Skynet Art Party

Recently, Skynet held an art party. No, not one of those lame art parties beaten married middle age couples hold where crappy paintings of boats are swapped over gripes about the kids and taxes. No, Skynet's art party resulted in actual art being created. Governor X, Blue Napkins, and Mountain King (Blue Napkin's seldom heard from opposite sex domestic partner) were in attendance and this is what they came up with. The primary theme of the evening was avocdados, but as usual, we were pretty open...

Avocado in Hell - Blue Napkins

Clearly an expression of frustration with the inability to find avocados grown in this hemisphere. Some Georgia O'Keefe influence may be present here as well. You know what I mean...

Socialist on Bike - Blue Napkins

This is most likely a scathing critique of current fuel efficiency standards mandated by the federal government. Its worth noting this work was created before President Obama announced tougher fuel economy standards.

The Green Sentinel - Governor X

An expression of teenage angst and commentary on the modern environmental movement.

Sad Domo, Spicy Tuna Roll, and the Emptiness of Death - Governor X

A sorrowful cry for the lost illusions of immortality. Also a sushi roll.

Avocado, Enough of This! - Mountain King

A chilling vision of the not so distant future. Note the contempt the starship holds for the moon, stars, and avocado. Truly disturbing.

American Idol Update: Week 5 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

The hardest part of the American Idol update is picking each week's featured artist. Our last artist was Rene Magritte. Tonight I've decided to feature Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, a 5ft tall French product of inbreeding (his two grandmothers were sisters) who enjoyed absinthe and painting ladies of the night. Back to him in a minute.

I've already forgotten the count on Idol, but its no matter. Skynet has already decided Siobhan Magnus is the real winner. Blue Napkins feels she has a headless doll collection, but she can sing. No one else can. I don't think anyone else on the show has a headless doll collection either. Aaron Kelly may have a headless teenage boy collection under his house when he's 40 or so, but that's another topic for another day.

Our first work tonight is At the Moulin Rouge, oil on canvas 1892/93. Now Idol...

Tonight's generic theme is Billboard's #1's. Lame.

Wow, speaking of lame, the mentor is Miley Cyrus. Shouldn't you have some actual talent at what you do to be a mentor? Unless she's coaching the contestants to be as white trashy as possible this is going to be a disaster.

Lee Dewyze - This guy. Eesh. Lautrec facts...according to wiki, "Toulouse-Lautrec created 737 canvases, 275 watercolours, 363 prints and posters, 5,084 drawings, some ceramic and stained glass work, and an unknown number of lost works" in less than 20 years. Prolific. Too bad he isn't still alive. We could have him blogging here and he would single handedly keep the site going.

Paige Miles - Miley Cyrus sounds like she's been smoking two packs a day for 30 years. Isn't she 17? Jesus. Nice parenting there Billy Ray. Paige usually isn't that bad. She takes a lot of abuse on the internets, but not here. We never say anything negative about anyone, especially not 17 year old chain smokers with no talent like Miley Cyrus. I have to admit though, that performance was brutal.

Tim Urban - Vote for the Worst has latched on to Tim and he brought his A (F?) game tonight with Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Vote for the Worst has chosen wisely.

Aaron Kelly - Bodies under the house dude. My favorite depiction of Toulouse-Lautrec was John Leguizamo in Baz Luhrman's classic Moulin Rouge. Its required viewing for Skynet. If you haven't seen it, you have to leave.

Crystal Bowersox. Toulouse-Lautrec loved, LOVED the absinthe. Ever try it? I had a go at in last winter. It tasted like licorice and it didn't make me want to paint. Fail.

Michael Lynche - This guy started out with potential singing Maroon 5. It was funny because he's a very very heavy set fellow. He's really regressed into a series of boring slow jams. You ain't Barry White dude.

Andrew Garcia - I don't even care about this guy. If he burst into flame on stage right now he'd still be boring.

Katie Stevens - Last week a few 6 year olds totally PWNED this song at the Bridge Club's Poker Night. This version isn't awful, but it isn't great either. Ellen will probably talk about brown bananas.

Casey James - What the hell happened to Huey Lewis? He had huge hits, then vanished only to turn up again in that ghastly karaoke movie with Gwenyth Paltrow before vanishing a second time. This performance isn't bad.

Didi Benami - I don't even care about this girl. If she burst into flame on stage right now she'd still be boring.

Siobhan Magnus - They saved the best for last! Weird weird look this week, but is that at all shocking? No. Just give her the title now.

A little Toulouse-Lautrec, a lot of Idol this week. Maybe I'll give you some more info about him next week since we were a little Idol heavy this week.

HAVE ANOTHER GLASS...

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

I decided to follow the Governor's lead and post fine works of art.

I was recently asked by an unseemly relative why a secular person such as myself celebrates Easter and the myriad of other supposedly "Christian" holidays. As anyone with beyond a rudimentary grasp of history knows, our modern Christian holidays are nothing more than pagan celebrations that have been painted over with the Jesus-brand brush of revisionist history. They haven't even bothered to remove the props used in days of yore. Eggs? Bunnies? They couldn't even be bothered to change the name. "Easter" is derived from the name of a fertility goddess.

I enjoy the historic aspects of tradition. Hunting eggs left by a magical bunny to symbolize fertility and sex during the Spring equinox is delightful. Claiming this all has something to do with Jesus' zombie rising from the dead is cognitive dissonance at its best. The only similarity is the idea of rebirth, being born again, which bears a vague resemblance to celebration of the rebirth of the Earth after a long, dark winter.

So I celebrate these hijacked "Christian" holidays with complete disregard for their modern meaning. Religious nutjobs have ruined enough things in this world. Screw them; I am making Easter the property of the heathens again.

Aww, those little girls are wrapping ribbons around a phallus. Adorable!

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 2 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

Welcome back. No intro tonight, I'm too tired. Lets jump right into the art and Idol.

Tonight's featured Magritte work is La Durée Poignardée, oil on canvas 1938. This clearly represents a train coming out of a fireplace. Probably something about sex too. This work is frequently called Time Transfixed, but Magritte hated that. The title literally translates to Ongoing Time Stabbed by a Dagger. Now that's a name. The guys are positively horrid this year, so that sex train is the highlight of the night.

Lee Dewyze - Negative comments are allowed tonight. First up, think of Scott Stapp doing a Death Cab song and you might be close to this abomination. After you think of that, run to the bathroom so you don't throw up on the sofa.

Alex Lambert - Awful performance of an awful song. Ellen loves it, so she called him a mushy banana. This is the third week in a row she's gone off on a banana tangent. If I didn't know she was gay, I'd think there was something dirty afoot.

Tim Urban - Hallelujah! The song that is. The man who wrote the song, Leonard Cohen, has asked for a moratorium on the song because its so overdone now. I agree. k. d. lang's performance at the Vancouver opening ceremony should have been the last one.

Andrew Garcia - A fat guy singing Genie in a Bottle would be funny on karaoke night. Its just fucking sad on national TV. Go away!

Casey James - Magritte's explanation of La Durée Poignardée: "I decided to paint the image of a locomotive . . . In order for its mystery to be evoked, another immediately familiar image without mystery — the image of a dining room fireplace — was joined."

Aaron Kelly - Yay mute button!

Todrick Hall - How is this guy still around? I think he's nailed down the West Hollywood vote. Tonight he abuses a perfectly innocent Queen song. You aren't Freddie Mercury, so don't even try. RIP Freddie.

Michael Lynche - I don't have enough wine to make this tolerable, so back to the mute button. Its a shame too. This is the one guy with any potential at all. Fail.

Well, I liked telling you some more about Rene Magritte. We'll move on to a new artist next week. I'm thinking David Hockney, but that could change. Remember to hand in your papers by noon on Monday.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 1 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

If its Tuesday, its time for Introduction to Modern Art 205 with Professor Governor X! Its also time for a crummy karaoke contest. The art is far more interesting. I don't know if its the guys or girls leading off this week and frankly I don't care. We lost four more last week, and only one was even a marginal loss. Good riddance to Haeley Vaughn in particular.

Today's feature piece is Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte's creepy ass Les Amants, oil on canvas 1928. I'm not yet practiced enough in lecturing about art to tell you what this is supposed to represent, but I find it both eerie and oddly beautiful.

Looks like the ladies are kicking things off this week. Yay?

Katie Stevens - Sweet...no more mind numbing introductions about how they like to color or molest the family pet before the show. I think I will go with the no comments but good comments theme again. In other words, no comment on her version of Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway.

Siobhan Magnus - The only contestant I truly like is on early this week with House of the Rising Sun. Honestly, if I wasn't writing this update, I'd just turn Idol off now since it will be all downhill from here.

Lacey Brown - That was off key and weird, but I kind of liked it. I'm shocked.

Katelyn Epperly - The Magritte Museum opened in Brussels in 2009. Sadly, this was two years after I visited Brussels. I'd rather not go back to that city. The streets aren't marked and the Belgians are assholes.

Didi Benami - Something else about Brussels...no one knows where anything is. I stayed in a hotel not far from the European Parliament (official Skynet business), and no one had any clue where the parliament building was. Its only one of the most important political entities in the world, who cares where its housed? Pass the moule frites mon ami!

Paige Miles - Did you know? Magritte's L'Empire des Lumières (pictured here - oil on canvas, 1953-1954) inspired the poster for The Exorcist.

Crystal Bowersox - Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Lily Scott - Awesome, the 2-hour Idol death marches have ended! We're down to a tight hour tonight. That's the best news I've heard since Kris Allen told me his CD's stay in his boring ass Ford forever. Actually, I'll be so bold as to say this is better news than that. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not interested in whether or not Kris Allen fumbles around with CD's in his car.

Idol is over. Vote for Siobhan. I hope you learned something about Rene Magritte tonight even though I didn't give you much information. Hopefully his art will grab your interest and you'll do some research on your own. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!