American Idol Update: Week 1 (Part 2)

Didn't we just do this? Yes and no. Yes, we just did a ridiculously long Idol rundown, but that was the girls and this is the guys, so its technically different. This is going to be a real sausagefest tonight - just a hunch. I'm also going to guess most of them are going to suck. Here we go...

Or not...cable company fail. Instead of a suspiciously sharply dressed Ryan Seacrest, I'm seeing color bars. Test patterns are not hot. Anyway, now its on.

Todrick Hall - The little back stories are more boring than church. This guy sang in the shower. Imagine that! He's doing a jazzy version of Since You Been Gone, by my girl Kelly Clarkson. I'll give him credit for trying something different, but I really don't like this. Is Simon wearing mascara? Guyliner is one thing, mascara is a very different kettle of fish.

Aaron Kelly - If you are 16 and your voice hasn't changed yet, get off the stage. He's signing a country break-up song too. I'm going to run the vacuum until he's finished to drown out this noise. Randy just said it was pitchy in parts. LULZ.

Jermaine Sellers - He does an OK Neyo impression, but we already have Neyo, so what does he bring to the table? Nada. Aren't these songs supposed to be popular? I have no idea what this is other than awful.

Tim Urban - I guess he was cut and then called back. I wasn't paying attention. Hey! A song I know...Apologize by One Republic. OK, I see why he was cut. The call back is confusing. He's kind of attempting an impersonation of Bono's falsetto from Lemon and falling flat on his face. Turrrible as Sir Charles would say.

Joe Munoz - This kid gives of a vague Fez vibe. He loses points there. This scarf is shiny. Points off. He's ruining a perfectly good song with his own twisted take. Points off. F- for Fez.

Tyler Grady - He's trying really hard to look like he's one of the original members of Led Zeppelin. The song? American Woman. Vomit. One show and this kid's schtick is already tired. Kara actually used the word schtick too! That made her hotter.

Lee Dewyze - I really don't like that these people can bring instruments now. Live or die on your vocals. This guy sounds like a drunk John Mayer. That isn't a compliment.

John Park - Sulu. LOL. God Bless the Child. LOL. Vote for this guy.

Michael Lynche - Hahaha! A guy built like Warren Sapp singing Maroon 5! You can vote for this guy too. I'll allow it. Vote early and often.

Alex Lambert - No, not Adam Lambert, Alex Lambert. He's 19, still in high school and rocks a mullet. FAIL.

Casey James - Kara is really horny for this guy. Literally. She told him to take his shirt off during the audition. He should probably just be her boy toy because he isn't going to make it as a singer.

Andrew Garcia - This guy sings OK, but again, enough with the fucking guitar already. I don't want to hear acoustic versions of Screamo songs.

Shockingly, the guys weren't as awful as the girls. I wouldn't go so far as to call any of them particularly good, but it wasn't as cringe inducing. Who was the best? Probably Michael Lynche. He was also hilarious because he's a big fat guy singing mindless pop. The worst? Even though he wasn't the worst today, John Park has the potential to be over the top awful every week.

Results tomorrow...I won't watch. We're back next week. This is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California.