American Idol Finale Results

Tonight we get to discover what annoying new voice will start either being blared at Jr. High dances across the nation or fade into relative obscurity with most of the past winners.

I missed the first ten minutes due to the need to clean sushi rice out from behind my finger nails. Don't ask; things can get wild around here sometimes.

Kris Allen is performing. The first several seconds of the performance were blared over by Seacrest's open mic, along with a stupid, "Is it open?" God, I hope the rest of the show is that clusterfucked. It would make this more bearable.

We are having a montage about Simon. Nobody is going to watch this show once he leaves.

Siobhan and Aaron Kelly are singing a duet. They are singing "How Deep is Your Love" by and with the BeeGees. Siobhan sounds awesome and should have won this season. Funny enough, the song stopped sounding good once the BeeGees themselves started singing along. I guess some things don't improve with age. I forgot how much I like this song. There are videos somewhere of me dancing to it in a diaper with one shoe on. Fortunately, these videos are not recent.

Now Big Mike is singing "Taking it to the Streets" with Michael McDonald. It's mercifully short, but Governor X says it's like passing a kidney stone. My dad passed a kidney stone once. He wept.

Some dipshit that probably works for the Renaissance Faire during the summer is singing a song about all the insults Simon has hurled over the years. He needs tights.

All the lady contestants of this season are singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." If this show doesn't stop spitting on songs I like, I'm going to write a firmly worded letter to someone. Now they are singing Aguilera's "Fighter." It's like they hacked my Ipod for song inspiration. Now Christina is onstage. Fap, or whatever the female equivalent is.

Next are all the idol blokes singing together with Hall and Oates. I really have nothing to say about this other than that grown men should not dance in formation. Nobody should, really.

Crystal is singing with Alanis Morissette. They changed some of the lyrics to be family friendly. I really don't approve of that, but I like Alanis so this is decent.

Carrie Underwood is onstage now. I wonder what song encouraging the destruction of private property she will belt out tonight.

Lee and Crystal helped create custom designs for the Ford Fiesta. Ford just gave them cars of their own sporting said designs. I guess they must have a great deal of faith in these kids' abilities to succeed, since they think they will actually need some cheapass cars.

Casey is singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn" with Bret Michaels. I wonder if Aguilera is the only current artist they plan on having tonight.

Lee is singing with Chicago. I had a crummy cassette of Chicago I used to play in my car when I was 16. I'm ashamed of myself.

There was just some montage of Simon fondling his own breasts and waking up next to Randy. I thought it was really stupid until I saw it was followed by a performance of "Pants on the Ground." I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Paula Abdul is now onstage in what looks like a dress made out of cotton candy to give a farewell speech to Simon. She's not funny, but she's trying. I'm just grateful she didn't sing.

The past idol winners have come together for a group song. Their backup chorus is made up of all the top ten contestants of yesteryear they could dig up. This is so fucking awful I may have to go destroy something beautiful to feel normal again.

The top ten are singing with Janet Jackson in what I can only assume and hope is the closing act before the results are revealed. Janet looks nice, though her hair is a bit short and shiny for my tastes. It looks like she used shoe polish on it. If you close your eyes, she sounds like her brother singing. Creepy.

Lee and Crystal are singing "With a Little Help From My Friends" with Joe Cocker. What would we do if you sang out of tune? Obviously we would vote you both to the top two, sillies!

Lee DeWyze is the next American Idol. Crystal looks really surprised. I don't think she or Lee expected him to win. Lee is now closing the show out by diddling "Beautiful Day" in the ass again. Fuck this show.

A-Wooooooo!!

American Idol Season Finale

Finally, the ponderous slog through this awful season is drawing to a close. We are down to Lee and Crystal, boring vs. boar, in what is sure to be a completely anticlimactic battle. There are to be three rounds this time, the first one a rehash of a previous performance, the second a random choice, and the third is what single the winner will release.

Lee starts off the night by singing "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel again. It is absolutely tedious, and this is coming from a woman who adores the song. He looks stoned and clueless, like he doesn't know where the hell he is when he's singing.

Crystal answers Lee's outdated song with one of her own, "Me and Bobby McGee." This is another song I like, and while she isn't perfect, she avoids screaming and looks alert. Her dreadful grill is still distracting me. I wonder if her breath smells like rotting meat?

Round two: Fight! Lee is performing R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." This is horrendous. Everybody listening to this horseshit certainly hurts. We here at Skynet have a great love for R.E.M. Lee's whining, monotone voice is destroying something wholesome and pure. I don't think this guy has any testicles.

Crystal has decided to go with something we only hear 500 times every Idol audition: "Black Velvet." Really? I guess it might sound pretty darn good, but I just cannot get past this horrible song choice. Also, Crystal is wearing what looks like a hefty bag. Hot.

The third round is nigh. Lee is doing a cover of U2's "Beautiful Day." If you are remotely familiar with Skynet and its writers, you understand that Lee may now be in terrible danger for daring to publicly molest a U2 song in this manner. He sounds terrible; he can't stay on key and his voice is nasally.

For the final performance of the night, Crystal has chosen something I have never heard before called "Up to the Mountain." Sorry, Governor X, but this actually sounds pretty damn good. I may be biased because of my new-found seething hatred for Lee and all that he loves, and I certainly wouldn't voluntarily play this tune in my car, but I am calling Bowersox for the win this year.

American Idol Update: Week 13

American Idol is down to three singers, and they are doing their usual final three show. Each contestant is singing two songs, one chosen by them, one chosen by a judge. The judges always pick god-awful songs. (Simon choosing "Over the Rainbow" for Katharine McPhee, anyone?)

Casey chose "OK, It's Alright With Me" by Eric Hutchinson. This kind of music suits his voice well, unfortunately I can't stand it. The judges are tearing him to pieces for his song choice.

Last week Randy's idiotic banter drove me to discuss proper music terminology. I thought I would continue along this vein by discussing different types of instruments. Now that the Idol contestants are encouraged to play as well as sing, this knowledge has become applicable.

Most contestants play different variations of the guitar. The guitar is a string instrument. Music is created by vibrating strings of different lengths or tensions. String instruments include violin, harp, lute and ukulele.

Crystal Bowersox has chosen "Come to My Window" by Melissa Ethridge. I enjoy me some Melissa. This might be okay if she can avoid screaming. One thing that bothers me about Crystal is hard for me to admit. It's her teeth. I'm not a big fan of phony beauty standards, and I don't think she needs caps or anything, but they are quite brown. A little whitening, especially when you are a singer and your mouth is so visible, might convey a better image. Crystal did not scream. Most of the judges didn't like it, but I actually did. Simon liked it too.

The simplest kind of musical instrument is percussion. Percussion instruments consist of anything that gets banged on, such as drums, cymbals, your mom or even maracas. Fun fact: the piano is considered both a string and a percussion instrument. When you press the keys of a piano, the strings inside are struck by hammers. The piano is very confused.

Lee DeWyze has chosen "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. This has potential, but it's falling flat, literally. He sounds nasally and off key. Of course Randy loved it. That man wouldn't know pitch if it were a fork and chasing him from the village.

Woodwind instruments make sound when wind is blown over an angled edge or through a reed or two. Most were traditionally made of wood, but have more recently been constructed of metal or plastic. The woodwind family includes the flute, clarinet, bagpipes, and saxophone.

Randy and Kara chose John Mayer's "Daughters" for Casey. His voice is suited for this song. I would say this is the first performance by him that seems professional. I suppose he could have a break from being my cabana boy if he promises to sound that good. Kara just told Casey he has a "hard time showing his vulnerable side." Simon almost fell over laughing.

Brass instruments are of course trumpets, french horns, and the like. Brass instruments produce sound through a combination of the vibration of the player's lips and the vibration of air resonating through a tube. Different notes are created by different lengths of tubing. The tube length is changed by opening and closing different valves or by lengthening and collapsing the tube by sliding it.

Ellen chose Crystal's next song, "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney. Oh man, I love this song. She's all over the place with her pitch and she's screaming again. I appreciate that she didn't change the gender references in the lyrics. I can't stand it when singers do that. Sing the song as it's written, you homophobes!

A subclass of brass instruments is low-brass. These are brass instruments that play in a much lower octave, such as tuba, trombone, and baritone.

Simon chose the gospel song "Hallelujah" for Lee. This song is more than a little campy. He's putting a great deal of emotion into it, which almost makes up for the fact his voice sounds like he has a harelip. Aww, he looks like he's about to cry as the song concludes. Now I feel a little guilty.

My prediction? Casey is going the way of the dodo.

American Idol Update: Week 12

It's movie soundtrack night on Idol. This has potential, so I am sure they will pick the oldest and most boring songs on Earth. Oh, it looks like there will be duets tonight, too. This should be dreadful.

Lee DeWyze is first with "Kiss from a Rose". I really like this song and his voice sounds okay, but he is rushing through it. This guy needs to practice with a metronome.

I am really tired of Randy saying "pitchy." Weren't you a musician? Use proper terminology, dawg.

Big Mike is next. He's freeing his willy with a terrible Michael Jackson song. This is awful. I hope he goes the hell home. Simon just made a dick joke. Better him than Ellen.

For Randy's sake, we are going to talk about music terminology. When a note is too high, it is called "sharp." When it is too low, it is called "flat."

Crystal and Lee are singing "Falling Slowly" with dueling acoustic strumming. It actually sounded pretty good. They both look stoned.

Let's talk a little bit about clefs. On the piano, the very center C key is called "middle C." The notes immediately above middle C fall on the "treble clef." Those directly below middle C fall on the "bass clef."

Casey is singing Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate. Way to stay current. He's pretty hot; he needs to just sit quietly and look pretty. I like Simon and Garfunkel for the nostalgia. This does NOT need a remake. Is that a ukulele? I'm going to my happy place now.

The volume changes in music are called "dynamics." We use Italian terms such as "piano" (soft) or "forte" (loud) to tell the musicians how loudly to play. When the music gradually gets louder, this is called a "crescendo." When it gets gradually softer, this is called "decrescendo." When it slows down, it is called "retard," which always made us giggle in junior high orchestra.

Crystal is "singing" the song from Caddyshack. Again, way to stay current, people. Governor X can't stand this woman. I normally find her to be pretty decent. Tonight she's becoming tiresome. She screams every song she touches.

Have you ever seen a band playing, and at the end they hold a long note until the director cuts them off with a hand signal? This is called a "fermata."

Oh boy, Casey and Mike are singing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman." This song is really overdone. They are in tune, for the most part, but this is a snoozefest. Ellen made a bad lesbian joke. Why is she here? She isn't remotely funny. She needs to stick to voicing cartoon fish.

The only thing that sounded remotely good was the boring duet by Crystal and Lee. Everyone interesting has been voted off.

Did you know it was Farty Bulldog Awareness Week?

American Idol Update: Week 11 (Results?)

As I announced last evening, I refused to subject myself to "Harry Connick Jr arranges Frank Sinatra songs night" on Idol. I will however suffer through the results show to see Lady Gaga perform. She will probably come out with a dead peacock on her head or something. We'll have to wait and see.

First...this crap starts at 9? Give me a break. Just put it on at 8 and be done with it. Randy Jackson is dressed like the great pumpkin. This is going to suck.

The top five are doing a Sinatra medley. I feel like I caught the early bird buffet at the Colorado Belle in Laughlin. At least Laughlin would have female impersonators doing a Sinatra medley. Aaron Kelly sounds like a girl, and Big Mike has boobs, but it just isn't the same. Oh man, its going to be great when one of these losers goes home. I hope they cry. I will feed on their disappointment and gain strength.

I don't know that I've heard a Kris Allen song since he won last season. All he seems to do is Ford commercials. Dumb Ford commercials too. Ford is actually bragging that their cars are made for idiots. Hey, this car will automatically hide the body if you accidentally back over the neighbor's cat whilst texting!

Lee is first up. It feels like they've been talking to him since last Tuesday. Holy hell this guy is boring. He used to work at a paint store - I'm guessing fumes have a lot to do with his personality. Oh here we go. He's safe! Shocking!

RA RA AH AH AH, GA GA OOH LA LA is here to sing Alejandro. Yay! She appears to be wearing a mosquito net over her head and lingerie. One of her half naked male dancers just ripped her mosquito net off. She might get malaria you dick! Well, that was swell. She should perform every week.

We're a half hour into the "results" show and we've only been told one of the results. Fail. I already know who went home because I cheat, so its no skin off my back.

Harry Connick Jr is performing. Mute.

Wait...why am I still watching this? I already saw Lady Gaga and I know Aaron went home (oops, spoilers!). Nuts to this. See you next week.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 5 Winner

With 35 points the winner is...you guessed it, Riley. I'm told the students are concerned the fix may be in. I assure you there is no fix. I'm far too lazy. Perhaps instead of bitching about the results you will rise to the challenge and submit better material next week.

Ms. Keys sings quite well

She taught them a thing or two

She rocks the keys too

OK then. Congrats again Riley. I'm told we are once again interfering with actual school work, so we may or may not have additional submissions this season. You are, of course, more than welcome to submit your haiku to Skynet and we'll most likely find a way of using them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm watching Contact, so here is a picture of MIR.

S. R. Hadden lived out his final days on MIR.

American Idol Update: Week 11

I will endure a lot of things for the sake of this blog, but I will not subject myself to "Harry Connick Jr. arranges Frank Sinatra songs night" on American Idol. Furthermore, Siobhan was booted off last week so there is really no one worth rooting for. For a change of pace this week, we will be chronicling the results show tomorrow evening. Lady Gaga is performing and one of these undeserving assholes is going home. If that isn't good enough for you, we will be announcing the winner of this week's AI haiku contest tomorrow morning.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 4 Winner

It was a hotly contested race this week, but emerging victoriously for the second time in the competition is Riley with 30 first place points. Congrats. You're turning into a regular Allen Ginsburg...if Allen Ginsburg ever wrote haiku about ghastly TV shows.

The loser was Tim

He was not that good this week

Go take a cry, Tim

Riley?

American Idol Update: Week 10

We're down to six. The end is nigh and so on. This is usually when I start to wonder what I'm going to watch when Idol ends. Fortunately for me the baseball season has started. Unfortunately for me, the Dodgers are embarrassing this year. Oh well. I have a lot of DVDs.

The American Idol Haiku Project is chugging along as well. We'll have this week's winner posted Thursday morning, but in the meantime it seems we have actual fans! I know, I can't believe it either. Anyway, Idol and Haiku aficionado Tanya has submitted a haiku for each contestant this week. Even though we here at Skynet do not support the Symbionese Liberation Army (at least not anymore), I've decided to include them as part of this week's update. Note, she seems to like a lot of the contestants, so as they say on the DVD, the views expressed in these haiku do not necessarily represent the views of Skynet: California.

Shania Twain night? Don't the judges always say you need to be current and relevant? This woman hasn't released a CD since 2002. Whatever.

Lee Dewyze - Joey Generic sings an appropriately generic sugary country/pop staple, You're Still the One. Don't worry Lee, you're still the one I feel came off the American Idol non-threatening assembly line. Kara is obsessed with seeing this guy smile. Who cares. Kurt Cobain never smiled and he turned out ok. Oh...

I love me my Lee
said to be behind Crystal
great on the guitar

Michael Lynche - They should forbid contestants from sitting on the stairs. Its cheesy. OK, as you well know by now I've had it with Big Mike, but this is pretty ridiculous even for him. Other people I've had it with? Kara. STFU already.

It's Mike on the mic
kinda reminds me of rueben
soulful teddy bear

Casey James - Is it just me or does Shania sound really weird? You know when you're sick and you need to clear your throat, but you can't? Get this girl some Ricola. I don't know this song. Its hard to pick something obscure when you're picking from a three CD catalog, but here we are. He's really not a bad singer, but he needs better material to pick from.

Casey on guitar
he is Idol's McDreamy
and all the girls swoon

Crystal Bowersux - The judges really want her to win. They wanted Adam Lambert to win last year too, but that didn't happen. There will be a backlash against her awful singing and dirty hippie persona. Ma and Pa Kettle in Fargo are seething with rage right now. They're so angry they're getting ready to join a Tea Party to vent their non-specific rage. Randy and Ellen clearly hated this performance, but can't bring themselves to say it. At least Simon can say it sucked.

Crystal in the dreds
they say you're the frontrunner
hey, you have my vote

Aaron Kelly - I kind of agree with Tanya on this one. Aaron does give off a David Archuletta vibe, but in that one day the police will find some teenage boys tied up in his basement kind of way. I'm guessing that isn't how she meant it.

Big-voiced Aaron's great
and he's only seventeen
like Archuletta

Siobhan Magnus - Oh man, she looks extra crazy tonight. Its your typical idiotic country song, but she's giving it the old college try. Much better than the last couple snoozers she's dropped. She's still got Skynet's backing.

Oh Siobhan, Siobhan
a chameleon, you are
Kara doesn't get you

Thanks to Tanya for her submissions this week. Head back Thursday for the winner of this week's Haiku competition!

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 3 Winner

The votes are in and with a total of 40 first place points, Shane emerges victoriously lamenting the pathetic lack of musical knowledge among this year's contestants. Job well done. You may be wondering what happened to week two. We don't really speak about that anymore. Please don't ask again.

One young contestant

Did not know who fronts the Stones

Mick Jagger, of course!

American Idol Update: Week 9

Sup Rasta...its Idol time again. Tuesday, 4/20/2010. The theme writes itself, but does Idol go with it? No, of course not. Instead of hearing the work of Bob Marley, Grateful Dead and other classic bands, its "inspirational song" night? Really? Fail. I'm going to guess I won't be inspired to do anything but change the channel.

One thing I can get behind tonight is Alicia Keys (lulz! sex pun!). She's the mentor, suggesting ways the contestants can been one of the hottest women around or something. She sings OK too.

Casey James - Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop. Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign theme song. See? This site is educational. Who knows when you may be in a game of Trivial Pursuit with a crazy kidnapper who has given you the option of beating him at the game or losing your life. You draw a card...What was the theme of the 1992 Clinton/Gore campaign? Score! You're alive! I liked Casey's performance, so naturally the judges hated it.

Lee Dewyze - He's singing "The Boxer". No clue what it is, but I'm sure its boring and he'll sing it poorly. We need to see a lot less of this guy and a lot more Alicia Keys. THESE STREETS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BRAND NEW, BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! See? It even says "inspire" in the lyrics. Empire State of Mind > this garbage Lee is singing.

Tim Urban - I don't know what this song is either. I'm inspired to go to the other room and get a snack. Sashimi. Yes, sashimi for a snack.

Aaron Kelly - LOL at this kid. Who is voting for him? Simon said if he heard this performance in the car, he would have turned it off within ten seconds - but then said Aaron made it quite good. What?

Siobhan Magnus - Oh man, you're killing me! I'm starting to fear she's peaked. I don't know if the season can survive that. Hopefully she comes back with something that isn't coma inducing next week. Kara wants to hang out with her, but doesn't know who she is! At least Paula was high as a kite when nonsense like that spilled out of her mouth.

Michael Lynche - I'm really tired of this guy. Its a damn shame they wasted their save on him a few weeks ago. He's comically awful tonight.

Crystal Bowersox - Speaking of tiresome contestants, Treasure Trail annoys me more and more every week. She's crying? Wow. I mean, it sucked and everything, but its nothing to cry over.

American Idol Update Week 8

Its Elvis week and Adam Lambert is the mentor. That's an awful lot of pelvic thrusting for Ma and Pa Kettle in flyover country. I hope they can handle it. I really can't deal with anymore fake outrage from these hayseeds.

Also, my art class has run out of steam. Its too much work, and above all else, I'm lazy, so you're just going to have to take a real art class if you want to better yourself. You certainly won't better yourself by reading Idol recaps. I'm sure I'll have another half baked idea that will go unfinished before the season is over.

Crystal Bowersux - Haha. Get it? Bowersux! Because I don't care for her. Don't care for the song either. I'm sure you're shocked to hear that. Did you know Elvis was high as a kite in this picture with Nixon? If Nixon got high once in awhile he would have been a lot more mellow.

Andrew Garcia - Looks like they're getting the worst contestants out of the way early. I can respect that. Whether or not I can survive it is another story. Quit using your son as a crutch. No one cares that you're a father. Haha! Lambert just told him he's boring. That made my night. Randy just said it was awful karaoke too. Because the judges used their save last week, this dude is toast. Go back to Moreno Valley you bum!

Tim Urban - I go months at a time without a haircut, so I'm hardly one to talk, but this dude really needs to visit a Great Clips. He'll look like they ran a lawnmower over his head afterwards, but so be it. This was easily his least awful performance on the show. Vote for the Worst is going to need a new candidate.

Lee Dewyze - I'd love to hear a little less of A Little Less Conversation. This guy is so bland. I think he came off the same assembly line that produced David Cook and Chris Daughtry. Remember GM cars in the 80's? GM would make one model car and put a Chevy, Pontiac, Buick, Cadillac, and Oldsmobile logos on it so they could offer "five" models. That's what's going on here. Boring, just like the Chevy Celebrity.

Aaron Kelly - Blue Suede Shoes. Puke. Shouldn't this kid be in school?

Siobhan Magnus - Uh oh, she sounds borderline sane in the interview tonight. I hope she still sounds good. The crazy is part of her appeal. Siobhan and Lambert...what a pair. She's doing Suspicious Minds. Yay, one of the few Elvis songs I like. This started out good, but this lounge act ending is hideous. What are you doing to me girl? Its OK. We're still tight.

Michael Lynche - The judges wasted their save on this guy last week. You've seen all you're going to out of him. Time to break it off. What the hell is Kara wearing?

Katie Stevens - This girl really isn't very good. She also looks a lot older than 17. I don't know this song either. Its pretty cheesy though.

Casey James - I really hope this is the last performance. I can't deal with anymore Elvis tonight. This theme needs to die on the commode prior to next season.

Whew. Its over. Lambert will be performing tomorrow on the results show, so put the kiddies to bed early and break out the bondage gear. Stay tuned for Glee? No u.

Hot Danish curlers heart Skynet: California's American Idol Update.

American Idol Update: Week 7 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

No art class tonight. Professor Governor X is tired. I blame you, dear readers. Let's just do Idol.

Its Lennon and McCartney night. We may actually have some good stuff come out of this (who am I kidding?), or at the very least, some entertaining fail. What's wrong with Paul McCartney? He seems like he's intoxicated. Furthermore, whatever happened to that peg-legged wife of his?

Aaron Kelly - The other contestants have nicknamed him Yoda. I'd name him asshat. Asshat is singing The Long and Winding Road. Lennon and McCartney wrote hundreds of great songs and you picked probably the most boring of them all. Snooze.

Katie Stevens - Let it Be. I wish she had let this song be. Its one of my favorite Beatles songs and she's not doing it justice. Frankly, this is ghastly and I can't wait for it to end. The judges liked it. I'm guessing they were listening to the original on their iPods.

Andrew Garcia - I was just reminded that this was the name of a douchebag I used to work with who is truly one of the most objectionable people I've ever met. He's from New Jersey, carries around that weird ex-military chip on his shoulder, and suffers from a severe case of short man syndrome. Idol's Andrew Garcia probably isn't a bad person like the other one, but he certainly sucks as a musician. Someone bang the gong already and thet this man off the stage!

Michael Lynche - Barry White Wannabe is tackling Eleanor Rigby. Draw the windows and get out the cutting razor, its depression time gang! Um dude, this doesn't really work as a peppy R&B track. What a disaster. Remember what I said about catching some epic fail tonight? Well here you go.

Sudden thought...if no one sings I Am the Walrus tonight, I'm going to start a riot.

Another thought...Meg Whitman, get off my TV. You're a cow. Running California isn't anything like running a "business" where you can sell Crazy Aunt Rita's ceramic cat collection after she asphyxiates in the garage. You suck. Go away. Ask Governor Al Checchi and Senator Michael Huffington how buying political seats in this state works out.

Crystal Bowersox - Blue Napkins calls her Treasure Troll. I'm going with Treasure Trail. The didgeridoo isn't necessary Treasure Trail. Your smelly hippie street cred is safe. Fact: I own a really sweet didge with a turtle carved on it. Why? My smelly hippie street cred needed some bolstering.

Tim Urban - Even with Vote for the Worst backing this guy can't survive much longer can he? Can he????? The judges praised him, so he's probably doomed. Vote for the Worst will probably have to move on to Katie Stevens next.

Casey James - Pretty boy is disqualified. Jealous Guy isn't a particularly interesting song and this performance is sleepy, but more importantly its a Lennon song and this is Lennon and McCartney night. Sorry dude, you're out. Go give Kara the lovin' she so desperately needs.

Siobhan Magnus - Across the Universe. Pipe down and bask in the awesomeness you jackholes. Truthfully I was hoping she would be the one to do I Am the Walrus. No such luck.

Lee Dewyze - Two words into Hey Jude and I want to punch him. Turrrible.

No one did I Am the Walrus, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start a riot. Clear a path!

I learned how to riot in France.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 1 Winner

The votes are in, and with a total of 30 first place points, the winner is Riley with his scathing anti-David Cook haiku. . Congrats. Have a cookie. Seriously though, well done Riley and keep those submissions rolling in!

David Cook can’t sing.

He murdered “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”.

This man kills good songs.

American Idol Update: Week 6 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

Frida Kahlo...you dirty girl. Painting yourself nude for your philandering husband. Pallin' around with Trotsky. Portrayed seductively by Salma Hayak in Julie Taymor's tedious 2002 biopic Frida. Suffering with brutal pain but persevering to create some of the most beautiful works of Latin American art. Well done.

Top 10 for Idol. As you know, we're all Siobhan all the time. Team Siobhan? Oh yes. Its soul night. Fail in advance.

Tonight's featured work has a name long enough to be a Fall Out Boy song. Fortunately for you, unlike Fall Out Boy, this doesn't suck though. I proudly present to you The Love Embrace of the Universe, the Earth (Mexico), Diego, Me, and Senor Xolotl (1949).

Siobhan Magnus - Sweet. My girl is kicking things off tonight so when I quit paying attention later it won't matter. She's singing Chaka Khan. I have no idea what this song is, but I don't like it. This night is going to blow. The judges were not impressed.

Casey James - White boy soul makes me want to stick my head in the oven. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

Michael Lynche - If there is any category this Barry White wannabe should nail, its this one. No such luck. This is brutal. I give this until 9ish.

Didi Benami - That's it. I'm done. I'll give you one last tidbit about Kahlo before I call it a night though...

After researching this Kahlo/Trotsky thing a bit more for you and I'm pleased to report they had a brief affair. More importantly, Kahlo and her husband were devoted communists who helped Trotsky get set up in Mexico after Stalin ran him out of town. In 1937 she completed a work titled Self Portrait Dedicated to Leon Trotsky.

Four Inhabitants of Mexico (1938)

The American Idol Haiku Project

I'm pleased to be able to announce Skynet: California's latest endeavor, The American Idol Haiku Project.

The concept is simple. Skynet readers like our haiku and our Idol coverage, but our writers are all exceptionally lazy. Why not outsource some of the writing?

Each week, the students in Finski's English class at Servite High School in Anaheim will submit haiku they've written about American Idol. The Skynet staff will then select the best submission each week to publish on the blog (since Finski knows who the writers are, he will recuse himself). The lucky writers will be filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment and will have an extra line to pad their resume with when searching for that first soul crushing job after college.

It's American Idol, it's haiku, it's outsourcing child labor - it's full of win!

American Idol Update: Week 5 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

The hardest part of the American Idol update is picking each week's featured artist. Our last artist was Rene Magritte. Tonight I've decided to feature Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, a 5ft tall French product of inbreeding (his two grandmothers were sisters) who enjoyed absinthe and painting ladies of the night. Back to him in a minute.

I've already forgotten the count on Idol, but its no matter. Skynet has already decided Siobhan Magnus is the real winner. Blue Napkins feels she has a headless doll collection, but she can sing. No one else can. I don't think anyone else on the show has a headless doll collection either. Aaron Kelly may have a headless teenage boy collection under his house when he's 40 or so, but that's another topic for another day.

Our first work tonight is At the Moulin Rouge, oil on canvas 1892/93. Now Idol...

Tonight's generic theme is Billboard's #1's. Lame.

Wow, speaking of lame, the mentor is Miley Cyrus. Shouldn't you have some actual talent at what you do to be a mentor? Unless she's coaching the contestants to be as white trashy as possible this is going to be a disaster.

Lee Dewyze - This guy. Eesh. Lautrec facts...according to wiki, "Toulouse-Lautrec created 737 canvases, 275 watercolours, 363 prints and posters, 5,084 drawings, some ceramic and stained glass work, and an unknown number of lost works" in less than 20 years. Prolific. Too bad he isn't still alive. We could have him blogging here and he would single handedly keep the site going.

Paige Miles - Miley Cyrus sounds like she's been smoking two packs a day for 30 years. Isn't she 17? Jesus. Nice parenting there Billy Ray. Paige usually isn't that bad. She takes a lot of abuse on the internets, but not here. We never say anything negative about anyone, especially not 17 year old chain smokers with no talent like Miley Cyrus. I have to admit though, that performance was brutal.

Tim Urban - Vote for the Worst has latched on to Tim and he brought his A (F?) game tonight with Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Vote for the Worst has chosen wisely.

Aaron Kelly - Bodies under the house dude. My favorite depiction of Toulouse-Lautrec was John Leguizamo in Baz Luhrman's classic Moulin Rouge. Its required viewing for Skynet. If you haven't seen it, you have to leave.

Crystal Bowersox. Toulouse-Lautrec loved, LOVED the absinthe. Ever try it? I had a go at in last winter. It tasted like licorice and it didn't make me want to paint. Fail.

Michael Lynche - This guy started out with potential singing Maroon 5. It was funny because he's a very very heavy set fellow. He's really regressed into a series of boring slow jams. You ain't Barry White dude.

Andrew Garcia - I don't even care about this guy. If he burst into flame on stage right now he'd still be boring.

Katie Stevens - Last week a few 6 year olds totally PWNED this song at the Bridge Club's Poker Night. This version isn't awful, but it isn't great either. Ellen will probably talk about brown bananas.

Casey James - What the hell happened to Huey Lewis? He had huge hits, then vanished only to turn up again in that ghastly karaoke movie with Gwenyth Paltrow before vanishing a second time. This performance isn't bad.

Didi Benami - I don't even care about this girl. If she burst into flame on stage right now she'd still be boring.

Siobhan Magnus - They saved the best for last! Weird weird look this week, but is that at all shocking? No. Just give her the title now.

A little Toulouse-Lautrec, a lot of Idol this week. Maybe I'll give you some more info about him next week since we were a little Idol heavy this week.

HAVE ANOTHER GLASS...

American Idol Update: Week 4

They're down to the top 12, and unbeknownst to me, they're also down to one night a week. This means when I missed Idol for poker night yesterday, I wasn't just missing half the crew, but all of it. It was a refreshing break though, and thanks to the internets, I was able to pick and choose which performances I wanted to see from yesterday.

If you've been following the American Idol Update, you will probably have picked up on the fact that I want to make sweet love to crazy Siobhan down by the fire. Conveniently she's also the only one that stands out as particularly talented, so she's the only one I opted to watch. She really came through, delivering awesomeness off the charts with her interpretation of the Rolling Stones' Paint it Black, which just happens to be my favorite Stones song. Since I cheat and look for the results online after the show is broadcast back East, I can tell you she is quite safe and will return for next week.

No art lecture tonight - just enjoy this painting of an avocado.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 2 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

Welcome back. No intro tonight, I'm too tired. Lets jump right into the art and Idol.

Tonight's featured Magritte work is La Durée Poignardée, oil on canvas 1938. This clearly represents a train coming out of a fireplace. Probably something about sex too. This work is frequently called Time Transfixed, but Magritte hated that. The title literally translates to Ongoing Time Stabbed by a Dagger. Now that's a name. The guys are positively horrid this year, so that sex train is the highlight of the night.

Lee Dewyze - Negative comments are allowed tonight. First up, think of Scott Stapp doing a Death Cab song and you might be close to this abomination. After you think of that, run to the bathroom so you don't throw up on the sofa.

Alex Lambert - Awful performance of an awful song. Ellen loves it, so she called him a mushy banana. This is the third week in a row she's gone off on a banana tangent. If I didn't know she was gay, I'd think there was something dirty afoot.

Tim Urban - Hallelujah! The song that is. The man who wrote the song, Leonard Cohen, has asked for a moratorium on the song because its so overdone now. I agree. k. d. lang's performance at the Vancouver opening ceremony should have been the last one.

Andrew Garcia - A fat guy singing Genie in a Bottle would be funny on karaoke night. Its just fucking sad on national TV. Go away!

Casey James - Magritte's explanation of La Durée Poignardée: "I decided to paint the image of a locomotive . . . In order for its mystery to be evoked, another immediately familiar image without mystery — the image of a dining room fireplace — was joined."

Aaron Kelly - Yay mute button!

Todrick Hall - How is this guy still around? I think he's nailed down the West Hollywood vote. Tonight he abuses a perfectly innocent Queen song. You aren't Freddie Mercury, so don't even try. RIP Freddie.

Michael Lynche - I don't have enough wine to make this tolerable, so back to the mute button. Its a shame too. This is the one guy with any potential at all. Fail.

Well, I liked telling you some more about Rene Magritte. We'll move on to a new artist next week. I'm thinking David Hockney, but that could change. Remember to hand in your papers by noon on Monday.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 1 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

If its Tuesday, its time for Introduction to Modern Art 205 with Professor Governor X! Its also time for a crummy karaoke contest. The art is far more interesting. I don't know if its the guys or girls leading off this week and frankly I don't care. We lost four more last week, and only one was even a marginal loss. Good riddance to Haeley Vaughn in particular.

Today's feature piece is Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte's creepy ass Les Amants, oil on canvas 1928. I'm not yet practiced enough in lecturing about art to tell you what this is supposed to represent, but I find it both eerie and oddly beautiful.

Looks like the ladies are kicking things off this week. Yay?

Katie Stevens - Sweet...no more mind numbing introductions about how they like to color or molest the family pet before the show. I think I will go with the no comments but good comments theme again. In other words, no comment on her version of Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway.

Siobhan Magnus - The only contestant I truly like is on early this week with House of the Rising Sun. Honestly, if I wasn't writing this update, I'd just turn Idol off now since it will be all downhill from here.

Lacey Brown - That was off key and weird, but I kind of liked it. I'm shocked.

Katelyn Epperly - The Magritte Museum opened in Brussels in 2009. Sadly, this was two years after I visited Brussels. I'd rather not go back to that city. The streets aren't marked and the Belgians are assholes.

Didi Benami - Something else about Brussels...no one knows where anything is. I stayed in a hotel not far from the European Parliament (official Skynet business), and no one had any clue where the parliament building was. Its only one of the most important political entities in the world, who cares where its housed? Pass the moule frites mon ami!

Paige Miles - Did you know? Magritte's L'Empire des Lumières (pictured here - oil on canvas, 1953-1954) inspired the poster for The Exorcist.

Crystal Bowersox - Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Lily Scott - Awesome, the 2-hour Idol death marches have ended! We're down to a tight hour tonight. That's the best news I've heard since Kris Allen told me his CD's stay in his boring ass Ford forever. Actually, I'll be so bold as to say this is better news than that. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not interested in whether or not Kris Allen fumbles around with CD's in his car.

Idol is over. Vote for Siobhan. I hope you learned something about Rene Magritte tonight even though I didn't give you much information. Hopefully his art will grab your interest and you'll do some research on your own. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!