American Idol Finale Part 1 Live Blog

Somewhere in San Diego, a disgruntled blogger tunes in to Idol for the last time this season. Mostly happy to be free of the burden, he is now faced with a question: What the hell is he going to blog about after this debacle is over?

8:00 Idol begins. The intro is epic in an appropriately dumb Idol sort of way. It says we’re live, but we all know we’re not. Those assholes back east already saw this and voted en masse for Adam. Boo.

8:04 The two twats are introduced and Seacrest rattles something off about Kris winning a coin toss and the three innocent songs they get to rape this week. Even though Kris won the toss, he’s going 2nd. Are you riveted? No, I didn’t think so.

8:10 Oh god help us all. Adam is going to sing Mad World again. Stage fog surrounds him! OMGLOLZ. Wow. For the first time this season he didn’t shriek to end the song. You know what? He still sucks though.

8:13 Kara still wants some of that Adam cock. Not gonna happen Ma’am.

8:15 Kris’ back story. Oh joy. He likes dem French fried potaters. Mmmm hmmm.

8:16 “Ain’t No Sunshine” I have no snide comment. It must be OK.

8:25 Adam’s 2nd performance…”Change is Gonna Come” I have no fucking clue what song this is. I’m going to guess Adam is ruining it somehow though. God damn it…he’s shrieking the entire song this time to make up for the subdued Mad World performance.

8:29 Must be cold in there. Paula’s nipple is showing. The judges may actually spontaneously combust if Adam doesn’t win tomorrow.

8:34 Kris has to sing “What’s Goin On”. The fucking guitar is back but he’s singing OK. Kris is about 100 times more talented than Adam, but the god damned judges can’t see it.

8:39 Say you’re tired of these retarded iPhone commercials…is there an ap for that?

8:43 Next up…the winner’s single “No Boundaries” written by Idol’s own cock hungry Kara “Its not delivery its” Dioguardi. Has the Idol winner’s single ever been worth a damn? It certainly isn’t this year. The lyrics border on Christian rock levels of cheesiness.

8:47 I can’t listen to the judges cum in their pants every time Adam sings anymore. MUTE.

8:53 Now Kris gets to sing Kara’s corny ode to dreams and climbing mountains. Naturally he PWNS Adam’s unbearable performance. I expect the judges to pan him in an attempt to sabotage the slim chance he has at winning.

8:56 Yep. They’re simultaneously complimenting him AND bashing him for not hitting a high note in the song.

9:01 Idol is running long. Carrie Underwood is performing another cheeseball song and reminding us all why she’s better seen and not heard. Country music sucks.

We’ll be back tomorrow for the finale of the finale, which I’m sure will do nothing but drive me insane.

Now America must choose...