My god Bones, what have I done...

Where have you gone Edward Furlong?

Governor X's Top Movies of 2010

While 2010 was pretty bleak music wise, it was more than solid in terms of movies. When compiling this top 10, I had to cut quite a few. Onto the list:

10. Machete
Originally conceived as a joke trailer in between the two films that made up The Grindhouse (Planet Terror was classic, Deathproof was beyond awful), Machete was expanded into a full length feature film by director Robert Rodriguez. Its hilariously over the top action, absurd plot, hamhanded political message and Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun all wrapped into one neat little package.

9. Predators
Predators is easily the best sequel in the series and the only one that can really hold a candle to the original. Don't get me wrong, I liked Alien vs Predator, but it's not going down in history as an action classic. So what's the deal here? Think original Predator, but set on another planet. Adrien Brody will cut you!

8. Harry Brown
Revenge movies and Michael Caine are awesome, so someone finally decided to combine the two. Caine plays an old man named Harry Brown oddly enough who lives in the British equivalent of the projects. When his friend is killed, Harry takes matters into his own hands.

7. Black Swan
Black Swan is a well made, well acted, and fascinating movie that isn't all that pleasant to watch. Sure, Natalie Portman's aggressive masturbation scene is alright by me, but her decent into madness so well done it leaves you feeling a bit off yourself. On a side note, Vincent Cassel has never been so perfectly cast as he is here as a sleazy European ballet troupe leader.

6. The Social Network
A movie about the founding of Facebook didn't sound all that interesting to me but it got such strong reviews I felt compelled to watch it. Its a good movie, but think it and Jesse Eisenberg's performance in particular are a little overrated.

5. Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Sooner or later, Michael Cera's schtick is going to get old. I thought we might be seeing that with Year One and Youth in Revolt. Then came Scott Pilgrim to prove me wrong. This is one of the most original movies I've seen in years. It's shot partly in the style of Nintendo video games as we follow Scott's attempt to defeat his new love interest's seven evil exes.

4. The King's Speech
I really wanted to hate this movie on principle. Before anyone saw it, it was getting Oscar buzz and it seemed like one of those movies that seemed to have no purpose for existing other than collecting gold statues. Try as I might, I couldn't hate it. In fact, I liked it. You know exactly where the story is going and some of the historical facts are handled a bit loosely, but it is an all around fine film.

3. Inception
Inception was good enough that I felt it lost something the second time around and it still made #3 on this list. Leonardo DiCaprio leads a team of people who go inside people's dreams.

2. True Grit
I'm not a huge John Wayne fan, but the original is one of his better films. Jeff Bridges manages to shake off The Dude for a couple hours to bring us a new version of Rooster Cogburn that manages to be better than the original. It isn't just Bridges either, the Coen's version of the 1969 classic is superior in nearly every way.

1. 127 Hours
I am admittedly a Danny Boyle fanboy, but his last couple of films have garnered him the professional accolades I always felt he deserved. A full 2/3rds of 127 Hours consists of a man with his arm stuck between a rock and a canyon wall. Even with that type of material, 127 Hours is never boring, never drags, and keeps you hanging on every second. It is one of the most unique and ultimately uplifting movies you will ever see.

Oooops...

Machete is a Masterpiece

Robert Rodriguez' latest work, the faux trailer turned feature film, Machete, is absurd over-the-top film making at its finest.

The shockingly 66 year old Danny Trejo plays Machete, a former Federale who lost his family to a drug lord (played corpulently by Steven Seagal)now just trying to get by in the US. He catches the eye of a sleazebag named Booth who hires him to shoot racist anti-immigrant state senator Robert DeNiro, who spends his leisure time shooting migrants with his Minuteman-like buddy Don Johnson. Where it goes from there, you'll just have to watch and see. Suffice it to say you'll eventually see Cheech Marin as a priest, Michelle Rodriguez as a guerilla leader, and Lindsay Lohan as a nun. Oh yes, a nun.

If it sounds ridiculous, it is. Its supposed to be. In the spirit of Planet Terror, Rodriguez uses an action movie to skewer every moronic action flick ever made. The result is, as I said, pure brilliance. There isn't a serious moment in the entire movie. There's a hint here and there of some social commentary about the anti-immigrant fervor that periodically grips White America might not be tongue in cheek, but when it ultimately results in someone standing on a car and yelling "We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us!" you know its all an elaborate joke.

My only worry is that not everyone will get it. The theater I was in seemed to be an equal mix of constant laughter from some of us and utter confusion from others. It would be a shame if this film is not recognized for how awesome it is.

The Book of Eli was Good

I love post-apocalyptic tales of woe and horror and Denzel Washington is always solid, so I figured The Book of Eli would be a can't miss. It didn't disappoint.

Washington plays a solitary man trekking across the wastelands of what was once the United States, hunting cats for food, and desperately searching for whatever clean water he can find. He's got some sort of a mission in mind, and you'd better stay out of his way because he carried a huge machete and knows how to wield it. He finds himself in a town ruled by a wannabe evil overlord played by Gary Oldman. For his part, Oldman is looking for a book he intends to use to control the great unwashed masses (literally unwashed, soap and shampoo did not survive the war). As you may have guessed, Denzel's drifter has the book. Inevitable showdown, blah blah blah... Its not exactly unpredictable, but its still entertaining.

I was briefly concerned the film was going to take a "Left Behind" turn. I'm happy to say it doesn't, opting instead for a "lone religious weirdo shouting from a street corner" type of turn (not exactly of course, but I don't want to ruin it for you). In the end, there are some elements that don't quite add up such as how the roads are conveniently clear of debris and apparently there's just enough fuel left for Gary Oldman to send out a multi-car search party, but The Book of Eli is a solid entry into the post-apocalyptic film collection.

Shampoo and soap didn't survive the war, but fortunately for Mila Kunis, eyeliner did.

Governor X's Top Movies of 2009

2009 was a hit and miss year at the theater. For once I'm glad I'm not an Oscar voter because while I liked a lot of the movies that came out, I wouldn't really put any of them on par with masterpieces like No Country for Old Men or Slumdog Millionaire. That said, there were certainly enough entertaining offerings this year to cobble together a top 15:


15. Bruno
Bruno isn't nearly as funny as Borat, but it still got a few laughs out of me. Perhaps more importantly, it outraged all the right people. Check out the deleted interview with the neo-nazi leader on the DVD.

14. Jennifer's Body
I'm not sure Jennifer's Body should be on a list of good movies, since I can't really say it was good, but I enjoyed it. Just meditate on the plot for a minute: Megan Fox plays the hot girl at Devil's Kettle High School who is turned into a flesh eating succubus in a botched sacrifice attempt by Seth Cohen of The OC. I would also like to thank this movie for introducing me to the phrase "freaktarded".

13. Sin Nombre
Sin Nombre tells the story of how the lives of a Central American immigrant and an MS13 gang member intersect in Mexico. The movie's real power is in showing the heartbreaking conditions people seeking to enter the United States are subjected to. Bigots and Minute Men needn't waste their time.

12. Sherlock Holmes
This looked weird and I'm not a big fan of Robert Downey Jr. I realize he's a bit of a coke head in real life, but he doesn't always have to act coked up on the big screen. Holmes is riddled with plot holes and has a ridiculous story line, but it turned out to be a pretty enjoyable film. Look for Sherlock Holmes 2 if it does well (and maybe even if it doesn't) since they've clearly set up a sequel.

11. Rudo y Cursi
I'm a huge fan of Mexican soccer and I can easily say this is the best film about Mexican soccer I've ever seen. Its also the only one I've seen, but that isn't the point. This story about the rise and fall of two brothers is engaging and funny enough to forgive the predictable ending. All sports movies are fairly predictable though since there are only two outcomes: the hero can win or lose the big game.

10. Paranormal Activity
Paranormal Activity was what 99.9% of horror movies aren't: scary. Love it or hate it, everyone agrees that Micah is a huge douche who got what was coming to him.

9. Star Trek
I was nervous when I heard they were "rebooting" the Star Trek franchise. The original series characters have been around for 40+ years, so this had the potential to be a disaster. I'm pleased to say not only wasn't it a disaster, its a fantastic Star Trek movie. The people in charge of casting did a great job picking actors who could convey the essence of the character without doing a Shatner or Nimoy impression. Uhura has never looked better.

8. Taken
Taken is a classic revenge movie with Liam Neeson taking on the Charles Bronson role. His daughter is kidnapped in Paris and he sets out to find her and make the kidnappers pay. Man do they pay...

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine isn't the most interesting X-Men character but his origin story made for a solid installment in the series. I actually like him quite a bit more now. I really hope we see an X-Men Origins: Magneto someday.

6. Angels & Demons
Dan Brown isn't a particularly good writer. I knew exactly where The DaVinci Code was going about an hour and a half before it finally went there. He manages to redeem himself somewhat with Angels & Demons. There isn't much substance here, but like some of the other movies on this list I can't discount pure entertainment. Ewan McGregor as a priest will give Catholic girls (and some boys) impure thoughts for years to come.

5. The Road
The Road is good in that it stays mostly true to the book. Of course, that means its two of the most depressing hours you'll ever spend at the movies. Don't be surprised if Viggo Mortensen gets an Oscar nomination for his role as "The Man".

4. District 9
District 9 is one of the most unique sci-fi movies out there. The aliens have come to earth, but they're ill and their broken spaceship takes residence over Johannesburg. The South Africans take them in, but cluster them in a ghetto. Nice of them eh? The film is action packed and actually allows the viewer to form a real emotional connection with the hideous aliens nicknamed "prawns".

3. (500) Days of Summer
One of these little indie movies comes out every year and catches fire with critics and audiences. (500) Days of Summer is even better than some of the others in recent years like Juno and Little Miss Sunshine. Every man can relate to Tom who falls in love with Summer because we've all known that bitch in real life.

2. Avatar
This movie is actually depressing people because they can't be Na'vi and live on Pandora. I liked it and wouldn't mind being tall, perpetually fit, and able to commune with nature like the Na'vi, but it really is just a movie. Its also an incredible technical achievement though, which is good because there are enough clichés in here to fill the Grand Canyon. As I write this, Avatar has made $1.4 billion dollars worldwide.

1. Knowing
Knowing is the movie Nic Cage has been working toward his entire career. Cage plays Dr. John Koestler, an MIT Astrophysics professor, single dad, and atheist whose son comes into possession of a paper covered in numbers written by a crazy girl fifty years earlier and placed in a time capsule at the local elementary school. Upon closer inspection, Koestler notices the numbers correspond to a series of disasters during that fifty year time frame. It may sound a bit over the top, but the Cage man brings it home.

The whisper people are friggin creepy.

Avatar 3D is Impressive

The story is pretty familiar. Aliens have harvested all of the resources on their own planet, so they go around the galaxy pillaging others. The difference this time? Humans are the aggressors and the Na'vi are the victims, fighting to protect their beautiful and lush world of Pandora.

That's the basic premise of James Cameron's Avatar. Story wise, its pretty standard sci-fi fare, with a serious pro-environment message. What really sets this movie apart are the state of the art visuals used to produce it.

The last time I dared to see a 3D movie, I was a little kid and was handed these crappy paper "glasses" with cellophane red and blue lenses. Not surprisingly, the color of the movie was distorted by the glasses. I don't even remember if the 3D was worth a damn because the overall visual impact was so negative.

They've improved 3D quite a bit. The paper/cellophane glasses are gone, replaced by something that looks like Rivers Cuomo would wear. They're made like real glasses, so you can wear them comfortably. Once the movie starts, the visuals blow you away. Images really seem to leap off the screen and Cameron wisely doesn't force the issue. When it seems like something should be approaching the audience, it does. When it doesn't make sense to do that, he doesn't do it. We're left with a beautifully filmed movie with cutting edge technology that will leave you in awe the entire time you're in the theater.

As for the movie itself, its good, but not without its flaws. Some of the characters seem a little cartoonish (Giovani Ribisi, I'm looking in your direction) and under developed. The environmental message is very strong, but since I agree with what it had to say, I didn't mind. I imagine the outrage mongers on the right are having their usual conniption fit over it though. Fortunately, I don't know if anyone bothers to listen to them anymore.

Avatar must be seen in the theater and in 3D to fully appreciate it. Skynet recommends you hit up the local cinema while you can.

The Day the Earth Stood Still Sucked

I just finished watching The Day the Earth Stood Still, a remake of the classic from 1951, and was completely taken aback by the film's lameness. I wasted two hours watching the movie, so I figured why not spend another six writing about how horrible it was. The movie was written by David Scarpa, the writer of The Last Castle, and directed by Scott Derrickson, the director of The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Despite the great special effects, acceptable acting and decent character development, the storyline of this movie was retarded and could have been easily reworked into something more interesting, more realistic and more edifying.

Plot Synopsis

Dr. Helen Benson, an astrobiologist played by Jennifer Connelly, is whisked out of her house by the US government as she prepares dinner for her step-son, played by Jaden Smith. She is shoved into a truck with about a dozen other scientists and engineers and driven to a military installation where she is told that an unidentified object rocketing through space at 1/10th of the speed of light is scheduled to collide with Manhattan in 78 minutes.

As doomsday arrives, everyone is surprised to find out that the object is slowing down and landing in Central Park. It turns out that the unidentified object is an alien spacecraft carrying an ambassador named Klaatu, played by Keanu Reeves, who tries to warn humans about their reckless destruction of the environment and his duty to save the Earth at all costs. Klaatu is protected by a giant robot named Gort who can manipulate electronics, is nearly indestructible and is made of metallic locusts. Klaatu's diplomatic mission is botched early on by a trigger-happy soldier and a ridiculous Secretary of Defense, which puts him on the run from the US government with the help of Dr. Benson for most of the movie.

Dr. Benson, her son, and Klaatu try to find someone who can help Klaatu and save the human race, introducing him to a Nobel Laureate played by John Cleese along the way. Throughout the movie, Dr. Benson begs Klaatu to spare the human race, claiming that we can change and that environmental destruction isn't inevitable. Dr. Benson's troubled relationship with her disrespectful and unhappy stepson is a subplot revisited throughout the film. While trying to reach a UN meeting where he can explain his case to the world's leaders, Klaatu has a covert meeting with an alien spy in the form of an old Chinese American man who has lived on Earth for seventy years. The spy communicates to Klaatu that despite the fact that human beings know they are destroying the Earth, they are unrepentant and unable to stop themselves. They are, in short, irredeemable. The only way to save the rest of the species on Earth is to annihilate them.

Meanwhile, the US military is trying to pick apart and destroy Gort, who releases a plague of metallic, metallovorous locusts upon the Earth. These locusts then roll through the US, devouring everything man-made in their way. In an attempt to save the world's animals from the locusts, scintillating orbs spread across the planet begin storing the fauna of the world in the fashion of Noah. Complete disaster is averted when Klaatu, after watching Dr. Benson and her step-son share a heartfelt moment in which the two reconcile, decides to spare the human race. We may be destructive and brutish, but we are at least empathetic and have the capacity to change. He commands the locusts to stop before they reach a major city, but before leaving, disables all of our electronics.

Criticisms of the Government

So what are we to make of all this? First off, I had a lot of problems with way that the government operated in the movie. Overall, the series of events that occurred after Klaatu's landing were ridiculous. Why would the government choose the scientists that could best analyze the problem and use them as the first ones to approach the spacecraft? Wouldn't you want to keep these people from direct contact with the aliens until after you knew whether they were aggressive or peaceful? Additionally, who would fire on an alien as it reached out to greet Dr. Benson? No trained soldier would do that and the whole situation seemed contrived. Immediately after Klaatu's shooting, Gort, a colossal, cyclopean robot, comes to his defense. Of course, why would Gort be a cyclops, and not something more useful and maneuverable, like a giant wasp or spider? Because they are selling this movie to people who are fans of the original movie and who want to see a giant humanoid robot, just like in the original, even though we have the special effects to create something much cooler now.

After Klaatu in his larval form is wounded, he is rushed to the hospital, where a doctor operates on him in an attempt to remove the bullet. He is surprised to find out that Klaatu's physiology is human, and that his blubbery cocoon is falling off his body. During Klaatu's surgery, one of the scientists remarks that the biologists of the world will be studying the cocoon for decades. Of course, the wicked Secretary of Defense played by Kathy Bates claims that nobody will see the cocoon, since it is the property of the US government and is highly classified. However, the Secretary allows Dr. Benson to take a sliver of the cocoon home with her for some unexplainable reason.

Once Klaatu wakes up and finds that he has fully realized his human form, he is transported to an "interrogation room", where he is subjected to a lie detector. I found this part of the movie totally ridiculous. Klaatu is put into a room with only his interrogator and is asked a series of questions. If you had an alien in your midst and you were concerned about his species attacking the Earth, why would you use a lie detector? He's an alien; why would the government expect a lie detector to work on him? The interrogator begins by asking Klaatu "control questions", one of which questions his knowledge of an invasion of Earth. A control question is something that both the operator and the subject know is either true or false that allows the operator to record base metabolic ratings, so that they can be compared later with readings from other questions to see if the subject is lying. If you ask a question whose answer you don't know, you defeat the whole purpose of asking the control questions. Nobody on the set knew about this or said anything? I find that hard to believe. Doing a proper lie detector scene would not have taken much longer and would have been more believable. Despite this, the far more unexplainable part of this scene is that there are absolutely no other observers of Klaatu while he is being questioned. Why would nobody else in the building be watching an E.T. be questioned, if for no other reason than curiousity, let alone for security or analysis? This situation made Klaatu's escape far too easy and made the plot less interesting.

After Klaatu's surgery, Dr. Benson and most likely the other scientists are sent home with no security. For an event of this magnitude, why would the government let the scientists go home? I feel like the security at a defense company like Raytheon is tighter than that used by the government in the film.

Overall, the response by the government was strange, bumbling and Busheque. The whole encounter was run as well as the response to Hurricane Katrina. Replace the Secretary of Defense with the Vice President, and then the fictional government really resembles the Bush Administration. The President never appeared in the movie, and the Secretary of Defense ran all of the operations. On the other hand, if the President in the movie was anything like President Bush, then it's probably best that he didn't intervene.

Criticism of the Aliens

So the government was ridiculous in the movie, but one could argue that the government was supposed to look ridiculous, as the movie parodied the real US government. However, the aliens, beings from another planet who are far more advanced than us, were almost as ridiculous as the government they met on Earth. The aliens were portrayed as a technologically and morally advanced society, but their actions say otherwise.

Alien Plan

The aliens' plan for Earth was unethical and riddled with errors. Here is the overall alien plan:

1. Observe Earth for thousands or millions of years.
2. Put spheres which will hold all of Earth's animals in diverse ecosystems in order to transport all the animals off of the Earth in the event of a catastrophe.
3. In the event that the Earth is threatened, save all the animals by moving them in the orbs.

The aliens have observed that humans are destroying the planet, so here is are their tactics:

1. Send a spy to Earth to keep tabs on the locals.
2. After situation gets worse, send ambassador to explain the situation to the humans.
3. Have humans transport him to an upcoming UN meeting to explain the Earth's predicament and the aliens' ultimatum.
4. If humans do not obey the ultimatum, kill them all.

• Earth's Predicament: Human beings are destroying the Earth. Planets capable of sustaining complex life are rare, so preservation of the Earth is a high priority.
• Aliens' Ultimatum: If you do not stop destroying the Earth and do not start acting responsibly, we will kill all of you and destroy every trace of your civilization.

Criticism of the Alien Plan

The Alien Plan was ill-conceived and its purposes questionable. The whole reason that the aliens thought Earth was so special is because of its ability to sustain complex life forms. However, they ignore the fact that even though our ecosystem is fragile, life on Earth is resilient. Even if we destroyed all the complex life forms on Earth, complex life would evolve again after millions of years. The chances of humans destroying Earth's capability to sustain complex life forms is minuscule.

The Alien Plan didn't value human life correctly. If the presence of complex life is so rare in the universe, then the presence of intelligent life and civilization is even more rare. Humans are, as E.O. Wilson said, "the crown jewel of the animal kingdom". If the aliens want to save the Earth's creatures, they must save us too. If the aliens are so keen on saving complex life, shouldn't they be keen on keeping intelligent life around as well? The aliens' goal is to preserve all animals except for humans, but aren't the aliens wasting the evolutionary work of creating intelligent life when they could just reason with us or perhaps in the worst case occupy us for a while? Occupying the Earth isn't exactly a moral alternative but it's better than killing everyone. Extermination seems like a last ditch effort, when they did not try all of the intermediary plans. Additionally, we have the right to life, which the aliens are violating. Saving the Earth does not justify the extermination of the human race. Furthermore, the destruction of the Earth is being brought on mostly by the industrialized countries. Why punish everyone when hunter-gatherers of the world are still living sustainably?

The aliens' motives were mysterious. Why are the aliens trying to save the Earth anyways? Do they just find complex life valuable for scientific purposes or believe it has an inherent right to exist? Or do they want to save the Earth as a potential colony in case they need to move in? That may actually explain their willingness to exterminate us. In that case, they are no better us, since they are not acting out of any higher purpose but only their own selfish ends.

Criticism of the Execution of the Alien Plan

The Aliens' plan was poorly thought out and morally ambiguous, but the execution was even worse. If the aliens already had a spy on Earth for 70 years who knew we were irrational, why would they attempt a plan like this? Additionally, why send a giant, intimidating spacecraft to Central Park, when they could just land somewhere more inconspicuous in a smaller vessel and go to the UN meeting from there. The aliens obviously have a good handle on electronics, so communicating with the world's leaders would not be a problem.

Instead of going directly to the UN Meeting, which was presumably in New York, the alien ambassador gets into huge rigamarole with the US government and ends up not communicating the Earth's predicament or his ultimatum to more than a few people. Is there nobody else but Gort who can support him? Klaatu's civilization only sent him to represent all of the alien civilizations? This seems like a plan that was destined to fail.

After Klaatu stops the invasion of the metallic locusts, he decides to disable all of the electronics in the world. This seems strange, as we could repair our old electronic devices or just build new ones. This would not stop the destruction of the Earth by itself. Disabling the planet's electronics only seems like an act of malice by Klaatu after his ill treatment by humans. This punishes everyone on Earth, whereas the US was the only country who had direct contact with Klaatu and who botched his "diplomatic" mission? Additionally, even a different Secretary of Defense or President would have saved him a lot of hassle. Why not just reprimand them?

The alien plan suffered from Manichean thinking which resembled that of the Secretary of Defense. Either earthlings could be reasoned with or they had to be destroyed. There was no middle ground. Similary, in the Secretary of Defense's view, the aliens were an evil force that was trying to destroy us. However, the Secretary didn't think that the aliens perhaps had another motive and that a more diplomatic posture would have been more suitable. In the end, the aliens should have considered more intermediate steps such as occupation or multiple warnings. Many warnings over time would have been more effective than just one warning, which wasn't even delivered to the UN. Furthermore, extermination of the human race should never have even been an option.

Overall Criticism of the Movie

The Good

Although there were many problems with the movie, there were some bright spots. Even though the government's incompetence was vastly overstated, the movie did provide a good criticism of an aggressive, paranoid government. Most people who watch this movie should understand the message that diplomacy should be used before violence. This movie was also a call for environmental responsibility which is so lacking in the world today. Hopefully anyone who sees the movie will become more aware of the world's environmental problems. The main characters in the movie were also diverse. The two human characters in the movie with the most power are Dr. Benson and the Secretary of Defense, who are both women. Additionally, the Dr. Benson's son is black and she was involved in an interracial marriage. This promotes tolerance and civil justice for women and blacks.

The Bad

Although the movie had an environmental theme, this film put the environmentalist aliens in a bad light. Many people perceive environmentalists as people who will destroy their way of life if they don't respect the Spotted Owl or some other endangered animal. This movie just stokes their fears could perhaps make them less willing to listen to environmentalists. Aliens who respected human rights would have worked better for the environmentalist movement, especially since most environmentalists are concerned with human rights.

The Day the Earth Stood Still would have better served the environmentalist cause if the film had given some concrete examples of environmental problems on the earth and what we can do to stop them. There are a multitude of environmental problems, including extinction of species, water shortages, air pollution, water pollution, global warming and soil erosion. A deep look into some of these problems would have perhaps slowed down the pace of the movie, but just a few quick shots of refugees or oil spills would have put more focus on the environment. This might have made the movie more moralizing and boring, but the movie was already moralizing to begin with.

Conclusion

Although this movie was not a complete waste of time, it could have been much better. Some of the best movies ever made are Science Fiction, and this genre can be quite rewarding. However, instead of being Terminator II or Bladerunner, this movie conked out in terms of realism. Many small details were overlooked and the plot could have been much better. In the end, the makers of The Day the Earth Stood Still decided to try to stick more to the storyline of the original movie rather than just create a good movie.

Rating: 5/10

District 9: Prawns ala Jackson, aka CGIFriday in Fullerton

Skynet: California would like to welcome our newest writer, Mr. Finski. A cunning linguist and hot air balloon enthusiast, Finski has something to say about District 9. It has something to do with aliens as far as I can tell.

As I settled into the red velveteen chairs at the Fullerton AMC in culturally bereft Orange County yesterday, I hoped for one thing out of this Peter Jackson action flick: alien splatter. Such was my simple hope, and I can attest that the director of the famous Tolkien "LotR" saga brought the gore home in this film. He likewise brought urine, vomit, viscera, teeth, fingernails, and interspecies fornication. For $10, I left happy. In the end, District 9 (directed by Neill Blomkamp, written by Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, produced by Peter Jackson) had more nutritional value than the cardboard popcorn and the chemically-flavored Diet Coke I purchased for $9.75. Next time, I'll bring my own snacks.

To be fair, however, aliens versus gun-toting humans rarely leaves me displeased. I rank horror fare in the following order of highest to lowest: zombies, aliens, werewolves, vampires, undead (minor variant on zombies), and psycho killers. So when I saw the trailer for District 9, and I noticed that Peter Jackson, creator of 1992's little-known gem Dead-Alive (released in the states as the lamely-titled Braindead), had brought this apparent alien slaughter effort to the theaters, I promised I would see it with no impedance. I would see it without reading a review, knowing anything whatsoever about the plot outside of what the trailer promised, and I would try to catch a poorly attended screening. Myriad idiots in a theater can only decrease my enjoyment. I recall watching noontime screenings of Blue Velvet in 1986 and Reservoir Dogs in 1992. I was alone after three other people left David Lynch's Reagan era masterpiece in the first half an hour, and five strangers joined me to watch the entire visual blitzkrieg of Tarantino's crime spree frolic in the fall 17 years ago. Great violence, human oddity, alienation, and disjunct plot twists belong to a smattering of oddballs like me, and too many bodies in a theater seem to ruin my joy. I want the freak experience but I like it in a remote setting with a BIG screen and velveteen seats. District 9 at the Fullerton AMC delivered on all but the numbers, as there were about 25 poeple in the theater for a 4:20 show. But that wasn't too bad for a such a major release as this. It might have been far worse, and in the end, the audience was fine. No one talked, texted, or interrupted the film so it all worked out well. Reactions to action were appropriate, so this time, I was gathered with like-minded twistos, and this made me very happy.

Joining me in this effort were two close friends; Stephen and Lacey, the former a fellow teacher and the latter his teacher-fiancee. Neither knew much of the plot either, so we three purists walked into Fullerton's megaplex emotionally unarmed and prepped for whatever attacked our senses. I will relate below as much of the blow-by-blow, splatter-by-pop action as I can recall 24 hours later as I type this. I do not post spoilers, but truthfully, if you think this movie is trying to make you think it's The Crying Game, don't bother. It has a certain highbrow subtlety in it somewhere, but this is a great big sci-fi, alien~killer flick, and Jane Austen has nothing to do with the script. It's like telling someone who wins the war before they see Gone With the Wind ... if that gets them mad, they are too stupid to watch the movie anyway.

As District 9 begins, it looks and feels a bit like Cloverfield. There is the handcam-method employed throughout, and the video-to-film crossover that has become the new Blair Witch concept of CGI action movies the last ten years or so. Right away, I start to get that woozy, I-wish-I-didn't-wolf-my-popcorn&soda-feeling. If you have vestibular system concerns, this might not be your best choice for a two-hour experience. Stephen and Lacey had issues with it, but I bit down hard and managed to pass the nausea by the halfway point, as did Lacey. Stephen was still reeling at movie's end, but he's the art-house type. He actually watches 'Masterpiece Theater' ...

In any event, the film is set in Johannesburg, South Africa in current day, where we see a ginormous alien vessel (similar to Independence Day's mondo skyships, or perhaps a bit of Spielberg's Close Encounters spacecraft of the 70s) hovering over the city. Through narration & interviews by a newsreel-documentary clearly created AFTER some sort of disaster-cataclysm, we learn it hovered there for 20 years. During that time, no attacks by the aliens occurred, so early on, a human military team boards the ship. On it are found over a million aliens, malnourished, filthy, and clearly dying if not given aid. Down on African terra firma, a refugee camp springs up, and for the two decades that precede the film's main action, it is obvious these aliens, nicknamed by the slur of "prawns" by the Afrikaans and native people of South Africa, become an economic hardship for the country.

Enter the film's version of the UN, called MNU for Multi-National United. An MNU force, led by a paper-pushing, wormy geek named Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley in his major-market acting debut) is appointed to issue eviction notices to the 20-year resident prawns of the District 9 province, the alien ghetto's official name and the reason for the film's cryptic nomenclature. When imagining the setting here, think Hoovervilles with a decided Palestinian, Gaza strip feel, and you'll understand how allegorical this part of the film feels.

Merwe starts off rather annoying, and I was certain he'd be alien meat by the first reel's end. Yet, he grows on you, and he grows in other ways consistent with the film's sci-fi plot, too. But Merwe is an anti-hero protagonist indeed. Like Charlie Babbitt in Rainman, you think this guy is a jackass, a clown, and that he deserves a first class ass-kicking. But like Charlie Babbitt, he exonerates himself as the film progressess, with great suffering and at great personal loss to himself. Merwe gets kicked, slapped, and smacked about to be sure. He even gets a first rate antagonist, a macho, military team commanding mope who must back-up MNU on this dirty job; he is a flat-bastard SOB military stud straight out of HALO. He loves killing prawns, and he brings extra ammo just so he can kill them with gay abandon. I tried finding the actor's name on the IMDB site, but the film is so rampant with nobody actors, it's like trying to buy a vowel on Al Jazeera's version of "Wheel of Fortune" ... I gave up after the fifteenth character named 'MNU Guard' with no photo came up on the filmsite. Suffice it to say, 'MNU Bastard Killer HALO Guy' makes it well into the final scenes of the film, and he gets a roaring send off. This is not unexpected, so it is not a spoiler. If you think it is, please do me a favor - do not vote or breed. Just stay home and watch Fox News or "One Tree Hill" ... thank you.

Back to the story - Merwe wants to do this eviction task by the book, and the eye-rolling of the soldiers towards the desk-jockey in charge is familiar to anyone who loved the interplay of the cast in 1986's Aliens. What Paul Reiser was to Bill Paxton's crew of grizzled marines in space, Merwe is to these prawn-mashing, take-no-prisoner, modern day gladiators. It's formula, but in this film, it works. It is a vehicle to get the plot moving because there is an ongoing sense that something really bad will happen soon, and happen it does, in vivid color.

In a subplot, we learn that Merwe is a married man, whose father-in-law saddled him with this media-nightmare of knocking on alien doors in a biohazard ghetto that makes modern day images of Somalia, Darfur, and Baghdad look like Bel Air. Yet, Merwe is gung-ho, can understand prawn language (which the viewer gets subtitles for, understandably), and he gleefully directs the camera that follows him to get the details of this co-civilian/martial endeavor in all its gory glory. Now, Merwe's father-in-law is an archvillain, megacorporate, Dick Cheney type, Haliburton executive, and later developments of the plot are clearly manipulated by his character. Again, it is a familiar structure, but because District 9 does not try to be a psychological treatise on the military-industrial complex, it doesn't drag the plot out. It just drops it in front of you and lets you pick up on it or not. If you don't get it early, you'll get it later. Just watch because District 9 moves at about 75 mph throughout the first quarter of the film, and only slows to 65 for the last three-fourths. This is rapid fire stuff, and it is ferret-attention span friendly.

So, the hope of MNU is to relocate the prawn-refugees 200 kilometers away from South Africa's capital, apparently to that region's equivalent of San Bernardino, where the only people who will care about the filthy, crime doing, cat-food eating, scraggy-looking aliens will be the extras left over from the set of The Gods Must Be Crazy. Several eviction notice scenes are shown, with soldiers playing the role of modern day My Lai massacre monsters, and with the obvious memories of South Africa's apartheid era clear for all to see as well. This aspect of District 9 is what works best. It lets you the viewer discern the level of the symbolism, of what is concrete and what is abstract. Take whatever you want from it, because the action won't tarry for long.

Before 30 minutes of this 112 minute journey are over, however, the real conflict rears its otherworldy head: Merwe gets exposed to a black alien fluid from a confiscated canister he couldn't keep his clerical schnoz out of. So begins the major plot, as our human hero becomes infected by alien illness. He coughs, feels nausea, eats some fast food to coat his stomach, then projectile vomits several times. Not to be out done, plenty of prawns void their urethras, gullets, and nether regions as well, and a few bloodlettings of prawns by humans, and humans by prawns, color the shaky-view screen for our enjoyment. Courtesy of the camera's movement, combined with the aliens fighting tooth and nail to resist eviction, you may well start to join Merwe in a pretty honest portrayal of what this mythical alien concentration camp might look, feel, and smell like. I counsel eating no greasy, salty, or spicy meals prior to seeing this film, lest you wish to mimic Merwe . . . matter of fact, the Wii version of this may have a Vomi-attachment for electro-gacking onto your carpet at home, complete with a cross promotion with Resolve carpet cleaner. If this happens, just remember, I said it first!

As the film develops, an interesting thing happens, however. Two prawns become crucial to the plot, and through them, sympathy switches in the audience, quite purposefully, I am sure, to the filmmakers' intentions. Meet Alien #1 - Christopher Johnson (played by Jason Cope, whoever he is, utterly unrecognizeable under his squid tentacles and exoskeletal CGIsuit). Christopher is the prawn who has a plan to leave earth by re-boarding the hovering ship, returning home, and saving his people. His sidekick, Alien #2, is his toddler son, Little CJ. CJ is as close as this film comes to being a kid-flick, as I'm sure a doll of little CJ is forthcoming. Unlike the Ewok dolls of the early 80s however, if a CJ doll wets himself in the home version, you'll need a biohazard suit to clean up the stuff that jets from his orifices.

The last half of District 9 thereby becomes the Merwe & Christopher show. Merwe becomes the hunted one, as his infection & subsequent mutations make him wanted by the bioweapons division of MNU, while Christopher tries to keep his son alive and somehow re-capture the black fluid canister which contains the fuel he needs to fly his hidden spaceship up to the mothership, redock, and get his prawn ass home again. Of course, Merwe starts to see the goodness in this fatherly prawn, and Christopher starts to appreciate Merwe's predicament. But it is not a clean and easy characterization. There are moments when you wonder if double crosses are going to happen, and as good plots go, this one allows for a few ironic hesitations, and I appreciated that it wasn't all as neat and tidy of a script as I assumed it would be. It isn't Melville, but it isn't as inane and insipid as Dan Brown's ignoramus DaVinci Code leaps of stupidity either.

Along the way of Merwe and Christopher's odyssey, Nigerian underworld figures, evil MNU soldiers, biotech chemists, weapons testers, black magic voodoo hookers, and a mess of alien-DNA activated ray guns enter, exit, and just say hello to the viewer at warp speed, while a googleplex of humans and prawns go pop, glurg, splat, and arrrrgh while instantly dissipating into smears of red, black, blue, and green in all of CGI's imagineered glory. One particular sequence involves Merwe manning a prawn cybertank, straight out of Robocop's badborg ED209. It allows for the requisite shootout, chase scene that every decent western has had since the genre was first mastered by Howard Hawkes and John Ford, and if you replaced Merwe and Christopher with Christian Bale and Russell Crowe in the recent remake of 3:10 to Yuma, the only difference would be the weaponry. Likewise, my fave moment involves an alien-monstro grenade imbedding itself into a Nigerian gangsta's cranium, hanging out for a blue-glowing two-second count as the fellow realizes his time has come, and then the whole mess goes up in computer-generated happy happy. Jesus wept, but I love a "He blowed up REAAAL GOOD" scene in a flick, and that qualifies as the best one in some time for this sicko.

District 9 is a summer action film and I'd rate it a 9 if I wasn't the biggest bastard ever. I gave a 9 to Aliens and The Fly 23 years ago, and those films were really, really good and truly classic. I have never rated an action film a 10 because I save that number for films like Harold and Maude and Rashomon. So, giving District 9 an 8/10 is a high compliment for an old curmudgeon like me. I liked that it left room for a sequel, but again, it didn't beat you over the head with it. It just allows for the possibility that there may be a District 10 around the next corner, in a summer far, far away, where the prawns and the humans will one day eviscerate each other again.

~ Finski "Not As Fat as Ebert or as Dead as Siskel"

The Cage Man Hits Another Home Run

The prolific and Academy Award winning Nic Cage has done it again.

Knowing is an absolute masterpiece.

Its a story you may have heard before. Cage plays Dr. John Koestler, an MIT Astrophysics professor, single dad, and atheist whose son comes into possession of a paper covered in numbers written by a crazy girl fifty years earlier and placed in a time capsule at the local elementary school. Upon closer inspection, Koestler notices the numbers correspond to a series of disasters during that fifty year time frame. Some of the dates are in the near future. Are they a prediction of doom? Is Cage somehow chosen to prevent the disasters? Will he reconcile with his father?

Any additional information would spoil the movie for you. Knowing is tense, riveting, and shockingly creepy in parts and well worth a spot in your Netflix queue.

Terminator: Salvation was OK

At long last, the new Terminator movie was released this week and while not bad, it was certainly disappointing.

You probably know the general plot by now. Its the future, John Connor has grown up and is fighting in the resistance against the machines. This time around Skynet is up to their old tricks of trying to kill John's father before he can get it on with Linda Hamilton, but they've got a new secret weapon.

Its a fairly solid plot and should carry the movie adequately, but one of the problems is that the filmmakers never go any deeper. Numerous questions are left unanswered and swept under the rug with explosions and nods to the first three movies. Characters are left undeveloped, simply dropped in here or there for no other reason than to move the story along.

You have the terminators we all know and love, but they've added some newer models. Some are OK, but others would be more at home in Transformers 2. We finally see Skynet Headquarters, but it looks more like an oil refinery than the home base of a machine society (remember how awesome the machine city in Matrix: Revolutions was?).

Are you noting the pattern? Lots of "buts". There are a lot of problems with this movie. At the same time I can't sit here and say I didn't enjoy it because I did. I would recommend it to Terminator junkies like myself, but the casual fan probably shouldn't waste their time.

Severed Hands in the Star Wars Movies

What's the deal with George Lucas and severed hands? Long ago, I noticed the Star Wars movies seem to have an inordinate amount of severed hands in them. From time to time I thought I should count them, but haven't been bored enough to do so. Well, good news! A recent business trip provided just the right opportunity to count the severed hands in the Star Wars movies. As it turns out, I'm not the first to be interested in this topic, far from it in fact. Regardless, I've already counted, so here you go. I have opted not to include clones and droids. God knows how many of their hands were lost. I've also not counted the citizens of Alderon. When the Death Star hit the planet, I'm sure lots of hands were severed before the people were vaporized. Anyway, here is the list. If they lost more than one hand, there is a note in parentheses:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace
None

Episode II: Attack of the Clones
The shapeshifting assassin
Jengo Fet
The giant grasshopper (2)
Anakin Skywalker

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Count Dooku (2)
General Grievous (2)
Mace Windu
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

Episode IV: A New Hope
C3PO
"I don't like you either" guy

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Snow monster
C3PO
Luke Skywalker

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

Two things stand out. One, if you count his time as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker actually loses his right hand twice. Pretty lousy for him. Two, a lot of these people die immediately after losing a hand. Nine of the fourteen victims here die soon after and Anakin/Vader dies after losing his right hand the second time.

Never Ever Watch These Movies

I'm currently on hiatus from Netflix, but had the movie itch so I went to the local video store. Naturally, they were out of The Reader and The Wrestler, my first two choices, so I had to go to backups. I was mildly curious about The Day the Earth Stood Still and The Spirit, so I grabbed them. My bad...

The Spirit - Frank Miller, Samuel L. Jackson, Eva Mendes, AND Scarlet Johansson? How could it go wrong! Oh, they found a way and didn't take long either. The Spirit is basically a coyote and roadrunner cartoon shot in the style of Sin City. Twenty minutes into this debacle, I had lost interest and starting wondering when I was going to return it. I don't often turn movies off, but The Spirit wasn't going to suck any more of my time.

The Day the Earth Stood Still - Now with this one, I expected it to be cheesy. That doesn't mean it can't be entertaining though. Sadly, this wasn't entertaining. It was boring. Keanu Reeves was stiff and wooden throughout the entire movie. I know what you're saying, "Oh Skynet, you've clearly forgotten he's always turning in wooden performances!" I realize that. He takes wooden to a new level here though. In most of his scenes, he could have easily been replaced by a department store manequin. He just sits and stares, periodically opening his yap to reveal a frustratingly tiny bit of the plot. By the time you find out what is going on, you no longer care.

On the advice of Blue Napkins' sister, another turd of a film was rented later in the evening...

Repo: The Genetic Opera - Here we have your run of the mill goth musical staring Paul Sorvino, Paris Hilton, and some dude who looks suspiciously like Rutger Hauer. Its set in a dystopian future where organs are subject to repossession if you can't pay for them. The repo man scours the city hunting down the delinquent transplant recipients and removes them on the spot, while Paul Sorvino's kids fight over who is going to inherit the family organ business. Now, this certainly sounded promising, but its thrown together in such a careless and irritating way, I again lost interest pretty quickly. By the time Paris Hilton's face falls off in the third act, I was so ready to run to the bathroom and hang myself to make the pain stop, I couldn't properly enjoy her long overdue disfigurement.

Alarming News about Nic Cage

We're all big fans of Nic Cage here at Skynet, so it really pains me to break this news to you...

The Cage Man had to sell one of his castles because of the economic downturn.

I hope you were sitting down for that. I took it pretty hard when I heard the news. Damn this economy! I'm now sending out a call to arms. Everyone must go see Knowing immediately. Take the wife, kids, and your mistress. Buy a seat for Grandma and her dogs. Have a crazy cat lady in the neighborhood? Invite her too. And the cats. We have to pack the place. Don't even think about skimping and going to the matinee either. Hit up the 9pm show and pay full price. The Cage Man needs your help!