American Idol Season Finale

Finally, the ponderous slog through this awful season is drawing to a close. We are down to Lee and Crystal, boring vs. boar, in what is sure to be a completely anticlimactic battle. There are to be three rounds this time, the first one a rehash of a previous performance, the second a random choice, and the third is what single the winner will release.

Lee starts off the night by singing "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel again. It is absolutely tedious, and this is coming from a woman who adores the song. He looks stoned and clueless, like he doesn't know where the hell he is when he's singing.

Crystal answers Lee's outdated song with one of her own, "Me and Bobby McGee." This is another song I like, and while she isn't perfect, she avoids screaming and looks alert. Her dreadful grill is still distracting me. I wonder if her breath smells like rotting meat?

Round two: Fight! Lee is performing R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." This is horrendous. Everybody listening to this horseshit certainly hurts. We here at Skynet have a great love for R.E.M. Lee's whining, monotone voice is destroying something wholesome and pure. I don't think this guy has any testicles.

Crystal has decided to go with something we only hear 500 times every Idol audition: "Black Velvet." Really? I guess it might sound pretty darn good, but I just cannot get past this horrible song choice. Also, Crystal is wearing what looks like a hefty bag. Hot.

The third round is nigh. Lee is doing a cover of U2's "Beautiful Day." If you are remotely familiar with Skynet and its writers, you understand that Lee may now be in terrible danger for daring to publicly molest a U2 song in this manner. He sounds terrible; he can't stay on key and his voice is nasally.

For the final performance of the night, Crystal has chosen something I have never heard before called "Up to the Mountain." Sorry, Governor X, but this actually sounds pretty damn good. I may be biased because of my new-found seething hatred for Lee and all that he loves, and I certainly wouldn't voluntarily play this tune in my car, but I am calling Bowersox for the win this year.