I Have Had Enough of Insipid Lap-Band Adverts

It is difficult for me to pin down what exactly bothers me so much about these billboards that now dot the California freeways with more frequency than any other advertisement I can recall. It isn't that I have no reason, but rather that I have a myriad of them. So I present to you my ramblings about why these things need to be torched to the ground.

Billboards Suck. I understand that they are on private property, and that legally that property can be used to rent out advertising space, but I really detest seeing a huge ugly thing on my skyline where I would prefer mountains.

The Lap-band Sucks. I know it is considered incredibly insensitive to say that weight loss surgery is lame. It is very judgmental to believe that those who choose surgery over self-discipline to be weak and brainwashed sheep. I guess I am incredibly insensitive and judgmental.

Allow me to clarify. Weight-loss surgery is an excellent resource and an incredible procedure for people who possess a medical need for it. The 500 lbs person who can no longer walk is not about to exercise those pounds away. The older person with rampant diabetes and heart disease MUST lose weight quickly to add years to their lifespan. I am completely in favor of this procedure being available to these people. I am even in favor of insurance companies covering the surgery in these extreme cases. The problem lies in the fact that many of these surgeries are conducted on people who are perfectly capable of losing weight the normal way.

The adverts are also misleading, implying that the lap-band is a quick and easy fix. In actuality, it is painful and will force you to eat protein supplements and weird textures for the rest of your life. I will say this for the lap-band, wikipedia reports that only 1 in 2000 patients who get the band die from it. Gastric bypass has a mortality rate of 1 in 250.

There are Too Damn Many of Them! I counted 17 of these signs on my drive to Governor X's place and back. This is a 45 mile drive.

The Company Behind Them is Shady. TopSurgeons has some really questionable business practices and is run by two doctors who have lost their licenses, as revealed by the LA Times. That's really a company I want to put my medical well-being and life into the hands of.

Taking Advantage of Illness to Make Money is Morally Reprehensible. I am not talking about weight when I say illness; I am talking about mental illness, such as low self-esteem and eating disorders. Surgery appeals to people because it seems easy and takes the brunt of the responsibility for their condition off their own shoulders. It does not cure the underlying causes of their obesity. Many people who get the surgery gain their weight back after several years. These individuals need real healing, therapy to help them regain control of themselves and their lives. The last thing they need is for someone to cut on their body until it is as mutilated and scarred as their psyche.

Medical Procedures and Medications Should be Recommended by a Doctor, Not an Advert. I have a real problem with the advertising of any medical procedures or medications. People should not be hearing about a pill or operation and then checking to see if they need it. When a patient has a condition, then they and their physician work to treat that condition. This approach of advertising medication as though it were a new brand of clothing has led us to become a nation of legally-prescribed drug addicts.

Good Health is More Than Weight. Good health comes from eating a balanced diet and exercising, not from being forced to starve yourself by having a bit of plastic tied around your insides. It isn't the weight of Americans that are making them sick, but the lifestyle choices they have made that got them fat in the first place.

Suck It. If you have gotten surgery yourself that was not medically necessary, I'm sorry you were duped. Before I get flamed by anyone, I would like to note that I am no pixie myself. But I have dropped more than 20% of my body weight in the last 9 months by eating well and moving my ass. It helps to have some nancy-boys around to slam tennis balls at.

Sparklecados: Day 181

Just a brief update today. Sparklecado #4: A New Hope has begun.

Sparklecados: Day 179

There have been some exciting developments on the Sparklecado front. Our stalwart, Sparklecado #1 had developed a small stem and the beginnings of some tiny leaves, so it was time to kick it out of the nest and move it into a home of its own. Today, just shy of six months after our experiment began, it was transferred from the Twilight cup to its permanent home in a terra cotta pot. It still hasn't sparkled, but it still may some day. Sparklecado #3, started just 34 days ago has shown significant growth. I expect to transfer it to soil far sooner than Sparklecado #1. There is yet another pit drying on my counter as I type this, and in a couple days, it will become Sparklecado #4: A New Hope.

Sparklecado #1, quite ready to face the world on its own without the help of the insipid Cullens.

Sparklecado #3 is thus far easily outpacing its predecessors.

Sparklecado #1 is barely visible in its new home for the moment, but it will soon grown into a mighty tree. Sparklecado #3, with something to prove, sits in the shadow of its gas-giant of an older brother.

Is This Thing On?

So, its been dead around here, but I promise Skynet is still alive and well. The problem is, we're all lazy. Keep checking back for new articles on topics varying from my outrage over not being able to buy horse meat to how much TV's in public suck.

These Are the People in Your Karaoke Bar

I must admit, I enjoy the occasional visit to a karaoke establishment. I used to attend on a weekly basis with friends. While it is a lot of fun to sing in front of an audience, the drama that surrounds karaoke "regulars" has gotten to be too much for me. So now, without further ado, I present a breakdown of your typical karaoke fans.

The Loud Drunk Asshole. These seem to be a staple in every karaoke bar. They are usually in their 30s, overweight, and playing pool or darts. They will pick a song like "Hotel California" or "Knocking on Heaven's Door" and sing it far too loudly and off key, occasionally yelling unintelligible nonsense into the mic. Whenever anyone else sings, they will cheer loudly and tell them, "You rock, man!"

The Dorky Hipster. These are usually decidedly geeky guys who sing karaoke to be ironic. They will stand onstage with one hand in their pocket, looking completely disinterested, and sing something ridiculous, like Weird Al's "Yoda" or a Lady Gaga tune. They are usually drinking lager.

The Cutesy Girl. The cutesy girl looks too young to even be in a bar. She will be wearing a tight shirt and she will bounce while she sings a Shania Twain song. Sometimes she is an awesome singer. Sometimes she sucks. All of the Loud Drunk Assholes will cheer either way.

The Broken-Hearted Fat Chick. This girl will always sing a sad, slow love song. She is usually accompanied by two or three other corpulent girls who will cry during her rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings."

The Professional Jackass. These are usually men, around fifty years old, who have formal voice training. There are the occasional, rare female Professional Jackasses. He will walk into the bar about once every two months and select the same song every time. He will order only water with lemon. He will sing his selection with a cocky look on his face, sniff disdainfully, then leave before having to speak to any of the riffraff.

The SRS BSNS Regular. For this person, karaoke is not a pastime, it is a way of life. They will spend time and money practicing all week for their Saturday "performance". They are most likely the sad remnants of a little girl who always wanted to be a rock star when she grew up. They NEVER miss karaoke. They hate the Cutesy Girl. They wish all the Drunks and Hipsters would go away, because they just don't take this seriously enough. If anyone sings well, they will viciously attack them behind their back, because there CAN BE ONLY ONE. They may stomp off home if their rendition of "Me and Bobby McGee" doesn't get a standing ovation. If anyone sings a song that they enjoy singing, they hate them for "stealing their song." Every karaoke bar will end up developing at least two of these individuals by the third month of being open.