Friday, May 29, 2009

The Southern Grocery Store

A grocery store in the South is basically the same as the ones we have out west, but they have some interesting items in them. Here are a couple of the more interesting items I've stumbled across:

"Ham Bits" & other unrefrigerated pork parts - Both the Piggly Wiggly and Super Walmart have a rack near the meat section filled with strange pork parts. "Ham Bits" and "Pork Ends" sit out in vacuum packing at room temperature, daring the Steve-O's of the world to eat them. I've been told the ham bits are used for flavoring, and may have come across some in a dish of green beans the other night. Think flavorless bacon.

Chitterlings - Pig intestines. Enough said.

Pork Rinds - Of course, these aren't unique to the South, but they are a lot more prominent here. I'd never actually had one before so I picked up a 50 cent bag to give it a try. The best description I can give is salty packing foam. I won't be trying these again.

Livers & Gizzards - Back home, this stuff goes in the trash or in thrown in a pot for the dogs if Grandma feels particularly ambitious while cooking thanksgiving dinner. You can not only buy them in the store here, but you can actually walk into a diner and order up a plate of them. I wasn't 100% sure what a gizzard was, so I went to Wikipedia. Sounds tame enough...an organ used to aid in digestion. Then I saw this picture. Puke.

Smoked Turkey Necks - Not just a sack of smoked turkey necks, but a family size sack of smoked turkey necks. I don't think the necks even make it into the dog's thanksgiving stew. How do they eat these things? I imagine some cow of a woman gnawing on a turkey neck while her 8 filthy kids run around the house raising hell.

Fat Kelly sez "Turkey necks go good with a tub of sour cream!"

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Skynet: Carolina?

If you are over the age of five, you could probably figure out that Skynet: California is a California based blog. Temporarily though, I will be hailing from the Outer Banks of North Carolina. An extended period of time in the South is going to prove to be an interesting time, so when things pop up worth reporting, I'll bring them to you. Right now, I've been here about two days and I've already noticed a lot of weird stuff going on.

Locked double doors - When a business has double doors at an entrance, the left one is almost always locked. The lone exception so far has been my hotel. This isn't really a problem when you're entering the business, but when you're leaving you'll try to push open the locked door.

Food - The food is a little odd. At the Walmart, I happened upon a family size package of smoked turkey necks. WTF? Back at home, Grandma gives those to the dogs on Thanksgiving. There also seems to be a tendency to fry everything. My dinner last night consisted off fried clams, fried fish, hushpuppies (fried), and french fries. Instead of Carl's, they have Hardee's. Same happy star, different food. Hardee's is like Carl's slow witted, heavy set brother. They have a western bacon cheeseburger like Carl's, but here it only comes in the 1/3rd pound variety. Also on the menu? A pork chop & gravy on a biscuit.

Culture - Out here on the coast, there isn't much of a Sling Blade factor, but it does pop up here and there. Mostly though, the people are just friendly. Like freakishly so. Coming from California, the land of rude assholes, I'm always shocked when people elsewhere are polite. On the plane coming back here, everyone was so friendly and talkative I assumed they were drunk.

Its not all smiles and "how ya doin'" though. There are some disturbing trends. Stores have piles and piles of Mountain Dew. "No shirt, no shoes, no service" is actually a relevant sign here. Restaurants ask if you want smoking or non. There was an add for lawnmower races.

Perhaps most disturbing of all though is the beach. The concept of shame hasn't made its way down here yet. There are rolls hanging out everywhere and no one cares. I suppose this is probably for the best, but it takes a bit of adjustment. The "who cares" attitude did allow me to remove my shirt at the beach and expose my scrawny yet pasty white torso to the sun. I now have a red torso...

Overall, so far so good. Its green and the weather isn't too oppressively hot yet. The hurricanes won't start lashing the shore for another couple months either. Keep reading for more updates.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Terminator: Salvation was OK

At long last, the new Terminator movie was released this week and while not bad, it was certainly disappointing.

You probably know the general plot by now. Its the future, John Connor has grown up and is fighting in the resistance against the machines. This time around Skynet is up to their old tricks of trying to kill John's father before he can get it on with Linda Hamilton, but they've got a new secret weapon.

Its a fairly solid plot and should carry the movie adequately, but one of the problems is that the filmmakers never go any deeper. Numerous questions are left unanswered and swept under the rug with explosions and nods to the first three movies. Characters are left undeveloped, simply dropped in here or there for no other reason than to move the story along.

You have the terminators we all know and love, but they've added some newer models. Some are OK, but others would be more at home in Transformers 2. We finally see Skynet Headquarters, but it looks more like an oil refinery than the home base of a machine society (remember how awesome the machine city in Matrix: Revolutions was?).

Are you noting the pattern? Lots of "buts". There are a lot of problems with this movie. At the same time I can't sit here and say I didn't enjoy it because I did. I would recommend it to Terminator junkies like myself, but the casual fan probably shouldn't waste their time.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

American Idol Update: Finale/Ha-Ha Look at You Edition

The 2009 American Idol is...NOT Adam Lambert!

Cooler heads wearing less eyeliner prevailed and Kris Allen won the contest. In a feat that would have made Mayor Daly proud, Kris managed to get 38 million votes from Arkansas, a state with less than 3 million people.

The finale (part 2 of it) was a true cavalcade of crap. All the old people you voted off made their triumphant return to torment us with their "singing" (or cawing as the case may be). For good measure, Idol went and raided the recording industry's rest home and forced poor old men Lionel Richie, KISS, Steve Martin, and what appeared to be a wax figure of Rod Stewart up on stage to perform.

Some other highlights...

The Black Eyed Peas performed their latest nonsensical yet irresistible hit Boom Boom Pow. Fergie seems to be some sort of Frankenstein now. The insane bag lady hair and face don't match the supermodel body.

In yet another attempt to upstage Bikini Girl, Kara sings with her and strips down on stage.

"Norman Gentle" returned. Now that waterboarding is illegal, terrorists are being forced to watch his comedy routine until they break. Khalid Sheik Muhammad lasted 6 minutes before crying like a girl.

Poking fun at cripples everywhere, Idol forces the blind guy to dance during the group performance numbers.

So that's it for Idol. Good riddance for now, but come back soon.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

American Idol Finale Part 1 Live Blog

Somewhere in San Diego, a disgruntled blogger tunes in to Idol for the last time this season. Mostly happy to be free of the burden, he is now faced with a question: What the hell is he going to blog about after this debacle is over?

8:00 Idol begins. The intro is epic in an appropriately dumb Idol sort of way. It says we’re live, but we all know we’re not. Those assholes back east already saw this and voted en masse for Adam. Boo.

8:04 The two twats are introduced and Seacrest rattles something off about Kris winning a coin toss and the three innocent songs they get to rape this week. Even though Kris won the toss, he’s going 2nd. Are you riveted? No, I didn’t think so.

8:10 Oh god help us all. Adam is going to sing Mad World again. Stage fog surrounds him! OMGLOLZ. Wow. For the first time this season he didn’t shriek to end the song. You know what? He still sucks though.

8:13 Kara still wants some of that Adam cock. Not gonna happen Ma’am.

8:15 Kris’ back story. Oh joy. He likes dem French fried potaters. Mmmm hmmm.

8:16 “Ain’t No Sunshine” I have no snide comment. It must be OK.

8:25 Adam’s 2nd performance…”Change is Gonna Come” I have no fucking clue what song this is. I’m going to guess Adam is ruining it somehow though. God damn it…he’s shrieking the entire song this time to make up for the subdued Mad World performance.

8:29 Must be cold in there. Paula’s nipple is showing. The judges may actually spontaneously combust if Adam doesn’t win tomorrow.

8:34 Kris has to sing “What’s Goin On”. The fucking guitar is back but he’s singing OK. Kris is about 100 times more talented than Adam, but the god damned judges can’t see it.

8:39 Say you’re tired of these retarded iPhone commercials…is there an ap for that?

8:43 Next up…the winner’s single “No Boundaries” written by Idol’s own cock hungry Kara “Its not delivery its” Dioguardi. Has the Idol winner’s single ever been worth a damn? It certainly isn’t this year. The lyrics border on Christian rock levels of cheesiness.

8:47 I can’t listen to the judges cum in their pants every time Adam sings anymore. MUTE.

8:53 Now Kris gets to sing Kara’s corny ode to dreams and climbing mountains. Naturally he PWNS Adam’s unbearable performance. I expect the judges to pan him in an attempt to sabotage the slim chance he has at winning.

8:56 Yep. They’re simultaneously complimenting him AND bashing him for not hitting a high note in the song.

9:01 Idol is running long. Carrie Underwood is performing another cheeseball song and reminding us all why she’s better seen and not heard. Country music sucks.

We’ll be back tomorrow for the finale of the finale, which I’m sure will do nothing but drive me insane.

Now America must choose...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

American Idol Update: Week 13

Crikey! Skynet is actually doing the American Idol update on time? In the immortal words of former would-be vice-President, abstinence advocate, and 45 year old grandma Sarah Palin, you betcha!

Tonight, the three remaining contestants did two songs. They picked one and the judges, in no real order, picked one. You can read the damage assessment below:

Gokey - I have no idea what he sang, since when he opens his mouth and starts with that butter churning "dance" he does, I curl up in the fetal position, cover my ears, and wait for death.

Adam - The judges picked U2's One and he picked Crying by Aerosmith. Frankly both bands should press charges since Adam raped both songs. Unless a grown ass man shrieking like a banshee is your thing, I don't know how you can support this goon.

Kris - Judges pick: Apologize by One Republic, Kris' pick: Heartless by Kanye West. Apologize was off key, but not a total disaster, particularly when compared to the Adam/Gokey trainwrecks. I may actually go so far as to say his version of Heartless was actually good. He might be worth a damn if he'd put down that insufferable guitar. It gives him an Ivy League playing guitar on the quad douchebag feel.

Bono is offering a reward for the first person that brings him Adam's head. No one ruins One and gets away with it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Severed Hands in the Star Wars Movies

What's the deal with George Lucas and severed hands? Long ago, I noticed the Star Wars movies seem to have an inordinate amount of severed hands in them. From time to time I thought I should count them, but haven't been bored enough to do so. Well, good news! A recent business trip provided just the right opportunity to count the severed hands in the Star Wars movies. As it turns out, I'm not the first to be interested in this topic, far from it in fact. Regardless, I've already counted, so here you go. I have opted not to include clones and droids. God knows how many of their hands were lost. I've also not counted the citizens of Alderon. When the Death Star hit the planet, I'm sure lots of hands were severed before the people were vaporized. Anyway, here is the list. If they lost more than one hand, there is a note in parentheses:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace
None

Episode II: Attack of the Clones
The shapeshifting assassin
Jengo Fet
The giant grasshopper (2)
Anakin Skywalker

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Count Dooku (2)
General Grievous (2)
Mace Windu
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

Episode IV: A New Hope
C3PO
"I don't like you either" guy

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Snow monster
C3PO
Luke Skywalker

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

Two things stand out. One, if you count his time as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker actually loses his right hand twice. Pretty lousy for him. Two, a lot of these people die immediately after losing a hand. Nine of the fourteen victims here die soon after and Anakin/Vader dies after losing his right hand the second time.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

American Idol Update: Week 12

The end is nigh. Perhaps there is a god afterall!*

And then there were three. While continuing the spiral into the black hole of sucktitude, Idol actually managed to surprise tonight. Kris didn't go home. Allison and her "I'm 17 but sound like a 60 year old who has smoked two packs a day for a few decades" voice was sent packing, leaving Idol a sausagefest for the last three weeks. Calm down Adam and Ryan.

Of course, we all know Adam has already won this thing, but the question has always been who would be the runner up. Can Gokey really ride his dead wife into 2nd place? Would that disgrace the hallowed ground where Justin Gaurini once stood? I hope not and no. I have no love for Hal Spar-, er, I mean Kris and his insufferable guitar, but Gokey has been on my shit list from day one. The man sucks. If he was here right now, I'd spit in his eye and call him a lying Paki dog. He wouldn't get it though. Fuckin' Pakis.

*No. There isn't.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Human Development in the United States

On July 16, 2008, Oxfam America released its report on Human Development inside the United States. Oxfam, along with other organizations, compiled statistics on longevity, educational attainment and enrollment, and earnings to calculate the first intranational human development index. The human development index is a metric which the United Nations uses to measure the well-being of people in different nations and is derived from a population's education, income and health. The nations with the highest HDIs are typically in Western Europe, North America and Japan, while those with the lowest are in Africa and southern Asia. For example, the United States as a whole has an HDI of 0.95, which is the twelfth highest in the world. According to Oxfam, the purpose of this study is to "stimulate fact-based public dialogue and debate about human development here at home." This study provides a detailed look at the standard of living within the US, and provides strong arguments for why we should invest in our country more. Using the results of this study, a strong case can be made for why Republicans should vote for liberal candidates.

As one can see from Oxfam's map of HDI, there is a wide variation in human development across the nation. The states with the highest HDI are in the Northeast, and those with the lowest are in the South. Specifically, Connecticut has the highest HDI and Mississippi the lowest. Oxfam states in its report that this gap in HDI translates into a gap of 30-50 years in living standards. The map can also be broken down by congressional district, revealing that Manhattan's district has the highest HDI, at 8.17, and the San Joaquin Valley has the lowest, at 2.64.

Since this is a California-based blog, let us examine the statistics on Southern California more closely. Looking at the map of So Cal, one can see some striking differences in human development, especially within the Los Angeles metropolitan area. The most developed congressional district, CD 48, in which Irvine is located, has an HDI of 7.89 which is twice that of the least developed congressional district, CD 34, in Central Los Angeles, which has an HDI of 3.6. If you have ever traveled around Los Angeles, this will not come as a surprise, as the neighborhoods in LA are highly segregated with regards to health care, education and income. Another interesting note is that Riverside has an HDI of 5.33, and most of San Bernardino County has an HDI of 4.75. Compared with the more posh areas of Southern California which have HDIs of 6.5 to 8, this is somewhat lacking. However, these HDIs are comparable to Oregon (4.9), Ohio (4.79) and Maine (4.86). Based on this, the derogatory comments reserved for the Inland Empire by many people on the coast are undeserved. Riverside and the Desert Cities are not Podunk hick towns, but are actually on par with the rest of the nation.

The fact that the San Joaquin Valley has the lowest HDI in California, and in the nation, at 2.64 has significance that is not covered in Oxfam's report. California is the most agriculturally prolific state in the union, growing more than half of the nation's fruits, nuts and vegetables. California is the leading dairy producer in the nation and grows almost all of the almonds, artichokes, figs, olives, persimmons, pomegranates, prunes, raisins, and walnuts in the US. The Oxfam report confirms what many people already know, that our farm workers have a shoddy standard of living. The Central Valley's HDI value of 2.64 indicates that many in our agricultural workforce, mostly immigrants from Latin America, have limited education, inadequate access to health care and paltry income. Since so many in our country depend on the output of the San Joaquin Valley, their plight behooves us to raise their standard of living.

Fortunately, Oxfam has surveyed problems in the US has a whole and has provided a blueprint of how we should solve them. Here are some interesting factoids that are listed on Oxfam's website:

Health

-One in six Americans goes without health insurance (around 47 million people).

-The U.S. infant mortality rate is on par with that of Croatia, Cuba, Estonia, and Poland; if the U.S. infant mortality rate were the same as that of top-ranked Sweden, 21,000 more American babies would live to celebrate their first birthdays every year.

-More than half of all personal bankruptcies in the U.S. are related to an inability to pay for illness or injury.

Access to Knowledge

-More than one in five Americans – 22 percent of the population – have “below basic” quantitative skills, making it impossible to balance a checkbook, calculate a tip, or figure out from an advertisement the amount of interest on a loan.

-Nearly one in six American children lives in a family whose head didn’t graduate high school.

-Only three-fourths of American public high students graduated on time (within four years) with a regular diploma in 2003-2004.

Standard of Living

-The top 1 percent of U.S. households possesses a full third of America’s wealth.

-In 1980, the average executive earned forty-two times as much as the average factory worker; today, executives earn some four hundred times what factory workers in their industries earn.

-The real value of the minimum wage has decreased by 40 percent in the past forty years.

Other Domestic Issues

-More families with children are homeless today than at any time since the Great Depression (this was written before the economic downturn).

-The U.S. has 5 percent of the world’s people – but 24 percent of the world’s prisoners.

International Comparisons

-A poor child born in Germany, France, Canada, or one of the Nordic countries has a better chance to join the middle class in adulthood than an American child born into similar circumstances.

-The U.S. infant mortality rate is on par with that of Croatia, Cuba, Estonia, and Poland.

-If the U.S. infant mortality rate were equal to that of first-ranked Sweden, twenty-one thousand more American babies would have lived to celebrate their first birthdays in 2005.

Examining all of these issues is beyond the scope of this post, but their main thrust that we should invest more in the infrastructure and well-being of our nation as a whole, like Western European countries did 50 years ago. Here are the specific recommendations from Oxfam:

1. Promote prevention in public health efforts
2. Make health care affordable for all Americans
3. Modernize K-12 education
4. Invest in at-risk kids, the earlier the better
5. Strengthen and support families through public and private sector efforts that allow working families to better balance their work and family responsibilities
6. Boost incomes and aid asset-building
7. Launch a Marshall Plan for the Gulf
8. Take responsibility for the most vulnerable

All of these measures are good ways to improve the livelihoods of many in our country. Although Obama has received a lot of heat for his economic recovery plan; honestly, he is not doing enough. Of course, he is still receiving considerable criticism from the Right and many in the mainstream for running large deficits. However, even though most Republicans tend to favor a laissez-faire system, in which the government stays out of economic matters, many of them would benefit from the plan recommended by Oxfam.



Map of US with HDI Scores (darker color means higher HDI)




US Electoral Map from 2008


One can clearly see that, on average, the HDI of the Blue states is significantly higher than that of the Red states. If we were to follow Oxfam's plan, Red states would disproportionately benefit. This may remind of you of the fact that although many Republicans hate 'big government', Red states still take significantly more money from the federal government than Blue states. Perhaps if voters in Red states were better informed about the facts in Oxfam's report, they would vote for Democrats or other liberal candidates. Howard Dean, are you listening?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Everyone Needs to Calm Down

OK, everyone repeat after me please:

I don't have swine flu and I'm not going to die.

There. Doesn't that feel better? You know it does and you know its true, so enough of the fucking hand wringing. Furthermore, put those god damned masks away. The only thing you can accomplish with them is looking like a paranoid loon.

As I write this, the CDC officially recognizes 109 cases, with 1 death in the United States. One death...out of three hundred million people.

Mexico, of course, seems to be hit worse, but again, lets get real for a minute. That timeshare your spendthrift Aunt bought in Cancun isn't Mexico. Most of Mexico is poor and undeveloped, without adequate infrastructure. Even here though, only 12 deaths can be confirmed. The population of Mexico is around 110,000,000.

So there you go, a one in three hundred million chance of dying from swine flu in the US, or an elevated risk of somewhere around one in nine million chance of dying in Mexico. Among those things far more likely to kill you than swine flu, according to LiveScience, are a dog attack (1 in 147,100), an asteroid impact (1 in 200,000), and a fireworks discharge (1 in 615,488). So quit worrying about the flu and start giving your dog a second look...

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