American Idol Finale Results

Tonight we get to discover what annoying new voice will start either being blared at Jr. High dances across the nation or fade into relative obscurity with most of the past winners.

I missed the first ten minutes due to the need to clean sushi rice out from behind my finger nails. Don't ask; things can get wild around here sometimes.

Kris Allen is performing. The first several seconds of the performance were blared over by Seacrest's open mic, along with a stupid, "Is it open?" God, I hope the rest of the show is that clusterfucked. It would make this more bearable.

We are having a montage about Simon. Nobody is going to watch this show once he leaves.

Siobhan and Aaron Kelly are singing a duet. They are singing "How Deep is Your Love" by and with the BeeGees. Siobhan sounds awesome and should have won this season. Funny enough, the song stopped sounding good once the BeeGees themselves started singing along. I guess some things don't improve with age. I forgot how much I like this song. There are videos somewhere of me dancing to it in a diaper with one shoe on. Fortunately, these videos are not recent.

Now Big Mike is singing "Taking it to the Streets" with Michael McDonald. It's mercifully short, but Governor X says it's like passing a kidney stone. My dad passed a kidney stone once. He wept.

Some dipshit that probably works for the Renaissance Faire during the summer is singing a song about all the insults Simon has hurled over the years. He needs tights.

All the lady contestants of this season are singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." If this show doesn't stop spitting on songs I like, I'm going to write a firmly worded letter to someone. Now they are singing Aguilera's "Fighter." It's like they hacked my Ipod for song inspiration. Now Christina is onstage. Fap, or whatever the female equivalent is.

Next are all the idol blokes singing together with Hall and Oates. I really have nothing to say about this other than that grown men should not dance in formation. Nobody should, really.

Crystal is singing with Alanis Morissette. They changed some of the lyrics to be family friendly. I really don't approve of that, but I like Alanis so this is decent.

Carrie Underwood is onstage now. I wonder what song encouraging the destruction of private property she will belt out tonight.

Lee and Crystal helped create custom designs for the Ford Fiesta. Ford just gave them cars of their own sporting said designs. I guess they must have a great deal of faith in these kids' abilities to succeed, since they think they will actually need some cheapass cars.

Casey is singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn" with Bret Michaels. I wonder if Aguilera is the only current artist they plan on having tonight.

Lee is singing with Chicago. I had a crummy cassette of Chicago I used to play in my car when I was 16. I'm ashamed of myself.

There was just some montage of Simon fondling his own breasts and waking up next to Randy. I thought it was really stupid until I saw it was followed by a performance of "Pants on the Ground." I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Paula Abdul is now onstage in what looks like a dress made out of cotton candy to give a farewell speech to Simon. She's not funny, but she's trying. I'm just grateful she didn't sing.

The past idol winners have come together for a group song. Their backup chorus is made up of all the top ten contestants of yesteryear they could dig up. This is so fucking awful I may have to go destroy something beautiful to feel normal again.

The top ten are singing with Janet Jackson in what I can only assume and hope is the closing act before the results are revealed. Janet looks nice, though her hair is a bit short and shiny for my tastes. It looks like she used shoe polish on it. If you close your eyes, she sounds like her brother singing. Creepy.

Lee and Crystal are singing "With a Little Help From My Friends" with Joe Cocker. What would we do if you sang out of tune? Obviously we would vote you both to the top two, sillies!

Lee DeWyze is the next American Idol. Crystal looks really surprised. I don't think she or Lee expected him to win. Lee is now closing the show out by diddling "Beautiful Day" in the ass again. Fuck this show.

A-Wooooooo!!