The Super Bowl is going to suck

Last year, for the first time in my life, the Super Bowl had meaning. I've suffered with the Cardinals for years and it finally paid off last season when the almost won the game. It was a rough day on me. Every play made my heart skip a beat and I ultimately ended up angry and depressed for about a week after the game. I'm sure its better if you win.

This year, I'm back to not really caring about the outcome of the game. I can't just sit back and enjoy it though because I really don't want either one of these teams to win.

Indianapolis Colts

First, f the Colts. They had a chance to shut the bitter old farts of the 72 Dolphins up once and for all, but they decided to quit. They will never be forgiven for that. In addition to that, I've loathed this team for years. I don't know why. Even that stupid horseshoe on the helmet bugs me. I can't root for these assholes.

New Orleans Saints

I kind of resent the fact that I'm expected to root for this team because New Orleans was hit by a hurricane five years ago. A Super Bowl trophy isn't going to rebuild the lower ninth ward or bring the thousands of people who died in that terrible storm back to life. Its just going to make a few drunks in the French Quarter happy. Also, "WHO DAT" annoys the hell out of me. I don't get why its catchy or clever and I'm tired of hearing it. No, I can't root for these people either.

The Who

The halftime show has been getting worse and worse since Janet Jackson's nipple was exposed for a nanosecond a few years ago. Organizers keep dusting off dinosaur bands to perform a greatest hits medley that won't offend Grandma Farnsworth in Fargo. This year its The Who, a band that hasn't been relevant since the Nixon administration. Next year, in an effort to play it even more safe, the halftime show will be a hologram of Frank Sinatra. No, I'm not looking forward to this.

Commercials

Commercials suck, but somehow our society has gotten so twisted that people actually look forward to Super Bowl commercials. Its gotten so bad that for the last two weeks we've been inundated with commercials trying to build up hype for Super Bowl commercials. To make things even worse this year, hillbilly and devoted Jesusfreak Tim Tebow will appear in an anti-abortion ad with his mother who thinks she knows better than her doctor. Keep in mind, CBS is airing this ad the same year they turned down a gay dating site's ad to avoid controversy - since as we all know, abortion is totally not controversial at all. No, I'm not excited about the commercials either.

So that's that. The game is going to suck, the halftime show is going to suck, and I don't care about the commercials. Lame. The Colts will win, probably pretty easily, and I will respond by farting in their general direction.

Adios Kurt

Future Hall of Fame quarterback and bible aficionado Kurt Warner retired today, devastating Arizona Cardinals fans everywhere. Before we talk about the suddenly bleak future of the Cards, a quick look back at Kurt's career (the short short version).

Kurt came out of a grocery store in Iowa to resurrect the Rams, winning two MVP awards and leading the long suffering franchise to a Superbowl victory. The Rams opted to throw him away shortly thereafter to go with Mark Bulger (how'd that work out for you?), so he went to New York, where in spite of not playing poorly, somehow lost his job to the less douchey Manning, Eli.

From there, Kurt would turn to the bible and emulate his hero Moses by wandering around the desert for a few years (I think it was Moses - I don't follow hockey). Fortunately for long suffering Arizona Cardinals fans, he wandered right into University of Phoenix Stadium and took the starting job away from party boy Fatty Natty Ice Leinart. With the best receiving corps in the game, Kurt again led a historically awful franchise to the Superbowl, coming within a pact-with-the-devil good catch by Santonio Holmes of winning. Kurt led the team to another NFC West victory this year and won the most amazing playoff game ever 51-45 over the Packers before the total lack of defense caught up with them. Today he walked away from the game with 2 MVP awards (and a couple MVP worthy seasons), a Superbowl victory, and the top 3 Superbowl passing performances of all time.

Now...the Cardinals. Lets just take Leinart as the starter off the table now please. He's proven he's awful, sailing passes, throwing picks, and generally playing so poorly in mop up duty the team often had to put Warner back in. Get him out of here. Send him to Seattle before Pete Carroll realizes he sucks.

The Cardinals need to set their sights on beleaguered Philly QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb already lives in Arizona and has put up amazing numbers throughout the years without more than one quality receiver at a time. Bring him to Arizona and let him throw up MVP numbers slinging the ball to Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Breaston. Look, Philly is populated by assholes. They're never going to appreciate what McNabb has done for that city. Cardinals fans have a taste of winning now and we like it. Donovan is our best bet to continue the team's winning ways.