New Moon...The Vampires Ruin Everything

New Moon is about to hit theaters, and the tweens and emotionally stunted women everywhere are on the verge of flinging their panties at the mere thought of "Rob". We here at Skynet always strive to stay ahead of the curve when it comes to pop culture, but we're usually a few steps behind. Such is the case with New Moon. The movie is out Friday, but we've only just slogged through the 560 or so pages of Stephanie Meyer's second sad attempt to escape from a life of Mormon oppresion and sexual boredom. She goes off on a werewolf tangent this time. Oh yes, there will be werewolves...

You'll of course recall the basic premise of Twilight: Some clutzy girl falls in love with a cool skinned bloodsucking douchebag with big hair. I think there was some subplot about a Native American kid selling her a truck or something too. When I said you will recall Twilight, I really meant you. My mind tuned most of it out. Most of the memories have been replaced by owls to protect my fragile psyche.

Anyway, the clutzy girl (Bella) is now 18 (I think - her father still grounds her, which doesn't add up to me. Must be some LDS thing.) and her douchey vampire beau Edward Cullen has planned something cartoonishly elaborate and romantic, because no one appreciates romance like an 18 year old. Since she's a clutz, she falls and cuts herself, and with vampires present, one attacks and Edward has to fend him off. Ever sensitive Edward (vampires apparently ride the same emotional rollercoaster as menopausal women) decides the only way to protect her is to vanish forever and never see her again. The Cullens all move out.

Bella is a wreck for months until her dad pounds the table and says "Hey, stop this tomfoolery!" She feigns interest in friends at first to appease him, but eventually forges a real relationship with the Native American kid Jacob Black. They decide to build motorcycles in what can only be a misguided attempt to get an unwatchable TV show on TLC and while riding, Bella realizes she's hearing voices. One voice to be precise and you'll never guess who!

She keeps hearing his voice, but at the same time she's getting really cozy with young Mr. Black who totally has wood for her. She wants him too, but resists out of some insane loyalty to the douchey vampire who abandoned her and left her life in shambles. He continues to make subtle advances towards her, but to no avail. He should have listened to more Leykis 101. If he had just stopped returning her calls, she would have been all over him.

Its round about here where I realize this book isn't nearly as painful as Twilight. Its certainly not good - I mean, it is just a dumb story about teenagers, but page after page isn't devoted to how awesomely exfoliated the vampires' skin is. Ms. Meyer can't leave well enough alone though and quickly brings the bloodsuckers back, which as you may have guessed causes the Native American kids to turn into werewolves. They try to hunt down a vampire who is after Bella, but she keeps doing dumb shit to hear Edward's voice. This time she jumps off a cliff into the sea. That water in Washington is too bloody cold. She's nuts.

Edward gets wind of this, assumes Bella is dead, and heads to Italy where he intends to commit suicide with the aid of the Volturi (old, possibly gay, Italian vampires with a penchant for talking with their hands and Fiats). How will he commit suicide? He's going to walk shirtless into the sunlight, so the Volturi will have to kill him. Oh shit...I should have said spoiler alert. It doesn't really matter though. One of the other Cullens takes Bella to Italy to prove to Edward she's alive. Bella, being a shallow whore, dumps poor Jacob Black like a sack of trash when she hears Edward is in need.

She gets there in time to stop Edward, but the Volturi are still pissed that they were going to be used as pawns in this crappy teenage love triangle. An entire chapter is used to build up suspense and then....and then!!!! And then, the Volturi let them go after they make Bella perform a few parlor tricks. Are you kidding me?

After that, its back to Washington with Edward safely in tow and Ms. Meyer starts devoting page after page to how beautiful he is. I want to scoop my eyes out at this point so I stop reading, but I can't, because quitters never win and winners never quit - or so Lou Holtz told me. They emote all over each other with tales of how their love will last forever. I start to really space out at this point, so I don't know how exactly it happened, but they went to the Cullens to vote on whether or not to turn her into a vampire. Bella successfully wins over Joe Lieberman to break the filibuster and they vote to change her, but not right away. Edward wants her to wait until they're married.

The book abruptly ends with Bella's dad imploring her to visit with Jacob Black, you remember, the guy she spent about two thirds of the book with. Edward won't have any of it though because of some treaty with the werewolves. Whatever.

I don't think I can bear another one of these. They're just so insufferable when the vampires are around. Ms. Meyer clearly needs to get laid more often so she actually tells a story instead of spending half her book idolizing a goofy looking vampire. For what its worth, New Moon is better than Twilight - much in the same way a kick in the ass is better than a kick in the balls.

More Teen Bullshit

While in line for agonizing hours with Governor X, waiting for the U2 concert to commence, he sprang this lovely little number on us.


Notice how lovingly he is clutching the package. It is clear to me our good Governor longs for whatever Edward has in his box.

But this isn't just another box of the same old shitty vampire candy. A new movie means a new FLAVOR.



Lemonessence. This one was the exact shade of white that lemons are not, and vaguely sparkled. It also tasted like Lysol.

Then, come Halloween, the same insane sister that previously broke my Twilight candy cherry sent me something new.



The chocolates come in three different flavors, Edward, Jacob, and Bella, each with their own clever shape. I assume they were filled with gooey centers so you could pretend to suck their blood, or something.

I fully expected Edward to contain a fruit filling, however he contained nothing more than run-of-the-mill caramel. It was shaped like the Cullen coat of arms. BO-RING.

Jacob's candy was full of peanut butter and shaped like a wolf howling at the moon. Also boring and completely lame.

Bella's candy delivered. It was fashioned in a simple heart shape, with "bella" scrawled across it in lower-case letters, because the teens of today are not keen on punctuation. Upon bursting the Bella candy open, I discovered it was filled with what I can only assume is vampire and werewolf "creme." I don't ever want to eat chocolate again.


The Twilight candy money-shot.

Smells Like Teen Bullshit

Imagine how excited I was upon receiving this little gem in the mail from my sister. Twilight candy. I could finally find out just how fruity today's teenage angst can taste.

The box is apparently "1 of 3" in a collector's series. I was concerned about opening it, at first, because of the potential resale value it might have in a few years. The back of the box listed the flavors and a few "interesting" facts about Twilight. The front of the box had a scratch and sniff heart that said. "Secret scent, rub to reveal." This, coupled with, "The Forbidden Fruit Tastes the Sweetest," seems a bit provocative for a candy marketed for thirteen year olds, until I remember that most of the fanbase are 30-year-old women with too many cats. The picture of the candy itself, which is illustrated to "sparkle" on the box, cemented my decision to open the box. I had to know if those things really had glitter on them.

They did.


Well, it was more like a shimmer, and it was only the orange and purple ones, but I was moderately surprised. There was only one more thing to find out: how does immortality taste?

For the most part, all four flavors taste no different than the god-awful powdery hearts I could never eat but received plenty of on Valentine's Days past, only a little weirder.

Red: Tempting Apple! I tend to like apple flavored things, but this thing did NOT taste like apples, nor was it tempting me to do anything but vomit.

Pink: Secret Strawberry. I think it's supposed to be a secret that it tastes like strawberry, because it tastes more like pixie sticks and flour mixed together. It also left an aftertaste reminiscent of the scent of toilet cleaner. Disgusting.

Orange: Orange Obsession. These names are really over the top. If my teenager was being obsessive and secretive, I would be concerned about suicide attempts, which is pretty much what eating this thing was. It tasted vaguely orange the way orange paint does.

Purple: Passion Fruit. Does this mean it's supposed to taste like Edward Cullen? The flavor was unlike anything the human body recognizes as edible. It smelled and tasted a good deal like mothballs. I imagine it is similar to the smell of Edward's dusty, unused, century old vampire testes.

After eating all four of these "treats," my mouth tasted like chemicals, almost like ink or cat litter, and I was inclined to brush and floss. My three year old was very interested in them, though, and thought they were "Harry Potter candies," recognizing the actor who also butchered the role of Cedric Diggory. I used them as a reward for him when he was successful with potty training attempts. Some expressed concern that the association will turn him gay. I think I'll be fine with that as long as he never "sparkles."

Twilight: The Longest 73 Hours of My Life

Those of you who have been living in Amish country, or have taken a vow to avoid all contact with teenagers, might not be familiar with this latest teeny-bopper sensation Stephanie Meyers has puked into our pop culture. Until Governor X gave me the novel for Christmas, I had been only vaguely aware of the movie's existence, and little more. After several painful hours of page turning, I finished the "novel." It was not the worst writing I had ever seen. Planet X, a book I once read on a dare, holds that honor. I imagine that at the age of thirteen, I might have found Twilight entertaining. It would have blended well with my days of writing bad poetry and fantasizing about Wil Wheaton.

The movie, however, managed to take a dull, contrived novel and make it into an abysmally rotten flick. At slightly longer than two hours running time, "Twilight: The Movie" felt as though it lasted three days. As Governor X stated after our viewing, "That movie has been on since 'Nam."

Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, is a teenage vampire. He was 17 when he was "turned" and is now about 80 years old. Bella Swan, played by some pale chick, is a whiny teenager who has to move to Washington to live with her father. Bella smells tasty to Edward, but he is a "vegetarian vampire" who only eats animals, not people. (I know that makes absolutely no sense, but the book itself uses that term.) Edward and Bella fall into a teenage infatuation they call love and stare at each other all the time. Edward saves Bella from a car accident, a roving horde of rapist frat-boys, and a vampire stalker. He does not get to bone her for all his trouble. Not yet, anyway.

The movie is filmed almost entirely in a grainy, gray, sad manner, working off the assertions of Ms. Meyers that the sun never shines in the state of Washington. The vampires of this fantasy universe do not burst into flames when exposed to sunlight; they sparkle and shimmer like junior high lip gloss, revealing their paranormal nature. While one could hope this black and white imagery would give rise to some very creative and interesting artistic opportunities, one would be setting oneself up for disappointment. The camera simply jerks around for two hours, back and forth between characters, using extreme close-ups at an almost perverse frequency. Does this director have a nostril fetish?

Bella and Edward are deeply, irrevocably, forever, super-duper, zomgcallme in love with each other. We get it. The movie spends at least 90 of its 122 minute running time hammering this fact into the audience's heads with footage of the protagonists staring at each other intensely. The remaining thirty minutes of movie is full of terrible clichés. We have the token black guy who calls Bella "guuuurl.". The local Native-American tribe provides the story with the necessary "sage old person of origins exotic to suburbia." All of your typical high school cliques happen to be present, despite the fact that a town of 3000 could scarcely provide a student body so diverse.

Then we have the acting. Whether the acting is terrible, or the direction is terrible, or both are terrible is up in the air for me. The constant close-ups and dragging pace of the movie indicate that the direction is floundering. At the same time, Mr. Pattinson's previous role in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire does not indicate anything positive about his acting abilities. A ridiculously pregnant pause before each and every line is a bad habit that Mr. Pattinson needs to shake before he can ever hope to be the next Orlando Bloom. The young lady playing Bella Swan was so unremarkable, I haven't bothered to look up her name. She was neither terrible or great. She was meh. Her performance was wooden and useless. A puppet could have delivered her lines with more feeling and presence.

I never held much hope for the content of the movie, though I could not have predicted it would be as bad as it was. I had hoped the special effects would, at least, make the movie remotely interesting. Again, I was wrong. How could any film, especially one so "anticipated" use effects that look like they were ripped from a 70's sci-fi flick?

Whatever happened to movies like "Lost Boys" and "Brahm Stoker's Dracula" where the vampires were only a little effeminate? Now, instead of turning into bats and eating people, vampires are wearing designer jeans and becoming vegetarians. I thought vampires could not get less manly after the works of Anne Rice. Twilight has proven me wrong.

Overall, the movie was the most horrible pile of steaming crap Governor X has ever forced me to smell. To put this in perspective, the man has made me watch Time Bandits and Mamma Mia. If you are emotionally thirteen and believe true love occurs whenever a weirdo with large eyebrows in tight black jeans tells you that you smell tasty, then this is the film for you. If you are a grown woman or a male in possession of a pair that you hope to some day procreate with, avoid Twilight at all costs.