Smells Like Teen Bullshit

Imagine how excited I was upon receiving this little gem in the mail from my sister. Twilight candy. I could finally find out just how fruity today's teenage angst can taste.

The box is apparently "1 of 3" in a collector's series. I was concerned about opening it, at first, because of the potential resale value it might have in a few years. The back of the box listed the flavors and a few "interesting" facts about Twilight. The front of the box had a scratch and sniff heart that said. "Secret scent, rub to reveal." This, coupled with, "The Forbidden Fruit Tastes the Sweetest," seems a bit provocative for a candy marketed for thirteen year olds, until I remember that most of the fanbase are 30-year-old women with too many cats. The picture of the candy itself, which is illustrated to "sparkle" on the box, cemented my decision to open the box. I had to know if those things really had glitter on them.

They did.


Well, it was more like a shimmer, and it was only the orange and purple ones, but I was moderately surprised. There was only one more thing to find out: how does immortality taste?

For the most part, all four flavors taste no different than the god-awful powdery hearts I could never eat but received plenty of on Valentine's Days past, only a little weirder.

Red: Tempting Apple! I tend to like apple flavored things, but this thing did NOT taste like apples, nor was it tempting me to do anything but vomit.

Pink: Secret Strawberry. I think it's supposed to be a secret that it tastes like strawberry, because it tastes more like pixie sticks and flour mixed together. It also left an aftertaste reminiscent of the scent of toilet cleaner. Disgusting.

Orange: Orange Obsession. These names are really over the top. If my teenager was being obsessive and secretive, I would be concerned about suicide attempts, which is pretty much what eating this thing was. It tasted vaguely orange the way orange paint does.

Purple: Passion Fruit. Does this mean it's supposed to taste like Edward Cullen? The flavor was unlike anything the human body recognizes as edible. It smelled and tasted a good deal like mothballs. I imagine it is similar to the smell of Edward's dusty, unused, century old vampire testes.

After eating all four of these "treats," my mouth tasted like chemicals, almost like ink or cat litter, and I was inclined to brush and floss. My three year old was very interested in them, though, and thought they were "Harry Potter candies," recognizing the actor who also butchered the role of Cedric Diggory. I used them as a reward for him when he was successful with potty training attempts. Some expressed concern that the association will turn him gay. I think I'll be fine with that as long as he never "sparkles."