American Idol Haiku Project - Week 4 Winner

It was a hotly contested race this week, but emerging victoriously for the second time in the competition is Riley with 30 first place points. Congrats. You're turning into a regular Allen Ginsburg...if Allen Ginsburg ever wrote haiku about ghastly TV shows.

The loser was Tim

He was not that good this week

Go take a cry, Tim

Riley?

American Idol Update: Week 10

We're down to six. The end is nigh and so on. This is usually when I start to wonder what I'm going to watch when Idol ends. Fortunately for me the baseball season has started. Unfortunately for me, the Dodgers are embarrassing this year. Oh well. I have a lot of DVDs.

The American Idol Haiku Project is chugging along as well. We'll have this week's winner posted Thursday morning, but in the meantime it seems we have actual fans! I know, I can't believe it either. Anyway, Idol and Haiku aficionado Tanya has submitted a haiku for each contestant this week. Even though we here at Skynet do not support the Symbionese Liberation Army (at least not anymore), I've decided to include them as part of this week's update. Note, she seems to like a lot of the contestants, so as they say on the DVD, the views expressed in these haiku do not necessarily represent the views of Skynet: California.

Shania Twain night? Don't the judges always say you need to be current and relevant? This woman hasn't released a CD since 2002. Whatever.

Lee Dewyze - Joey Generic sings an appropriately generic sugary country/pop staple, You're Still the One. Don't worry Lee, you're still the one I feel came off the American Idol non-threatening assembly line. Kara is obsessed with seeing this guy smile. Who cares. Kurt Cobain never smiled and he turned out ok. Oh...

I love me my Lee
said to be behind Crystal
great on the guitar

Michael Lynche - They should forbid contestants from sitting on the stairs. Its cheesy. OK, as you well know by now I've had it with Big Mike, but this is pretty ridiculous even for him. Other people I've had it with? Kara. STFU already.

It's Mike on the mic
kinda reminds me of rueben
soulful teddy bear

Casey James - Is it just me or does Shania sound really weird? You know when you're sick and you need to clear your throat, but you can't? Get this girl some Ricola. I don't know this song. Its hard to pick something obscure when you're picking from a three CD catalog, but here we are. He's really not a bad singer, but he needs better material to pick from.

Casey on guitar
he is Idol's McDreamy
and all the girls swoon

Crystal Bowersux - The judges really want her to win. They wanted Adam Lambert to win last year too, but that didn't happen. There will be a backlash against her awful singing and dirty hippie persona. Ma and Pa Kettle in Fargo are seething with rage right now. They're so angry they're getting ready to join a Tea Party to vent their non-specific rage. Randy and Ellen clearly hated this performance, but can't bring themselves to say it. At least Simon can say it sucked.

Crystal in the dreds
they say you're the frontrunner
hey, you have my vote

Aaron Kelly - I kind of agree with Tanya on this one. Aaron does give off a David Archuletta vibe, but in that one day the police will find some teenage boys tied up in his basement kind of way. I'm guessing that isn't how she meant it.

Big-voiced Aaron's great
and he's only seventeen
like Archuletta

Siobhan Magnus - Oh man, she looks extra crazy tonight. Its your typical idiotic country song, but she's giving it the old college try. Much better than the last couple snoozers she's dropped. She's still got Skynet's backing.

Oh Siobhan, Siobhan
a chameleon, you are
Kara doesn't get you

Thanks to Tanya for her submissions this week. Head back Thursday for the winner of this week's Haiku competition!

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 3 Winner

The votes are in and with a total of 40 first place points, Shane emerges victoriously lamenting the pathetic lack of musical knowledge among this year's contestants. Job well done. You may be wondering what happened to week two. We don't really speak about that anymore. Please don't ask again.

One young contestant

Did not know who fronts the Stones

Mick Jagger, of course!

Conservative Nonsense

Many conservatives continue to contend that America is a Christian nation, that the founding fathers were Christian, and of course everything the founding fathers ever thought, touched, or pissed on is a golden nugget of awesome, ne'er to be altered or questioned. Recently, the Republicans' favorite troll, Sarah Palin, gave a speech condemning the Supreme Court ruling that the National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional.

I have only this to offer as rebuttal, from the Treaty of Tripoli, which was ratified in 1797 and then signed by founding father and POTUS, John Adams.

Art. 11. As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion,—as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen,—and as the said States never entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

And that's really all I have to say about this rubbish.

American Idol Update: Week 9

Sup Rasta...its Idol time again. Tuesday, 4/20/2010. The theme writes itself, but does Idol go with it? No, of course not. Instead of hearing the work of Bob Marley, Grateful Dead and other classic bands, its "inspirational song" night? Really? Fail. I'm going to guess I won't be inspired to do anything but change the channel.

One thing I can get behind tonight is Alicia Keys (lulz! sex pun!). She's the mentor, suggesting ways the contestants can been one of the hottest women around or something. She sings OK too.

Casey James - Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop. Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign theme song. See? This site is educational. Who knows when you may be in a game of Trivial Pursuit with a crazy kidnapper who has given you the option of beating him at the game or losing your life. You draw a card...What was the theme of the 1992 Clinton/Gore campaign? Score! You're alive! I liked Casey's performance, so naturally the judges hated it.

Lee Dewyze - He's singing "The Boxer". No clue what it is, but I'm sure its boring and he'll sing it poorly. We need to see a lot less of this guy and a lot more Alicia Keys. THESE STREETS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BRAND NEW, BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! See? It even says "inspire" in the lyrics. Empire State of Mind > this garbage Lee is singing.

Tim Urban - I don't know what this song is either. I'm inspired to go to the other room and get a snack. Sashimi. Yes, sashimi for a snack.

Aaron Kelly - LOL at this kid. Who is voting for him? Simon said if he heard this performance in the car, he would have turned it off within ten seconds - but then said Aaron made it quite good. What?

Siobhan Magnus - Oh man, you're killing me! I'm starting to fear she's peaked. I don't know if the season can survive that. Hopefully she comes back with something that isn't coma inducing next week. Kara wants to hang out with her, but doesn't know who she is! At least Paula was high as a kite when nonsense like that spilled out of her mouth.

Michael Lynche - I'm really tired of this guy. Its a damn shame they wasted their save on him a few weeks ago. He's comically awful tonight.

Crystal Bowersox - Speaking of tiresome contestants, Treasure Trail annoys me more and more every week. She's crying? Wow. I mean, it sucked and everything, but its nothing to cry over.

Sparklecados: Day 49

By now you've probably forgotten about Skynet's groundbreaking experiment trying to grow avocado pits in Twilight cups to see if they sparkle. I do for days at a time, but fortunately they seem pretty hearty so it isn't a big deal. In fact, I forgot to keep them watered for a few days but they are no worse for the wear.

As you can see here, the bulbs are beginning to sprout. Took these damn things long enough. So far, no sparkling.

American Idol Update Week 8

Its Elvis week and Adam Lambert is the mentor. That's an awful lot of pelvic thrusting for Ma and Pa Kettle in flyover country. I hope they can handle it. I really can't deal with anymore fake outrage from these hayseeds.

Also, my art class has run out of steam. Its too much work, and above all else, I'm lazy, so you're just going to have to take a real art class if you want to better yourself. You certainly won't better yourself by reading Idol recaps. I'm sure I'll have another half baked idea that will go unfinished before the season is over.

Crystal Bowersux - Haha. Get it? Bowersux! Because I don't care for her. Don't care for the song either. I'm sure you're shocked to hear that. Did you know Elvis was high as a kite in this picture with Nixon? If Nixon got high once in awhile he would have been a lot more mellow.

Andrew Garcia - Looks like they're getting the worst contestants out of the way early. I can respect that. Whether or not I can survive it is another story. Quit using your son as a crutch. No one cares that you're a father. Haha! Lambert just told him he's boring. That made my night. Randy just said it was awful karaoke too. Because the judges used their save last week, this dude is toast. Go back to Moreno Valley you bum!

Tim Urban - I go months at a time without a haircut, so I'm hardly one to talk, but this dude really needs to visit a Great Clips. He'll look like they ran a lawnmower over his head afterwards, but so be it. This was easily his least awful performance on the show. Vote for the Worst is going to need a new candidate.

Lee Dewyze - I'd love to hear a little less of A Little Less Conversation. This guy is so bland. I think he came off the same assembly line that produced David Cook and Chris Daughtry. Remember GM cars in the 80's? GM would make one model car and put a Chevy, Pontiac, Buick, Cadillac, and Oldsmobile logos on it so they could offer "five" models. That's what's going on here. Boring, just like the Chevy Celebrity.

Aaron Kelly - Blue Suede Shoes. Puke. Shouldn't this kid be in school?

Siobhan Magnus - Uh oh, she sounds borderline sane in the interview tonight. I hope she still sounds good. The crazy is part of her appeal. Siobhan and Lambert...what a pair. She's doing Suspicious Minds. Yay, one of the few Elvis songs I like. This started out good, but this lounge act ending is hideous. What are you doing to me girl? Its OK. We're still tight.

Michael Lynche - The judges wasted their save on this guy last week. You've seen all you're going to out of him. Time to break it off. What the hell is Kara wearing?

Katie Stevens - This girl really isn't very good. She also looks a lot older than 17. I don't know this song either. Its pretty cheesy though.

Casey James - I really hope this is the last performance. I can't deal with anymore Elvis tonight. This theme needs to die on the commode prior to next season.

Whew. Its over. Lambert will be performing tomorrow on the results show, so put the kiddies to bed early and break out the bondage gear. Stay tuned for Glee? No u.

Hot Danish curlers heart Skynet: California's American Idol Update.

Johnny Weir and California Cuties Mascot Lil Zipper

Exactly what the title says. Why did you expect anything different?

American Idol Update: Week 7 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

No art class tonight. Professor Governor X is tired. I blame you, dear readers. Let's just do Idol.

Its Lennon and McCartney night. We may actually have some good stuff come out of this (who am I kidding?), or at the very least, some entertaining fail. What's wrong with Paul McCartney? He seems like he's intoxicated. Furthermore, whatever happened to that peg-legged wife of his?

Aaron Kelly - The other contestants have nicknamed him Yoda. I'd name him asshat. Asshat is singing The Long and Winding Road. Lennon and McCartney wrote hundreds of great songs and you picked probably the most boring of them all. Snooze.

Katie Stevens - Let it Be. I wish she had let this song be. Its one of my favorite Beatles songs and she's not doing it justice. Frankly, this is ghastly and I can't wait for it to end. The judges liked it. I'm guessing they were listening to the original on their iPods.

Andrew Garcia - I was just reminded that this was the name of a douchebag I used to work with who is truly one of the most objectionable people I've ever met. He's from New Jersey, carries around that weird ex-military chip on his shoulder, and suffers from a severe case of short man syndrome. Idol's Andrew Garcia probably isn't a bad person like the other one, but he certainly sucks as a musician. Someone bang the gong already and thet this man off the stage!

Michael Lynche - Barry White Wannabe is tackling Eleanor Rigby. Draw the windows and get out the cutting razor, its depression time gang! Um dude, this doesn't really work as a peppy R&B track. What a disaster. Remember what I said about catching some epic fail tonight? Well here you go.

Sudden thought...if no one sings I Am the Walrus tonight, I'm going to start a riot.

Another thought...Meg Whitman, get off my TV. You're a cow. Running California isn't anything like running a "business" where you can sell Crazy Aunt Rita's ceramic cat collection after she asphyxiates in the garage. You suck. Go away. Ask Governor Al Checchi and Senator Michael Huffington how buying political seats in this state works out.

Crystal Bowersox - Blue Napkins calls her Treasure Troll. I'm going with Treasure Trail. The didgeridoo isn't necessary Treasure Trail. Your smelly hippie street cred is safe. Fact: I own a really sweet didge with a turtle carved on it. Why? My smelly hippie street cred needed some bolstering.

Tim Urban - Even with Vote for the Worst backing this guy can't survive much longer can he? Can he????? The judges praised him, so he's probably doomed. Vote for the Worst will probably have to move on to Katie Stevens next.

Casey James - Pretty boy is disqualified. Jealous Guy isn't a particularly interesting song and this performance is sleepy, but more importantly its a Lennon song and this is Lennon and McCartney night. Sorry dude, you're out. Go give Kara the lovin' she so desperately needs.

Siobhan Magnus - Across the Universe. Pipe down and bask in the awesomeness you jackholes. Truthfully I was hoping she would be the one to do I Am the Walrus. No such luck.

Lee Dewyze - Two words into Hey Jude and I want to punch him. Turrrible.

No one did I Am the Walrus, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start a riot. Clear a path!

I learned how to riot in France.

Skynet Art Party

Recently, Skynet held an art party. No, not one of those lame art parties beaten married middle age couples hold where crappy paintings of boats are swapped over gripes about the kids and taxes. No, Skynet's art party resulted in actual art being created. Governor X, Blue Napkins, and Mountain King (Blue Napkin's seldom heard from opposite sex domestic partner) were in attendance and this is what they came up with. The primary theme of the evening was avocdados, but as usual, we were pretty open...

Avocado in Hell - Blue Napkins

Clearly an expression of frustration with the inability to find avocados grown in this hemisphere. Some Georgia O'Keefe influence may be present here as well. You know what I mean...

Socialist on Bike - Blue Napkins

This is most likely a scathing critique of current fuel efficiency standards mandated by the federal government. Its worth noting this work was created before President Obama announced tougher fuel economy standards.

The Green Sentinel - Governor X

An expression of teenage angst and commentary on the modern environmental movement.

Sad Domo, Spicy Tuna Roll, and the Emptiness of Death - Governor X

A sorrowful cry for the lost illusions of immortality. Also a sushi roll.

Avocado, Enough of This! - Mountain King

A chilling vision of the not so distant future. Note the contempt the starship holds for the moon, stars, and avocado. Truly disturbing.