American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 2)

There's no way to get around it...the guys were an abomination last night. Every single one of them was a complete disaster from beginning to end. The good news for the ladies is that they can't possibly be worse - I hope.

More Idol means more Roy Lichtenstein. I'm going to culture you bastards yet. I feel this work is appropriate since the guys stunk up the joint last night.

Crystal Bowersox - Her visit to the hospital to have her kidney harvested for the Beijing market yesterday caused the girls to be bumped to tonight. She's very earthy, and not in an attractive way like some hippie chicks are. She looks like a man hating bra burner to me.

Haeley Vaughn - BTW, that's not a typo. That insipid "e" is part of her name. What the hell is wrong with parents these days? "Oh, I'll give my kid a normal name, but spell it weird - this is my son Raughburt." F YOU. I hope these kids put their parents in a bad home.

Lacey Brown - If you're wondering about how the music is tonight, I'll say something about it as soon as there is something positive to say. The Danish really aren't enjoying all this negativity lately. In the meantime, I've been downloading more pop art for the coming weeks. More Lichtenstein, some Hockney, Rauschenberg, and even though its overdone, mayhaps some Warhol. Could the American Idol Update morph into a modern art class? Its possible. Remember, Skynet: California used to be a political blog.

Katie Stevens - Is anyone else digging the Swedish pop music in the Radio Shack commercials? I love it. I downloaded one of the ringtones from their facebook page.

Didi Benami - Why are dining tables so expensive? I recently moved and now I need a dining table - you know, four legs and a flat board. Good luck finding one under $300. And if you want chairs? Oh, those are extra. Really, who wants a table and chairs? You aren't fooling anyone furniture companies. I will make my own table before I pay those outrageous prices.

Michelle Delamor - Yay, I can talk about the music! This gal's version of With Arms Wide Open isn't too awful. That's how low the bar is now. Anything that doesn't make me want to puke is OK.

Lilly Scott - Blue Napkins just said this girl looks like an ugly version of Kelly Osbourne. Yes.

Katelyn Epperly - If this was 1985, she'd be cute, but its not so she isn't. Yeah, there are a lot of comments on looks tonight. The feminist hoards are just going to have to deal with it. She's singing the one Coldplay song I like, The Scientist. The video for the song is awesome. Its the aftermath of a car accident in reverse.

Paige Miles - Uh oh. Two tolerable performances in a row. This is close to being good. Too pitchy in parts as the Dawg would say though. Still, probably the best of the night so far.

Siobhan Magnus - I liked her performance last week a lot and she just revealed she had a mohawk a few years ago. She is singing well enough again, but skinny white girls from Boston shouldn't be singing Aretha Franklin. Still, she's impressive and I think she'll be around awhile.

Thank you ladies. After a pretty rough start, you really closed strong and renewed my faith in televised karaoke competitions.

American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 1)

Another Tuesday evening down the drain...this is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California's American Idol update. Ladies are bumped because one of them is in the hospital (probably having her organs harvested), so the guys get to destroy perfectly good songs first this week.

Enjoy this Roy Lichtenstein work, The Melody Haunts My Reverie oil on canvas from 1965 --->

It is likely the last thing you'll enjoy tonight.

Michael Lynche - Fat Guy kicks it off this week with a preposterous slow jam version of James Brown's This is a Man's World. Its a little early to say this makes me want to stick cotton balls in my ears, so I will hold off. Oh god, he's still singing - can I say it now?

John Park - His first language is Korean. Perhaps he should sing in Korean. How do you say "that was a little pitchy in parts dawg" in Korean? The train horn I hear in the distance sounds better than this.

Casey James - He's doing a Gavin Degraw song that has been done previously by Bo Bice and Elliot Yamin (Channel 4's special Chilean earthquake correspondent). I don't know who Gavin Degraw is, but this song is fucking ghastly.

Alex Lambert - Mullet kid is wearing a plaid jacket, discussing puking with Ryan, and singing John Legend this week. I'm going to pretend this isn't happening and just think about something more exciting like sitting on hold with the car insurance company or doing laundry.

Toddrick Hall - For the 2nd week in a row, he's singing a song by a female artist. I give him props for having the balls to do that, but he just isn't that good. He's doing Tina Turner this week, and I for one would have preferred to hear Private Dancer.

Jermaine Sellers - The intros have really got to stop. This guy revealed he wears a onesie and steams his voice before each performance. Steaming his voice isn't going to make this snoozy version of What's Going On any better though.

Andrew Garcia - I'm really starting to space out here. Did you know the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth's axis and shortened the length of the day by 1.26 microseconds? That's not a lot but it amazes me none the less.

Aaron Kelly - Each singer is worse than the last now... This copy of Season 10 of Dallas is beckoning. At the end of season 9, Pam had just found Bobby in the shower. Apparently his death and that stupid Angelica Nero plotline were just a dream! I forget what was happening in season 8, so I expect to be lost.

Tim Urban - Only one more after this. Nights like these could make the Pope lose his faith.

Lee Dewyze - Regular high school was too much for him. Why isn't this dude changing the oil in my car? He will be soon enough after that.

Well, that may be the worst episode of Idol ever. Even at its lowest point there has been something to salvage the show. Paula's drunken ramblings would have really hit the spot tonight, but no, we have Ellen and her so-called "comedy". The women should probably step it up tomorrow. Frankly, nails on a chalkboard would sound better than the guys did tonight, so it shouldn't be hard to top this.

Sparklecados: Day 1

As you no doubt are aware, Twilight vampires sparkle in sunlight and avocados can grow in cups. This leads to the inevitable question: Will avocados sparkle if they are grown in holographic Twilight cups?

There is only one way to find out. After enjoying some tasty guacamole yesterday evening, I cleaned the pits and let them dry overnight. Today I filled the cups with water, stuck the pits with toothpicks, and the sparklecados are off on their fantastic journey.

Ingredients in this experiment:

(2) pits from organic avocados grown in Mexico

(2) holographic Twilight cups given to me by Blue Napkins

(8) toothpicks

tap water

I will keep you updated as progress warrants. I have no idea how long this will take or if they will grow considering the limited amount of sunlight I have here (perfect for vampires btw).

Day 1: Wow...this is dumb.

American Idol Update: Week 1 (Part 2)

Didn't we just do this? Yes and no. Yes, we just did a ridiculously long Idol rundown, but that was the girls and this is the guys, so its technically different. This is going to be a real sausagefest tonight - just a hunch. I'm also going to guess most of them are going to suck. Here we go...

Or not...cable company fail. Instead of a suspiciously sharply dressed Ryan Seacrest, I'm seeing color bars. Test patterns are not hot. Anyway, now its on.

Todrick Hall - The little back stories are more boring than church. This guy sang in the shower. Imagine that! He's doing a jazzy version of Since You Been Gone, by my girl Kelly Clarkson. I'll give him credit for trying something different, but I really don't like this. Is Simon wearing mascara? Guyliner is one thing, mascara is a very different kettle of fish.

Aaron Kelly - If you are 16 and your voice hasn't changed yet, get off the stage. He's signing a country break-up song too. I'm going to run the vacuum until he's finished to drown out this noise. Randy just said it was pitchy in parts. LULZ.

Jermaine Sellers - He does an OK Neyo impression, but we already have Neyo, so what does he bring to the table? Nada. Aren't these songs supposed to be popular? I have no idea what this is other than awful.

Tim Urban - I guess he was cut and then called back. I wasn't paying attention. Hey! A song I know...Apologize by One Republic. OK, I see why he was cut. The call back is confusing. He's kind of attempting an impersonation of Bono's falsetto from Lemon and falling flat on his face. Turrrible as Sir Charles would say.

Joe Munoz - This kid gives of a vague Fez vibe. He loses points there. This scarf is shiny. Points off. He's ruining a perfectly good song with his own twisted take. Points off. F- for Fez.

Tyler Grady - He's trying really hard to look like he's one of the original members of Led Zeppelin. The song? American Woman. Vomit. One show and this kid's schtick is already tired. Kara actually used the word schtick too! That made her hotter.

Lee Dewyze - I really don't like that these people can bring instruments now. Live or die on your vocals. This guy sounds like a drunk John Mayer. That isn't a compliment.

John Park - Sulu. LOL. God Bless the Child. LOL. Vote for this guy.

Michael Lynche - Hahaha! A guy built like Warren Sapp singing Maroon 5! You can vote for this guy too. I'll allow it. Vote early and often.

Alex Lambert - No, not Adam Lambert, Alex Lambert. He's 19, still in high school and rocks a mullet. FAIL.

Casey James - Kara is really horny for this guy. Literally. She told him to take his shirt off during the audition. He should probably just be her boy toy because he isn't going to make it as a singer.

Andrew Garcia - This guy sings OK, but again, enough with the fucking guitar already. I don't want to hear acoustic versions of Screamo songs.

Shockingly, the guys weren't as awful as the girls. I wouldn't go so far as to call any of them particularly good, but it wasn't as cringe inducing. Who was the best? Probably Michael Lynche. He was also hilarious because he's a big fat guy singing mindless pop. The worst? Even though he wasn't the worst today, John Park has the potential to be over the top awful every week.

Results tomorrow...I won't watch. We're back next week. This is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California.

American Idol Update: Week 1 (Part 1)

Its finally here! Real Idol started tonight with the top 12 girls. This is going to be a trainwreck, so buckle in and say your prayers. Check it out dog, I'm guessing this is going to be a little pitchy in parts. The girls are doing songs from the Billboard charts. I think that can encompass damn near anything. Here's the play by play:

Paige Miles - A dull and lifeless version of a 70s song I've heard 500 times but can't name. Naturally Simon loves it. This all sounds pathetically familiar. Lets get this party started!

Ashley Rodriguez - She's pretty attractive, but this song sounds like two giraffes fucking. I'm going to guess she isn't winning the competition.

Janell Wheeler - This bimbo has country star written all over her. Too bad she's trying to be a rock star where actual talent is required. Also, can we just have a moratorium on Heart songs please? You aren't Ann Wilson, so sit down and shut the fuck up.

Lily Scott - A 20 year old who looks like a 45 year old cocktail waitress...this is going to be something. I'm not sure what though. Apparently she's fixing a hole. Whatever. She should fix her mouth hole - as in STFU.

Katelyn Epperly - Chick with bad perm sings doo-wop. Pardon me while I hang myself in the toilet.

Haeley "Gokey" Vaughn - This years "WTF?" artist. The judges cum in their pants when she sings, I cringe and vomit. This "performance" of I Want to Hold Your Hand was just brutal...at least Simon hated it.

Lacey Brown - Landslide. NEXT...

commercial - LULZ...There was an ad for a movie with Pierce Brosnan and Robert Pattinson. You can find more testosterone in a Lane Bryant the day after Thanksgiving.

Michelle Delamor - A boring version of Fallin by Alicia Keys. It really brought nothing to the table, but that puts it head and shoulders above everything else we've heard tonight.

Didi Benami - I have no idea what this is supposed to be. I don't like it though. I'm currently discussing Kara Dioguardi's looks with elusive Skynet blogger Blue Napkins. I think she looks pretty sharp tonight, she doesn't. That's just more of the hard hitting journalism you've come to expect from Skynet.

Siobhan Magnus - She's a glassblowing apprentice. I wanted to say that isn't the only thing she blows, but she did a good job on Wicked Game. Pretty hot too - she can blow me any time. I knew there was a "blow" comment there somewhere.

Crystal Bowersox - She's a single mum with half dreads. She also has a harmonica. One hand in her pocket. No sir, I don't like it.

Katie Stevens - I can't handle teenagers singing Vegas lounge music. In fact, I was among the first to speak out against it.

So there you have it...Week 1, Night 1, Teh Girls. Most were awful. If you're voting for the best, first, stop being a fag, and second, vote for Siobhan Magnus. If you're voting for the worst, Haeley is the obvious choice, but she'll stick around anyway, so vote for Lacey Brown instead.

Guys top 12 tomorrow. Can they actually be worse? Tune in to find out!