Re: blogged out

We are not in (Ar)Kansas anymore...

Been awhile . . . somebody needs to air this room OUT a bit. It smells like old cheese ...

So Gov X and I continue our condiment summits and occasional exchanges of political nonsensery. Few haikus have been composed in the last year, and even fewer episodes of American Idol were watched. Since last I posted in here, I got married. Hurray, right? Damn right, hurray. It was about time, too. I was ready to buy a metal detector and start hanging out in San Clemente like a zombiefied version of Dick Nixon.

Smile - your crappy photo has been filtered and thus has aesthetic merit -------->

E-Book Lernin'...

What have I learned since then? Among many things, that BlueNapkins out Instagrams me; that GovX never ages (he's a Stepford creature); that I still haven't met Lewinstein or Ben from this blog site; that the Dodgers still cannot win a World Series. Yet, what I really learned, however, was that I did not make blogging here - or anywhere - a priority. And that is a bit pathetic. I love writing, so you might think I would blog my hands off, until my fingers were fused to the keyboard. I am online all day - so where the hell is my great American Blogvel?!

This thing called blogging - which, in case such etymological nonsense matters to you - is known in the linguistic world to be a portmanteau. Rather than the meaning which refers to a large suitcase, this type refers to a word which amalgamates two other words to form one new one. Smoke and fog became FOG (1884), while lions mated with tigers - by some sort of freakish Boy from Brazil meets Jack Hanna process, no doubt - are called ligers. I learned that Wikipedia is a portmanteau of wiki and encyclopedia. Then, of course, I had to Google 'wiki', which I have done now about 75 times over the years. I know it is a Hawaiian word, and I always think it means small, but then I always look it up and realize it means fast or quick. Ironic that such a simple, common word can be so easily forgotten, yet I recall the definition of verisimilitude and obfuscation for 30 years now without needing to crack a dictionary. Maybe the punitive pedagogy of my papally-infused education has something to do with that. Fear of detention or punishment always did bring out the more scholarly in me.

Where have all the good times gone, yo?

Blogging has become the new journalism. Newspapers are dying – so my blogs all say. I cannot find a columnist in the paper world who me makes run out and buy a newspaper at dawn, nor subscribe to one that I hope to see on my porch, not that anyone porches the papers that DO get delivered. Yet I read the scattered thoughts of a hundred users on a message board forum which I frequent every single day – and only one or two posters therein are actual journalists. Where are the modern age Mel Durslags? The new Nicholas Pileggis? Is Jimmy Cannon merely a memory, with nary a neo-acerbic New Yorker to take his place in the annals of sports reporting’s grand reverie?

PICTURED ABOVE: Jimmy Cannon, the 20th Century's foremost blogger, back when he was called a journalist. SI called him "tough and penetrating ... maudlin and manipulative." Today, I just call Sports Illustrated the People magazine of sports, and that is not including the swimsuit issue. Cannon would agree...

If my father were alive to see what has become of his beloved American English, this would kill him: my bad . . . true that …. LOL … u mad, bro? WTF ever happened to complete sentences? And what about Scarecrow’s brain?

Back to Life ...

So anyway ... I took a little time off, and it is nice to weigh in again, but this place STILL smells like cheese. Or maybe feet. Holy hell . . . it smells like cheese feet.

Fin

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

At long last, my man-crush on Landon Donovan is vindicated.

Olympics

Its time for the Olympics. Yay?

Sure, why not. After all its the Winter Olympics, which are about 500 times more interesting than the Summer Olympics. Admittedly, I don't like the winter, snow, or any of these sports, but I find them more entertaining than swimming and running. Skiing seems mildly interesting and you get the odd spectacle of sports like luge and curling.

This year the games are in Vancouver, which is famous for lenient marijuana laws and gloom. Its also now famous for not having any snow for the games. They've had to truck it in.

Stephen Colbert has taken an obsessive interest in the Olympics this year too. He's sponsoring the speed skating team and has been dubbed a member of the broadcast team by moron and head of NBC Sports Dick Ebersol. He'll be hosting his show from Vancouver this week.

What should a viewer look for? Hell if I know. The mildly hot chick seems like she's not going to do much on skis and in spite of NBC's wall to wall advertising, no one cares about Apollo Ohno. If you're one of the five people who care about hockey, I guess you can watch that and if you like energy drinks and jacked up trucks, then I'm sure you're already following Shaun White's career adamantly.

Johnny Weir is a lock to win the Gold Medal in fabulousness.

The Super Bowl is going to suck

Last year, for the first time in my life, the Super Bowl had meaning. I've suffered with the Cardinals for years and it finally paid off last season when the almost won the game. It was a rough day on me. Every play made my heart skip a beat and I ultimately ended up angry and depressed for about a week after the game. I'm sure its better if you win.

This year, I'm back to not really caring about the outcome of the game. I can't just sit back and enjoy it though because I really don't want either one of these teams to win.

Indianapolis Colts

First, f the Colts. They had a chance to shut the bitter old farts of the 72 Dolphins up once and for all, but they decided to quit. They will never be forgiven for that. In addition to that, I've loathed this team for years. I don't know why. Even that stupid horseshoe on the helmet bugs me. I can't root for these assholes.

New Orleans Saints

I kind of resent the fact that I'm expected to root for this team because New Orleans was hit by a hurricane five years ago. A Super Bowl trophy isn't going to rebuild the lower ninth ward or bring the thousands of people who died in that terrible storm back to life. Its just going to make a few drunks in the French Quarter happy. Also, "WHO DAT" annoys the hell out of me. I don't get why its catchy or clever and I'm tired of hearing it. No, I can't root for these people either.

The Who

The halftime show has been getting worse and worse since Janet Jackson's nipple was exposed for a nanosecond a few years ago. Organizers keep dusting off dinosaur bands to perform a greatest hits medley that won't offend Grandma Farnsworth in Fargo. This year its The Who, a band that hasn't been relevant since the Nixon administration. Next year, in an effort to play it even more safe, the halftime show will be a hologram of Frank Sinatra. No, I'm not looking forward to this.

Commercials

Commercials suck, but somehow our society has gotten so twisted that people actually look forward to Super Bowl commercials. Its gotten so bad that for the last two weeks we've been inundated with commercials trying to build up hype for Super Bowl commercials. To make things even worse this year, hillbilly and devoted Jesusfreak Tim Tebow will appear in an anti-abortion ad with his mother who thinks she knows better than her doctor. Keep in mind, CBS is airing this ad the same year they turned down a gay dating site's ad to avoid controversy - since as we all know, abortion is totally not controversial at all. No, I'm not excited about the commercials either.

So that's that. The game is going to suck, the halftime show is going to suck, and I don't care about the commercials. Lame. The Colts will win, probably pretty easily, and I will respond by farting in their general direction.

Adios Kurt

Future Hall of Fame quarterback and bible aficionado Kurt Warner retired today, devastating Arizona Cardinals fans everywhere. Before we talk about the suddenly bleak future of the Cards, a quick look back at Kurt's career (the short short version).

Kurt came out of a grocery store in Iowa to resurrect the Rams, winning two MVP awards and leading the long suffering franchise to a Superbowl victory. The Rams opted to throw him away shortly thereafter to go with Mark Bulger (how'd that work out for you?), so he went to New York, where in spite of not playing poorly, somehow lost his job to the less douchey Manning, Eli.

From there, Kurt would turn to the bible and emulate his hero Moses by wandering around the desert for a few years (I think it was Moses - I don't follow hockey). Fortunately for long suffering Arizona Cardinals fans, he wandered right into University of Phoenix Stadium and took the starting job away from party boy Fatty Natty Ice Leinart. With the best receiving corps in the game, Kurt again led a historically awful franchise to the Superbowl, coming within a pact-with-the-devil good catch by Santonio Holmes of winning. Kurt led the team to another NFC West victory this year and won the most amazing playoff game ever 51-45 over the Packers before the total lack of defense caught up with them. Today he walked away from the game with 2 MVP awards (and a couple MVP worthy seasons), a Superbowl victory, and the top 3 Superbowl passing performances of all time.

Now...the Cardinals. Lets just take Leinart as the starter off the table now please. He's proven he's awful, sailing passes, throwing picks, and generally playing so poorly in mop up duty the team often had to put Warner back in. Get him out of here. Send him to Seattle before Pete Carroll realizes he sucks.

The Cardinals need to set their sights on beleaguered Philly QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb already lives in Arizona and has put up amazing numbers throughout the years without more than one quality receiver at a time. Bring him to Arizona and let him throw up MVP numbers slinging the ball to Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Breaston. Look, Philly is populated by assholes. They're never going to appreciate what McNabb has done for that city. Cardinals fans have a taste of winning now and we like it. Donovan is our best bet to continue the team's winning ways.

ALCS & NLCS Prognostications

Skynet blogger and real person Finksi didn't do so well predicting the outcome of the Dodgers and Cardinals NLDS series, so this time around we've dispatched two fictional characters to preview the ALCS and NLCS. What the hell - its worth a shot. Without further ado, Skynet is proud to present the profound prognostications effeminate vampire Edward Cullen and the Prophet Muhammad.



ALCS
California Angels (97-65) at New York Yankee$ (103-59)

Edward: As you know from your dogged devotion to the insane ramblings of middle aged shrew Stephanie Meyer, we Cullens love baseball. In fact, the only thing we love more is being sexlicious. That said, I can't show any love for this series. Where are my beloved Seattle Mariners? Oh yes, they're quite dreadful. Little known fact: Ichiro sparkles in the sunlight as well, that's why he stays with that rubbish team. I don't know who to pick. I lied earlier. I don't really follow baseball. Who can find the time? My hair isn't this disheveled naturally you know. It takes hours. Every day. I guess I'll take the Angels in 6.

Muhammad: This match-up makes me SO ANGRY! GRRRR! Think about it, I get to choose between servants of the Christian god or Yankee imperialists who are undoubtedly under the control of the Zionists. Why couldn't the Twins have made it? Now there's a proper Muslim team. Ron Gardenhire won't let his wife drive. I don't care who wins this series. Go with whatever the queer vampire says.

NLCS
Philadelphia Phillies (93-69) at Los Angeles Dodgers (95-67)

Muhammad: I don't know what a Phillie or a Dodger is. Isn't a Phillie some sort of horse? Arabian horses are the shit. They aren't horses? Fuck. Apparently this is a replay of last year's NLCS. The Phillies won that one. Lightning doesn't strike twice, plus Los Angeles has their secret weapon this year: Vicente Padilla. Dodgers in 5.

Edward: Hmmm? My turn? Sorry, I was brooding. People in Philadelphia aren't very sexy. No one sparkles there. Oh sure, a few glisten, but that's because they are covered in grease from their dreadful food. These "cheese steak" things are simply abominable. That rot goes straight to my thighs. The Native American kids/werewolves seem to be high on the Phillies, so naturally I have to swing the other way. Dodgers in 7.

* * * * * * * * * *

So there it is, Edward Cullen and the Prophet Muhammad predict an Angels/Dodgers world series. Wouldn't that just cause a wave of aneurysms at ESPN! I've been rooting for a "Freeway Series" pretty much since I began following the game and this is the closest we've ever been, so who am I to disagree? Go Dodgers!

NLDS Baseball: Red Hate, Blue Fate

This is a series to watch if you want to see the NL Champion play now in case you miss the Fall Classic in a few weeks . . .

I have one clear-cut prediction to make here, and that is whichever team wins this series, I will bet every dollar in my meager bank account ... that team will play in the World Series. I thought I'd piss off a few people right away with that less-than-bold prognostication (for Rox fans - that word means 'an advance prediction/indication of events to come' ... just wanted to help you out). The Rox cannot beat the Dodgers this year and LA matches up very well versus a weakened bullpen in Philly, while the Cards have far & away the NL's best rotation & best overall player in the game in Pujols.

But my points below are less than fluffy across the board. I do not feel good about playing a Cards team that manhandled my Blue the last five years. Yes, the Cards have bumbled around the last two weeks as well, and they look more beatable than they have all year right now. But these two teams ARE the NL's best, hands down. It just a matter of who does what and when under pressure.

So here are my predictions of what I believe will be a foretaste of World Series excellence for at least one of these teams, the things which MUST or CAN'T HAPPEN to either team ...

Must Happen - StL:

- Pujols and Holliday On Fire: These two guys are powerhouses and if they heat up, forget beating the Cardinals. You cannot pitch around God and Jesus at the same time, and these two, if hot, officially comprise 2/3 of the Holy Trinity of the modern five-tool player. I'd be content to be a StL fan if these two crusha-lot in October

- Top & Bottom Lineup OBP: LaRussa juggles this lineup quite a bit (see below), but when Schumaker leads off and Molina bats 8th, this lineup is dangerous because both guys had above average on-base-percentages (.363 & .366 respectively). It's bad enough with Pujols and Holliday making your life miserable, but these two are not shabby on their own. I've seen both players be the fly in the Dodger ointment enough already, so if I see them getting on base, StL pitching will be LA's least problem. Molina is especially brutal at Dodger Stadium, where he's 3-for-7 with two 2B this season alone.

- Pitching Deep: If StL starters are still pitching in the 7th, StL wins. The end. Their bullpen isn't as good as LA's, but it's good enough to manage two innings with a lead, which it usually has with the lineup that bats 1-8 in this town. Cards fans love Carpy and Wainwright because they are strong for two turns through a lineup. Dodger fans tremble to think they'll see either man walking to the mound before or during a 7th inning stretch. Key stat: In September, Carpenter and Wainwright are a tag-team monstrosity: 73 strikeouts, average ERA of about 2.65, and 67 hits allowed in 75 innings, only two for home runs . . . Judas priest . . .

Must Happen - LA:

- Furcal Rockin' the Leadoff: As goes the leadoff man, so goes this team - Furcal has to earn bases or this series will be one short misery for LA. I love my Dodgers and always will, but this Latino headcase has one job - get on base, run like a deer, and make StL pitchers worry about him instead of whoever is at the plate. To his credit, Rafael has been swinging and running better the last two weeks, but he needs to try his bunt more often and pester the pitcher when he does get on. Because of back pain, he ran less this season than ever before, so Dodger fans pray for a Furcal in motion ... for Newtonian purposes if nothing else.

- Manny Being Something Like Last Year: The bane of all the whining maggot opponents who (regardless of their bull**it denials of same) wish Manny played on their team, Mr. Ramirez has to be his October self for LA to win. I would have listed this first except that Manny hit a number of solo jacks and doubles this year when Furcal was not ahead of him, which is why the Dodger SS must do his thing for Manny to do his. Alone, Manny is a handful for pitchers when his game is on, but with help and a hot ManRam (does that read as pornographically as it felt typing it?), Los Angeles is a juggernaut that rivals Pujols & Pals for incendiary offensive potential.

- First Strike Starters: Simply put, Dodger pitching is best when they are around the plate; the defense is solid and can field the ball, and Dodger Stadium & Busch are tough to go deep in, so putting the ball in play is a good thing. Whenever Dodger starters, especially Wolf and Kershaw, get the ball over early, opposing hitters swing sooner than they want to and LA benefits. Dodger fans smile at 0-1 counts because it bodes well for victory, especially so with the NL's best bullpen behind those starters.

Can't Happen - StL:

- Prince Albert in a Can: If you quiet Pujols, you just defeated Poseidon at sea. Any damn fool knows that if you keep Albert below a hit a game or off the bases entirely, you magnify your chances to win. StL fans love Albert, and he's lovable win or lose, as he's as much a gentleman as the game has right now. But Missouri will weep the river over its banks if Albert goes 0-for-October. He's simply the best there is, and he has to show up. If he doesn't, I hope Cards fans don't mind watching the Rams lose because that'll be all they have to do for awhile...

- Pitching a Fit: Of late, Carpenter and Wainwright have been amazing, but the same cannot be said for Lohse, Franklin, Smoltz or Pineiro. Maybe it's because they ran away with the division and they lost their edge, or maybe it's a psych job on the Dodgers. But if the season has worn them down and they can't get ahead early and make hitters go for their breaking balls disguised as heaters, Cards fans will twitch all the way to Christmas. True, Carpy and Wain appear formidably unbeatable, but if LA beats one of those studs, they face a staff that is less than impressive and even at Busch, can be gotten to.

- Micro-Tony, the Fat Vegetarian: I'm no fan of the Cardinal skipper. He worries the lineup with his fiddling about and his back & forth moves in the lineup. Torre is bad but LaRussa is worse. His foolishness in this manner mangled the Cards a few years ago in the World Series when they got beat by the BoSox. He either leaves a pitcher in too long, pulls him too early, or switches a hitter out a slot and kills someone else's rhythm. LaRussa is tabbed a genius but he reminds me of Lumberg in "Office Space" . . . and he doesn't eat meat, can't handle his booze, and he's a bit fat for an Italian . . . oh wait, Lasorda is too . . . so that last part may be dismissed . . .

Can't Happen - LA:

- No Show Offense: Dear Dodgers, April was a lovely month for baseball, so please try to hit that way. Your second half slumber on many a summer's night was surviveable because you had a lead bigger than Glenn Beck's ego and you had two suckass teams chasing you that couldn't catch the clap in a French cathouse. I'd make this blurb more specific, like who should hit what or why this position needs these stats, but LA won games on different bats all year, albeit most dramatically via Andre's walkoffs and Manny's Bobblehead BigFly. But Judas . . . this is the playoffs; score like before or play golf in mid-October. The End. This isn't poetry, it's baseball.

- In God We Trust, But Not Billingsley & McDonald: Chad is talented, but if Torre opts to start the kid, it's a white flag (thank you, Gov X), and if you see LB Poly's McD leaving the bully and heading to a mound, pray for lightning. Both of these lads mean well and have some game, but for whatever mental or developmental reasons, they are not ready for prime time. Mop up, OK, but both need splinters in their butts before entering a game of any tightness whatsoever.

- Playing the Fop: If a game gets tight, or a Cardinal needs to get plunked, or a catcher needs to be knocked over, LA cannot pretend to be a gentleman. This is hardball and any attempt to be nicey-nice will lose the Dodgers a game and the series, just like that same lack of killer instinct lost the series to Philly last year. Play like a man or go home now, Blue.

PREDICTION: from the heart, LA in 5, from the wallet, StL in 4.

If LA loses, Clayton's start at home in Game 2 will be their sole victory, and if LA wins it , they'll split at home and win Game 3 in StL, forcing a dramatic Game Five in LA.

So have some huevos and call the series now - any jackass who thinks he can predict stuff two days after it wraps shall receive my utter disdain and vitriolic redress.

And I wear one piece of gear: Jackie Robinson's #42 Dodger jersey. If you are the type who buys the eventual winner's gear after it's all over - please go get a vasectomy or tubal ligation. Weaklings and pukes that do that deserve not the pleasures of the mating process, nor the infected offspring that generate from their unnatural union.

"Look upon the hideous site! Bandwagoners in brand-new Angel jerseys are making the beast with two backs! BURN THE APOSTATES!!!" ~ comment heard outside Anaslime Stadium in November of 2002 . . .

Addendum: Biggest Joy/Flop for StL/LA in series...

StL Joy: Mark DeRosa's play will be solid, on the field & basepaths, making Cub Nation slice their collective wrists and wish they'd never been born in the first place...

StL Flop: John Smoltz's journeyman rep will be tarnished when the BoSox version of his rag-arm shows up and gets shredded by Dodger bats...

LA Joy: Ethier's bat will re-awaken & make Billy Beane commit seppuku, and Kemp will shine in CF, with arm & glove alike...

LA Flop: Loney & Hudson will hit weakly, and will score less than Bill Clinton at a lesbian social ...

Yours in October Love,

Finski, Dodger Fan, always and forever . . .

NBA All Star Game Highs & Lows

Last night, the West beat the East 146-119 in the NBA's annual All Star Game. Kobe Bryant and Shaq split the MVP honors. Here are the highs and lows, somewhat grouped by theme:

High - Craig Sager's pink sofa fabric coat.
The first thing I see when I turn TNT on is pimptastic Craig Sager decked out in a pink sport coat which could have been made out of my late great-grandmother's curtains or sofa. Get me the number of that man's tailor.

Low - Endless discussion of Allen Iverson's hair.
When someone with short hair gets a haircut, its not news. Frankly, when anyone gets a haircut it isn't news. Unless it's Britney Spears shaving her head. Then it's celebrity gossip. Either way, keep it off my basketball broadcast.

High - Jordin Sparks singing the national anthem.
Since she already sings it at every major sporting event in Arizona, I suggest we just let her do it before all big games held throughout the year. No one out there today does it better.

Low - Grant Hill's wife singing Oh Canada in French.
Hearing Oh Canada before the game is bad enough, but hearing it in French? In Phoenix? No. Just no. Damned Canadians with their flapping heads and beady eyes...

High - Shaq's entrance.
Shaq has always been of my favorites, even when he was on the friggin Lakers and his goofy entrance wearing a mask and dancing with JabbaWockeeZ got the evening off to a fun start.

Low - H-O-R-S-E becoming G-E-I-C-O.
I was genuinely excited when I heard the NBA was bringing H-O-R-S-E to All Star weekend. Then I heard they sold out to Geico and that bloody British lizard. One day I'll see his little green head on a pike.

High - Dwight Howard
Dwight Howard has quickly become one of my favorite players in the league and his performance in the dunk contest and in the game were spectacular as expected. He got robbed in the dunk contest though. Hard to top last year's Superman I guess.

Low - Third straight All Star snub of Deron Williams.
In his short NBA career, Williams has already proven to be one of the finest young guards in the game. With Boozer and AK47 out, Williams' has practically carried the Jazz on his shoulders. The absence of this kid in the All Star game is a disgrace.

High - An opportunity to appreciate Kobe Bryant.
When you're a Lakers hater in Lakers country, you don't get many opportunities to admit Kobe can be fun to watch. Here's my chance. Kobe is fun to watch. Some of the moves he makes defy the laws of physics as I know them.

Low - Tim Duncan and Tony Parker-Longoria
In contrast with Kobe and most of the other All Stars, Tim Duncan is like watching a snail ooze its way across the sidewalk after a spring rainstorm. He's so boring I just fell asleep writing about him. Tony Parker-Longoria? Well, I just don't like him. Listen to his French rap and you won't like him either.

High - The game itself.
The NBA's All Star game is the only one in the three major sports that is worth watching. For pure fun, it can't be beat. MLB took every bit of fun out of theirs when they "made it count" and also, as an NL fan, not winning one since 'Nam has grown tiresome. The NFL's Pro-Bowl is a complete sham. Half the guys don't show up and then they ones who do play like two series. Nuts to that.

The NBA has it right. The game is pure entertainment. Its our chance to watch the league's best (minus Deron Williams) run around having fun and dropping 120+ on each other. Better still? The coaches let the big guys play most of the game. If you didn't watch it, you missed out.

Game photos were found on Daylife.com.