How to Survive a Teabagger Attack

As tensions mount and the right wing continues to not get its way, the amount of violent outbursts have increased tenfold. It is important for all Obama supporters to take safety measures to avoid being the victim of these potential terrorists and their fear driven tirade.

Avoid them. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's amazing how many dipshits go waltzing into Wal-mart wearing a Che Geuvara shirt, and then act surprised that the rubes hanging around the guns and ammo section get testy. If you are not one of them, it is really best to avoid the areas they congregate until this all blows over. I recommend avoiding Wal-mart, Nascar tracks, tackle shops, gun shows and anything advertising free beer.

Camouflage. If you find yourself in a position where you absolutely must walk amongst them, it is best to blend in. Leave your patent leather Versace man-purse (don't tell me it's a damn satchel) at home. Wear your cheapest jeans or favorite sweatpants/pajama bottoms and a simple t-shirt, perhaps one with an advert for motorcycles or cigarettes. If you have time ahead to plan, try growing a beard. (This applies to ladies as well.) You may want to wear sunglasses to disguise your looks of disdain. Practice distracting phrases, in case you are cornered and forced to communicate, such as, "Hey look! Is that Sarah Palin over there?" and, "That guy told me your wife voted for Hillary." This will give you time to escape.

Just pretend you are one of the zombies.

Oh bollocks! You've been discovered! The horde has noticed your patchouli-scented deodorant and grown suspicious, perhaps even angry and violent. There are two important things you must remember when confronted with grumpy teabaggers. First, you cannot reason with them once they have made a decision. If they have decided you are the enemy, they will continue to detest you unto their last breath, so do not try to talk your way out of the situation. Second, playing dead will not work. Unlike a wild animal, who only wants you to leave their territory, angry teabaggers want to punish you for every perceived sin committed by anyone, ever. If you fall to the ground, seemingly dead, they will kick and beat you to a pulp, fueled by their extensive practice beating dead horses.

Your best option is flight. Have you ever taken a look at a group of teabaggers? There are very few athletes amongst them. Outrunning them should not be difficult. If you find yourself in a contained area (you fool!) where outright flight is impossible, try climbing a tree or short flight of stairs. Most teabaggers will get winded and give you up for lost. There is a good chance some of them will be armed. Remember, they have guns, but few of them have ever fired at anything moving, only beer cans and pictures of Nancy Pelosi. Be sure to zig-zag as you flee. Chances are they will accidentally shoot each other rather than you.

Teabaggers in the family. Ah, hell. Those are tricky. I am willing to bet that those of you with teabaggers amongst your relations, like myself, have a vast array of avoidance skills in your arsenal. Keeping your mouth shut and changing the subject can be powerful tools. If you are new to the exciting world of being related to these people, perhaps married into a family with a neo-con infestation, the same rules apply for survival. Limit contact as much as possible. Try not to get noticed at family gatherings. If things start to get a little tense, find a reason to take off early or offer to run to the store for more Kool-aid. Avoid arguments and outright confrontation unless you are ready for the battle of a lifetime.

Remember, it will all be over soon. Much like the backlash to social security, this will blow over and most likely even gain bipartisan popularity. You just need to wait it out. Sometimes children must be forced to take their medicine for their own good. Ignore the tantrum and wait for the lesson to stick.