American Idol Update: Week 5 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

The hardest part of the American Idol update is picking each week's featured artist. Our last artist was Rene Magritte. Tonight I've decided to feature Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, a 5ft tall French product of inbreeding (his two grandmothers were sisters) who enjoyed absinthe and painting ladies of the night. Back to him in a minute.

I've already forgotten the count on Idol, but its no matter. Skynet has already decided Siobhan Magnus is the real winner. Blue Napkins feels she has a headless doll collection, but she can sing. No one else can. I don't think anyone else on the show has a headless doll collection either. Aaron Kelly may have a headless teenage boy collection under his house when he's 40 or so, but that's another topic for another day.

Our first work tonight is At the Moulin Rouge, oil on canvas 1892/93. Now Idol...

Tonight's generic theme is Billboard's #1's. Lame.

Wow, speaking of lame, the mentor is Miley Cyrus. Shouldn't you have some actual talent at what you do to be a mentor? Unless she's coaching the contestants to be as white trashy as possible this is going to be a disaster.

Lee Dewyze - This guy. Eesh. Lautrec facts...according to wiki, "Toulouse-Lautrec created 737 canvases, 275 watercolours, 363 prints and posters, 5,084 drawings, some ceramic and stained glass work, and an unknown number of lost works" in less than 20 years. Prolific. Too bad he isn't still alive. We could have him blogging here and he would single handedly keep the site going.

Paige Miles - Miley Cyrus sounds like she's been smoking two packs a day for 30 years. Isn't she 17? Jesus. Nice parenting there Billy Ray. Paige usually isn't that bad. She takes a lot of abuse on the internets, but not here. We never say anything negative about anyone, especially not 17 year old chain smokers with no talent like Miley Cyrus. I have to admit though, that performance was brutal.

Tim Urban - Vote for the Worst has latched on to Tim and he brought his A (F?) game tonight with Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Vote for the Worst has chosen wisely.

Aaron Kelly - Bodies under the house dude. My favorite depiction of Toulouse-Lautrec was John Leguizamo in Baz Luhrman's classic Moulin Rouge. Its required viewing for Skynet. If you haven't seen it, you have to leave.

Crystal Bowersox. Toulouse-Lautrec loved, LOVED the absinthe. Ever try it? I had a go at in last winter. It tasted like licorice and it didn't make me want to paint. Fail.

Michael Lynche - This guy started out with potential singing Maroon 5. It was funny because he's a very very heavy set fellow. He's really regressed into a series of boring slow jams. You ain't Barry White dude.

Andrew Garcia - I don't even care about this guy. If he burst into flame on stage right now he'd still be boring.

Katie Stevens - Last week a few 6 year olds totally PWNED this song at the Bridge Club's Poker Night. This version isn't awful, but it isn't great either. Ellen will probably talk about brown bananas.

Casey James - What the hell happened to Huey Lewis? He had huge hits, then vanished only to turn up again in that ghastly karaoke movie with Gwenyth Paltrow before vanishing a second time. This performance isn't bad.

Didi Benami - I don't even care about this girl. If she burst into flame on stage right now she'd still be boring.

Siobhan Magnus - They saved the best for last! Weird weird look this week, but is that at all shocking? No. Just give her the title now.

A little Toulouse-Lautrec, a lot of Idol this week. Maybe I'll give you some more info about him next week since we were a little Idol heavy this week.

HAVE ANOTHER GLASS...