American Idol Update: Week 1 (Part 1)

Its finally here! Real Idol started tonight with the top 12 girls. This is going to be a trainwreck, so buckle in and say your prayers. Check it out dog, I'm guessing this is going to be a little pitchy in parts. The girls are doing songs from the Billboard charts. I think that can encompass damn near anything. Here's the play by play:

Paige Miles - A dull and lifeless version of a 70s song I've heard 500 times but can't name. Naturally Simon loves it. This all sounds pathetically familiar. Lets get this party started!

Ashley Rodriguez - She's pretty attractive, but this song sounds like two giraffes fucking. I'm going to guess she isn't winning the competition.

Janell Wheeler - This bimbo has country star written all over her. Too bad she's trying to be a rock star where actual talent is required. Also, can we just have a moratorium on Heart songs please? You aren't Ann Wilson, so sit down and shut the fuck up.

Lily Scott - A 20 year old who looks like a 45 year old cocktail waitress...this is going to be something. I'm not sure what though. Apparently she's fixing a hole. Whatever. She should fix her mouth hole - as in STFU.

Katelyn Epperly - Chick with bad perm sings doo-wop. Pardon me while I hang myself in the toilet.

Haeley "Gokey" Vaughn - This years "WTF?" artist. The judges cum in their pants when she sings, I cringe and vomit. This "performance" of I Want to Hold Your Hand was just brutal...at least Simon hated it.

Lacey Brown - Landslide. NEXT...

commercial - LULZ...There was an ad for a movie with Pierce Brosnan and Robert Pattinson. You can find more testosterone in a Lane Bryant the day after Thanksgiving.

Michelle Delamor - A boring version of Fallin by Alicia Keys. It really brought nothing to the table, but that puts it head and shoulders above everything else we've heard tonight.

Didi Benami - I have no idea what this is supposed to be. I don't like it though. I'm currently discussing Kara Dioguardi's looks with elusive Skynet blogger Blue Napkins. I think she looks pretty sharp tonight, she doesn't. That's just more of the hard hitting journalism you've come to expect from Skynet.

Siobhan Magnus - She's a glassblowing apprentice. I wanted to say that isn't the only thing she blows, but she did a good job on Wicked Game. Pretty hot too - she can blow me any time. I knew there was a "blow" comment there somewhere.

Crystal Bowersox - She's a single mum with half dreads. She also has a harmonica. One hand in her pocket. No sir, I don't like it.

Katie Stevens - I can't handle teenagers singing Vegas lounge music. In fact, I was among the first to speak out against it.

So there you have it...Week 1, Night 1, Teh Girls. Most were awful. If you're voting for the best, first, stop being a fag, and second, vote for Siobhan Magnus. If you're voting for the worst, Haeley is the obvious choice, but she'll stick around anyway, so vote for Lacey Brown instead.

Guys top 12 tomorrow. Can they actually be worse? Tune in to find out!