first place.

Suck It. If you have gotten surgery yourself that was not medically necessary, I'm sorry you were duped. Before I get flamed by anyone, I would like to note that I am no pixie myself. But I have dropped more than 20% of my body weight in the last 9 months by eating well and moving my ass. It helps to have some nancy-boys around to slam tennis balls at.

Sparklecados: Day 181

2010-08-23T20:59:00.002-07:00

Just a brief update today. Sparklecado #4: A New Hope has begun.

Sparklecados: Day 179

2010-08-21T20:46:00.007-07:00

There have been some exciting developments on the Sparklecado front. Our stalwart, Sparklecado #1 had developed a small stem and the beginnings of some tiny leaves, so it was time to kick it out of the nest and move it into a home of its own. Today, just shy of six months after our experiment began, it was transferred from the Twilight cup to its permanent home in a terra cotta pot. It still hasn't sparkled, but it still may some day. Sparklecado #3, started just 34 days ago has shown significant growth. I expect to transfer it to soil far sooner than Sparklecado #1. There is yet another pit drying on my counter as I type this, and in a couple days, it will become Sparklecado #4: A New Hope.

Sparklecado #1, quite ready to face the world on its own without the help of the insipid Cullens.

Sparklecado #3 is thus far easily outpacing its predecessors.

Sparklecado #1 is barely visible in its new home for the moment, but it will soon grown into a mighty tree. Sparklecado #3, with something to prove, sits in the shadow of its gas-giant of an older brother.

Is This Thing On?

2010-08-21T11:11:00.003-07:00

So, its been dead around here, but I promise Skynet is still alive and well. The problem is, we're all lazy. Keep checking back for new articles on topics varying from my outrage over not being able to buy horse meat to how much TV's in public suck.

These Are the People in Your Karaoke Bar

2010-08-05T00:10:00.006-07:00

I must admit, I enjoy the occasional visit to a karaoke establishment. I used to attend on a weekly basis with friends. While it is a lot of fun to sing in front of an audience, the drama that surrounds karaoke "regulars" has gotten to be too much for me. So now, without further ado, I present a breakdown of your typical karaoke fans.

The Loud Drunk Asshole. These seem to be a staple in every karaoke bar. They are usually in their 30s, overweight, and playing pool or darts. They will pick a song like "Hotel California" or "Knocking on Heaven's Door" and sing it far too loudly and off key, occasionally yelling unintelligible nonsense into the mic. Whenever anyone else sings, they will cheer loudly and tell them, "You rock, man!"

The Dorky Hipster. These are usually decidedly geeky guys who sing karaoke to be ironic. They will stand onstage with one hand in their pocket, looking completely disinterested, and sing something ridiculous, like Weird Al's "Yoda" or a Lady Gaga tune. They are usually drinking lager.

The Cutesy Girl. The cutesy girl looks too young to even be in a bar. She will be wearing a tight shirt and she will bounce while she sings a Shania Twain song. Sometimes she is an awesome singer. Sometimes she sucks. All of the Loud Drunk Assholes will cheer either way.

The Broken-Hearted Fat Chick. This girl will always sing a sad, slow love song. She is usually accompanied by two or three other corpulent girls who will cry during her rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings."

The Professional Jackass. These are usually men, around fifty years old, who have formal voice training. There are the occasional, rare female Professional Jackasses. He will walk into the bar about once every two months and select the same song every time. He will order only water with lemon. He will sing his selection with a cocky look on his face, sniff disdainfully, then leave before having to speak to any of the riffraff.

The SRS BSNS Regular. For this person, karaoke is not a pastime, it is a way of life. They will spend time and money practicing all week for their Saturday "performance". They are most likely the sad remnants of a little girl who always wanted to be a rock star when she grew up. They NEVER miss karaoke. They hate the Cutesy Girl. They wish all the Drunks and Hipsters would go away, because they just don't take this seriously enough. If anyone sings well, they will viciously attack them behind their back, because there CAN BE ONLY ONE. They may stomp off home if their rendition of "Me and Bobby McGee" doesn't get a standing ovation. If anyone sings a song that they enjoy singing, they hate them for "stealing their song." Every karaoke bar will end up developing at least two of these individuals by the third month of being open.

Conservative Media Show True Colors

2010-07-21T19:40:00.008-07:00

In case you didn't know about Shirley Sherrod, here's a segment by Rachel Maddow about this reprehensible scandal. Andrew Breitbart showed a clip from a speech USDA employee Shirley Sherrod gave which claimed to show that she had denied a white farmer benefits because of his race. What Breitbart didn't mention is that the speech was about overcoming racism, she made the speech in 1986, she wasn't working for the USDA at that time and she didn't actually discriminate against anyone. CNN later interviewed the white farmer that Sherrod supposedly discriminated against, and he had nothing but good things to say about her. The point of Sherrod's speech was that she had an epiphany. She realized that poor people are suffering, regardless of race. However, without doing any research, Fox News paraded the story as an outrage, an example of black discrimination. Sherrod was quickly railroaded out of her position at the USDA, bowing to public pressure. She was denounced by the NAACP and forced to resign by Tom Vilsack.

After the story aired, she received hate mail and phone calls from people calling her a "bitch" and a "racist". This is particularly sad, because, as Media Matters reported, Sherrod's father was killed by racists in 1965. She has been actively involved in the Civil Rights movement for years and took careers at non-profit organizations and within the government because of her commitment to issues of social justice and civil rights. Sherrod said that she has thick skin after years of working in the Civil Rights movement. However, nobody should have to go through that kind of abuse because of a completely fabricated, politically motivated smear campaign.

This story touches on more than a few issues. First of all, conservative media purveyors like Breitbart and Fox News have very few scruples about running fake stories designed to highlight their issues and destroy innocent people's careers. Look at the ACORN non-story. For those of you who still don't know, the ACORN employees on tape were playing along with the phony pimp and prostitute in order to get as much information from them as they could before calling the police. The video showed ACORN employees shining on James O'Keefe, nothing more.

Second, notice that conservatives target minorities in these scandals. The ACORN employees were black and Latino and Shirley Sherrod is black. Does Fox ever go after white racism? Not that I've seen.

Third, notice that Breitbart's fake story continues the theme of the "oppressed white man". Conservatives have drummed up fear in white people by convincing them they are under siege by minorities, even though in reality, whites still hold the vast majority of wealth, political power and corporate power in our society. Despite the claims that Republicans are not racist or even partial to whites, this story clearly shows that Fox and the Republicans intervene on behalf of white people, even in fake scandals like this. That is whose side they're on, over and above notions of equality and fairness. Conservatives will claim over and over again that they aren't racist, but their words and actions show otherwise. Anyone who has talked with a conservative for more than a few hours knows that they tend to hold uninformed positions about race. Many conservatives will openly say that they don't like minorities or that they think white people are superior, either genetically or culturally. Others will just be ignorant of racial issues to the point of being insensitive, and will blame blacks for their poverty, instead of pointing to years of slavery, discrimination, and wrongful imprisonment that continue to this very day. Republicans claim that we now live in a color blind society, so blacks and Latinos need to stop being so lazy and get to work. This couldn't be further from the truth and doesn't take into account discrimination that still occurs.

Fourth, the main reason conservative media outlets run stories like this is to distract poor white people from their truly injurious policies such as trying to destroy Social Security, giving few limitations and punishments to corporate executives, dismantling labor standards and destroying the environment. Republicans have been doing this for years. It's called the Southern Strategy. Reagan used this strategy by launching his campaign supporting "states' rights" in Philadelphia, Mississippi, the site where three Civil Rights activists were murdered in 1964. Reagan also repeatedly told the story of a "welfare queen" who never existed. The result of this strategy is the winnowing of the middle class, the largest prison population in the world, consolidation of corporate power into fewer hands, and the destruction of labor unions. White people need to wake up and realize that minorities are not a threat to them; big, powerful and unbridled corporations are. Republican leaders gain the support of poor whites for policies that are against their interests by playing to their fears. This is a truly cynical, diabolical and harmful policy.

Lastly, this should be a lesson to Democrats, particularly the Obama administration. When a conservatively biased news source like Fox News or www.biggovernment.com comes up with a controversy like Van Jones, ACORN or Shirley Sherrod, don't assume they are right or that they are even being sincere. Take the time to investigate the story and deliberate for a while before disavowing one of your people. People like Andrew Breitbart and Glenn Beck should not factor into your decisions. They are not reliable, not fair, and not even adults.

Sparklecados: Day 145

2010-07-19T20:41:00.007-07:00

It has been quite some time since I updated you on the progress of our Sparklecados, but in the last couple days there have been some interesting developments.

First, after nearly six months with no progress, I pulled the plug on Sparklecado #2 which had been languishing in a persistent vegitative state. It couldn't even muster the energy to star at a brightly colored balloon. Here is the last known photo of the Sparklecado before it passed into the next life (in this case, my kitchen trash can):

Sparklecado #1 is flourishing nicely. The root is quite long and there are the beginnings of a stem. Its almost ready to move on to step two, which I can't remember the details of at the moment, but I bookmarked it. Here is #1:

Finally, since I can't stop eating avocados, it just so happened I had another pit ready to go after pulling the plug on Sprarklecado #2. It is an organic California avocado, slightly smaller than its Mexican brother in the other cup, but we will see how it goes:

Whitey McWhite Wants All You Minorities to Get Out of His Face

2010-07-13T20:20:00.006-07:00

Dennis Prager, a voice of the far right on talk radio, wrote this column today. Blue Napkins sent the article to me in an email, and I found it to be really ridiculous.

I thought Dennis Prager was a moron, and this really confirms it. Dennis Prager lives in a fantasy world where his illegitimate right-wing notions are true. He wants us to pretend that none of our social problems exist and that everything is hunky-dory. He also wants us to ignore the fact that being white, male, Christian and heterosexual has historically and still does grant many privileges. Furthermore, he wants us to pretend that identifying yourself with an ethnic group or sexual orientation is narcissism but identifying yourself with your country is selflessness. In Prager's commandments, he wants to define a school that restricts freedom, recognizes nothing but the State and ignores all of the problems that exist in our society.

In his first commandment, Prager seems to be troubled by narcissism, so logically he's going to ban any group affiliations and focus on the individual: "The only identity I care about, the only one this school will recognize, is your individual identity." That totally makes sense... This is along the lines of Arizona's law banning ethnic studies programs. What this amounts to is enhancing the white majority's ability to oppress minorities by not allowing them to organize or even identify with each other. The only affiliation of which Prager approves is with the country, an artificial boundary maintained by force that has been won through the genocide of Native Americans and theft from Mexico. I guess debate about the validity of the nation-state just muddies the waters though.

In his second commandment, Prager calls for a "formal dress code", which I assume means school uniforms. School uniforms are fucking horrible and stifle freedom of expression. Do we want school to be even more like the military? Dennis Prager's totalitarian school doesn't allow any other freedoms like making a club or identifying yourself as anything other than an American, so I suppose the freedom to dress however you want is not honored either.

In his fourth commandment, Prager forbids the use of "obscene language". I assume he's talking about words like shit and cocksucker, basically George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words. We don't want children to speak these "bad" words in school because these words presumably erode moral character and later in life, people will use them indiscriminately as adults. Of course Prager then precedes to brazenly drop an n-bomb and write the word "bitch". For some reason he couldn't bring himself to write "fuck" though. This paragraph alone shows what an ass he is. I personally find the n-word more offensive than any of George Carlin's words. Furthermore, I'd like to declare that Skynet promotes the use of the word "fuck" in all spheres of life but does not approve of the n-word.

Now that I think about it, I almost always have to choke back my own vomit when I read his Dennis Prager's shtick. This article is no exception, and I think it's safe to hang a label on him. Don't worry Dennis, I won't label you according to race, religion, or sexual orientation. Dennis Prager, on behalf of Skynet California, I hereby declare you to be an asshole.

Things That Suck: Human Billboards

2010-07-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

If you are as easily annoyed as I am, you have no doubt had to choke down bile as you pass new housing development, wireless stores, and going-out-of-business sales and see these idiotic human billboards on the corner. I'm not sure what genius came up with the idea of having an illiterate drug addict standing on a corner dancing whilst holding a sign for a new housing development, but I want to punch them in the face repeatedly. What kind of an idiot do these ads work on? The type of loser who would have to work doing this sure, but they can't afford a new home, or probably even 50% Adam Sandler DVDs at a closing Hollywood Video. If I ever run for a city council position, I will run on a platform of banning these stupid things once and for all.

The trouble with kids these days (a haiku)

2010-07-11T12:16:00.001-07:00

Kids. Can't shut them up,
Can't tie them to the sofa
Can't sell them online.

Seven More Ways to be an Annoying Roommate.

2010-07-09T21:37:00.003-07:00

I'm going to build on Boots' previous post with a few experiences of my own. I don't know if these would bother everyone, but they are from personal experience and certainly annoyed the ever-loving fuck out of me.

1. Contract an infectious disease, like scabies. Walk around pulling your shirt up and scratching your sores. Deny any accusations of illness. Use your roommate's towels and put them back in the linen closet.

2. Steal and use your roommate's tampons. When she mentions it, tell her it's not your fault that tampons are so expensive and point out that she makes more money than you do.

3. Have a child. Pay no attention to said child and refuse to allow anyone to correct his/her wrongdoings.

4. Get drunk. Puke in your roommate's underwear drawer.

5. Eat nothing but pizza and leave the boxes all over the kitchen. When your roommate asks you to please take them to the trash, build a fort out of them on the porch and fall asleep in it stoned. Wake up and move to the roof to sleep some more. Use your roommate's car to reach the roof, rather than a ladder, and scratch the paint. Puke on the roof and make sure some drizzles down onto your car-ladder.

6. Drink your roommate's juice. When you realize she may notice how much is missing, add water to the bottle to cover your tracks.

7. Invite several party-folk over while your roommate is at work. Allow them to write on the walls with sharpies and put all the Tupperware in the oven at 400 degrees.

Six of these things happened across the span of three months and were committed by the same person. It takes dedication and perseverance to be THAT excellent.

7 Top Ways to be a super annoying roommate.

2010-07-09T16:18:00.003-07:00

Got roommates? Don’t like ‘em? Here are some tried and true techniques for driving normal roomies completely batty.

1. Follow your roommates around and talk incessantly, especially if they look busy. Take care to avoid any pauses that might allow them to get a word in edgewise. If they do manage to excuse themselves from the conversation, tail them to the door of their bedrooms and make them close it in your face to escape. Proceed to #2.

2. Wait 5 minutes after tailing them to the bedroom, then ask for a legitimate thing you could have addressed in the first place, like rent or bills.

3. Play iPhone games in the bathroom, especially in living situations with 2 or more people per bathroom. Shoot for a minimum of 30 minutes occupying the john, 45 if your roomies start to get antsy. For extra points, leave the bathroom door open and do not turn on the fan.

4. Go in your roommates’ private living areas and take whatever you want. Use it, screw it up, and leave it out somewhere that tells your roomie exactly who raided his stuff. Then, see #5.

5. Cause obvious disturbances in the residence, then lie your ass off about having done it. If your roommate has sorted something into piles, stack them all together and mix them up. Eat their food from the fridge and save yours for later. If there were witnesses to your transgressions, make up more elaborate and unlikely coverup stories.

6. Don’t do laundry. Ever. When you run out of skivvies, buy new socks and underwear and pile dirties in your bedroom. When the bedroom becomes unliveable due to the festering pile, take over the living room couch. Invite homeless friends with contagious skin diseases to join you.

7. Make promises you fully intend to break. Do this often.

I hope these special tips and tricks for irritating otherwise patient roommates will guide you in achieving your destined future, which will be well-laden with sincerely deserved solitude.

Diapers and Grocery Bags? How About Greening Your Girly-bits?

2010-07-07T12:20:00.010-07:00

More green, reusable products hit the market every day, and that is certainly a promising trend. It is especially noticeable here in California, where even the snotty "soccer moms" in their gas guzzlers are piling their teams' Gatorade and chips into canvas totes. Biodegradable dish soaps and laundry detergent are becoming more widely available as demand for them increases. The most hardcore of the green movement are buying biodegradable, chlorine-free diapers. Some are even purchasing cloth diapers. (I must note, however, that while cloth diapers are more cost efficient and seem green on the surface, the soap and water used laundering them makes virtually no less of an environmental impact than disposables.)

Almost every food item is now being offered in an organic version. We buy toilet paper and bank checks made from recycled paper. The world of casual disposal is coming to an end. One product, however, seems immune to criticism: feminine hygiene products. Whether this is out of fear of the wrath of bleeding, grumpy women or from sheer squeamishness, very few people seem willing to take aim at this wasteful product and its vast contribution to gorging landfills.

I believe the environmental impact of feminine hygiene products may also be ignored because it is generally off the radar. Many people purchase reusable grocery bags and the like because other people can see them. Nobody knows what is going on under your skirt, so there is little societal pressure to make greener choices. Several products are available that will greatly reduce, if not virtually eradicate, the environmental impact of menstruation. Until I began researching this topic, I had never even heard of some of them.

The typical feminine hygiene products are pads or tampons. Pads are, obviously, much larger and use more materials. Both products come in cardboard boxes. Each individual item inside the box is wrapped in a plastic liner. The tampons usually come with an "applicator." When all is said and done, there is a ton of unnecessary packaging that must be discarded in addition to the product itself. This, in and of itself, could be easily reduced. As a matter of fact, some companies seem to use the excess packaging as a selling point, offering it in various colors and making the applicators more elaborate. In the past, I have been a fan of the O.B. brand, which uses minimal packaging and is applicator free. Out of all the obvious choices, it is the one with the least environmental impact.

My research uncovered a myriad of other choices, some of which appear cleaner than tampons, not linked to T.S.S., and almost completely without waste. The Diva Cup is reusable for up to a year. There are also washable sponge tampons, chlorine free biodegradable pads and tampons, and the usual washable cloth pads from days of yore. Of all these products, the reusable cup seems to be the most sensible and sanitary, and some of the silicon versions claim to last as long as ten years.

I would love to see someone high profile actually have the balls to start pushing these greener products. If I were the first lady, I would be all over this, if for no other reason than to make Republican legislators squirm.

Guess Who's Back!

2010-07-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

Old Sugar Tits is back friends! You honestly have no idea how great this makes me feel. I feed off of Mel Gibson's insanity like a Sith feeds off of anger.

This time Mel takes a break from blaming the Jews or offending the indigenous peoples of Mesoamerica to take care of a little home cooking. It seems he may have fathered a child with his ex, Oksana Grigorieva and he's none too pleased. He also doesn't care for her manner of dress. Here are the highlights from the HuffPo story:

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."

"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first."

And to close it all out, this parting shot...

"This is my last message. I might be the father... Well, f** you... You psycho c**t... Because I don't care. Do you understand me? I'm done."

Oh man, I hope you're never done Mel. How do the Jews tie into this? I have to know! Review of Edge of Darkness to follow shortly...

Eclipse: A Tale of Sappy Outdoor Conversations

2010-07-01T16:51:00.004-07:00

I was torn in two over paying to see the third installment in the movie version of this abortion of a book series. On the one hand, I did not want to be another 30-something woman pumping money into this ridiculous franchise on opening night. On the other hand, I was full of curiosity, a desire to write a review, a love of being ironic, and a need to seek revenge on my four-year-old for making me endure both Toy Story 3 and Shrek 3 in the same month. I was bored, the matinee was cheap, and the latter decision won out. With preschooler in hand, I joined the throng of women queuing up for Twilight 3: The Return of Jacob's Pecs.

Not only did my son almost die of boredom during this movie, he also managed to get a Buzz Lightyear spinning candy dispenser caught in his hair. We are now even.

The movie started off with a relatively suspenseful scene of some poor schmuck being turned into a vampire minion by our main antagonist, Victoria, then ended with an epic battle between the Forks Supernatural Protagonist Society and the evil army of vampires Victoria and her minion form. Everything that happened between those two scenes was either mind-numbingly dull or embarrassingly painful.

First of all, Bella is still torn between Jacob and Edward. Does she want the whiny douche-bag with the golden eyes, tons of money, and the ability to offer her immortality? Does she want the pushy but hot Native American boy who needs anger management and might accidentally rip her face off if she burns the casserole? Decisions, decisions...

The dialogue, as before, is very wooden and phony. Think Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones. Everyone is madly in love with everyone else, and they all talk about it outside for the hour and forty-five minutes they had to fill between battle scenes. Bella and Edward talk about their feelings in a field full of flowers. Then she and Jacob talk about their feelings at a lake in the mountains. Then they talk about it some more on a snow-dappled cliff in the mountains. Then she and Edward talk about some more random shit in a field again. It was like the worst dialogue scene from Attack of the Clones had glitter added to it and increased in length tenfold.

To add insult to injury, I still have to admit this movie was much better than both of its predecessors.

I think the best summary was what my son said about a half hour from the conclusion of the film: "Can we go home now? All these people do is talk and kiss and be stupid." Amen.

A Confusing Photo of Bill Clinton and Mick Jagger

2010-06-30T22:52:00.003-07:00

Something appears to be afoot in this photo and our former President is none the wiser. Mick seems positively terrified though. Was it the chupacabra, the goat sucker of Mexican legend? Unlikely. The chupacabra was sympathetic to the DeKlerk government that fell in 1994. He is no longer welcome in South Africa.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

2010-06-23T17:30:00.002-07:00

At long last, my man-crush on Landon Donovan is vindicated.

Obama Forms Facebook Group to Stop Oil Spill

2010-06-20T22:28:00.008-07:00

In an unprecedented decision to finally take action, President Obama announced Monday that he has started a Facebook group to combat the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf.

"I'm glad he's finally decided to take this situation seriously," stated Fox News Correspondent Sean Hannity. "He's had all this time to act and done nothing."

The group, called "Stop the BP Oil Spill NAO" has gotten off to a good start, according to White House officials.

"The group has 68 members right now, and I've been sending invites out to my friends like crazy," the President stated, "I'm pretty sure once we get a million subscribers, we'll have this entire situation in the bag."

Several people seem reluctant to join the group.

"You betcha this socialist group is gonna start spamming my wall with liberal propaganda the moment I join," stated former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin. "That will only mess up my Farmville."

"I don't understand how clicking the word 'like' on my computer can have any affect on anything in the real world," said former President Bill Clinton. "If I were in office, I might try actually DOING something. Heck, I might do something anyway since nobody else seems to be."

To contribute to the cleanup effort, log on to facebook.com.

A School Letter from my Nightmares

2010-06-15T14:00:00.005-07:00

This is the agonizing hell I envision the future may hold in store for my children... and I was bored.

Irony, Thy Name Is England

2010-06-14T10:17:00.004-07:00

Keep in mind, I teach a course in British Literature, which I usually prefer to title "Celtic Lit" just to show my disdain for the cultural rapists of the Isle of Britain ... but I love their writers and most of their culture actually.

I do loathe their politicians with a blazing white hot vituperativeness that exceeds the surface temps of a super nova (alliteration intended ...)

So the moaning and griping by English soccer chumps and even ESPN over the lone U.S. goal this past Saturday makes me eye roll like one of my students. Hell, the carping tone of the BBC coverage alone could make my cat laugh in its pathos.

But the bitching has become a blessing ... now I can teach irony all that much better to my young charges. You see, finding photos like the one below are rarely as symbiotic as this one, but now I can teach verbal vs. situational irony in one fell swoop (<--- note allusion to Shakespeare's Macbeth) ... what is meant by what was written behind the goalie, means something quite different to the watcher than is intended, but only after we see the irony of the failed stop by England's Robert Green ...

Of course, one could reasonably argue that the muff by Green is dramatic irony ... but if you know the world's game, you know that NOBODY expected that mistake at that moment in time ... and as situational irony surprises us into the vortex of the moment, while dramatic irony lets us watch the vortex suck up the character ... well, as I said . . . a picture is worth a thousand words, or at least one boring lecture ...

::: queue the eye roll :::

Finski

Chinese Labor Struggles Continue

2010-06-05T11:42:00.011-07:00

On May 17, 2010, 2000 workers in a Honda parts factory in Foshan, China, held a strike to demand higher wages. Assembly line workers in the plant currently make $227 per month, and management is now offering them an increase of 24% to $281 per month, still far below what a worker in Europe or the US receives for the same work (1). Some credit the new demands to a smaller supply of Chinese workers, relative to past generations. In other news, factory workers employed with Foxconn Technology Group have attempted suicide 13 times since the beginning of the year, and 10 have been successful. Foxconn employees make parts for some of the largest electronics companies in the US, including Apple, Dell, Sony and HP. A Foxconn employee reported that “life is meaningless” at the plant and that “conversation on the production line is forbidden, bathroom breaks are kept to 10 minutes every two hours and constant noise from the factory washes past his ear plugs, damaging his hearing” (2). Foxconn is going to raise wages by 30% in an attempt to stem the suicides.

The strike and suicides highlight the ongoing struggles of workers in China over the past decade. In 1996, there were 10,000 large-scale collective protests every year. In 2004 there were 74,000 protests, and in 2005 there were 87,000 protests, involving over 4 million workers (3). Because of rising discontent over harsh labor standards, the Chinese government proposed a new labor law in March 2006 that would give unions collective-bargaining power, require employers to provide their employees with written contracts and require that companies negotiate with worker representatives over working conditions (4). Of course, large US corporations would have none of that. The American Chamber of Commerce in Shanghai (AmCham), the United States-China Business Council and other corporations lobbied to gut the law. AmCham has 1,300 members, including GE, Microsoft, Dell and Ford. Other companies involved in the dispute were Wal-Mart and Google. AmCham issued a 42-page report which stated that worker protections would hinder their members’ ability to operate in the country and threatened that its members would move their factories to Thailand or Pakistan (5). A second draft of the law was released in December 2006, which substantially diluted the law according to the wishes of AmCham and the USCBC (6). The new draft “scaled back protections for employees and sharply curtailed the role of unions”, according to the director of human resources in China for Microsoft. Of course, American corporations did not stop there, and lobbied further against the law. The situation became so bad that in early 2007, Liu Cheng, a law professor at Shanghai Normal University, flew to Washington to press the government to stop corporations from opposing Chinese labor reforms.

The new labor law was passed by the Chinese legislature on June 29, 2007 and was enacted on January 1, 2008 (7). China’s migrant workers received pay increases of 19 percent in 2008 and 16 percent last year, but large labor problems continue to loom (8). On July 27, 2009, steel factory workers in Jilin killed a manager over a proposed merger in which 25,000 out of 30,000 employees were planned to be laid off (9). In another incident on September 2, 2009, two female employees at Philips Respironics were injured by police who broke up a strike in Shenzhen (10). This year, on January 22, 2010, employees of Wintek, a company which makes electronic components for Apple, rioted in Suzhou (11). Clearly, many Chinese workers are still unhappy with their working conditions.

So what does this all mean? China has 25% of the world’s workforce, so Chinese labor standards have an effect on workers throughout the world. Rising labor standards in China will create pressure to raise the labor standards in other developing countries as well. This could have the effect of equalizing the standards of living in developing and developed countries. What can people in developed countries do to help people who toil for our electronic goods? We can pressure US corporations to treat Chinese workers more like human beings and less like slaves. A boycott would be ineffective, because there are few consumer electronic products that are not at least partially made in China. Microsoft, Apple, Dell, HP and Sony all manufacture parts in China. In the meantime, we can buy non-electronic goods through Fair Trade networks, where workers are paid living wages and partnerships work to improve lives in developing countries. Here is a list of Fair Trade websites.

http://www.fairtradefederation.org/

http://www.fairtrade.org.uk/

http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/

http://www.globalexchange.org/

Governor X's Kitchen: Marukai Mysteries (Saba Kabayaki)

2010-06-02T20:43:00.006-07:00

With American Idol gone, we here at Skynet must turn our attention to new things. I'm going to refocus on eating strange food. I love fish, so what better section to start in than the fish section of Marukai Japanese market. I bought a variety of fresh fish items I can barely identify and this odd little can. I'll get back to the fresh fish later in the series, but tonight I needed a snack so this can found its way on my menu.

Mackerel comes in a can? Broiled? With sugar and soy sauce? Since I was raised by white folks, I was never exposed to such things.

The first thing you notice when you open the can is how strong the smell is. If fishy smells bother you, stay out of cheap Pahrump brothels and avoid this can. Pressing on, I discover the mackerel is quite solid. It comes out of the can in one big ass chunk.

I taste it...and shockingly enough, its not bad. Its teetering on being oddly good, but I can't really make that leap. It is far sweeter than I expected, like cheap mall teriyaki, but the fish itself is decent. I ended up eating about 3/4ths of the can.

Next on the Marukai Mystery Menu, kinki rockfish! Its red and white.

Sparklecados: Day 93

2010-05-28T19:22:00.002-07:00

One of the Sparklecados is going strong. One is...not. Its not dead, it just can't seem to bust out of its shell. No sparkling yet.

American Idol Finale Results

2010-05-26T22:07:00.009-07:00

Tonight we get to discover what annoying new voice will start either being blared at Jr. High dances across the nation or fade into relative obscurity with most of the past winners.

I missed the first ten minutes due to the need to clean sushi rice out from behind my finger nails. Don't ask; things can get wild around here sometimes.

Kris Allen is performing. The first several seconds of the performance were blared over by Seacrest's open mic, along with a stupid, "Is it open?" God, I hope the rest of the show is that clusterfucked. It would make this more bearable.

We are having a montage about Simon. Nobody is going to watch this show once he leaves.

Siobhan and Aaron Kelly are singing a duet. They are singing "How Deep is Your Love" by and with the BeeGees. Siobhan sounds awesome and should have won this season. Funny enough, the song stopped sounding good once the BeeGees themselves started singing along. I guess some things don't improve with age. I forgot how much I like this song. There are videos somewhere of me dancing to it in a diaper with one shoe on. Fortunately, these videos are not recent.

Now Big Mike is singing "Taking it to the Streets" with Michael McDonald. It's mercifully short, but Governor X says it's like passing a kidney stone. My dad passed a kidney stone once. He wept.

Some dipshit that probably works for the Renaissance Faire during the summer is singing a song about all the insults Simon has hurled over the years. He needs tights.

All the lady contestants of this season are singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." If this show doesn't stop spitting on songs I like, I'm going to write a firmly worded letter to someone. Now they are singing Aguilera's "Fighter." It's like they hacked my Ipod for song inspiration. Now Christina is onstage. Fap, or whatever the female equivalent is.

Next are all the idol blokes singing together with Hall and Oates. I really have nothing to say about this other than that grown men should not dance in formation. Nobody should, really.

Crystal is singing with Alanis Morissette. They changed some of the lyrics to be family friendly. I really don't approve of that, but I like Alanis so this is decent.

Carrie Underwood is onstage now. I wonder what song encouraging the destruction of private property she will belt out tonight.

Lee and Crystal helped create custom designs for the Ford Fiesta. Ford just gave them cars of their own sporting said designs. I guess they must have a great deal of faith in these kids' abilities to succeed, since they think they will actually need some cheapass cars.

Casey is singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn" with Bret Michaels. I wonder if Aguilera is the only current artist they plan on having tonight.

Lee is singing with Chicago. I had a crummy cassette of Chicago I used to play in my car when I was 16. I'm ashamed of myself.

There was just some montage of Simon fondling his own breasts and waking up next to Randy. I thought it was really stupid until I saw it was followed by a performance of "Pants on the Ground." I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Paula Abdul is now onstage in what looks like a dress made out of cotton candy to give a farewell speech to Simon. She's not funny, but she's trying. I'm just grateful she didn't sing.

The past idol winners have come together for a group song. Their backup chorus is made up of all the top ten contestants of yesteryear they could dig up. This is so fucking awful I may have to go destroy something beautiful to feel normal again.

The top ten are singing with Janet Jackson in what I can only assume and hope is the closing act before the results are revealed. Janet looks nice, though her hair is a bit short and shiny for my tastes. It looks like she used shoe polish on it. If you close your eyes, she sounds like her brother singing. Creepy.

Lee and Crystal are singing "With a Little Help From My Friends" with Joe Cocker. What would we do if you sang out of tune? Obviously we would vote you both to the top two, sillies!

Lee DeWyze is the next American Idol. Crystal looks really surprised. I don't think she or Lee expected him to win. Lee is now closing the show out by diddling "Beautiful Day" in the ass again. Fuck this show.

A-Wooooooo!!

American Idol Season Finale

2010-05-25T21:33:00.005-07:00

Finally, the ponderous slog through this awful season is drawing to a close. We are down to Lee and Crystal, boring vs. boar, in what is sure to be a completely anticlimactic battle. There are to be three rounds this time, the first one a rehash of a previous performance, the second a random choice, and the third is what single the winner will release.

Lee starts off the night by singing "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel again. It is absolutely tedious, and this is coming from a woman who adores the song. He looks stoned and clueless, like he doesn't know where the hell he is when he's singing.

Crystal answers Lee's outdated song with one of her own, "Me and Bobby McGee." This is another song I like, and while she isn't perfect, she avoids screaming and looks alert. Her dreadful grill is still distracting me. I wonder if her breath smells like rotting meat?

Round two: Fight! Lee is performing R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." This is horrendous. Everybody listening to this horseshit certainly hurts. We here at Skynet have a great love for R.E.M. Lee's whining, monotone voice is destroying something wholesome and pure. I don't think this guy has any testicles.

Crystal has decided to go with something we only hear 500 times every Idol audition: "Black Velvet." Really? I guess it might sound pretty darn good, but I just cannot get past this horrible song choice. Also, Crystal is wearing what looks like a hefty bag. Hot.

The third round is nigh. Lee is doing a cover of U2's "Beautiful Day." If you are remotely familiar with Skynet and its writers, you understand that Lee may now be in terrible danger for daring to publicly molest a U2 song in this manner. He sounds terrible; he can't stay on key and his voice is nasally.

For the final performance of the night, Crystal has chosen something I have never heard before called "Up to the Mountain." Sorry, Governor X, but this actually sounds pretty damn good. I may be biased because of my new-found seething hatred for Lee and all that he loves, and I certainly wouldn't voluntarily play this tune in my car, but I am calling Bowersox for the win this year.

If you weren't aware...BP = Arco in California

2010-05-24T21:00:00.002-07:00

Dragon Warrior IV Haiku - Part 1, Narcoleptic Bomb Crag

2010-05-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

A Bomb Crag appears

But it is always asleep

It is exhausted

Interview with the Pansexual: Part 3

2010-05-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

To conclude Pansexuality Awareness Week, we're pleased to bring you the third and final installment of our Interview with the Pansexual series. To lighten the mood, we opened the conversation up to some of the more absurd questions our staff came up with. Ever wonder how Kurt Cobain's headless corpse fits in to pansexuality? You're about to find out.

That concludes the serious portion of our interview. As you know, the Skynet staff is comprised of a bunch of adults who are still giggling 12 year olds at heart, so we have some additional offbeat questions, but before we move on to that, is there anything you would like to add?

lol Oh boy. No, nothing that I can think of at the moment.

OK. On with the show then...

Right. Don't leave me hanging in suspense.

Would you want to have Na'vi tail sex if you were physically capable?

You know, I would totally give that a whirl.

I think I would too. The Na'vi seem really happy.

They're pretty damn hot too.

Agreed. Have you ever asked your husband to cross dress?

Not specifically, but I've offered to let him wear my underwear and such. He wouldn't go for it.

Was that a buzzkill?

Well, his reaction was so funny, I couldn't really feel too disheartened about it.

Would you rather have done Kurt Cobain or Courtney Love in their prime?

Oh god. Kurt Cobain. Courtney Love was and is hideous.

That leads into my follow up.

How handy.

Given one is still Courtney Love and the other is now a headless corpse, which would you prefer today?

Haha. I'd have to make my own third option, which is "neither."

Their daughter, Frances Bean will be legal in August. Just want to throw that out there if that changes things. What do you think of the furries?

I didn't even know they had a daughter. lol - Oh lawd. Furry lovers can be rather ridiculous, but whatever. I don't hate the furries.

But its nothing that interests you?

Not really. Some people are into it, and that's cool, but it's not my thing.

What about anime characters? They can be overtly sexual at times. I hear Trunks makes some of the ladies swoon.

Man, Trunks is one hot bitch.

I'll take that as yes then?

Definitely. I am an anime/manga whore.

What is the anime porn? Hentai?

Indeed. There's also yaoi and yuri.

Which one is the best?

Actually, I kinda like yaoi best.

Is yuri girl/girl, yaoi guy/guy or is that just what the google happened to give me when I did a search?

lol - No, no, that's right.

We have a lot of Catholic high school students who read this blog. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you to clear your browsing history when you log off if you just googled that. Next question...I'm sure you can figure out who this is from. Buttsecks?

Hahaha. I am not a fan, no.

Does my desire to go jogging with Orlando Bloom make me a pansexual or is it just kind of gay?

Who wouldn't want to go jogging with Orlando Bloom?

Sickos. That's who.

Right!

OK. Last question. At our local Carl's, Joanna, a transexual works the register at lunchtime during the week. Is there anything you would like to say to her?

Sure. I'd like fries with that.

Ranch or ketchup?

Ketchup. Ranch belongs only on salad.

I can't disagree with you more. Anyway...Thanks for taking the time for this chat. It will be very informative for our readers.

Sure sure. Oh I hope so.

**************************

That concludes our interview and Pansexuality Awareness Week. I'd like to thank Ultimate Ice for tolerating our questions. I hope you've found this informative. Well, I hope you found parts one and two informative anyway.

On Pandora, everyone has blue balls...

Happy Day of Hatred ...

2010-05-20T13:21:00.006-07:00

Imagine my joy when I pulled up my favorite Wiki site today and checked on birthdays and holidays for May 20th . . . plenty of both, to be sure. I mean, what's a boring Thursday without the awareness that Sadaharu Oh and Busta Rhymes share a birthday, and that crazed Quebeckers tried to separate from Canada back in 1980. Those Frenchies must have KNOWN that Reagan was months away from being elected . . .

But I had never heard of Cambodia and Kampuchea declaring May 20 a national "Day of Hatred" . . . or more properly translated, "Day of Prolonged Rage" . . . thanks for that second clarification, by the way. Hatred seemed so impersonal, but prolonged rage gives me a warm fuzzy sensation . . .

I will admit that I do not understand the Asian mindset. I respect SE Asian culture and I empathize with their sufferings under colonial abuse and communistic demagoguery. But a Day of Hatred? Are you kidding me? I'm Irish Catholic and I get being pissed off. I want to set fire to the British Union Jack every time I look at it. But 24 hours just to loathe Pol Pot? A full day to hate American imperialism, or focus detestation on Japanese expansion?

In case you doubt the veracity of my entry, here are some spurious sources ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Day_of_Hatred

AND

http://www.einaudi.cornell.edu/southeastasia/outreach/resources/cambodiawebunit/culture.html

So, wherever you are, go out tonight after work and hate you some honky, or chuck a rock at that team photo of the Khmer Rouge you keep in your parlor. Because it is Hatred Day . . . and judas priest, why not feel the rage, huh?

Finski

This guy has some issues; I guess he couldn't wait until may 20th ...

Interview with the Pansexual: Part 2

2010-05-19T08:00:00.002-07:00

In part two of our Interview with the Pansexual series, Ultimate Ice opens up about her own personal experiences. Also, I'd like to remind you that its Pansexuality Awareness Week here at Skynet, so at least try to be aware. Now for part two:

When did you first realize you were pansexual, and when did you "come out"?

Well, I realized I was bisexual in...2003, I think? That sort of transitioned into pansexuality.

Was there something that triggered the transition from bi to pan, or was it just the realization that pansexuality fit your personal situation better?

No, there was nothing specific. It just sort of came to be on its own.

So have you had sexual relationships with anyone other than a male since acknowledging your pansexuality?

Unfortunately, no, haha. I know that will raise the question "how can you be sure?" or claims that I'm just curious, from some people.

As I understand it, pansexuality does not preclude physical preferences, but merely means one is open to a relationship with someone of any gender. Do you have a physical preference?

True. And I'm not really sure that I have a preference. It's all good.

That would include hermaphroditic people, transgendered, intersex, etc?

Yes yes.

**************************

I felt I shouldn't pry too much here. I couldn't risk offending our gracious interview subject before I got to the good stuff, which you will be able to read in part three on Friday. Ever wonder how the Na'vi and Kurt Cobain fit into this? You'll find out.

Bitch and Daniela Sea are not pansexual, nor are they attending a ren faire. At least I don't think they are.

American Idol Update: Week 13

2010-05-18T21:02:00.008-07:00

American Idol is down to three singers, and they are doing their usual final three show. Each contestant is singing two songs, one chosen by them, one chosen by a judge. The judges always pick god-awful songs. (Simon choosing "Over the Rainbow" for Katharine McPhee, anyone?)

Casey chose "OK, It's Alright With Me" by Eric Hutchinson. This kind of music suits his voice well, unfortunately I can't stand it. The judges are tearing him to pieces for his song choice.

Last week Randy's idiotic banter drove me to discuss proper music terminology. I thought I would continue along this vein by discussing different types of instruments. Now that the Idol contestants are encouraged to play as well as sing, this knowledge has become applicable.

Most contestants play different variations of the guitar. The guitar is a string instrument. Music is created by vibrating strings of different lengths or tensions. String instruments include violin, harp, lute and ukulele.

Crystal Bowersox has chosen "Come to My Window" by Melissa Ethridge. I enjoy me some Melissa. This might be okay if she can avoid screaming. One thing that bothers me about Crystal is hard for me to admit. It's her teeth. I'm not a big fan of phony beauty standards, and I don't think she needs caps or anything, but they are quite brown. A little whitening, especially when you are a singer and your mouth is so visible, might convey a better image. Crystal did not scream. Most of the judges didn't like it, but I actually did. Simon liked it too.

The simplest kind of musical instrument is percussion. Percussion instruments consist of anything that gets banged on, such as drums, cymbals, your mom or even maracas. Fun fact: the piano is considered both a string and a percussion instrument. When you press the keys of a piano, the strings inside are struck by hammers. The piano is very confused.

Lee DeWyze has chosen "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. This has potential, but it's falling flat, literally. He sounds nasally and off key. Of course Randy loved it. That man wouldn't know pitch if it were a fork and chasing him from the village.

Woodwind instruments make sound when wind is blown over an angled edge or through a reed or two. Most were traditionally made of wood, but have more recently been constructed of metal or plastic. The woodwind family includes the flute, clarinet, bagpipes, and saxophone.

Randy and Kara chose John Mayer's "Daughters" for Casey. His voice is suited for this song. I would say this is the first performance by him that seems professional. I suppose he could have a break from being my cabana boy if he promises to sound that good. Kara just told Casey he has a "hard time showing his vulnerable side." Simon almost fell over laughing.

Brass instruments are of course trumpets, french horns, and the like. Brass instruments produce sound through a combination of the vibration of the player's lips and the vibration of air resonating through a tube. Different notes are created by different lengths of tubing. The tube length is changed by opening and closing different valves or by lengthening and collapsing the tube by sliding it.

Ellen chose Crystal's next song, "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney. Oh man, I love this song. She's all over the place with her pitch and she's screaming again. I appreciate that she didn't change the gender references in the lyrics. I can't stand it when singers do that. Sing the song as it's written, you homophobes!

A subclass of brass instruments is low-brass. These are brass instruments that play in a much lower octave, such as tuba, trombone, and baritone.

Simon chose the gospel song "Hallelujah" for Lee. This song is more than a little campy. He's putting a great deal of emotion into it, which almost makes up for the fact his voice sounds like he has a harelip. Aww, he looks like he's about to cry as the song concludes. Now I feel a little guilty.

My prediction? Casey is going the way of the dodo.

Interview with the Pansexual: Part 1

2010-05-17T17:54:00.012-07:00

We've arbitrarily declared it Pansexuality Awareness Week here at Skynet. Why? Well because I recently had a chance to sit down and discuss a wide variety of topics with a pansexual person. For those of you who don't know, pansexuals are open to all genders, not just male or female. Oh yes. Don't worry, I ask the question that's on your mind.

I'd like to introduce you to "Ultimate Ice", a 28 year old female pansexual living in a bleak corner of the country. She generally doesn't care to speak to people, so this is a rare treat. This interview was conducted May 16, 2010 and will be posted in three parts. After the customary pleasantries we jumped right into things. First up, an overview of pansexuality. This was the longest and most in depth portion of our interview.

Governor X: Is there a large pansexual community?

Ultimate Ice: Not as large as the gay community, but yeah.

Are any of your friends pansexual?

Naw. I have a lesbian friend and a couple of quasi-bi-sexual friends.

Quasi-bisexual? Meaning you feel they aren't being totally honest with themselves?

Yes, exactly. We flirt with each other and it's pretty much a mutual agreement we would do some hanky panky, but they don't label themselves as bi-sexual.

Could you give us a bit on what the difference between a pansexual and a bisexual is?

Well, there's more than just "male" and "female." Pansexuals are open to all genders.

More genders?

Sure. Hermaphrodites, for one. There's also transgendered people, which is something more mental than physical.

While we're on the subject of bisexuality, as you may know there is somewhat of a rift between the gay and bisexual communities - as a pansexual, how do you fit into this if at all?

I don't, really. I've never lived in areas with a lot of gay or bisexual people, so I'm not really in that loop. I've heard of plenty of my lesbian friend's experiences with bisexuals, though.

And how have those experiences been?

Not exactly good. The bisexuals she's met don't seem to be honest with themselves, either.

OK. Do you feel discriminated against as a pansexual?

Not really. I'm pretty open about it and everyone who knows is cool with it. They don't treat me any differently.

So you don't really feel any pressure to conform from any of the other sexual groups?

Nah. Of course, I'm not around many people from those communities, with being anti-social and all. But as it stands now, no.

Do pansexuals tend to more often be male or female?

I think I've come across more females than males. Actually, I can't recall having met a male pansexual.

Interesting. Do you feel that is because of biological or social reasons?

Maybe both? Who knows. A lot of people aren't even aware of pansexuality. Which is the point of this interview. But I can't count how many times I've had to explain it to someone who had no clue. Pansexuality is still relatively new in that regard.

True. The gay community is very politically active, fighting for equal marriage rights and so forth. Is the pansexual community active in a similar way?

Definitely. I know I am.

Do you see any problem with putting a label on your sexuality considering it is to some degree defined in rejecting gender labels?

I don't like labels in general. "Pansexual" works for me since it's so broad. But I think they're just petty and unnecessary most, if not all, of the time.

Does pansexuality include polyamory or do dedicated monogamous relationships have their place in a pansexual's life?

Polyamory is sort of its own thing. That can apply to anyone, regardless of their orientation. Whether you want one partner or several isn't necessarily dictated by your orientation.

That's true enough, but the question about monogamy is valid though yes? If you are attracted to all sexes, does monogamy still have its place, or would there be something lacking?

It has its place, certainly. A pansexual may be attracted to all sexes, but that doesn't mean they're guaranteed to love more than one person.

In conducting research for this interview, I noticed there are pansexuals and polysexuals. The definitions didn't seem to offer much difference. Do you consider polysexuality any different from pansexuality?

Right, it's not much different in definition. I guess if you're attracted to men, women and transgendered people, but not hermaphrodites, for example, then it works. But that's just kind of silly. They're different, but not by much.

Does the actual physical act of sex differ for a pansexual person in any way?

No, it doesn't.

So pansexuality does not, as one of our writers believes, encompass all techniques as well?

Well, in general we find anything acceptable. That doesn't mean all pansexuals practice everything.

I recently became aware of a Swedish woman who married the Berlin Wall in the early 80's. Would you consider her a pansexual?

I'd consider her crazy - lol - That would be something else entirely. Sexual orientations like bi, pan, etc., apply to consentual human beings, not inanimate objects.

So this would also rule out animals?

Yes. Animals cannot give consent.

**************************

Wednesday, in part two, we will discuss her own personal experience as a pansexual. In part three, we will lighten the mood significantly and deal with some of the more absurd questions our staff came up with.

These ladies have a surprise for you...

Leper King Haiku

2010-05-16T16:31:00.001-07:00

Leper King Baldwin

Has faith in Orlando Bloom
He is misguided

American Idol Update: Week 12

2010-05-11T21:26:00.007-07:00

It's movie soundtrack night on Idol. This has potential, so I am sure they will pick the oldest and most boring songs on Earth. Oh, it looks like there will be duets tonight, too. This should be dreadful.

Lee DeWyze is first with "Kiss from a Rose". I really like this song and his voice sounds okay, but he is rushing through it. This guy needs to practice with a metronome.

I am really tired of Randy saying "pitchy." Weren't you a musician? Use proper terminology, dawg.

Big Mike is next. He's freeing his willy with a terrible Michael Jackson song. This is awful. I hope he goes the hell home. Simon just made a dick joke. Better him than Ellen.

For Randy's sake, we are going to talk about music terminology. When a note is too high, it is called "sharp." When it is too low, it is called "flat."

Crystal and Lee are singing "Falling Slowly" with dueling acoustic strumming. It actually sounded pretty good. They both look stoned.

Let's talk a little bit about clefs. On the piano, the very center C key is called "middle C." The notes immediately above middle C fall on the "treble clef." Those directly below middle C fall on the "bass clef."

Casey is singing Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate. Way to stay current. He's pretty hot; he needs to just sit quietly and look pretty. I like Simon and Garfunkel for the nostalgia. This does NOT need a remake. Is that a ukulele? I'm going to my happy place now.

The volume changes in music are called "dynamics." We use Italian terms such as "piano" (soft) or "forte" (loud) to tell the musicians how loudly to play. When the music gradually gets louder, this is called a "crescendo." When it gets gradually softer, this is called "decrescendo." When it slows down, it is called "retard," which always made us giggle in junior high orchestra.

Crystal is "singing" the song from Caddyshack. Again, way to stay current, people. Governor X can't stand this woman. I normally find her to be pretty decent. Tonight she's becoming tiresome. She screams every song she touches.

Have you ever seen a band playing, and at the end they hold a long note until the director cuts them off with a hand signal? This is called a "fermata."

Oh boy, Casey and Mike are singing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman." This song is really overdone. They are in tune, for the most part, but this is a snoozefest. Ellen made a bad lesbian joke. Why is she here? She isn't remotely funny. She needs to stick to voicing cartoon fish.

The only thing that sounded remotely good was the boring duet by Crystal and Lee. Everyone interesting has been voted off.

Did you know it was Farty Bulldog Awareness Week?

A Note on the British Election

2010-05-06T06:00:00.003-07:00

Its election day in Britain and the Rt. Hon. gentleman from Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, Prime Minister Gordon Brown needs your vote.

Does he really deserve another term though?

When you look at it, Brown and the Labour Party have probably run out of steam. I'm a Labour supporter going back a long time, but as I consider myself Old Labour, I've never been 100% behind the party as it has existed under Blair and Brown. While they abandoned the official party line supporting traditional cradle-to-grave European socialism, they have done a fair enough job of preserving the National Health Service and the rest of the social safety net to retain my support over the years. That said, the party seriously lost its way when it went all in with the Bush Administration's neo-fascist anti-terror policies and foolhardy invasion of Iraq. Can we really sweep that under the rug?

What is the real alternative though? For the first time in a long time, the two party stranglehold on British politics is showing cracks. The Liberal Democrats have gained significant support during this election cycle thanks in large part to party leader Nick Clegg's strong performance in the debates (this is the first British election to feature American style debates between the three major party leaders). The LibDem's offer a serious break with British tradition on many issues, most significantly being their support for proportional representation in the UK, a political reform which would basically relegate the Tories to permanent minority status. Clegg comes off as a bright, energetic leader willing to be frank with the people, as he has been in telling the British people he is an atheist. Yes, the British have an atheist as a major party leader. Suck on it. The sad fact remains that the LibDems aren't going to win. The very best outcome they could hope for is a power sharing deal with Labour should the election produce no clear winner.

There are also the Tories. The party that gutted British social services, privatized the rail system, and sent the British fleet to defend the 6 sheep that live in the Falkland Islands from Argentinian aggression. Party leader David Cameron is slick and smooth like a Land Rover salesman, saying all the right things, and perhaps most importantly after 13 years of Labour, representing the face of change. But make no mistake, this is the same Tory party of Thatcher and Major. What was that phrase about putting lipstick on a pig? David Cameron is just a stylish stick of MAC lipstick on the same Thatcherite pig. And that is one ugly ass pig...

So who should it be? In a perfect world, the LibDems deserve a shot and Clegg would probably make a fantastic Prime Minister. That is highly unlikely to occur though. So between the Tories and Labour who should it be? The Conservative Party simply cannot be trusted to protect the social safety net or refrain from nuking Buenos Aires over a cup of bitter maté. The best thing I can say about the Tories is that Oasis put out much better music when they were in charge. Definitely Maybe and (What's the Story) Morning Glory? are classics. Conversely, the band has shown a serious decline under Labour and especially under Gordon Brown. After Blair handed the reins of power over to Brown, Oasis released a steaming turd of an album called Dig Out Your Soul and eventually broke up. Would a Tory victory lead to an Oasis reunion? Probably not. Noel isn't voting Labour this time around (he was invited to 10 Downing after Blair took power in 1997), but he isn't voting for the Conservatives either. He recently announced plans to scribble TEVEZ IS GOD on his ballot to show his support for Manchester City footballer Carlos Tevez.

That leaves us with Labour and Gordon Brown. Flawed? Yes. Better than the Tories? Oh hell yes. Besides, we feel obligated to stand by the Prime Minister. You shouldn't need to be flashy to lead a country. You should have a solid grasp of the issues, an inquisitive mind, and the people's best interests at heart. Gordon Brown is no saint, but he certainly meets that criteria. Vote Labour.

The 1997 Labour Party Manifesto. One of the most prized pieces of my random political junk collection.

American Idol Update: Week 11 (Results?)

2010-05-05T20:00:00.003-07:00

As I announced last evening, I refused to subject myself to "Harry Connick Jr arranges Frank Sinatra songs night" on Idol. I will however suffer through the results show to see Lady Gaga perform. She will probably come out with a dead peacock on her head or something. We'll have to wait and see.

First...this crap starts at 9? Give me a break. Just put it on at 8 and be done with it. Randy Jackson is dressed like the great pumpkin. This is going to suck.

The top five are doing a Sinatra medley. I feel like I caught the early bird buffet at the Colorado Belle in Laughlin. At least Laughlin would have female impersonators doing a Sinatra medley. Aaron Kelly sounds like a girl, and Big Mike has boobs, but it just isn't the same. Oh man, its going to be great when one of these losers goes home. I hope they cry. I will feed on their disappointment and gain strength.

I don't know that I've heard a Kris Allen song since he won last season. All he seems to do is Ford commercials. Dumb Ford commercials too. Ford is actually bragging that their cars are made for idiots. Hey, this car will automatically hide the body if you accidentally back over the neighbor's cat whilst texting!

Lee is first up. It feels like they've been talking to him since last Tuesday. Holy hell this guy is boring. He used to work at a paint store - I'm guessing fumes have a lot to do with his personality. Oh here we go. He's safe! Shocking!

RA RA AH AH AH, GA GA OOH LA LA is here to sing Alejandro. Yay! She appears to be wearing a mosquito net over her head and lingerie. One of her half naked male dancers just ripped her mosquito net off. She might get malaria you dick! Well, that was swell. She should perform every week.

We're a half hour into the "results" show and we've only been told one of the results. Fail. I already know who went home because I cheat, so its no skin off my back.

Harry Connick Jr is performing. Mute.

Wait...why am I still watching this? I already saw Lady Gaga and I know Aaron went home (oops, spoilers!). Nuts to this. See you next week.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 5 Winner

2010-05-05T06:00:00.001-07:00

With 35 points the winner is...you guessed it, Riley. I'm told the students are concerned the fix may be in. I assure you there is no fix. I'm far too lazy. Perhaps instead of bitching about the results you will rise to the challenge and submit better material next week.

Ms. Keys sings quite well

She taught them a thing or two

She rocks the keys too

OK then. Congrats again Riley. I'm told we are once again interfering with actual school work, so we may or may not have additional submissions this season. You are, of course, more than welcome to submit your haiku to Skynet and we'll most likely find a way of using them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm watching Contact, so here is a picture of MIR.

S. R. Hadden lived out his final days on MIR.

American Idol Update: Week 11

2010-05-04T18:18:00.004-07:00

I will endure a lot of things for the sake of this blog, but I will not subject myself to "Harry Connick Jr. arranges Frank Sinatra songs night" on American Idol. Furthermore, Siobhan was booted off last week so there is really no one worth rooting for. For a change of pace this week, we will be chronicling the results show tomorrow evening. Lady Gaga is performing and one of these undeserving assholes is going home. If that isn't good enough for you, we will be announcing the winner of this week's AI haiku contest tomorrow morning.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 4 Winner

2010-04-29T05:00:00.001-07:00

It was a hotly contested race this week, but emerging victoriously for the second time in the competition is Riley with 30 first place points. Congrats. You're turning into a regular Allen Ginsburg...if Allen Ginsburg ever wrote haiku about ghastly TV shows.

The loser was Tim

He was not that good this week

Go take a cry, Tim

Riley?

American Idol Update: Week 10

2010-04-27T18:55:00.006-07:00

We're down to six. The end is nigh and so on. This is usually when I start to wonder what I'm going to watch when Idol ends. Fortunately for me the baseball season has started. Unfortunately for me, the Dodgers are embarrassing this year. Oh well. I have a lot of DVDs.

The American Idol Haiku Project is chugging along as well. We'll have this week's winner posted Thursday morning, but in the meantime it seems we have actual fans! I know, I can't believe it either. Anyway, Idol and Haiku aficionado Tanya has submitted a haiku for each contestant this week. Even though we here at Skynet do not support the Symbionese Liberation Army (at least not anymore), I've decided to include them as part of this week's update. Note, she seems to like a lot of the contestants, so as they say on the DVD, the views expressed in these haiku do not necessarily represent the views of Skynet: California.

Shania Twain night? Don't the judges always say you need to be current and relevant? This woman hasn't released a CD since 2002. Whatever.

Lee Dewyze - Joey Generic sings an appropriately generic sugary country/pop staple, You're Still the One. Don't worry Lee, you're still the one I feel came off the American Idol non-threatening assembly line. Kara is obsessed with seeing this guy smile. Who cares. Kurt Cobain never smiled and he turned out ok. Oh...

I love me my Lee
said to be behind Crystal
great on the guitar

Michael Lynche - They should forbid contestants from sitting on the stairs. Its cheesy. OK, as you well know by now I've had it with Big Mike, but this is pretty ridiculous even for him. Other people I've had it with? Kara. STFU already.

It's Mike on the mic
kinda reminds me of rueben
soulful teddy bear

Casey James - Is it just me or does Shania sound really weird? You know when you're sick and you need to clear your throat, but you can't? Get this girl some Ricola. I don't know this song. Its hard to pick something obscure when you're picking from a three CD catalog, but here we are. He's really not a bad singer, but he needs better material to pick from.

Casey on guitar
he is Idol's McDreamy
and all the girls swoon

Crystal Bowersux - The judges really want her to win. They wanted Adam Lambert to win last year too, but that didn't happen. There will be a backlash against her awful singing and dirty hippie persona. Ma and Pa Kettle in Fargo are seething with rage right now. They're so angry they're getting ready to join a Tea Party to vent their non-specific rage. Randy and Ellen clearly hated this performance, but can't bring themselves to say it. At least Simon can say it sucked.

Crystal in the dreds
they say you're the frontrunner
hey, you have my vote

Aaron Kelly - I kind of agree with Tanya on this one. Aaron does give off a David Archuletta vibe, but in that one day the police will find some teenage boys tied up in his basement kind of way. I'm guessing that isn't how she meant it.

Big-voiced Aaron's great
and he's only seventeen
like Archuletta

Siobhan Magnus - Oh man, she looks extra crazy tonight. Its your typical idiotic country song, but she's giving it the old college try. Much better than the last couple snoozers she's dropped. She's still got Skynet's backing.

Oh Siobhan, Siobhan
a chameleon, you are
Kara doesn't get you

Thanks to Tanya for her submissions this week. Head back Thursday for the winner of this week's Haiku competition!

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 3 Winner

2010-04-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

The votes are in and with a total of 40 first place points, Shane emerges victoriously lamenting the pathetic lack of musical knowledge among this year's contestants. Job well done. You may be wondering what happened to week two. We don't really speak about that anymore. Please don't ask again.

One young contestant

Did not know who fronts the Stones

Mick Jagger, of course!

Conservative Nonsense

2010-04-20T23:28:00.006-07:00

Many conservatives continue to contend that America is a Christian nation, that the founding fathers were Christian, and of course everything the founding fathers ever thought, touched, or pissed on is a golden nugget of awesome, ne'er to be altered or questioned. Recently, the Republicans' favorite troll, Sarah Palin, gave a speech condemning the Supreme Court ruling that the National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional.

I have only this to offer as rebuttal, from the Treaty of Tripoli, which was ratified in 1797 and then signed by founding father and POTUS, John Adams.

Art. 11. As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion,—as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen,—and as the said States never entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

And that's really all I have to say about this rubbish.

American Idol Update: Week 9

2010-04-20T19:57:00.003-07:00

Sup Rasta...its Idol time again. Tuesday, 4/20/2010. The theme writes itself, but does Idol go with it? No, of course not. Instead of hearing the work of Bob Marley, Grateful Dead and other classic bands, its "inspirational song" night? Really? Fail. I'm going to guess I won't be inspired to do anything but change the channel.

One thing I can get behind tonight is Alicia Keys (lulz! sex pun!). She's the mentor, suggesting ways the contestants can been one of the hottest women around or something. She sings OK too.

Casey James - Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop. Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign theme song. See? This site is educational. Who knows when you may be in a game of Trivial Pursuit with a crazy kidnapper who has given you the option of beating him at the game or losing your life. You draw a card...What was the theme of the 1992 Clinton/Gore campaign? Score! You're alive! I liked Casey's performance, so naturally the judges hated it.

Lee Dewyze - He's singing "The Boxer". No clue what it is, but I'm sure its boring and he'll sing it poorly. We need to see a lot less of this guy and a lot more Alicia Keys. THESE STREETS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BRAND NEW, BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! See? It even says "inspire" in the lyrics. Empire State of Mind > this garbage Lee is singing.

Tim Urban - I don't know what this song is either. I'm inspired to go to the other room and get a snack. Sashimi. Yes, sashimi for a snack.

Aaron Kelly - LOL at this kid. Who is voting for him? Simon said if he heard this performance in the car, he would have turned it off within ten seconds - but then said Aaron made it quite good. What?

Siobhan Magnus - Oh man, you're killing me! I'm starting to fear she's peaked. I don't know if the season can survive that. Hopefully she comes back with something that isn't coma inducing next week. Kara wants to hang out with her, but doesn't know who she is! At least Paula was high as a kite when nonsense like that spilled out of her mouth.

Michael Lynche - I'm really tired of this guy. Its a damn shame they wasted their save on him a few weeks ago. He's comically awful tonight.

Crystal Bowersox - Speaking of tiresome contestants, Treasure Trail annoys me more and more every week. She's crying? Wow. I mean, it sucked and everything, but its nothing to cry over.

Sparklecados: Day 49

2010-04-15T19:37:00.003-07:00

By now you've probably forgotten about Skynet's groundbreaking experiment trying to grow avocado pits in Twilight cups to see if they sparkle. I do for days at a time, but fortunately they seem pretty hearty so it isn't a big deal. In fact, I forgot to keep them watered for a few days but they are no worse for the wear.

As you can see here, the bulbs are beginning to sprout. Took these damn things long enough. So far, no sparkling.

American Idol Update Week 8

2010-04-13T19:27:00.006-07:00

Its Elvis week and Adam Lambert is the mentor. That's an awful lot of pelvic thrusting for Ma and Pa Kettle in flyover country. I hope they can handle it. I really can't deal with anymore fake outrage from these hayseeds.

Also, my art class has run out of steam. Its too much work, and above all else, I'm lazy, so you're just going to have to take a real art class if you want to better yourself. You certainly won't better yourself by reading Idol recaps. I'm sure I'll have another half baked idea that will go unfinished before the season is over.

Crystal Bowersux - Haha. Get it? Bowersux! Because I don't care for her. Don't care for the song either. I'm sure you're shocked to hear that. Did you know Elvis was high as a kite in this picture with Nixon? If Nixon got high once in awhile he would have been a lot more mellow.

Andrew Garcia - Looks like they're getting the worst contestants out of the way early. I can respect that. Whether or not I can survive it is another story. Quit using your son as a crutch. No one cares that you're a father. Haha! Lambert just told him he's boring. That made my night. Randy just said it was awful karaoke too. Because the judges used their save last week, this dude is toast. Go back to Moreno Valley you bum!

Tim Urban - I go months at a time without a haircut, so I'm hardly one to talk, but this dude really needs to visit a Great Clips. He'll look like they ran a lawnmower over his head afterwards, but so be it. This was easily his least awful performance on the show. Vote for the Worst is going to need a new candidate.

Lee Dewyze - I'd love to hear a little less of A Little Less Conversation. This guy is so bland. I think he came off the same assembly line that produced David Cook and Chris Daughtry. Remember GM cars in the 80's? GM would make one model car and put a Chevy, Pontiac, Buick, Cadillac, and Oldsmobile logos on it so they could offer "five" models. That's what's going on here. Boring, just like the Chevy Celebrity.

Aaron Kelly - Blue Suede Shoes. Puke. Shouldn't this kid be in school?

Siobhan Magnus - Uh oh, she sounds borderline sane in the interview tonight. I hope she still sounds good. The crazy is part of her appeal. Siobhan and Lambert...what a pair. She's doing Suspicious Minds. Yay, one of the few Elvis songs I like. This started out good, but this lounge act ending is hideous. What are you doing to me girl? Its OK. We're still tight.

Michael Lynche - The judges wasted their save on this guy last week. You've seen all you're going to out of him. Time to break it off. What the hell is Kara wearing?

Katie Stevens - This girl really isn't very good. She also looks a lot older than 17. I don't know this song either. Its pretty cheesy though.

Casey James - I really hope this is the last performance. I can't deal with anymore Elvis tonight. This theme needs to die on the commode prior to next season.

Whew. Its over. Lambert will be performing tomorrow on the results show, so put the kiddies to bed early and break out the bondage gear. Stay tuned for Glee? No u.

Hot Danish curlers heart Skynet: California's American Idol Update.

Johnny Weir and California Cuties Mascot Lil Zipper

2010-04-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

Exactly what the title says. Why did you expect anything different?

American Idol Update: Week 7 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

2010-04-06T20:07:00.007-07:00

No art class tonight. Professor Governor X is tired. I blame you, dear readers. Let's just do Idol.

Its Lennon and McCartney night. We may actually have some good stuff come out of this (who am I kidding?), or at the very least, some entertaining fail. What's wrong with Paul McCartney? He seems like he's intoxicated. Furthermore, whatever happened to that peg-legged wife of his?

Aaron Kelly - The other contestants have nicknamed him Yoda. I'd name him asshat. Asshat is singing The Long and Winding Road. Lennon and McCartney wrote hundreds of great songs and you picked probably the most boring of them all. Snooze.

Katie Stevens - Let it Be. I wish she had let this song be. Its one of my favorite Beatles songs and she's not doing it justice. Frankly, this is ghastly and I can't wait for it to end. The judges liked it. I'm guessing they were listening to the original on their iPods.

Andrew Garcia - I was just reminded that this was the name of a douchebag I used to work with who is truly one of the most objectionable people I've ever met. He's from New Jersey, carries around that weird ex-military chip on his shoulder, and suffers from a severe case of short man syndrome. Idol's Andrew Garcia probably isn't a bad person like the other one, but he certainly sucks as a musician. Someone bang the gong already and thet this man off the stage!

Michael Lynche - Barry White Wannabe is tackling Eleanor Rigby. Draw the windows and get out the cutting razor, its depression time gang! Um dude, this doesn't really work as a peppy R&B track. What a disaster. Remember what I said about catching some epic fail tonight? Well here you go.

Sudden thought...if no one sings I Am the Walrus tonight, I'm going to start a riot.

Another thought...Meg Whitman, get off my TV. You're a cow. Running California isn't anything like running a "business" where you can sell Crazy Aunt Rita's ceramic cat collection after she asphyxiates in the garage. You suck. Go away. Ask Governor Al Checchi and Senator Michael Huffington how buying political seats in this state works out.

Crystal Bowersox - Blue Napkins calls her Treasure Troll. I'm going with Treasure Trail. The didgeridoo isn't necessary Treasure Trail. Your smelly hippie street cred is safe. Fact: I own a really sweet didge with a turtle carved on it. Why? My smelly hippie street cred needed some bolstering.

Tim Urban - Even with Vote for the Worst backing this guy can't survive much longer can he? Can he????? The judges praised him, so he's probably doomed. Vote for the Worst will probably have to move on to Katie Stevens next.

Casey James - Pretty boy is disqualified. Jealous Guy isn't a particularly interesting song and this performance is sleepy, but more importantly its a Lennon song and this is Lennon and McCartney night. Sorry dude, you're out. Go give Kara the lovin' she so desperately needs.

Siobhan Magnus - Across the Universe. Pipe down and bask in the awesomeness you jackholes. Truthfully I was hoping she would be the one to do I Am the Walrus. No such luck.

Lee Dewyze - Two words into Hey Jude and I want to punch him. Turrrible.

No one did I Am the Walrus, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start a riot. Clear a path!

I learned how to riot in France.

Skynet Art Party

2010-04-02T17:42:00.009-07:00

Recently, Skynet held an art party. No, not one of those lame art parties beaten married middle age couples hold where crappy paintings of boats are swapped over gripes about the kids and taxes. No, Skynet's art party resulted in actual art being created. Governor X, Blue Napkins, and Mountain King (Blue Napkin's seldom heard from opposite sex domestic partner) were in attendance and this is what they came up with. The primary theme of the evening was avocdados, but as usual, we were pretty open...

Avocado in Hell - Blue Napkins

Clearly an expression of frustration with the inability to find avocados grown in this hemisphere. Some Georgia O'Keefe influence may be present here as well. You know what I mean...

Socialist on Bike - Blue Napkins

This is most likely a scathing critique of current fuel efficiency standards mandated by the federal government. Its worth noting this work was created before President Obama announced tougher fuel economy standards.

The Green Sentinel - Governor X

An expression of teenage angst and commentary on the modern environmental movement.

Sad Domo, Spicy Tuna Roll, and the Emptiness of Death - Governor X

A sorrowful cry for the lost illusions of immortality. Also a sushi roll.

Avocado, Enough of This! - Mountain King

A chilling vision of the not so distant future. Note the contempt the starship holds for the moon, stars, and avocado. Truly disturbing.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 1 Winner

2010-03-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

The votes are in, and with a total of 30 first place points, the winner is Riley with his scathing anti-David Cook haiku. . Congrats. Have a cookie. Seriously though, well done Riley and keep those submissions rolling in!

David Cook can’t sing.

He murdered “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”.

This man kills good songs.

American Idol Update: Week 6 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

2010-03-30T20:00:00.005-07:00

Frida Kahlo...you dirty girl. Painting yourself nude for your philandering husband. Pallin' around with Trotsky. Portrayed seductively by Salma Hayak in Julie Taymor's tedious 2002 biopic Frida. Suffering with brutal pain but persevering to create some of the most beautiful works of Latin American art. Well done.

Top 10 for Idol. As you know, we're all Siobhan all the time. Team Siobhan? Oh yes. Its soul night. Fail in advance.

Tonight's featured work has a name long enough to be a Fall Out Boy song. Fortunately for you, unlike Fall Out Boy, this doesn't suck though. I proudly present to you The Love Embrace of the Universe, the Earth (Mexico), Diego, Me, and Senor Xolotl (1949).

Siobhan Magnus - Sweet. My girl is kicking things off tonight so when I quit paying attention later it won't matter. She's singing Chaka Khan. I have no idea what this song is, but I don't like it. This night is going to blow. The judges were not impressed.

Casey James - White boy soul makes me want to stick my head in the oven. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

Michael Lynche - If there is any category this Barry White wannabe should nail, its this one. No such luck. This is brutal. I give this until 9ish.

Didi Benami - That's it. I'm done. I'll give you one last tidbit about Kahlo before I call it a night though...

After researching this Kahlo/Trotsky thing a bit more for you and I'm pleased to report they had a brief affair. More importantly, Kahlo and her husband were devoted communists who helped Trotsky get set up in Mexico after Stalin ran him out of town. In 1937 she completed a work titled Self Portrait Dedicated to Leon Trotsky.

Four Inhabitants of Mexico (1938)

The American Idol Haiku Project

2010-03-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm pleased to be able to announce Skynet: California's latest endeavor, The American Idol Haiku Project.

The concept is simple. Skynet readers like our haiku and our Idol coverage, but our writers are all exceptionally lazy. Why not outsource some of the writing?

Each week, the students in Finski's English class at Servite High School in Anaheim will submit haiku they've written about American Idol. The Skynet staff will then select the best submission each week to publish on the blog (since Finski knows who the writers are, he will recuse himself). The lucky writers will be filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment and will have an extra line to pad their resume with when searching for that first soul crushing job after college.

It's American Idol, it's haiku, it's outsourcing child labor - it's full of win!

How to Survive a Teabagger Attack

2010-03-26T16:07:00.010-07:00

As tensions mount and the right wing continues to not get its way, the amount of violent outbursts have increased tenfold. It is important for all Obama supporters to take safety measures to avoid being the victim of these potential terrorists and their fear driven tirade.

Avoid them. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's amazing how many dipshits go waltzing into Wal-mart wearing a Che Geuvara shirt, and then act surprised that the rubes hanging around the guns and ammo section get testy. If you are not one of them, it is really best to avoid the areas they congregate until this all blows over. I recommend avoiding Wal-mart, Nascar tracks, tackle shops, gun shows and anything advertising free beer.

Camouflage. If you find yourself in a position where you absolutely must walk amongst them, it is best to blend in. Leave your patent leather Versace man-purse (don't tell me it's a damn satchel) at home. Wear your cheapest jeans or favorite sweatpants/pajama bottoms and a simple t-shirt, perhaps one with an advert for motorcycles or cigarettes. If you have time ahead to plan, try growing a beard. (This applies to ladies as well.) You may want to wear sunglasses to disguise your looks of disdain. Practice distracting phrases, in case you are cornered and forced to communicate, such as, "Hey look! Is that Sarah Palin over there?" and, "That guy told me your wife voted for Hillary." This will give you time to escape.

Just pretend you are one of the zombies.

Oh bollocks! You've been discovered! The horde has noticed your patchouli-scented deodorant and grown suspicious, perhaps even angry and violent. There are two important things you must remember when confronted with grumpy teabaggers. First, you cannot reason with them once they have made a decision. If they have decided you are the enemy, they will continue to detest you unto their last breath, so do not try to talk your way out of the situation. Second, playing dead will not work. Unlike a wild animal, who only wants you to leave their territory, angry teabaggers want to punish you for every perceived sin committed by anyone, ever. If you fall to the ground, seemingly dead, they will kick and beat you to a pulp, fueled by their extensive practice beating dead horses.

Your best option is flight. Have you ever taken a look at a group of teabaggers? There are very few athletes amongst them. Outrunning them should not be difficult. If you find yourself in a contained area (you fool!) where outright flight is impossible, try climbing a tree or short flight of stairs. Most teabaggers will get winded and give you up for lost. There is a good chance some of them will be armed. Remember, they have guns, but few of them have ever fired at anything moving, only beer cans and pictures of Nancy Pelosi. Be sure to zig-zag as you flee. Chances are they will accidentally shoot each other rather than you.

Teabaggers in the family. Ah, hell. Those are tricky. I am willing to bet that those of you with teabaggers amongst your relations, like myself, have a vast array of avoidance skills in your arsenal. Keeping your mouth shut and changing the subject can be powerful tools. If you are new to the exciting world of being related to these people, perhaps married into a family with a neo-con infestation, the same rules apply for survival. Limit contact as much as possible. Try not to get noticed at family gatherings. If things start to get a little tense, find a reason to take off early or offer to run to the store for more Kool-aid. Avoid arguments and outright confrontation unless you are ready for the battle of a lifetime.

Remember, it will all be over soon. Much like the backlash to social security, this will blow over and most likely even gain bipartisan popularity. You just need to wait it out. Sometimes children must be forced to take their medicine for their own good. Ignore the tantrum and wait for the lesson to stick.

Overweight Hedgehog: Feederism?

2010-03-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

might i ask you why
this blog is not monetized
idol makes cash flow

So today I went to the library, and they had a banner up for an Italian Food Festival. It sounded great, except it was a week ago, and I was hungry.

Here, have an overweight hedgehog.

American Idol Update: Week 5 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

2010-03-23T19:39:00.008-07:00

The hardest part of the American Idol update is picking each week's featured artist. Our last artist was Rene Magritte. Tonight I've decided to feature Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, a 5ft tall French product of inbreeding (his two grandmothers were sisters) who enjoyed absinthe and painting ladies of the night. Back to him in a minute.

I've already forgotten the count on Idol, but its no matter. Skynet has already decided Siobhan Magnus is the real winner. Blue Napkins feels she has a headless doll collection, but she can sing. No one else can. I don't think anyone else on the show has a headless doll collection either. Aaron Kelly may have a headless teenage boy collection under his house when he's 40 or so, but that's another topic for another day.

Our first work tonight is At the Moulin Rouge, oil on canvas 1892/93. Now Idol...

Tonight's generic theme is Billboard's #1's. Lame.

Wow, speaking of lame, the mentor is Miley Cyrus. Shouldn't you have some actual talent at what you do to be a mentor? Unless she's coaching the contestants to be as white trashy as possible this is going to be a disaster.

Lee Dewyze - This guy. Eesh. Lautrec facts...according to wiki, "Toulouse-Lautrec created 737 canvases, 275 watercolours, 363 prints and posters, 5,084 drawings, some ceramic and stained glass work, and an unknown number of lost works" in less than 20 years. Prolific. Too bad he isn't still alive. We could have him blogging here and he would single handedly keep the site going.

Paige Miles - Miley Cyrus sounds like she's been smoking two packs a day for 30 years. Isn't she 17? Jesus. Nice parenting there Billy Ray. Paige usually isn't that bad. She takes a lot of abuse on the internets, but not here. We never say anything negative about anyone, especially not 17 year old chain smokers with no talent like Miley Cyrus. I have to admit though, that performance was brutal.

Tim Urban - Vote for the Worst has latched on to Tim and he brought his A (F?) game tonight with Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Vote for the Worst has chosen wisely.

Aaron Kelly - Bodies under the house dude. My favorite depiction of Toulouse-Lautrec was John Leguizamo in Baz Luhrman's classic Moulin Rouge. Its required viewing for Skynet. If you haven't seen it, you have to leave.

Crystal Bowersox. Toulouse-Lautrec loved, LOVED the absinthe. Ever try it? I had a go at in last winter. It tasted like licorice and it didn't make me want to paint. Fail.

Michael Lynche - This guy started out with potential singing Maroon 5. It was funny because he's a very very heavy set fellow. He's really regressed into a series of boring slow jams. You ain't Barry White dude.

Andrew Garcia - I don't even care about this guy. If he burst into flame on stage right now he'd still be boring.

Katie Stevens - Last week a few 6 year olds totally PWNED this song at the Bridge Club's Poker Night. This version isn't awful, but it isn't great either. Ellen will probably talk about brown bananas.

Casey James - What the hell happened to Huey Lewis? He had huge hits, then vanished only to turn up again in that ghastly karaoke movie with Gwenyth Paltrow before vanishing a second time. This performance isn't bad.

Didi Benami - I don't even care about this girl. If she burst into flame on stage right now she'd still be boring.

Siobhan Magnus - They saved the best for last! Weird weird look this week, but is that at all shocking? No. Just give her the title now.

A little Toulouse-Lautrec, a lot of Idol this week. Maybe I'll give you some more info about him next week since we were a little Idol heavy this week.

HAVE ANOTHER GLASS...

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

2010-03-23T12:51:00.006-07:00

I decided to follow the Governor's lead and post fine works of art.

I was recently asked by an unseemly relative why a secular person such as myself celebrates Easter and the myriad of other supposedly "Christian" holidays. As anyone with beyond a rudimentary grasp of history knows, our modern Christian holidays are nothing more than pagan celebrations that have been painted over with the Jesus-brand brush of revisionist history. They haven't even bothered to remove the props used in days of yore. Eggs? Bunnies? They couldn't even be bothered to change the name. "Easter" is derived from the name of a fertility goddess.

I enjoy the historic aspects of tradition. Hunting eggs left by a magical bunny to symbolize fertility and sex during the Spring equinox is delightful. Claiming this all has something to do with Jesus' zombie rising from the dead is cognitive dissonance at its best. The only similarity is the idea of rebirth, being born again, which bears a vague resemblance to celebration of the rebirth of the Earth after a long, dark winter.

So I celebrate these hijacked "Christian" holidays with complete disregard for their modern meaning. Religious nutjobs have ruined enough things in this world. Screw them; I am making Easter the property of the heathens again.

Aww, those little girls are wrapping ribbons around a phallus. Adorable!

American Idol Update: Week 4

2010-03-17T21:01:00.004-07:00

They're down to the top 12, and unbeknownst to me, they're also down to one night a week. This means when I missed Idol for poker night yesterday, I wasn't just missing half the crew, but all of it. It was a refreshing break though, and thanks to the internets, I was able to pick and choose which performances I wanted to see from yesterday.

If you've been following the American Idol Update, you will probably have picked up on the fact that I want to make sweet love to crazy Siobhan down by the fire. Conveniently she's also the only one that stands out as particularly talented, so she's the only one I opted to watch. She really came through, delivering awesomeness off the charts with her interpretation of the Rolling Stones' Paint it Black, which just happens to be my favorite Stones song. Since I cheat and look for the results online after the show is broadcast back East, I can tell you she is quite safe and will return for next week.

No art lecture tonight - just enjoy this painting of an avocado.

Governor X's Kitchen: Swedish Wok Vaguely Chinese Stir Fry

2010-03-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

What's all this then? Governor X's Kitchen has returned? Oh yes, and we've bought a Swedish wok from Ikea. Clear a path!

First up in the wok was curry chicken...but it didn't turn out so well. We'll try that again later. Take two was a vaguely Chinese stir fry with fresh eggplant and bell pepper. It was superb. Here's what you'll need, in addition to the wok obviously. Those are $5.99 at Ikea, so you don't have an excuse anymore. Go buy one, then grab these ingredients:

3 oz steak
1 green bell pepper
3/4 cup eggplant (approximate)
1 large garlic clove
1 cup Trader Joe's stir fry vegetables
salt
3 tablespoons organic soy sauce (approximate)
1 tablespoon olive oil

Here's what you do with them...

1) Trim the fat off your steak and then cut it into bite size pieces. Sprinkle with a dash of salt and around one tablespoon of soy sauce. Set this aside.
2) Cut up the eggplant and bell pepper into bite size pieces. Prepare one cup of the stir fry mixed veg.
3) Finely chop the clove of garlic.
4) Heat a tablespoon of olive oil in the wok and add the garlic. Saute the garlic until you get the aroma.
5) Add the steak and cook until both sides of the meat are no longer red.
6) Add the eggplant, bell pepper, and mixed vegetables. Add around 2 tablespoons of soy sauce to the wok.
7) Let the mixture cook, stirring occasionally until the eggplant is thoroughly cooked (8 minutes maybe?). You don't want raw eggplant, but conveniently enough when its cooked, the rest of the vegetables and meat will be ready too.
8) Plate & serve. You can obviously serve with rice, soup, or any other side that you chose to. I opted to just eat the stir fry.

New to Governor X's Kitchen - nutrition facts! Yeah, if you're on a low sodium diet, you should probably just move along...and never think about using soy sauce again.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 2 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

2010-03-10T20:55:00.006-08:00

Welcome back. No intro tonight, I'm too tired. Lets jump right into the art and Idol.

Tonight's featured Magritte work is La Durée Poignardée, oil on canvas 1938. This clearly represents a train coming out of a fireplace. Probably something about sex too. This work is frequently called Time Transfixed, but Magritte hated that. The title literally translates to Ongoing Time Stabbed by a Dagger. Now that's a name. The guys are positively horrid this year, so that sex train is the highlight of the night.

Lee Dewyze - Negative comments are allowed tonight. First up, think of Scott Stapp doing a Death Cab song and you might be close to this abomination. After you think of that, run to the bathroom so you don't throw up on the sofa.

Alex Lambert - Awful performance of an awful song. Ellen loves it, so she called him a mushy banana. This is the third week in a row she's gone off on a banana tangent. If I didn't know she was gay, I'd think there was something dirty afoot.

Tim Urban - Hallelujah! The song that is. The man who wrote the song, Leonard Cohen, has asked for a moratorium on the song because its so overdone now. I agree. k. d. lang's performance at the Vancouver opening ceremony should have been the last one.

Andrew Garcia - A fat guy singing Genie in a Bottle would be funny on karaoke night. Its just fucking sad on national TV. Go away!

Casey James - Magritte's explanation of La Durée Poignardée: "I decided to paint the image of a locomotive . . . In order for its mystery to be evoked, another immediately familiar image without mystery — the image of a dining room fireplace — was joined."

Aaron Kelly - Yay mute button!

Todrick Hall - How is this guy still around? I think he's nailed down the West Hollywood vote. Tonight he abuses a perfectly innocent Queen song. You aren't Freddie Mercury, so don't even try. RIP Freddie.

Michael Lynche - I don't have enough wine to make this tolerable, so back to the mute button. Its a shame too. This is the one guy with any potential at all. Fail.

Well, I liked telling you some more about Rene Magritte. We'll move on to a new artist next week. I'm thinking David Hockney, but that could change. Remember to hand in your papers by noon on Monday.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 1 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

2010-03-09T19:53:00.006-08:00

If its Tuesday, its time for Introduction to Modern Art 205 with Professor Governor X! Its also time for a crummy karaoke contest. The art is far more interesting. I don't know if its the guys or girls leading off this week and frankly I don't care. We lost four more last week, and only one was even a marginal loss. Good riddance to Haeley Vaughn in particular.

Today's feature piece is Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte's creepy ass Les Amants, oil on canvas 1928. I'm not yet practiced enough in lecturing about art to tell you what this is supposed to represent, but I find it both eerie and oddly beautiful.

Looks like the ladies are kicking things off this week. Yay?

Katie Stevens - Sweet...no more mind numbing introductions about how they like to color or molest the family pet before the show. I think I will go with the no comments but good comments theme again. In other words, no comment on her version of Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway.

Siobhan Magnus - The only contestant I truly like is on early this week with House of the Rising Sun. Honestly, if I wasn't writing this update, I'd just turn Idol off now since it will be all downhill from here.

Lacey Brown - That was off key and weird, but I kind of liked it. I'm shocked.

Katelyn Epperly - The Magritte Museum opened in Brussels in 2009. Sadly, this was two years after I visited Brussels. I'd rather not go back to that city. The streets aren't marked and the Belgians are assholes.

Didi Benami - Something else about Brussels...no one knows where anything is. I stayed in a hotel not far from the European Parliament (official Skynet business), and no one had any clue where the parliament building was. Its only one of the most important political entities in the world, who cares where its housed? Pass the moule frites mon ami!

Paige Miles - Did you know? Magritte's L'Empire des Lumières (pictured here - oil on canvas, 1953-1954) inspired the poster for The Exorcist.

Crystal Bowersox - Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Lily Scott - Awesome, the 2-hour Idol death marches have ended! We're down to a tight hour tonight. That's the best news I've heard since Kris Allen told me his CD's stay in his boring ass Ford forever. Actually, I'll be so bold as to say this is better news than that. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not interested in whether or not Kris Allen fumbles around with CD's in his car.

Idol is over. Vote for Siobhan. I hope you learned something about Rene Magritte tonight even though I didn't give you much information. Hopefully his art will grab your interest and you'll do some research on your own. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 2)

2010-03-03T19:54:00.005-08:00

There's no way to get around it...the guys were an abomination last night. Every single one of them was a complete disaster from beginning to end. The good news for the ladies is that they can't possibly be worse - I hope.

More Idol means more Roy Lichtenstein. I'm going to culture you bastards yet. I feel this work is appropriate since the guys stunk up the joint last night.

Crystal Bowersox - Her visit to the hospital to have her kidney harvested for the Beijing market yesterday caused the girls to be bumped to tonight. She's very earthy, and not in an attractive way like some hippie chicks are. She looks like a man hating bra burner to me.

Haeley Vaughn - BTW, that's not a typo. That insipid "e" is part of her name. What the hell is wrong with parents these days? "Oh, I'll give my kid a normal name, but spell it weird - this is my son Raughburt." F YOU. I hope these kids put their parents in a bad home.

Lacey Brown - If you're wondering about how the music is tonight, I'll say something about it as soon as there is something positive to say. The Danish really aren't enjoying all this negativity lately. In the meantime, I've been downloading more pop art for the coming weeks. More Lichtenstein, some Hockney, Rauschenberg, and even though its overdone, mayhaps some Warhol. Could the American Idol Update morph into a modern art class? Its possible. Remember, Skynet: California used to be a political blog.

Katie Stevens - Is anyone else digging the Swedish pop music in the Radio Shack commercials? I love it. I downloaded one of the ringtones from their facebook page.

Didi Benami - Why are dining tables so expensive? I recently moved and now I need a dining table - you know, four legs and a flat board. Good luck finding one under $300. And if you want chairs? Oh, those are extra. Really, who wants a table and chairs? You aren't fooling anyone furniture companies. I will make my own table before I pay those outrageous prices.

Michelle Delamor - Yay, I can talk about the music! This gal's version of With Arms Wide Open isn't too awful. That's how low the bar is now. Anything that doesn't make me want to puke is OK.

Lilly Scott - Blue Napkins just said this girl looks like an ugly version of Kelly Osbourne. Yes.

Katelyn Epperly - If this was 1985, she'd be cute, but its not so she isn't. Yeah, there are a lot of comments on looks tonight. The feminist hoards are just going to have to deal with it. She's singing the one Coldplay song I like, The Scientist. The video for the song is awesome. Its the aftermath of a car accident in reverse.

Paige Miles - Uh oh. Two tolerable performances in a row. This is close to being good. Too pitchy in parts as the Dawg would say though. Still, probably the best of the night so far.

Siobhan Magnus - I liked her performance last week a lot and she just revealed she had a mohawk a few years ago. She is singing well enough again, but skinny white girls from Boston shouldn't be singing Aretha Franklin. Still, she's impressive and I think she'll be around awhile.

Thank you ladies. After a pretty rough start, you really closed strong and renewed my faith in televised karaoke competitions.

American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 1)

2010-03-02T19:59:00.003-08:00

Another Tuesday evening down the drain...this is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California's American Idol update. Ladies are bumped because one of them is in the hospital (probably having her organs harvested), so the guys get to destroy perfectly good songs first this week.

Enjoy this Roy Lichtenstein work, The Melody Haunts My Reverie oil on canvas from 1965 --->

It is likely the last thing you'll enjoy tonight.

Michael Lynche - Fat Guy kicks it off this week with a preposterous slow jam version of James Brown's This is a Man's World. Its a little early to say this makes me want to stick cotton balls in my ears, so I will hold off. Oh god, he's still singing - can I say it now?

John Park - His first language is Korean. Perhaps he should sing in Korean. How do you say "that was a little pitchy in parts dawg" in Korean? The train horn I hear in the distance sounds better than this.

Casey James - He's doing a Gavin Degraw song that has been done previously by Bo Bice and Elliot Yamin (Channel 4's special Chilean earthquake correspondent). I don't know who Gavin Degraw is, but this song is fucking ghastly.

Alex Lambert - Mullet kid is wearing a plaid jacket, discussing puking with Ryan, and singing John Legend this week. I'm going to pretend this isn't happening and just think about something more exciting like sitting on hold with the car insurance company or doing laundry.

Toddrick Hall - For the 2nd week in a row, he's singing a song by a female artist. I give him props for having the balls to do that, but he just isn't that good. He's doing Tina Turner this week, and I for one would have preferred to hear Private Dancer.

Jermaine Sellers - The intros have really got to stop. This guy revealed he wears a onesie and steams his voice before each performance. Steaming his voice isn't going to make this snoozy version of What's Going On any better though.

Andrew Garcia - I'm really starting to space out here. Did you know the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth's axis and shortened the length of the day by 1.26 microseconds? That's not a lot but it amazes me none the less.

Aaron Kelly - Each singer is worse than the last now... This copy of Season 10 of Dallas is beckoning. At the end of season 9, Pam had just found Bobby in the shower. Apparently his death and that stupid Angelica Nero plotline were just a dream! I forget what was happening in season 8, so I expect to be lost.

Tim Urban - Only one more after this. Nights like these could make the Pope lose his faith.

Lee Dewyze - Regular high school was too much for him. Why isn't this dude changing the oil in my car? He will be soon enough after that.

Well, that may be the worst episode of Idol ever. Even at its lowest point there has been something to salvage the show. Paula's drunken ramblings would have really hit the spot tonight, but no, we have Ellen and her so-called "comedy". The women should probably step it up tomorrow. Frankly, nails on a chalkboard would sound better than the guys did tonight, so it shouldn't be hard to top this.

Sparklecados: Day 1

2010-02-25T22:08:00.005-08:00

As you no doubt are aware, Twilight vampires sparkle in sunlight and avocados can grow in cups. This leads to the inevitable question: Will avocados sparkle if they are grown in holographic Twilight cups?

There is only one way to find out. After enjoying some tasty guacamole yesterday evening, I cleaned the pits and let them dry overnight. Today I filled the cups with water, stuck the pits with toothpicks, and the sparklecados are off on their fantastic journey.

Ingredients in this experiment:

(2) pits from organic avocados grown in Mexico

(2) holographic Twilight cups given to me by Blue Napkins

(8) toothpicks

tap water

I will keep you updated as progress warrants. I have no idea how long this will take or if they will grow considering the limited amount of sunlight I have here (perfect for vampires btw).

Day 1: Wow...this is dumb.

American Idol Update: Week 1 (Part 2)

2010-02-24T19:55:00.005-08:00

Didn't we just do this? Yes and no. Yes, we just did a ridiculously long Idol rundown, but that was the girls and this is the guys, so its technically different. This is going to be a real sausagefest tonight - just a hunch. I'm also going to guess most of them are going to suck. Here we go...

Or not...cable company fail. Instead of a suspiciously sharply dressed Ryan Seacrest, I'm seeing color bars. Test patterns are not hot. Anyway, now its on.

Todrick Hall - The little back stories are more boring than church. This guy sang in the shower. Imagine that! He's doing a jazzy version of Since You Been Gone, by my girl Kelly Clarkson. I'll give him credit for trying something different, but I really don't like this. Is Simon wearing mascara? Guyliner is one thing, mascara is a very different kettle of fish.

Aaron Kelly - If you are 16 and your voice hasn't changed yet, get off the stage. He's signing a country break-up song too. I'm going to run the vacuum until he's finished to drown out this noise. Randy just said it was pitchy in parts. LULZ.

Jermaine Sellers - He does an OK Neyo impression, but we already have Neyo, so what does he bring to the table? Nada. Aren't these songs supposed to be popular? I have no idea what this is other than awful.

Tim Urban - I guess he was cut and then called back. I wasn't paying attention. Hey! A song I know...Apologize by One Republic. OK, I see why he was cut. The call back is confusing. He's kind of attempting an impersonation of Bono's falsetto from Lemon and falling flat on his face. Turrrible as Sir Charles would say.

Joe Munoz - This kid gives of a vague Fez vibe. He loses points there. This scarf is shiny. Points off. He's ruining a perfectly good song with his own twisted take. Points off. F- for Fez.

Tyler Grady - He's trying really hard to look like he's one of the original members of Led Zeppelin. The song? American Woman. Vomit. One show and this kid's schtick is already tired. Kara actually used the word schtick too! That made her hotter.

Lee Dewyze - I really don't like that these people can bring instruments now. Live or die on your vocals. This guy sounds like a drunk John Mayer. That isn't a compliment.

John Park - Sulu. LOL. God Bless the Child. LOL. Vote for this guy.

Michael Lynche - Hahaha! A guy built like Warren Sapp singing Maroon 5! You can vote for this guy too. I'll allow it. Vote early and often.

Alex Lambert - No, not Adam Lambert, Alex Lambert. He's 19, still in high school and rocks a mullet. FAIL.

Casey James - Kara is really horny for this guy. Literally. She told him to take his shirt off during the audition. He should probably just be her boy toy because he isn't going to make it as a singer.

Andrew Garcia - This guy sings OK, but again, enough with the fucking guitar already. I don't want to hear acoustic versions of Screamo songs.

Shockingly, the guys weren't as awful as the girls. I wouldn't go so far as to call any of them particularly good, but it wasn't as cringe inducing. Who was the best? Probably Michael Lynche. He was also hilarious because he's a big fat guy singing mindless pop. The worst? Even though he wasn't the worst today, John Park has the potential to be over the top awful every week.

Results tomorrow...I won't watch. We're back next week. This is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California.

American Idol Update: Week 1 (Part 1)

2010-02-23T19:57:00.006-08:00

Its finally here! Real Idol started tonight with the top 12 girls. This is going to be a trainwreck, so buckle in and say your prayers. Check it out dog, I'm guessing this is going to be a little pitchy in parts. The girls are doing songs from the Billboard charts. I think that can encompass damn near anything. Here's the play by play:

Paige Miles - A dull and lifeless version of a 70s song I've heard 500 times but can't name. Naturally Simon loves it. This all sounds pathetically familiar. Lets get this party started!

Ashley Rodriguez - She's pretty attractive, but this song sounds like two giraffes fucking. I'm going to guess she isn't winning the competition.

Janell Wheeler - This bimbo has country star written all over her. Too bad she's trying to be a rock star where actual talent is required. Also, can we just have a moratorium on Heart songs please? You aren't Ann Wilson, so sit down and shut the fuck up.

Lily Scott - A 20 year old who looks like a 45 year old cocktail waitress...this is going to be something. I'm not sure what though. Apparently she's fixing a hole. Whatever. She should fix her mouth hole - as in STFU.

Katelyn Epperly - Chick with bad perm sings doo-wop. Pardon me while I hang myself in the toilet.

Haeley "Gokey" Vaughn - This years "WTF?" artist. The judges cum in their pants when she sings, I cringe and vomit. This "performance" of I Want to Hold Your Hand was just brutal...at least Simon hated it.

Lacey Brown - Landslide. NEXT...

commercial - LULZ...There was an ad for a movie with Pierce Brosnan and Robert Pattinson. You can find more testosterone in a Lane Bryant the day after Thanksgiving.

Michelle Delamor - A boring version of Fallin by Alicia Keys. It really brought nothing to the table, but that puts it head and shoulders above everything else we've heard tonight.

Didi Benami - I have no idea what this is supposed to be. I don't like it though. I'm currently discussing Kara Dioguardi's looks with elusive Skynet blogger Blue Napkins. I think she looks pretty sharp tonight, she doesn't. That's just more of the hard hitting journalism you've come to expect from Skynet.

Siobhan Magnus - She's a glassblowing apprentice. I wanted to say that isn't the only thing she blows, but she did a good job on Wicked Game. Pretty hot too - she can blow me any time. I knew there was a "blow" comment there somewhere.

Crystal Bowersox - She's a single mum with half dreads. She also has a harmonica. One hand in her pocket. No sir, I don't like it.

Katie Stevens - I can't handle teenagers singing Vegas lounge music. In fact, I was among the first to speak out against it.

So there you have it...Week 1, Night 1, Teh Girls. Most were awful. If you're voting for the best, first, stop being a fag, and second, vote for Siobhan Magnus. If you're voting for the worst, Haeley is the obvious choice, but she'll stick around anyway, so vote for Lacey Brown instead.

Guys top 12 tomorrow. Can they actually be worse? Tune in to find out!

The Wolfman Bites

2010-02-16T19:16:00.008-08:00

::: Benicio growls at a sucky script! :::

I admit that headline & the follow up are not fresh or creative, but neither is this film. This abysmal attempt to revive the classic, hairy movie monster falls flat. Trust me, this movie sucks. Shame on Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, & the money men behind this big budget waste. Stand in a corner, you bastards! I wish I could tell you faithful readers of Skynet that this film had some merit, but it was just so bad I'd be lying to you otherwise.

Do not see this film.

What pains me most in advising you of this involves the same sad reluctance I had when I ripped into Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds a few months ago (remember?). I care not a whit about public adoration of a film, as I rarely agree with what is popular anyway. I realize Inglorious Basterds will net Quentin some Oscar gold soon enough. That film, for all its faults, was superbly cast and well acted, especially in the performance of that film’s Nazi bad guy, Col. Handa (Oscar-nominated Christoph Waltz). But even that did not save the film from being poor in my estimation. Buzz is for bees, not quality cinema, and while it may sell tickets on opening weekend, it does not equal quality after the fact. Both of these films, in my advised opinion, fell far short of where I hoped and prayed they would land after launching.

The only horror genre which I value more than lycanthrope movies is undead flicks. This makes George Romero my hero for his zombie films. This also makes both Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead), as well as Zach Snyder (Dawn of the Dead 2004), default studs of the realm. These guys knew how to remake greatness. They envisioned it through a proper lens, and they did the homage thing to a point, but they did not mess with the concept, story, or essence of the ideal. They nourished the fanbase but also gave them something new. Ditto Danny Boyle and Alex Garland for their 28 Days/Weeks Later efforts. It is not easy to impress me when it comes to flesh-eaters, but these cats reached the summit of blood splatter, gore, and evisceration. HUZZAH!

So back to my pan-comparison of Tarantino’s Basterds and Johnston’s Wolfman … in both of these films, I saw potential greatness of production value and prior excellence by the director and production team. I saw respected actors. I imagined great plots worthy of reset in a modern context. Nazis and werewolves are both great antagonists, and with lycanthropes, there is even more to be done than with anti-semitic Teutons. Nazis choose to be evil and murderous. Wolfmen like Lon Chaney, Jr (The Wolf Man 1941) and David Naughton (American Werewolf in London 1981) become hapless victims of the evil curse of Magyarian deviltry. Would that a mere wolf bite justified Adolf’s twisted mindset. I can feel for a wolfman, but I cannot feel for a nazi. Anyway, enough about that paper-hanging jackass and his boot-shined cronies …

In The Wolfman (title role of Lawrence Talbot-Wolfman by Benicio Del Toro, tri-produced by him as well, and directed by Joe Johnston with Andrew Kevin Walker on the scribe), a bloody mess is made and lasts 102 minutes. These men took the weighty tale of the Talbot family, and its associated horror, ancient curses, and 19th Century Victorian fears … and somehow bungled it with plenty of money and ample resources. This is a bigger choke than any in recent film memory. If this were golf, it would be a mulligan. Thereby, The Wolfman absolutely shanks the Titleist into the deep, dark, Victorian woods.

OK . . . golf metaphor over…

::: Lon Chaney, Jr. in the original 1941 The Wolf Man :::

I was impressed enough at the pedigree of the production team to hope for better treatment of the clawed terror. Del Toro has long had that smoldering quality in his performances that he looked ready to play brooding and tormented this time out. Johnston directed kiddie fare like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Jumanji, so he initially seemed unprepared for the required adult-content presentation here. Yet, that is no excuse. George Waggner lacked the chops, too, but he scored big his first time out. Who the hell was that guy, you may ask? I’ll tell you. George Waggner directed Lon Chaney, Jr. to world fame as the hairy one in 1941’s classic The Wolf Man. Waggner had previously worked as a studio western director, and later in similar, albeit loftier work, with John Wayne. Years later he did thriller episodic TV and some God-awful 60s nonsense with Buddy Ebsen. But this STILL did not stop the guy from making a first rate wolfman movie when he got the chance. He was a professional, and when handed a great story, he delivered the required product. The man become beast is sympathetic. In that original, you cared about Talbot, an innocent shmoe who meets the wrong wolf at the worst possible time. He dreads his fate, and the world watched that man be destroyed despite not wanting to harm the innocent.

Keep in mind as well, that the wolfman concept was an original script – no novel existed to base the story to literature. Dracula and Frankenstein came from literary circles, but this story was legend, and it netted movie gold. A pro director puts aside his ego, or he should, to make a great film via a great story. My point here is that you have no excuse in today’s mondo movie budget world to screw up a story this basic. It’s not like some silly new movie concept designed to trick the audience. Everybody knows this story already. That is why Shakespeare was so cool. The audience knew his ending already, so he just told the story well. In the audience, you get to see how the tragic figure melts down. That is the catharsis. We die a bit as the ordinary guy effs it all up, just like we so often do.

So what do these jackasses do? They put Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, and Hugo Weaving into a vehicle as bitchen and high-speed as a Porsche, a Jaguar, a Lamborghini … and off the assembly line comes a pink & chartreuse jalopy with no brakes and a busted transmission. They give us a Kia! If I were the borderline psychotic type, this movie would set me on a spree to target the filmmakers.

It is beyond ludicrous to see a great franchise bludgeoned into unrecognizable roadkill as they did this time. And frankly, it pisses me off. The $11 I forked over annoys me to a certain extent, but the movie ITSELF plain PISSES me off. That is far worse. It will be rented, checked out on Netflix, and even . . . perish the thought . . . purchased at Wal-Mart. Judas priest!

Do not see this film.

I am going to say three nice things about this one before I forget. Here they are: great cinematography by Shelly Johnson (he is a guy, btw) amazing set decoration by John Bush (Topsy-Turvy, The End of the Affair, plus Emma for TV in 1996), and quality production design by Rick Heinrichs (Pirates of the Caribbean, Pts 2 and 3, and the Lemony Snicket movie). This last one is for my girlfriend. She acts and directs plays, plus she is also a first rate set designer, too. She remarked that this film had that going for it, but she likewise hated this movie. So take those plaudits for what they are worth, because they are not worth much. The proverbial stopped clock is correct twice daily, and while great cinematography and design are lovely to gaze upon, I pay for stories, and stories are driven by great scripts and acted by committed performers.

::: The Wolfman's cast attends the script's funeral ::: -->

So, the primary blame therefore goes to the writers. The supposed-script in question here was penned primarily by Walker, who earlier flashed actual talent with Sleepy Hollow and Se7en. I liked those movies very much, not for superb scripts per se, but for scripts which matched their genre and actors who respected the content. Those films were not a tour-de-force of scriptwriting superbity, but the stories they weaved were indeed excellent, and together with excellent lighting and cinematography, Walker’s writing crafted a good story with fine actors. Notice I left the acting until last – well, so did Del Toro and Hopkins. Benicio had money in this, so he could be seen trying to act out this doggy script, but nowhere did Hopkins show up, not even for a second. He acted like he just woke up, could not wait for lunch, or just ate too big of one, and was glad for the payday, which better have been sizeable for him to lower his rep after this buswreck. A second writer was credited as well, named David Self. He worked on Road to Perdition, which I loved also. I could browbeat his dumbass to boot, but my knuckles are plenty bloody from beating hell out Walker, and he should know better all by himself. If Walker crows about this movie in anyway, I swear I will wish him into the cornfield until I die.

Like my earlier panning of Inglorious Basterds, I will not cite dialogue or specific examples here. Neither Walker nor Self deserve enough credit to see me type their dreck anywhere. If there were worthy examples of creativity in this effort, I would gladly share. Sadly, only a few throwaway lines were present, and every one of those lines was spoken by a supporting actor, if not a one-line extra. Only Hugo Weaving held his own, in the thankless role of the Scotland Yard detective on the case. He plays Abberline, the cop who sought Jack the Ripper, and who now hopes to catch the hirsute beastie tearing Blackmoor’s residents into bloody portions on the marshy property of the Talbot clan. Weaving brings some whimsy to a scene in the local tavern, and in one or two other brief exchanges, but that is all.

Do not see this film.

Here is when I knew this movie blew – within fifteen minutes, not one scene involved more than a single, spoken, uncut exchange of longer than 15 seconds. The same applied at the half hour mark, and the same for 45 minutes. It was just after this point that Hopkins and Del Toro actually ACTED in an uncut take for all of . . . 40 some odd seconds. I nearly dropped my Aquafina. Two acting Oscars for these two fine actors and the writer and director cannot give the audience a prolonged scene between them that allows the audience to chew on the themes and characters (yes, that pun was intended). That alone was inexcuseable. But by film’s end, the entire film had MAYBE three such scenes. It was like Michael Bay directed while being possessed by a ferret who just downed a double espresso. I have seen longer attention spans on toddlers. Quick cuts and piecemeal scenes like that are typical of a script with no substance. If the subject matter is action-based or adult content, no one expects more than that, but this is supposed to be a horror movie about characters, and the cast demands development. Yet . . . nothing!

When I look back at that original 1941 film, I smile wistfully. I recall that for Chaney to define himself beyond his father’s rep in that film was to rebuild a flagging career, and he did so. Before that film, Chaney was a character actor. After that, he was a star. I realize the average person is not that into the film perhaps, so I write that for you to know. Chaney’s dad, Lon Chaney Sr., was a bigger star in his day than ten Brad Pitt’s today. So for Lon Jr. to find his star vehicle that late in his career, it is a great story, and apt when you consider the character he brought to life in Talbot’s cursed man-wolf.

So today, we have Benicio Del Toro. He has no such anchor on his name, as he built a career gradually from the mid 90s out of smaller films and gradually made the mega-millions as his stock rose. He earned more in his life before 30 than Chaney did his entire life, and that is in adjusted dollars. But now, his career is clearly on the ebb. The last thing he did worth a damn was Traffic and that was ten years ago. In Hollywood terms, and that is like dog years, Benicio has not actually had a hit since … well, since Lon Chaney’s kid put on spirit gum and a crap load of doghair and growled. So pardon me if I have no mercy on Benicio. He has talent, but he is pissing it away in efforts like this. He produced this movie, so why did he not demand a better script? Where are his artistic gonads to allow this film to be screened in this insipid form? It is really disgusting . . .

So stop ruining my horror icons, Hollywood. And as for Johnston and Walker . . . and you, too, Benicio … suck it, boyos.

And don’t EVER come near my zombies or this will come to blows.

Finski

Olympics

2010-02-12T16:09:00.004-08:00

Its time for the Olympics. Yay?

Sure, why not. After all its the Winter Olympics, which are about 500 times more interesting than the Summer Olympics. Admittedly, I don't like the winter, snow, or any of these sports, but I find them more entertaining than swimming and running. Skiing seems mildly interesting and you get the odd spectacle of sports like luge and curling.

This year the games are in Vancouver, which is famous for lenient marijuana laws and gloom. Its also now famous for not having any snow for the games. They've had to truck it in.

Stephen Colbert has taken an obsessive interest in the Olympics this year too. He's sponsoring the speed skating team and has been dubbed a member of the broadcast team by moron and head of NBC Sports Dick Ebersol. He'll be hosting his show from Vancouver this week.

What should a viewer look for? Hell if I know. The mildly hot chick seems like she's not going to do much on skis and in spite of NBC's wall to wall advertising, no one cares about Apollo Ohno. If you're one of the five people who care about hockey, I guess you can watch that and if you like energy drinks and jacked up trucks, then I'm sure you're already following Shaun White's career adamantly.

Johnny Weir is a lock to win the Gold Medal in fabulousness.

American Idol Update: Hollywood Week

2010-02-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

The auditions are over and American Idol 2010 is ready to begin...except its not. Its Hollywood Week, where they cull the herd even further before the competition actually starts. Additionally, they debuted Ellen as a judge. She's tolerable when she isn't attempting her "comedy" but I have a feeling as this crummy crop of contestants begin to make the show drag, she'll be forced to try out more and more schtick to help salvage the show.

The contestants so far do not look promising. The only particularly good performance tonight was a fat guy playing Paula Abdul's Straight Up on acoustic guitar. The notion was cringe worthy, but it was pretty good. Most of the show was just contestant after contestant trying way too hard to win the weekly karaoke contest down at B. J. O'Taints.

I can already tell who this year's Gokey is going to be. For those of you who aren't familiar with the reference, Gokey was the turd sandwich that inexplicably garnered nothing but praise from the judges last year. There's one every year. This time, its going to be this 16 year old girl who sings dreadful modern country in the wrong key. I think her name was Haley. She's turrrrible.

Skynet out!

Just to make you feel old

2010-02-06T14:26:00.001-08:00

Axl Rose is 48 today.

The Super Bowl is going to suck

2010-02-05T16:53:00.004-08:00

Last year, for the first time in my life, the Super Bowl had meaning. I've suffered with the Cardinals for years and it finally paid off last season when the almost won the game. It was a rough day on me. Every play made my heart skip a beat and I ultimately ended up angry and depressed for about a week after the game. I'm sure its better if you win.

This year, I'm back to not really caring about the outcome of the game. I can't just sit back and enjoy it though because I really don't want either one of these teams to win.

Indianapolis Colts

First, f the Colts. They had a chance to shut the bitter old farts of the 72 Dolphins up once and for all, but they decided to quit. They will never be forgiven for that. In addition to that, I've loathed this team for years. I don't know why. Even that stupid horseshoe on the helmet bugs me. I can't root for these assholes.

New Orleans Saints

I kind of resent the fact that I'm expected to root for this team because New Orleans was hit by a hurricane five years ago. A Super Bowl trophy isn't going to rebuild the lower ninth ward or bring the thousands of people who died in that terrible storm back to life. Its just going to make a few drunks in the French Quarter happy. Also, "WHO DAT" annoys the hell out of me. I don't get why its catchy or clever and I'm tired of hearing it. No, I can't root for these people either.

The Who

The halftime show has been getting worse and worse since Janet Jackson's nipple was exposed for a nanosecond a few years ago. Organizers keep dusting off dinosaur bands to perform a greatest hits medley that won't offend Grandma Farnsworth in Fargo. This year its The Who, a band that hasn't been relevant since the Nixon administration. Next year, in an effort to play it even more safe, the halftime show will be a hologram of Frank Sinatra. No, I'm not looking forward to this.

Commercials

Commercials suck, but somehow our society has gotten so twisted that people actually look forward to Super Bowl commercials. Its gotten so bad that for the last two weeks we've been inundated with commercials trying to build up hype for Super Bowl commercials. To make things even worse this year, hillbilly and devoted Jesusfreak Tim Tebow will appear in an anti-abortion ad with his mother who thinks she knows better than her doctor. Keep in mind, CBS is airing this ad the same year they turned down a gay dating site's ad to avoid controversy - since as we all know, abortion is totally not controversial at all. No, I'm not excited about the commercials either.

So that's that. The game is going to suck, the halftime show is going to suck, and I don't care about the commercials. Lame. The Colts will win, probably pretty easily, and I will respond by farting in their general direction.

Adios Kurt

2010-01-29T14:05:00.006-08:00

Future Hall of Fame quarterback and bible aficionado Kurt Warner retired today, devastating Arizona Cardinals fans everywhere. Before we talk about the suddenly bleak future of the Cards, a quick look back at Kurt's career (the short short version).

Kurt came out of a grocery store in Iowa to resurrect the Rams, winning two MVP awards and leading the long suffering franchise to a Superbowl victory. The Rams opted to throw him away shortly thereafter to go with Mark Bulger (how'd that work out for you?), so he went to New York, where in spite of not playing poorly, somehow lost his job to the less douchey Manning, Eli.

From there, Kurt would turn to the bible and emulate his hero Moses by wandering around the desert for a few years (I think it was Moses - I don't follow hockey). Fortunately for long suffering Arizona Cardinals fans, he wandered right into University of Phoenix Stadium and took the starting job away from party boy Fatty Natty Ice Leinart. With the best receiving corps in the game, Kurt again led a historically awful franchise to the Superbowl, coming within a pact-with-the-devil good catch by Santonio Holmes of winning. Kurt led the team to another NFC West victory this year and won the most amazing playoff game ever 51-45 over the Packers before the total lack of defense caught up with them. Today he walked away from the game with 2 MVP awards (and a couple MVP worthy seasons), a Superbowl victory, and the top 3 Superbowl passing performances of all time.

Now...the Cardinals. Lets just take Leinart as the starter off the table now please. He's proven he's awful, sailing passes, throwing picks, and generally playing so poorly in mop up duty the team often had to put Warner back in. Get him out of here. Send him to Seattle before Pete Carroll realizes he sucks.

The Cardinals need to set their sights on beleaguered Philly QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb already lives in Arizona and has put up amazing numbers throughout the years without more than one quality receiver at a time. Bring him to Arizona and let him throw up MVP numbers slinging the ball to Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Breaston. Look, Philly is populated by assholes. They're never going to appreciate what McNabb has done for that city. Cardinals fans have a taste of winning now and we like it. Donovan is our best bet to continue the team's winning ways.

The Book of Eli was Good

2010-01-24T14:07:00.005-08:00

I love post-apocalyptic tales of woe and horror and Denzel Washington is always solid, so I figured The Book of Eli would be a can't miss. It didn't disappoint.

Washington plays a solitary man trekking across the wastelands of what was once the United States, hunting cats for food, and desperately searching for whatever clean water he can find. He's got some sort of a mission in mind, and you'd better stay out of his way because he carried a huge machete and knows how to wield it. He finds himself in a town ruled by a wannabe evil overlord played by Gary Oldman. For his part, Oldman is looking for a book he intends to use to control the great unwashed masses (literally unwashed, soap and shampoo did not survive the war). As you may have guessed, Denzel's drifter has the book. Inevitable showdown, blah blah blah... Its not exactly unpredictable, but its still entertaining.

I was briefly concerned the film was going to take a "Left Behind" turn. I'm happy to say it doesn't, opting instead for a "lone religious weirdo shouting from a street corner" type of turn (not exactly of course, but I don't want to ruin it for you). In the end, there are some elements that don't quite add up such as how the roads are conveniently clear of debris and apparently there's just enough fuel left for Gary Oldman to send out a multi-car search party, but The Book of Eli is a solid entry into the post-apocalyptic film collection.

Shampoo and soap didn't survive the war, but fortunately for Mila Kunis, eyeliner did.

Farewell Conan

2010-01-23T06:55:00.001-08:00

Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show aired its final episode last night. NBC can now continue to circle the drain.

Conan had been on fire since NBC told him to take a hike so Leno could bomb in his old time slot. The last two weeks when it had been clear he wasn't going to be on long have produced comedy gold. The masturbating bear had returned, the Tonight Show itself was put up for sale on eBay, and Conan sang the closing credits among other things.

What NBC actually hopes to accomplish with this move is unclear. Paying Conan $40 million to go work for someone else so you can bring a guy who washed out in primetime back at the same time you're hemorrhaging money (they stand to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics alone) doesn't seem like good business to me. Beyond that, while you'll get the five hardcore Leno fans in Fargo back, but you've probably lost an entire generation of fans loyal to Conan who will never forgive the network for their treatment of O'Brien.

Conan will land on his feet, but we won't be seeing him on air for seven months. I look forward to his new show this fall which will likely be on Fox.

Governor X's Top Movies of 2009

2010-01-15T00:00:00.001-08:00

2009 was a hit and miss year at the theater. For once I'm glad I'm not an Oscar voter because while I liked a lot of the movies that came out, I wouldn't really put any of them on par with masterpieces like No Country for Old Men or Slumdog Millionaire. That said, there were certainly enough entertaining offerings this year to cobble together a top 15:

15. Bruno
Bruno isn't nearly as funny as Borat, but it still got a few laughs out of me. Perhaps more importantly, it outraged all the right people. Check out the deleted interview with the neo-nazi leader on the DVD.

14. Jennifer's Body
I'm not sure Jennifer's Body should be on a list of good movies, since I can't really say it was good, but I enjoyed it. Just meditate on the plot for a minute: Megan Fox plays the hot girl at Devil's Kettle High School who is turned into a flesh eating succubus in a botched sacrifice attempt by Seth Cohen of The OC. I would also like to thank this movie for introducing me to the phrase "freaktarded".

13. Sin Nombre
Sin Nombre tells the story of how the lives of a Central American immigrant and an MS13 gang member intersect in Mexico. The movie's real power is in showing the heartbreaking conditions people seeking to enter the United States are subjected to. Bigots and Minute Men needn't waste their time.

12. Sherlock Holmes
This looked weird and I'm not a big fan of Robert Downey Jr. I realize he's a bit of a coke head in real life, but he doesn't always have to act coked up on the big screen. Holmes is riddled with plot holes and has a ridiculous story line, but it turned out to be a pretty enjoyable film. Look for Sherlock Holmes 2 if it does well (and maybe even if it doesn't) since they've clearly set up a sequel.

11. Rudo y Cursi
I'm a huge fan of Mexican soccer and I can easily say this is the best film about Mexican soccer I've ever seen. Its also the only one I've seen, but that isn't the point. This story about the rise and fall of two brothers is engaging and funny enough to forgive the predictable ending. All sports movies are fairly predictable though since there are only two outcomes: the hero can win or lose the big game.

10. Paranormal Activity
Paranormal Activity was what 99.9% of horror movies aren't: scary. Love it or hate it, everyone agrees that Micah is a huge douche who got what was coming to him.

9. Star Trek
I was nervous when I heard they were "rebooting" the Star Trek franchise. The original series characters have been around for 40+ years, so this had the potential to be a disaster. I'm pleased to say not only wasn't it a disaster, its a fantastic Star Trek movie. The people in charge of casting did a great job picking actors who could convey the essence of the character without doing a Shatner or Nimoy impression. Uhura has never looked better.

8. Taken
Taken is a classic revenge movie with Liam Neeson taking on the Charles Bronson role. His daughter is kidnapped in Paris and he sets out to find her and make the kidnappers pay. Man do they pay...

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine isn't the most interesting X-Men character but his origin story made for a solid installment in the series. I actually like him quite a bit more now. I really hope we see an X-Men Origins: Magneto someday.

6. Angels & Demons
Dan Brown isn't a particularly good writer. I knew exactly where The DaVinci Code was going about an hour and a half before it finally went there. He manages to redeem himself somewhat with Angels & Demons. There isn't much substance here, but like some of the other movies on this list I can't discount pure entertainment. Ewan McGregor as a priest will give Catholic girls (and some boys) impure thoughts for years to come.

5. The Road
The Road is good in that it stays mostly true to the book. Of course, that means its two of the most depressing hours you'll ever spend at the movies. Don't be surprised if Viggo Mortensen gets an Oscar nomination for his role as "The Man".

4. District 9
District 9 is one of the most unique sci-fi movies out there. The aliens have come to earth, but they're ill and their broken spaceship takes residence over Johannesburg. The South Africans take them in, but cluster them in a ghetto. Nice of them eh? The film is action packed and actually allows the viewer to form a real emotional connection with the hideous aliens nicknamed "prawns".

3. (500) Days of Summer
One of these little indie movies comes out every year and catches fire with critics and audiences. (500) Days of Summer is even better than some of the others in recent years like Juno and Little Miss Sunshine. Every man can relate to Tom who falls in love with Summer because we've all known that bitch in real life.

2. Avatar
This movie is actually depressing people because they can't be Na'vi and live on Pandora. I liked it and wouldn't mind being tall, perpetually fit, and able to commune with nature like the Na'vi, but it really is just a movie. Its also an incredible technical achievement though, which is good because there are enough clichés in here to fill the Grand Canyon. As I write this, Avatar has made $1.4 billion dollars worldwide.

1. Knowing
Knowing is the movie Nic Cage has been working toward his entire career. Cage plays Dr. John Koestler, an MIT Astrophysics professor, single dad, and atheist whose son comes into possession of a paper covered in numbers written by a crazy girl fifty years earlier and placed in a time capsule at the local elementary school. Upon closer inspection, Koestler notices the numbers correspond to a series of disasters during that fifty year time frame. It may sound a bit over the top, but the Cage man brings it home.

The whisper people are friggin creepy.

American Idol 2010...Oh Yes, Its Back

2010-01-12T20:02:00.005-08:00

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, American Idol is back and Ellen Degeneres still sucks.

First, lets get the business out of the way. As you have no doubt heard, Simon Cowell is leaving the show after this year. So, no Paula, no Simon - is it still Idol? Probably not.

They kick off as they always do, with auditions. The auditions are the worst part of the show and to get things rolling, they have crazy muffin-top girl jumping around and killing Natasha Bedingfield. Hasn't this gotten old by now? Just cut to the people with some talent.

Tonight's guest judge is Victoria Beckham. I guess they're waiting until later to unveil the suck of Ellen. David's wife is more and more bizarre looking every time I see here. Tonight she appears to be made of wax. This is known as "The Schwarzenegger".

Back to Ellen for a minute. I still don't understand what she brings to the table. She's not funny and knows nothing about music. Since they were going for someone outside of the music industry, they should have picked Sir Charles Barkley. Hearing him rip into contestants would be pure entertainment.

These auditions are just terrible. I'm about 40 minutes in right now and I don't think I can stomach much more. Its probably time for video games...

NBC is a disaster

2010-01-08T13:34:00.003-08:00

I've never found Jay Leno remotely funny, so the fact that his show has completely bombed at 10pm is no surprise to me. I do find it surprising, and disheartening, that their response seems to be returning him to the coveted 11:30pm time slot. The obvious problem with that being Conan O'Brien is already there.

Conan is great and his version of The Tonight Show has renewed my faith in late night TV that had been shaky since Letterman's show became a New York ass-kissing fest about a decade ago.

Conan has apparently been given the option of being bumped to 12pm or leaving the network entirely. Either way, they'll owe him a boatload of money because they are violating his contract. If I were him, I'd take the money and run. Don't you think Fox would love to get their hands on someone that can actually compete with the big boys of late night?

What is it with NBC and Leno? When Carson retired, they screwed Letterman out of the job they had promised him in favor of The Chin and now they're seriously considering taking the same job away from someone who already has it for that no talent hack. Sure, you'll get the hardcore Leno fans in Fargo back, but you'll lose the younger Conan demographic for good.

Count me on Team Conan.

Cold Weather Sucks

2010-01-06T17:18:00.003-08:00

I've never been a fan of cold weather and living in California has generally spared me from the worst of it. Basically, below 65 I start to get a chill and wish for warmer weather.

Recently I visited Chicago. As you may have guessed, it was a bit colder there than in good old SoCal. Temperatures generally hovered in the 15-20 range. Its a real pain in the ass because you can't just step outside. Putting on shoes and a coat every time you leave the house grows old really fast.

The coldest night was Saturday the 2nd. We visited the Sears Tower and opted to go at night to see the city lights. It was positively frigid. As you can see in this photo, it was all of five degrees Fahrenheit outside. To top it off, there was a stiff wind. Later, as we were eating, I overheard the weatherman saying wind chills were between 10 and 20 below zero.

I wasn't unprepared. I knew it was going to be near zero, so I had on two shirts, a sweater, a coat, a scarf, a beanie, gloves, two pairs of socks and insulated shoes. The part of me that was covered was warm enough with all that on, but the small exposed area on my face near my eyes was not. The cold actually hurt my skin. It wasn't just because I'm not used to it either. The Chicago peeps I was with were just as miserable.

Oh Chicago...you're an awesome city. Why must your weather suck so hard?