Skynet: California

Friday, May 28, 2010

Sparklecados: Day 93

One of the Sparklecados is going strong. One is...not. Its not dead, it just can't seem to bust out of its shell. No sparkling yet.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Tonight we get to discover what annoying new voice will start either being blared at Jr. High dances across the nation or fade into relative obscurity with most of the past winners.

I missed the first ten minutes due to the need to clean sushi rice out from behind my finger nails. Don't ask; things can get wild around here sometimes.

Kris Allen is performing. The first several seconds of the performance were blared over by Seacrest's open mic, along with a stupid, "Is it open?" God, I hope the rest of the show is that clusterfucked. It would make this more bearable.

We are having a montage about Simon. Nobody is going to watch this show once he leaves.

Siobhan and Aaron Kelly are singing a duet. They are singing "How Deep is Your Love" by and with the BeeGees. Siobhan sounds awesome and should have won this season. Funny enough, the song stopped sounding good once the BeeGees themselves started singing along. I guess some things don't improve with age. I forgot how much I like this song. There are videos somewhere of me dancing to it in a diaper with one shoe on. Fortunately, these videos are not recent.

Now Big Mike is singing "Taking it to the Streets" with Michael McDonald. It's mercifully short, but Governor X says it's like passing a kidney stone. My dad passed a kidney stone once. He wept.

Some dipshit that probably works for the Renaissance Faire during the summer is singing a song about all the insults Simon has hurled over the years. He needs tights.

All the lady contestants of this season are singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." If this show doesn't stop spitting on songs I like, I'm going to write a firmly worded letter to someone. Now they are singing Aguilera's "Fighter." It's like they hacked my Ipod for song inspiration. Now Christina is onstage. Fap, or whatever the female equivalent is.

Next are all the idol blokes singing together with Hall and Oates. I really have nothing to say about this other than that grown men should not dance in formation. Nobody should, really.

Crystal is singing with Alanis Morissette. They changed some of the lyrics to be family friendly. I really don't approve of that, but I like Alanis so this is decent.

Carrie Underwood is onstage now. I wonder what song encouraging the destruction of private property she will belt out tonight.

Lee and Crystal helped create custom designs for the Ford Fiesta. Ford just gave them cars of their own sporting said designs. I guess they must have a great deal of faith in these kids' abilities to succeed, since they think they will actually need some cheapass cars.

Casey is singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn" with Bret Michaels. I wonder if Aguilera is the only current artist they plan on having tonight.

Lee is singing with Chicago. I had a crummy cassette of Chicago I used to play in my car when I was 16. I'm ashamed of myself.

There was just some montage of Simon fondling his own breasts and waking up next to Randy. I thought it was really stupid until I saw it was followed by a performance of "Pants on the Ground." I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Paula Abdul is now onstage in what looks like a dress made out of cotton candy to give a farewell speech to Simon. She's not funny, but she's trying. I'm just grateful she didn't sing.

The past idol winners have come together for a group song. Their backup chorus is made up of all the top ten contestants of yesteryear they could dig up. This is so fucking awful I may have to go destroy something beautiful to feel normal again.

The top ten are singing with Janet Jackson in what I can only assume and hope is the closing act before the results are revealed. Janet looks nice, though her hair is a bit short and shiny for my tastes. It looks like she used shoe polish on it. If you close your eyes, she sounds like her brother singing. Creepy.

Lee and Crystal are singing "With a Little Help From My Friends" with Joe Cocker. What would we do if you sang out of tune? Obviously we would vote you both to the top two, sillies!

Lee DeWyze is the next American Idol. Crystal looks really surprised. I don't think she or Lee expected him to win. Lee is now closing the show out by diddling "Beautiful Day" in the ass again. Fuck this show.

A-Wooooooo!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

American Idol Season Finale

Finally, the ponderous slog through this awful season is drawing to a close. We are down to Lee and Crystal, boring vs. boar, in what is sure to be a completely anticlimactic battle. There are to be three rounds this time, the first one a rehash of a previous performance, the second a random choice, and the third is what single the winner will release.

Lee starts off the night by singing "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel again. It is absolutely tedious, and this is coming from a woman who adores the song. He looks stoned and clueless, like he doesn't know where the hell he is when he's singing.

Crystal answers Lee's outdated song with one of her own, "Me and Bobby McGee." This is another song I like, and while she isn't perfect, she avoids screaming and looks alert. Her dreadful grill is still distracting me. I wonder if her breath smells like rotting meat?

Round two: Fight! Lee is performing R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." This is horrendous. Everybody listening to this horseshit certainly hurts. We here at Skynet have a great love for R.E.M. Lee's whining, monotone voice is destroying something wholesome and pure. I don't think this guy has any testicles.

Crystal has decided to go with something we only hear 500 times every Idol audition: "Black Velvet." Really? I guess it might sound pretty darn good, but I just cannot get past this horrible song choice. Also, Crystal is wearing what looks like a hefty bag. Hot.

The third round is nigh. Lee is doing a cover of U2's "Beautiful Day." If you are remotely familiar with Skynet and its writers, you understand that Lee may now be in terrible danger for daring to publicly molest a U2 song in this manner. He sounds terrible; he can't stay on key and his voice is nasally.

For the final performance of the night, Crystal has chosen something I have never heard before called "Up to the Mountain." Sorry, Governor X, but this actually sounds pretty damn good. I may be biased because of my new-found seething hatred for Lee and all that he loves, and I certainly wouldn't voluntarily play this tune in my car, but I am calling Bowersox for the win this year.