American Idol Update: Week 12

It's movie soundtrack night on Idol. This has potential, so I am sure they will pick the oldest and most boring songs on Earth. Oh, it looks like there will be duets tonight, too. This should be dreadful.

Lee DeWyze is first with "Kiss from a Rose". I really like this song and his voice sounds okay, but he is rushing through it. This guy needs to practice with a metronome.

I am really tired of Randy saying "pitchy." Weren't you a musician? Use proper terminology, dawg.

Big Mike is next. He's freeing his willy with a terrible Michael Jackson song. This is awful. I hope he goes the hell home. Simon just made a dick joke. Better him than Ellen.

For Randy's sake, we are going to talk about music terminology. When a note is too high, it is called "sharp." When it is too low, it is called "flat."

Crystal and Lee are singing "Falling Slowly" with dueling acoustic strumming. It actually sounded pretty good. They both look stoned.

Let's talk a little bit about clefs. On the piano, the very center C key is called "middle C." The notes immediately above middle C fall on the "treble clef." Those directly below middle C fall on the "bass clef."

Casey is singing Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate. Way to stay current. He's pretty hot; he needs to just sit quietly and look pretty. I like Simon and Garfunkel for the nostalgia. This does NOT need a remake. Is that a ukulele? I'm going to my happy place now.

The volume changes in music are called "dynamics." We use Italian terms such as "piano" (soft) or "forte" (loud) to tell the musicians how loudly to play. When the music gradually gets louder, this is called a "crescendo." When it gets gradually softer, this is called "decrescendo." When it slows down, it is called "retard," which always made us giggle in junior high orchestra.

Crystal is "singing" the song from Caddyshack. Again, way to stay current, people. Governor X can't stand this woman. I normally find her to be pretty decent. Tonight she's becoming tiresome. She screams every song she touches.

Have you ever seen a band playing, and at the end they hold a long note until the director cuts them off with a hand signal? This is called a "fermata."

Oh boy, Casey and Mike are singing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman." This song is really overdone. They are in tune, for the most part, but this is a snoozefest. Ellen made a bad lesbian joke. Why is she here? She isn't remotely funny. She needs to stick to voicing cartoon fish.

The only thing that sounded remotely good was the boring duet by Crystal and Lee. Everyone interesting has been voted off.

Did you know it was Farty Bulldog Awareness Week?