Adios Kurt

Future Hall of Fame quarterback and bible aficionado Kurt Warner retired today, devastating Arizona Cardinals fans everywhere. Before we talk about the suddenly bleak future of the Cards, a quick look back at Kurt's career (the short short version).

Kurt came out of a grocery store in Iowa to resurrect the Rams, winning two MVP awards and leading the long suffering franchise to a Superbowl victory. The Rams opted to throw him away shortly thereafter to go with Mark Bulger (how'd that work out for you?), so he went to New York, where in spite of not playing poorly, somehow lost his job to the less douchey Manning, Eli.

From there, Kurt would turn to the bible and emulate his hero Moses by wandering around the desert for a few years (I think it was Moses - I don't follow hockey). Fortunately for long suffering Arizona Cardinals fans, he wandered right into University of Phoenix Stadium and took the starting job away from party boy Fatty Natty Ice Leinart. With the best receiving corps in the game, Kurt again led a historically awful franchise to the Superbowl, coming within a pact-with-the-devil good catch by Santonio Holmes of winning. Kurt led the team to another NFC West victory this year and won the most amazing playoff game ever 51-45 over the Packers before the total lack of defense caught up with them. Today he walked away from the game with 2 MVP awards (and a couple MVP worthy seasons), a Superbowl victory, and the top 3 Superbowl passing performances of all time.

Now...the Cardinals. Lets just take Leinart as the starter off the table now please. He's proven he's awful, sailing passes, throwing picks, and generally playing so poorly in mop up duty the team often had to put Warner back in. Get him out of here. Send him to Seattle before Pete Carroll realizes he sucks.

The Cardinals need to set their sights on beleaguered Philly QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb already lives in Arizona and has put up amazing numbers throughout the years without more than one quality receiver at a time. Bring him to Arizona and let him throw up MVP numbers slinging the ball to Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Breaston. Look, Philly is populated by assholes. They're never going to appreciate what McNabb has done for that city. Cardinals fans have a taste of winning now and we like it. Donovan is our best bet to continue the team's winning ways.

The Book of Eli was Good

I love post-apocalyptic tales of woe and horror and Denzel Washington is always solid, so I figured The Book of Eli would be a can't miss. It didn't disappoint.

Washington plays a solitary man trekking across the wastelands of what was once the United States, hunting cats for food, and desperately searching for whatever clean water he can find. He's got some sort of a mission in mind, and you'd better stay out of his way because he carried a huge machete and knows how to wield it. He finds himself in a town ruled by a wannabe evil overlord played by Gary Oldman. For his part, Oldman is looking for a book he intends to use to control the great unwashed masses (literally unwashed, soap and shampoo did not survive the war). As you may have guessed, Denzel's drifter has the book. Inevitable showdown, blah blah blah... Its not exactly unpredictable, but its still entertaining.

I was briefly concerned the film was going to take a "Left Behind" turn. I'm happy to say it doesn't, opting instead for a "lone religious weirdo shouting from a street corner" type of turn (not exactly of course, but I don't want to ruin it for you). In the end, there are some elements that don't quite add up such as how the roads are conveniently clear of debris and apparently there's just enough fuel left for Gary Oldman to send out a multi-car search party, but The Book of Eli is a solid entry into the post-apocalyptic film collection.

Shampoo and soap didn't survive the war, but fortunately for Mila Kunis, eyeliner did.

Farewell Conan

Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show aired its final episode last night. NBC can now continue to circle the drain.

Conan had been on fire since NBC told him to take a hike so Leno could bomb in his old time slot. The last two weeks when it had been clear he wasn't going to be on long have produced comedy gold. The masturbating bear had returned, the Tonight Show itself was put up for sale on eBay, and Conan sang the closing credits among other things.

What NBC actually hopes to accomplish with this move is unclear. Paying Conan $40 million to go work for someone else so you can bring a guy who washed out in primetime back at the same time you're hemorrhaging money (they stand to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics alone) doesn't seem like good business to me. Beyond that, while you'll get the five hardcore Leno fans in Fargo back, but you've probably lost an entire generation of fans loyal to Conan who will never forgive the network for their treatment of O'Brien.

Conan will land on his feet, but we won't be seeing him on air for seven months. I look forward to his new show this fall which will likely be on Fox.

Governor X's Top Movies of 2009

2009 was a hit and miss year at the theater. For once I'm glad I'm not an Oscar voter because while I liked a lot of the movies that came out, I wouldn't really put any of them on par with masterpieces like No Country for Old Men or Slumdog Millionaire. That said, there were certainly enough entertaining offerings this year to cobble together a top 15:


15. Bruno
Bruno isn't nearly as funny as Borat, but it still got a few laughs out of me. Perhaps more importantly, it outraged all the right people. Check out the deleted interview with the neo-nazi leader on the DVD.

14. Jennifer's Body
I'm not sure Jennifer's Body should be on a list of good movies, since I can't really say it was good, but I enjoyed it. Just meditate on the plot for a minute: Megan Fox plays the hot girl at Devil's Kettle High School who is turned into a flesh eating succubus in a botched sacrifice attempt by Seth Cohen of The OC. I would also like to thank this movie for introducing me to the phrase "freaktarded".

13. Sin Nombre
Sin Nombre tells the story of how the lives of a Central American immigrant and an MS13 gang member intersect in Mexico. The movie's real power is in showing the heartbreaking conditions people seeking to enter the United States are subjected to. Bigots and Minute Men needn't waste their time.

12. Sherlock Holmes
This looked weird and I'm not a big fan of Robert Downey Jr. I realize he's a bit of a coke head in real life, but he doesn't always have to act coked up on the big screen. Holmes is riddled with plot holes and has a ridiculous story line, but it turned out to be a pretty enjoyable film. Look for Sherlock Holmes 2 if it does well (and maybe even if it doesn't) since they've clearly set up a sequel.

11. Rudo y Cursi
I'm a huge fan of Mexican soccer and I can easily say this is the best film about Mexican soccer I've ever seen. Its also the only one I've seen, but that isn't the point. This story about the rise and fall of two brothers is engaging and funny enough to forgive the predictable ending. All sports movies are fairly predictable though since there are only two outcomes: the hero can win or lose the big game.

10. Paranormal Activity
Paranormal Activity was what 99.9% of horror movies aren't: scary. Love it or hate it, everyone agrees that Micah is a huge douche who got what was coming to him.

9. Star Trek
I was nervous when I heard they were "rebooting" the Star Trek franchise. The original series characters have been around for 40+ years, so this had the potential to be a disaster. I'm pleased to say not only wasn't it a disaster, its a fantastic Star Trek movie. The people in charge of casting did a great job picking actors who could convey the essence of the character without doing a Shatner or Nimoy impression. Uhura has never looked better.

8. Taken
Taken is a classic revenge movie with Liam Neeson taking on the Charles Bronson role. His daughter is kidnapped in Paris and he sets out to find her and make the kidnappers pay. Man do they pay...

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine isn't the most interesting X-Men character but his origin story made for a solid installment in the series. I actually like him quite a bit more now. I really hope we see an X-Men Origins: Magneto someday.

6. Angels & Demons
Dan Brown isn't a particularly good writer. I knew exactly where The DaVinci Code was going about an hour and a half before it finally went there. He manages to redeem himself somewhat with Angels & Demons. There isn't much substance here, but like some of the other movies on this list I can't discount pure entertainment. Ewan McGregor as a priest will give Catholic girls (and some boys) impure thoughts for years to come.

5. The Road
The Road is good in that it stays mostly true to the book. Of course, that means its two of the most depressing hours you'll ever spend at the movies. Don't be surprised if Viggo Mortensen gets an Oscar nomination for his role as "The Man".

4. District 9
District 9 is one of the most unique sci-fi movies out there. The aliens have come to earth, but they're ill and their broken spaceship takes residence over Johannesburg. The South Africans take them in, but cluster them in a ghetto. Nice of them eh? The film is action packed and actually allows the viewer to form a real emotional connection with the hideous aliens nicknamed "prawns".

3. (500) Days of Summer
One of these little indie movies comes out every year and catches fire with critics and audiences. (500) Days of Summer is even better than some of the others in recent years like Juno and Little Miss Sunshine. Every man can relate to Tom who falls in love with Summer because we've all known that bitch in real life.

2. Avatar
This movie is actually depressing people because they can't be Na'vi and live on Pandora. I liked it and wouldn't mind being tall, perpetually fit, and able to commune with nature like the Na'vi, but it really is just a movie. Its also an incredible technical achievement though, which is good because there are enough clichés in here to fill the Grand Canyon. As I write this, Avatar has made $1.4 billion dollars worldwide.

1. Knowing
Knowing is the movie Nic Cage has been working toward his entire career. Cage plays Dr. John Koestler, an MIT Astrophysics professor, single dad, and atheist whose son comes into possession of a paper covered in numbers written by a crazy girl fifty years earlier and placed in a time capsule at the local elementary school. Upon closer inspection, Koestler notices the numbers correspond to a series of disasters during that fifty year time frame. It may sound a bit over the top, but the Cage man brings it home.

The whisper people are friggin creepy.

American Idol 2010...Oh Yes, Its Back

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, American Idol is back and Ellen Degeneres still sucks.

First, lets get the business out of the way. As you have no doubt heard, Simon Cowell is leaving the show after this year. So, no Paula, no Simon - is it still Idol? Probably not.

They kick off as they always do, with auditions. The auditions are the worst part of the show and to get things rolling, they have crazy muffin-top girl jumping around and killing Natasha Bedingfield. Hasn't this gotten old by now? Just cut to the people with some talent.

Tonight's guest judge is Victoria Beckham. I guess they're waiting until later to unveil the suck of Ellen. David's wife is more and more bizarre looking every time I see here. Tonight she appears to be made of wax. This is known as "The Schwarzenegger".

Back to Ellen for a minute. I still don't understand what she brings to the table. She's not funny and knows nothing about music. Since they were going for someone outside of the music industry, they should have picked Sir Charles Barkley. Hearing him rip into contestants would be pure entertainment.

These auditions are just terrible. I'm about 40 minutes in right now and I don't think I can stomach much more. Its probably time for video games...