American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 1)

Another Tuesday evening down the drain...this is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California's American Idol update. Ladies are bumped because one of them is in the hospital (probably having her organs harvested), so the guys get to destroy perfectly good songs first this week.

Enjoy this Roy Lichtenstein work, The Melody Haunts My Reverie oil on canvas from 1965 --->

It is likely the last thing you'll enjoy tonight.

Michael Lynche - Fat Guy kicks it off this week with a preposterous slow jam version of James Brown's This is a Man's World. Its a little early to say this makes me want to stick cotton balls in my ears, so I will hold off. Oh god, he's still singing - can I say it now?

John Park - His first language is Korean. Perhaps he should sing in Korean. How do you say "that was a little pitchy in parts dawg" in Korean? The train horn I hear in the distance sounds better than this.

Casey James - He's doing a Gavin Degraw song that has been done previously by Bo Bice and Elliot Yamin (Channel 4's special Chilean earthquake correspondent). I don't know who Gavin Degraw is, but this song is fucking ghastly.

Alex Lambert - Mullet kid is wearing a plaid jacket, discussing puking with Ryan, and singing John Legend this week. I'm going to pretend this isn't happening and just think about something more exciting like sitting on hold with the car insurance company or doing laundry.

Toddrick Hall - For the 2nd week in a row, he's singing a song by a female artist. I give him props for having the balls to do that, but he just isn't that good. He's doing Tina Turner this week, and I for one would have preferred to hear Private Dancer.

Jermaine Sellers - The intros have really got to stop. This guy revealed he wears a onesie and steams his voice before each performance. Steaming his voice isn't going to make this snoozy version of What's Going On any better though.

Andrew Garcia - I'm really starting to space out here. Did you know the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth's axis and shortened the length of the day by 1.26 microseconds? That's not a lot but it amazes me none the less.

Aaron Kelly - Each singer is worse than the last now... This copy of Season 10 of Dallas is beckoning. At the end of season 9, Pam had just found Bobby in the shower. Apparently his death and that stupid Angelica Nero plotline were just a dream! I forget what was happening in season 8, so I expect to be lost.

Tim Urban - Only one more after this. Nights like these could make the Pope lose his faith.

Lee Dewyze - Regular high school was too much for him. Why isn't this dude changing the oil in my car? He will be soon enough after that.

Well, that may be the worst episode of Idol ever. Even at its lowest point there has been something to salvage the show. Paula's drunken ramblings would have really hit the spot tonight, but no, we have Ellen and her so-called "comedy". The women should probably step it up tomorrow. Frankly, nails on a chalkboard would sound better than the guys did tonight, so it shouldn't be hard to top this.