American Idol Update: Week 2

Welcome back to Skynet where we're following American Idol Season 35 or whatever it is now. Alexis, Danny, and Michael snuck through last week. Danny and Michael were truly awful, so Alexis' tepid performance seems good by comparison.

No time to point out how much Fantasia sucks today, lets get right into it. Here's my round-up of the karaoke followed by the Paulaism of the week:

Jasmine Murray - Shouldn't the Billboard Top 100 be songs that people know? I don't recall ever hearing this before. I'm going to guess whoever sang it originally wasn't trying this hard though. Typical lame start to the show.

Matt Giraud - He's a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo, whatever the hell that is. Viva la Vida by Coldplay with a dash of faux whiteboy wannabe soul. Birthing a yard gnome probably wouldn't be as painful as this. We have an early contender for tonight's worst.

Jeanine Vailes - Jeanine is a transvestite right? Definitely getting a Ru Paul vibe here. Bad singer too. Like Bobby Jindal bad. Even Paula can't say anything good about this performance and she's completely hopped up on digitalis and vicodin right now.

Nick Mitchell - The comedian is performing as alter ego Norman Gentle. Too bad for him he's about as funny as a bag of dead puppies. I can't even give him points for being bad. It doesn't count if you try to suck.

Allison Iraheta - The obnoxious sixteen year old who sounds like she's been smoking for sixty years attempts to sing Heart's Alone. She's OK, but the stage act has got to go. Her total disdain for Seacrest is refreshing though.

Kris Allen - I can't find the words to describe how boring this guy is. This must be what being thrown in "the hole" in prison is like. Just sitting there rocking yourself and going insane, staring blankly at the bare walls...

Megan Corkrey - Her son is named Ryder. That's a truck rental company, not a name. What the hell is wrong with people? I hate the song she's singing so much I can't give you an honest opinion on her.

Matt Breitzke - Shockingly enough, we may actually have our first good singer of the new season. It only took two weeks and twenty people or so. The judges still think he can sing but don't like the song. Oh well.

Jesse Langseth - You know she's interesting when her label is "the single mom". She has a very prominent forehead. Utterly forgettable. I think I'm back in "the hole".

Kai Kalama - He starts out singing OK, but then it just deteriorates and goes nowhere. He's also way too much of a dude. We already have one Jack Johnson and that's one too many since we all know his music will cause random post office and restaurant shootings one day.

Mishavonna Henson - Any day I don't hear Drops of Jupiter, it's been a good day. No such luck this noche.

Adam Lambert - This guy is emo, but wears a lot of Mr. T bling. The only thing more confused than his look is his sexuality. To top it off, his version of Satisfaction is so horrendous Mick Jagger died just so he could roll over in his grave.

The two hour idol marathons have got to stop. Does Fox really not have anything else to put on? God help you if you watch the results show, that means three hours of your week is devoted to this crap. At least two good singers slipped in the mix tonight. I can only assume this is an oversight on the producers' part. For those of you voting for the worst, I suggest Matt Giraud and his Vanilla Ice Viva la Vida performance. If you want to vote for someone good, you actually have a guy and a girl this week. Matt Breitzke and Allison Iraheta both showed some promise. And now, here's tonight's Paulaism. GOVERNOR X OUT.

I think you can sing the telephone book.

Bobby Jindal - Are You Kidding Me?

America went on a blind date with Republican Governor and 2012 Presidential aspirant Bobby Jindal of Louisiana last night, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say we won't be calling him back. Oh, the GOP might. That ideological-purity-in-the-face-of-harsh-economic-reality delivered with an aw-shucks Gomer Pyle grin and goofy accent is just what the party of Palin is in the market for these days, so he may be their man.

If you missed it, consider yourself lucky. If you saw it, you were probably wondering like I was how President Obama could say "we do not torture" literally minutes before Jindal went on the air. I think Lynndie England was pointing at me while I was watching it. Just what was wrong with it? You can read it in its entirety here, but here are the highlights:

When they arrived in Baton Rouge, my mother was already 4-½-months pregnant. I was what folks in the insurance industry now call a "pre-existing condition."

If I were a Republican with no healthcare reform plan beyond defending the private insurance companies who deny folks with pre-existing conditions healthcare, I probably wouldn't have used those words.

Republicans are ready to work with the new president to provide those solutions.

Three of them in the Senate anyway.

So where we agree, Republicans must be the president's strongest partners. And where we disagree, Republicans have a responsibility to be candid and offer better ideas for a path forward.

Why yes, yes they do Governor. You guys are welcome to offer your ideas any day now. All I hear are "tax cuts" and "no".

Today in Washington, some are promising that government will rescue us from the economic storms raging all around us.

Those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina -- we have our doubts.

Republicans bringing up the failed response to Hurricane Katrina is always good for Democrats. It saves us time and energy.

During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine. When I walked into his makeshift office, I'd never seen him so angry. He was yelling into the phone: "Well, I'm the Sheriff and if you don't like it you can come and arrest me!" I asked him: "Sheriff, what's got you so mad?" He told me that he had put out a call for volunteers to come with their boats to rescue people who were trapped on their rooftops by the floodwaters. The boats were all lined up ready to go, when some bureaucrat showed up and told them they couldn't go out on the water unless they had proof of insurance and registration. I told him, "Sheriff, that's ridiculous." And before I knew it, he was yelling into the phone: "Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him too!" Harry just told the boaters to ignore the bureaucrats and go start rescuing people.

Great little story, except that the timeline doesn't add up.

While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending.

This is about to get good...

It includes $300 million to buy new cars for the government,

It may just be me, but buying cars from US automakers seems a lot more responsible than simply handing them money to stay afloat.

$8 billion for high-speed rail projects, such as a "magnetic levitation" line from Las Vegas to Disneyland

Money is not allocated to any such project.

and $140 million for something called "volcano monitoring." Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C.

Beyond the sad fact that the Governor of Louisiana of all people is mocking money set aside for disaster preparedness, Jindal seems totally unaware that active volcanoes can be found up and down the Pacific coast of the US. In fact, the Seattle and Portland metropolitan areas and the nearly 6 million people that live there sit in the shadows of Mt. Ranier and Mt. Hood respectively.

After that, my eyes pretty much glazed over and I could bear no more. I only picked up one last gem from the Governor:

In my home state, there used to be saying: At any given time, half of Louisiana was said to be half under water, and the other half is under indictment.

Pointing out your state is a historically corrupt swamp is probably great for the tourism industry.

So that's it. That's the bright future of the Republican Party. Enjoy living under Democratic rule because I don't think its changing any time soon. Frankly, the Republicans are a Palin/Jindal 2012 ticket away from joining the Whig's in the history books.

AEB: In-store Advertising Rights

The San Francisco promotional company I worked for was trying to advertise a new client's nightclub to increase door sales.
Expensive flyers - no problem. Good placement? Always a problem. Telephone posts, car windshield wipers, drops in other clubs... these areas are overused and crappy. Plus, anytime you stick up a poster it's either illegal or immediately covered up by another poster.

Wouldn't it be great to stick posters with a stack of flyers in local businesses? Undisturbed, no weather, and a tie-in the the local community.

1. The target: A divey pizza shop with good foot traffic and wall space for advertising.
2. The bait: "Create a website to grow your business."
3. The loan: IT resources to create website. How to pay? We just want to put website banner ads up. However, you have to market this website otherwise it won't get traffic and our time will have been wasted. Deal?
   
4. The failure: The site doesn't get traffic. You blame their marketing.
5. The return: What to do? You get in-store advertising rights until the site traffic picks up.

Hurray! In store posters! and it just took a few hours setting up some crappy website.

There were a few other tricks and advantages taken that I didn't include in the summary. You'll always want to explore every angle to slice the most pie out of your tasty less-developed targets.

Amateur Empire Building

In Confessions of an Economic Hitman, author John Perkins lays out some very smart tactics on the exploitation of small countries.
Here is the short version:

1. Find a poor country with tasty natural resources.
2. Sell them on industrialization as means of rapid economic development.
3. Loan them the money to industrialize.
4. The scheme fails because you exaggerated the benefits of industrialization! They don't have the money to pay you back.
5. Take their natural resources as payment.

There are lots of neat tricks to finesse even more profit out of this situation. For example: require funds be spent only on US construction firms. Most of these are advanced tactics which we can discuss after the basics are established.

So how does one without the money to loan take advantage of these teachings?
Basically you are getting someone to make a promise that they can't keep, and then collecting something else you wanted in return.

Stay tuned for a couple of examples from my own life in the world of Small-Business USA.

American Idol Update

Its been a month since American Idol returned, but even with three shows a week they haven't really done anything yet. That changed Tuesday as the auditions and gimmicky Hollywood Week drama are finally over and the karaoke started for real. All is right with the world: Paula is clearly doped up on booze and painkillers and the sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is as intense as ever. I'm also happy to announce the envelopes full of white powder from Fantasia's fan (she only has the one) have stopped coming.

Tonight's theme is songs of the Billboard Hot 100...of all time. Way to narrow it down. Why even have a theme? On to the contestants. If I understand the new rules correctly, nine of these slack jawed assholes are going home:

Jackie Tohn - ...and they're off. Off to a horrific start too! Jackie sings a terrible Elvis song so poorly I thought a giraffe was dying. To top it off, she looks like she should be buying Skoal at an Albuquerque 7-11 at 3am after pleasuring truckers at the Super 8.

Ricky Braddy - The man with the fauxhawk busts out some fauxsoul. Simon correctly points out he has the personality of a jar of peanut butter.

Alexis Grace - This girl is kind of cute, but three contestants in and I've already had it with white people singing soul music. Who has Paula in the death league? She's babbling incoherently again. Something about big sound in a small body. Her overdose may come before next season.

Brent Keith - First his video won't load and then he sings something called "Hicktown". White trash opera. Live's Shit Town would have been better. FAIL.

Stevie Wright - She was 9 when the show started. God damn I feel old. She could also be Bristol Palin's stunt double. I have no clue what she's singing, but its not bad. Of course the judges hate it. Apparently they're looking for crap. Oh yeah, Fantasia won this contest. They are looking for crap.

Anoop Desai - I'm not sure, but I think this guy played Kumar. The first real dose of AM radio schlock of the night. What 22 year old picks Angel of Mine? One who wants granny panties thrown at him in Laughlin, that's who.

Casey Carlson - Oh joy, a Police song. The Elaine Benes dancing isn't going to help her chances either. When Paula says its bad, you know its bad. She's toast.

Michael Sarver - Big dumb Okie singing a big dumb country song. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich - Malkovich? She's pretty agreeable looking - unfortunately her song Natural Woman reminds me of a tampon commercial. Ted Danson is in the audience. He'll be this season's crying girl.

Stephen Fowler - How the hell does a guy who forgets the words to the song make it to the contest? Lame. Not as lame as his version of Rock With You though.

Tatiana Del Toro - She's an attention whore, so I'm going to talk about something else. Ryan Seacrest is creepy. His "natural" interaction with the contestants and judges is so freakishly rehearsed its possible he is a robot. A gay robot.

Danny Gokey - Hero by Mariah Carey. Are you fucking kidding me dude? Paula busts out the quote of the night: "I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas." Okay then.

Wow. That was a terrible opening night. If you're voting for the worst, then there are plenty of choices for you. For my money it doesn't get any worse than Jackie's tornado bait white trash Elvis homage. If you want to vote for someone good, I don't know what to tell you. Stevie was the least awful singer of the night I guess. Hopefully next week is better.

I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas.

NBA All Star Game Highs & Lows

Last night, the West beat the East 146-119 in the NBA's annual All Star Game. Kobe Bryant and Shaq split the MVP honors. Here are the highs and lows, somewhat grouped by theme:

High - Craig Sager's pink sofa fabric coat.
The first thing I see when I turn TNT on is pimptastic Craig Sager decked out in a pink sport coat which could have been made out of my late great-grandmother's curtains or sofa. Get me the number of that man's tailor.

Low - Endless discussion of Allen Iverson's hair.
When someone with short hair gets a haircut, its not news. Frankly, when anyone gets a haircut it isn't news. Unless it's Britney Spears shaving her head. Then it's celebrity gossip. Either way, keep it off my basketball broadcast.

High - Jordin Sparks singing the national anthem.
Since she already sings it at every major sporting event in Arizona, I suggest we just let her do it before all big games held throughout the year. No one out there today does it better.

Low - Grant Hill's wife singing Oh Canada in French.
Hearing Oh Canada before the game is bad enough, but hearing it in French? In Phoenix? No. Just no. Damned Canadians with their flapping heads and beady eyes...

High - Shaq's entrance.
Shaq has always been of my favorites, even when he was on the friggin Lakers and his goofy entrance wearing a mask and dancing with JabbaWockeeZ got the evening off to a fun start.

Low - H-O-R-S-E becoming G-E-I-C-O.
I was genuinely excited when I heard the NBA was bringing H-O-R-S-E to All Star weekend. Then I heard they sold out to Geico and that bloody British lizard. One day I'll see his little green head on a pike.

High - Dwight Howard
Dwight Howard has quickly become one of my favorite players in the league and his performance in the dunk contest and in the game were spectacular as expected. He got robbed in the dunk contest though. Hard to top last year's Superman I guess.

Low - Third straight All Star snub of Deron Williams.
In his short NBA career, Williams has already proven to be one of the finest young guards in the game. With Boozer and AK47 out, Williams' has practically carried the Jazz on his shoulders. The absence of this kid in the All Star game is a disgrace.

High - An opportunity to appreciate Kobe Bryant.
When you're a Lakers hater in Lakers country, you don't get many opportunities to admit Kobe can be fun to watch. Here's my chance. Kobe is fun to watch. Some of the moves he makes defy the laws of physics as I know them.

Low - Tim Duncan and Tony Parker-Longoria
In contrast with Kobe and most of the other All Stars, Tim Duncan is like watching a snail ooze its way across the sidewalk after a spring rainstorm. He's so boring I just fell asleep writing about him. Tony Parker-Longoria? Well, I just don't like him. Listen to his French rap and you won't like him either.

High - The game itself.
The NBA's All Star game is the only one in the three major sports that is worth watching. For pure fun, it can't be beat. MLB took every bit of fun out of theirs when they "made it count" and also, as an NL fan, not winning one since 'Nam has grown tiresome. The NFL's Pro-Bowl is a complete sham. Half the guys don't show up and then they ones who do play like two series. Nuts to that.

The NBA has it right. The game is pure entertainment. Its our chance to watch the league's best (minus Deron Williams) run around having fun and dropping 120+ on each other. Better still? The coaches let the big guys play most of the game. If you didn't watch it, you missed out.

Game photos were found on Daylife.com.

Distrubing Photos of Gene Wilder

Governor X's Kitchen: Fried Rice

This week the Governor is back in the kitchen cooking up the perfect dish for any gaijin who wants to impress his little China Girl (just you shut your mouth...SHHHHHHHHHHH).

After the rousing success of tequila lime chicken, I'm going to try another favorite. Today's recipe is lazy man's fried rice. The inspirational chef for today's dish is none other than snuff porn aficionado and host of the original Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga. He is not, as the legends claim, dead from fugu poisoning.

To make this you are going to need 2 cups of rice, olive oil, 2 eggs, a shallot, a green onion, soy sauce and oyster sauce, so hop on the bike and battle off to Whole Foods to make sure you have everything.

Cook up a batch of plain white rice the night before. This is the perfect thing to do around midnight after two or three cans of Tecate. Your neighbors will probably think you're a stoner, but if you're reading this blog, you probably are. Rice can be deceptively hard to make, but do your best. Boil 3 cups of water and then stir in 2 cups of dry rice. Putting a drop of oil in the water helps keep the rice from sticking. Cover and simmer, stirring periodically, until the rice is moist and the water is gone. Fifteen minutes ought to be sufficient. This will yield generous amounts to use for the next day's fried rice. Refrigerate it and do whatever it is you do until dinner the next day. Me? I stayed up drinking more beer, passed out around 3, woke up around 10, and read a book about food rationing in Cuba.

The first thing you need to do is finely chop one green onion and grate 1/4th of the shallot. When that is done, beat the two eggs. Put a little oil in the pan and warm, pouring the eggs in when ready. Scramble them. This should take no more than 2-3 minutes. Don't let the egg get rubbery. When they're ready, remove the pan from the heat.

Recipes always say to use a wok, but I don't have one. A large non-stick pot worked just fine. Put a little oil in the bottom of the pan and warm. Dump your cooked rice in and start breaking it up. When its no longer clumpy, add about 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce and stir in. Then add soy sauce. I can't really be specific as to how much. I pour enough in to make the rice brown after I stirred it in, but you can certainly add more. Enjoy the high blood pressure though. Keep stirring the rice for a minute or so, then add the scrambled egg, green onion, and shallot. Stir it all together for a few minutes with the heat to thoroughly mix the flavors and you're ready to go.

You can add anything you want beyond this. Personally, I pick most of the shit they add like carrots out anyway, so I find it delicious like this. You can always pre-cook chicken, shrimp, or any other meat and mix that in as well. Its your call. Now fuck off...

Governor X's Kitchen: Tequila Lime Chicken

With boredom beginning to consume my life, I have recently decided to be somewhat productive and learn how to cook. This man here, Chef Gordon Ramsay, is my inspiration. I've grown absolutely addicted to his various shows on BBC America and his cursing is impressive and legendary. He is prone to making some strange dishes like pigeon salad and his love of scallops borders on sexual, so with rare exceptions, I'm not going to be trying his recipes right off the bat. For one, where the hell am I going to buy pigeon meat? Instead I will be focusing on my favorites, and to kick things off I had a go at tequila lime chicken, one of the finest dishes to be found on a Mexican menu.

I began the process by reviewing a variety of recipes online and taking bits from one or the other, based on my own tastes and what is available in the kitchen, to come up with a coherent plan. So after getting some chicken breasts and lime at the store, I was ready to start cooking. I was pretty excited, even if you aren't while reading this.

No one ever really tells you the nuts and bolts of cooking. How do you mix all this shit together? I remembered I had a food processor, which has literally never been used in the 8 years or so that I've owned it, so I opted to toss all of the following ingredients in there and hack it into a chunky salsa like liquid:

1/4 cup tequila
1 lime (interior only – no peel)
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 dash Mexican seasoning

I used 1800 Reserva Reposado because the bottle was full, but I doubt it matters much. Every recipe I saw called for lime juice, but I opted to use the entire lime. This made enough for about three chicken breasts. After marinading the chicken for a couple hours, I tossed them on the grill. To have with the chicken, I made some grilled squash using this Food Network recipe.

The chicken and squash turned out perfectly. Using the food processor and a real lime was a great decision because it gave the taste on the chicken a bit of texture. I'd never grilled squash either, but I can see it becoming a staple. This dinner was positively delicious. For my first hack, I'm exceedingly pleased with the results. So far, this is my signature dish. It is my only dish too I realize. Whatever. As Gordon would say, now fuck off...

I need to work on presentation, but the taste was superb.