Awesome Rant from Bill Maher

From the Sept 25th episode of "Real Time":

New Rule: The next rich person who publicly complains about being vilified by the Obama administration must be publicly vilified by the Obama administration. It's so hard for one person to tell another person what constitutes being "rich", or what tax rate is "too much." But I've done some math that indicates that, considering the hole this country is in, if you are earning more than a million dollars a year and are complaining about a 3.6% tax increase, then you are by definition a greedy asshole.

And let's be clear: that's 3.6% only on income above 250 grand -- your first 250, that's still on the house. Now, this week we got some horrible news: that one in seven Americans are now living below the poverty line. But I want to point you to an American who is truly suffering: Ben Stein. You know Ben Stein, the guy who got rich because when he talks it sounds so boring it's actually funny. He had a game show on Comedy Central, does eye drop commercials, doesn't believe in evolution? Yeah, that asshole. I kid Ben -- so, the other day Ben wrote an article about his struggle. His struggle as a wealthy person facing the prospect of a slightly higher marginal tax rate. Specifically, Ben said that when he was finished paying taxes and his agents, he was left with only 35 cents for every dollar he earned. Which is shocking, Ben Stein has an agent? I didn't know Broadway Danny Rose was still working.

Ben whines in his article about how he's worked for every dollar he has -- if by work you mean saying the word "Bueller" in a movie 25 years ago. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's just that at a time when people in America are desperate and you're raking in the bucks promoting some sleazy Free Credit Score dot-com... maybe you shouldn't be asking us for sympathy. Instead, you should be down on your knees thanking God and/or Ronald Reagan that you were lucky enough to be born in a country where a useless schmuck who contributes absolutely nothing to society can somehow manage to find himself in the top marginal tax bracket.

And you're welcome to come on the show anytime.

Now I can hear you out there saying, "Come on Bill, don't be so hard on Ben Stein, he does a lot of voiceover work, and that's hard work." Ok, it's true, Ben is hardly the only rich person these days crying like a baby who's fallen off his bouncy seat. Last week Mayor Bloomberg of New York complained that all his wealthy friends are very upset with mean ol' President Poopy-Pants: He said they all say the same thing: "I knew I was going to have to pay more taxes. But I didn't expect to be vilified." Poor billionaires -- they just can't catch a break.

First off, far from being vilified, we bailed you out -- you mean we were supposed to give you all that money and kiss your ass, too? That's Hollywood you're thinking of. FDR, he knew how to vilify; this guy, not so much. And second, you should have been vilified -- because you're the vill-ains! I'm sure a lot of you are very nice people. And I'm sure a lot of you are jerks. In other words, you're people. But you are the villains. Who do you think outsourced all the jobs, destroyed the unions, and replaced workers with desperate immigrants and teenagers in China. Joe the Plumber?

And right now, while we run trillion dollar deficits, Republicans are holding America hostage to the cause of preserving the Bush tax cuts that benefit the wealthiest 1% of people, many of them dead. They say that we need to keep taxes on the rich low because they're the job creators. They're not. They're much more likely to save money through mergers and outsourcing and cheap immigrant labor, and pass the unemployment along to you.

Americans think rich people must be brilliant; no -- just ruthless. Meg Whitman is running for Governor out here, and her claim to fame is, she started e-Bay. Yes, Meg tapped into the Zeitgeist, the zeitgeist being the desperate need of millions of Americans to scrape a few dollars together by selling the useless crap in their garage. What is e-Bay but a big cyber lawn sale that you can visit without putting your clothes on?

Another of my favorites, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said, "I don't know where they're going to get all this money, because we're running out of rich people in this country." Actually, we have more billionaires here in the U.S. than all the other countries in the top ten combined, and their wealth grew 27% in the last year. Did yours? Truth is, there are only two things that the United States is not running out of: Rich people and bullshit. Here's the truth: When you raise taxes slightly on the wealthy, it obviously doesn't destroy the economy -- we know this, because we just did it -- remember the '90's? It wasn't that long ago. You were probably listening to grunge music, or dabbling in witchcraft. Clinton moved the top marginal rate from 36 to 39% -- and far from tanking, the economy did so well he had time to get his dick washed.

Even 39% isn't high by historical standards. Under Eisenhower, the top tax rate was 91%. Under Nixon, it was 70%. Obama just wants to kick it back to 39 -- just three more points for the very rich. Not back to 91, or 70. Three points. And they go insane. Steve Forbes said that Obama, quote "believes from his inner core that people... above a certain income have more than they should have and that many probably have gotten it from ill-gotten ways." Which they have. Steve Forbes, of course, came by his fortune honestly: he inherited it from his gay egg-collecting, Elizabeth Taylor fag-hagging father, who inherited it from his father. Of course then they moan about the inheritance tax, how the government took 55% percent when Daddy died -- which means you still got 45% for doing nothing more than starting out life as your father's pecker-snot.

We don't hate rich people, but have a little humility about how you got it and stop complaining. Maybe the worst whiner of all: Stephen Schwarzman, #69 on Forbes' list of richest Americans, compared Obama's tax hike to "when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939." Wow. If Obama were Hitler, Mr. Schwarzman, I think your tax rate would be the least of your worries. 

Machete is a Masterpiece

Robert Rodriguez' latest work, the faux trailer turned feature film, Machete, is absurd over-the-top film making at its finest.

The shockingly 66 year old Danny Trejo plays Machete, a former Federale who lost his family to a drug lord (played corpulently by Steven Seagal)now just trying to get by in the US. He catches the eye of a sleazebag named Booth who hires him to shoot racist anti-immigrant state senator Robert DeNiro, who spends his leisure time shooting migrants with his Minuteman-like buddy Don Johnson. Where it goes from there, you'll just have to watch and see. Suffice it to say you'll eventually see Cheech Marin as a priest, Michelle Rodriguez as a guerilla leader, and Lindsay Lohan as a nun. Oh yes, a nun.

If it sounds ridiculous, it is. Its supposed to be. In the spirit of Planet Terror, Rodriguez uses an action movie to skewer every moronic action flick ever made. The result is, as I said, pure brilliance. There isn't a serious moment in the entire movie. There's a hint here and there of some social commentary about the anti-immigrant fervor that periodically grips White America might not be tongue in cheek, but when it ultimately results in someone standing on a car and yelling "We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us!" you know its all an elaborate joke.

My only worry is that not everyone will get it. The theater I was in seemed to be an equal mix of constant laughter from some of us and utter confusion from others. It would be a shame if this film is not recognized for how awesome it is.

Sparklecados: Day 197

I'm very sad to report Sparklecado #1 did not survive the transition from Twilight cup to actual planter. Much like lame ass Bella, it apparently had no interest in living without limp dicked Edward.


Sparklecados #3 and #4 are still alive in their respective cups. One of these god damned things had better live. I've invested too much time.

I Have Had Enough of Insipid Lap-Band Adverts

It is difficult for me to pin down what exactly bothers me so much about these billboards that now dot the California freeways with more frequency than any other advertisement I can recall. It isn't that I have no reason, but rather that I have a myriad of them. So I present to you my ramblings about why these things need to be torched to the ground.

Billboards Suck. I understand that they are on private property, and that legally that property can be used to rent out advertising space, but I really detest seeing a huge ugly thing on my skyline where I would prefer mountains.

The Lap-band Sucks. I know it is considered incredibly insensitive to say that weight loss surgery is lame. It is very judgmental to believe that those who choose surgery over self-discipline to be weak and brainwashed sheep. I guess I am incredibly insensitive and judgmental.

Allow me to clarify. Weight-loss surgery is an excellent resource and an incredible procedure for people who possess a medical need for it. The 500 lbs person who can no longer walk is not about to exercise those pounds away. The older person with rampant diabetes and heart disease MUST lose weight quickly to add years to their lifespan. I am completely in favor of this procedure being available to these people. I am even in favor of insurance companies covering the surgery in these extreme cases. The problem lies in the fact that many of these surgeries are conducted on people who are perfectly capable of losing weight the normal way.

The adverts are also misleading, implying that the lap-band is a quick and easy fix. In actuality, it is painful and will force you to eat protein supplements and weird textures for the rest of your life. I will say this for the lap-band, wikipedia reports that only 1 in 2000 patients who get the band die from it. Gastric bypass has a mortality rate of 1 in 250.

There are Too Damn Many of Them! I counted 17 of these signs on my drive to Governor X's place and back. This is a 45 mile drive.

The Company Behind Them is Shady. TopSurgeons has some really questionable business practices and is run by two doctors who have lost their licenses, as revealed by the LA Times. That's really a company I want to put my medical well-being and life into the hands of.

Taking Advantage of Illness to Make Money is Morally Reprehensible. I am not talking about weight when I say illness; I am talking about mental illness, such as low self-esteem and eating disorders. Surgery appeals to people because it seems easy and takes the brunt of the responsibility for their condition off their own shoulders. It does not cure the underlying causes of their obesity. Many people who get the surgery gain their weight back after several years. These individuals need real healing, therapy to help them regain control of themselves and their lives. The last thing they need is for someone to cut on their body until it is as mutilated and scarred as their psyche.

Medical Procedures and Medications Should be Recommended by a Doctor, Not an Advert. I have a real problem with the advertising of any medical procedures or medications. People should not be hearing about a pill or operation and then checking to see if they need it. When a patient has a condition, then they and their physician work to treat that condition. This approach of advertising medication as though it were a new brand of clothing has led us to become a nation of legally-prescribed drug addicts.

Good Health is More Than Weight. Good health comes from eating a balanced diet and exercising, not from being forced to starve yourself by having a bit of plastic tied around your insides. It isn't the weight of Americans that are making them sick, but the lifestyle choices they have made that got them fat in the first place.

Suck It. If you have gotten surgery yourself that was not medically necessary, I'm sorry you were duped. Before I get flamed by anyone, I would like to note that I am no pixie myself. But I have dropped more than 20% of my body weight in the last 9 months by eating well and moving my ass. It helps to have some nancy-boys around to slam tennis balls at.