The Southern Grocery Store

A grocery store in the South is basically the same as the ones we have out west, but they have some interesting items in them. Here are a couple of the more interesting items I've stumbled across:

"Ham Bits" & other unrefrigerated pork parts - Both the Piggly Wiggly and Super Walmart have a rack near the meat section filled with strange pork parts. "Ham Bits" and "Pork Ends" sit out in vacuum packing at room temperature, daring the Steve-O's of the world to eat them. I've been told the ham bits are used for flavoring, and may have come across some in a dish of green beans the other night. Think flavorless bacon.

Chitterlings - Pig intestines. Enough said.

Pork Rinds - Of course, these aren't unique to the South, but they are a lot more prominent here. I'd never actually had one before so I picked up a 50 cent bag to give it a try. The best description I can give is salty packing foam. I won't be trying these again.

Livers & Gizzards - Back home, this stuff goes in the trash or in thrown in a pot for the dogs if Grandma feels particularly ambitious while cooking thanksgiving dinner. You can not only buy them in the store here, but you can actually walk into a diner and order up a plate of them. I wasn't 100% sure what a gizzard was, so I went to Wikipedia. Sounds tame enough...an organ used to aid in digestion. Then I saw this picture. Puke.

Smoked Turkey Necks - Not just a sack of smoked turkey necks, but a family size sack of smoked turkey necks. I don't think the necks even make it into the dog's thanksgiving stew. How do they eat these things? I imagine some cow of a woman gnawing on a turkey neck while her 8 filthy kids run around the house raising hell.

Fat Kelly sez "Turkey necks go good with a tub of sour cream!"

Skynet: Carolina?

If you are over the age of five, you could probably figure out that Skynet: California is a California based blog. Temporarily though, I will be hailing from the Outer Banks of North Carolina. An extended period of time in the South is going to prove to be an interesting time, so when things pop up worth reporting, I'll bring them to you. Right now, I've been here about two days and I've already noticed a lot of weird stuff going on.

Locked double doors - When a business has double doors at an entrance, the left one is almost always locked. The lone exception so far has been my hotel. This isn't really a problem when you're entering the business, but when you're leaving you'll try to push open the locked door.

Food - The food is a little odd. At the Walmart, I happened upon a family size package of smoked turkey necks. WTF? Back at home, Grandma gives those to the dogs on Thanksgiving. There also seems to be a tendency to fry everything. My dinner last night consisted off fried clams, fried fish, hushpuppies (fried), and french fries. Instead of Carl's, they have Hardee's. Same happy star, different food. Hardee's is like Carl's slow witted, heavy set brother. They have a western bacon cheeseburger like Carl's, but here it only comes in the 1/3rd pound variety. Also on the menu? A pork chop & gravy on a biscuit.

Culture - Out here on the coast, there isn't much of a Sling Blade factor, but it does pop up here and there. Mostly though, the people are just friendly. Like freakishly so. Coming from California, the land of rude assholes, I'm always shocked when people elsewhere are polite. On the plane coming back here, everyone was so friendly and talkative I assumed they were drunk.

Its not all smiles and "how ya doin'" though. There are some disturbing trends. Stores have piles and piles of Mountain Dew. "No shirt, no shoes, no service" is actually a relevant sign here. Restaurants ask if you want smoking or non. There was an add for lawnmower races.

Perhaps most disturbing of all though is the beach. The concept of shame hasn't made its way down here yet. There are rolls hanging out everywhere and no one cares. I suppose this is probably for the best, but it takes a bit of adjustment. The "who cares" attitude did allow me to remove my shirt at the beach and expose my scrawny yet pasty white torso to the sun. I now have a red torso...

Overall, so far so good. Its green and the weather isn't too oppressively hot yet. The hurricanes won't start lashing the shore for another couple months either. Keep reading for more updates.

Terminator: Salvation was OK

At long last, the new Terminator movie was released this week and while not bad, it was certainly disappointing.

You probably know the general plot by now. Its the future, John Connor has grown up and is fighting in the resistance against the machines. This time around Skynet is up to their old tricks of trying to kill John's father before he can get it on with Linda Hamilton, but they've got a new secret weapon.

Its a fairly solid plot and should carry the movie adequately, but one of the problems is that the filmmakers never go any deeper. Numerous questions are left unanswered and swept under the rug with explosions and nods to the first three movies. Characters are left undeveloped, simply dropped in here or there for no other reason than to move the story along.

You have the terminators we all know and love, but they've added some newer models. Some are OK, but others would be more at home in Transformers 2. We finally see Skynet Headquarters, but it looks more like an oil refinery than the home base of a machine society (remember how awesome the machine city in Matrix: Revolutions was?).

Are you noting the pattern? Lots of "buts". There are a lot of problems with this movie. At the same time I can't sit here and say I didn't enjoy it because I did. I would recommend it to Terminator junkies like myself, but the casual fan probably shouldn't waste their time.

American Idol Update: Finale/Ha-Ha Look at You Edition

The 2009 American Idol is...NOT Adam Lambert!

Cooler heads wearing less eyeliner prevailed and Kris Allen won the contest. In a feat that would have made Mayor Daly proud, Kris managed to get 38 million votes from Arkansas, a state with less than 3 million people.

The finale (part 2 of it) was a true cavalcade of crap. All the old people you voted off made their triumphant return to torment us with their "singing" (or cawing as the case may be). For good measure, Idol went and raided the recording industry's rest home and forced poor old men Lionel Richie, KISS, Steve Martin, and what appeared to be a wax figure of Rod Stewart up on stage to perform.

Some other highlights...

The Black Eyed Peas performed their latest nonsensical yet irresistible hit Boom Boom Pow. Fergie seems to be some sort of Frankenstein now. The insane bag lady hair and face don't match the supermodel body.

In yet another attempt to upstage Bikini Girl, Kara sings with her and strips down on stage.

"Norman Gentle" returned. Now that waterboarding is illegal, terrorists are being forced to watch his comedy routine until they break. Khalid Sheik Muhammad lasted 6 minutes before crying like a girl.

Poking fun at cripples everywhere, Idol forces the blind guy to dance during the group performance numbers.

So that's it for Idol. Good riddance for now, but come back soon.

American Idol Finale Part 1 Live Blog

Somewhere in San Diego, a disgruntled blogger tunes in to Idol for the last time this season. Mostly happy to be free of the burden, he is now faced with a question: What the hell is he going to blog about after this debacle is over?

8:00 Idol begins. The intro is epic in an appropriately dumb Idol sort of way. It says we’re live, but we all know we’re not. Those assholes back east already saw this and voted en masse for Adam. Boo.

8:04 The two twats are introduced and Seacrest rattles something off about Kris winning a coin toss and the three innocent songs they get to rape this week. Even though Kris won the toss, he’s going 2nd. Are you riveted? No, I didn’t think so.

8:10 Oh god help us all. Adam is going to sing Mad World again. Stage fog surrounds him! OMGLOLZ. Wow. For the first time this season he didn’t shriek to end the song. You know what? He still sucks though.

8:13 Kara still wants some of that Adam cock. Not gonna happen Ma’am.

8:15 Kris’ back story. Oh joy. He likes dem French fried potaters. Mmmm hmmm.

8:16 “Ain’t No Sunshine” I have no snide comment. It must be OK.

8:25 Adam’s 2nd performance…”Change is Gonna Come” I have no fucking clue what song this is. I’m going to guess Adam is ruining it somehow though. God damn it…he’s shrieking the entire song this time to make up for the subdued Mad World performance.

8:29 Must be cold in there. Paula’s nipple is showing. The judges may actually spontaneously combust if Adam doesn’t win tomorrow.

8:34 Kris has to sing “What’s Goin On”. The fucking guitar is back but he’s singing OK. Kris is about 100 times more talented than Adam, but the god damned judges can’t see it.

8:39 Say you’re tired of these retarded iPhone commercials…is there an ap for that?

8:43 Next up…the winner’s single “No Boundaries” written by Idol’s own cock hungry Kara “Its not delivery its” Dioguardi. Has the Idol winner’s single ever been worth a damn? It certainly isn’t this year. The lyrics border on Christian rock levels of cheesiness.

8:47 I can’t listen to the judges cum in their pants every time Adam sings anymore. MUTE.

8:53 Now Kris gets to sing Kara’s corny ode to dreams and climbing mountains. Naturally he PWNS Adam’s unbearable performance. I expect the judges to pan him in an attempt to sabotage the slim chance he has at winning.

8:56 Yep. They’re simultaneously complimenting him AND bashing him for not hitting a high note in the song.

9:01 Idol is running long. Carrie Underwood is performing another cheeseball song and reminding us all why she’s better seen and not heard. Country music sucks.

We’ll be back tomorrow for the finale of the finale, which I’m sure will do nothing but drive me insane.

Now America must choose...