New Moon...The Vampires Ruin Everything

New Moon is about to hit theaters, and the tweens and emotionally stunted women everywhere are on the verge of flinging their panties at the mere thought of "Rob". We here at Skynet always strive to stay ahead of the curve when it comes to pop culture, but we're usually a few steps behind. Such is the case with New Moon. The movie is out Friday, but we've only just slogged through the 560 or so pages of Stephanie Meyer's second sad attempt to escape from a life of Mormon oppresion and sexual boredom. She goes off on a werewolf tangent this time. Oh yes, there will be werewolves...

You'll of course recall the basic premise of Twilight: Some clutzy girl falls in love with a cool skinned bloodsucking douchebag with big hair. I think there was some subplot about a Native American kid selling her a truck or something too. When I said you will recall Twilight, I really meant you. My mind tuned most of it out. Most of the memories have been replaced by owls to protect my fragile psyche.

Anyway, the clutzy girl (Bella) is now 18 (I think - her father still grounds her, which doesn't add up to me. Must be some LDS thing.) and her douchey vampire beau Edward Cullen has planned something cartoonishly elaborate and romantic, because no one appreciates romance like an 18 year old. Since she's a clutz, she falls and cuts herself, and with vampires present, one attacks and Edward has to fend him off. Ever sensitive Edward (vampires apparently ride the same emotional rollercoaster as menopausal women) decides the only way to protect her is to vanish forever and never see her again. The Cullens all move out.

Bella is a wreck for months until her dad pounds the table and says "Hey, stop this tomfoolery!" She feigns interest in friends at first to appease him, but eventually forges a real relationship with the Native American kid Jacob Black. They decide to build motorcycles in what can only be a misguided attempt to get an unwatchable TV show on TLC and while riding, Bella realizes she's hearing voices. One voice to be precise and you'll never guess who!

She keeps hearing his voice, but at the same time she's getting really cozy with young Mr. Black who totally has wood for her. She wants him too, but resists out of some insane loyalty to the douchey vampire who abandoned her and left her life in shambles. He continues to make subtle advances towards her, but to no avail. He should have listened to more Leykis 101. If he had just stopped returning her calls, she would have been all over him.

Its round about here where I realize this book isn't nearly as painful as Twilight. Its certainly not good - I mean, it is just a dumb story about teenagers, but page after page isn't devoted to how awesomely exfoliated the vampires' skin is. Ms. Meyer can't leave well enough alone though and quickly brings the bloodsuckers back, which as you may have guessed causes the Native American kids to turn into werewolves. They try to hunt down a vampire who is after Bella, but she keeps doing dumb shit to hear Edward's voice. This time she jumps off a cliff into the sea. That water in Washington is too bloody cold. She's nuts.

Edward gets wind of this, assumes Bella is dead, and heads to Italy where he intends to commit suicide with the aid of the Volturi (old, possibly gay, Italian vampires with a penchant for talking with their hands and Fiats). How will he commit suicide? He's going to walk shirtless into the sunlight, so the Volturi will have to kill him. Oh shit...I should have said spoiler alert. It doesn't really matter though. One of the other Cullens takes Bella to Italy to prove to Edward she's alive. Bella, being a shallow whore, dumps poor Jacob Black like a sack of trash when she hears Edward is in need.

She gets there in time to stop Edward, but the Volturi are still pissed that they were going to be used as pawns in this crappy teenage love triangle. An entire chapter is used to build up suspense and then....and then!!!! And then, the Volturi let them go after they make Bella perform a few parlor tricks. Are you kidding me?

After that, its back to Washington with Edward safely in tow and Ms. Meyer starts devoting page after page to how beautiful he is. I want to scoop my eyes out at this point so I stop reading, but I can't, because quitters never win and winners never quit - or so Lou Holtz told me. They emote all over each other with tales of how their love will last forever. I start to really space out at this point, so I don't know how exactly it happened, but they went to the Cullens to vote on whether or not to turn her into a vampire. Bella successfully wins over Joe Lieberman to break the filibuster and they vote to change her, but not right away. Edward wants her to wait until they're married.

The book abruptly ends with Bella's dad imploring her to visit with Jacob Black, you remember, the guy she spent about two thirds of the book with. Edward won't have any of it though because of some treaty with the werewolves. Whatever.

I don't think I can bear another one of these. They're just so insufferable when the vampires are around. Ms. Meyer clearly needs to get laid more often so she actually tells a story instead of spending half her book idolizing a goofy looking vampire. For what its worth, New Moon is better than Twilight - much in the same way a kick in the ass is better than a kick in the balls.