American Idol Haiku Project - Week 1 Winner

The votes are in, and with a total of 30 first place points, the winner is Riley with his scathing anti-David Cook haiku. . Congrats. Have a cookie. Seriously though, well done Riley and keep those submissions rolling in!

David Cook can’t sing.

He murdered “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”.

This man kills good songs.

American Idol Update: Week 6 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

Frida Kahlo...you dirty girl. Painting yourself nude for your philandering husband. Pallin' around with Trotsky. Portrayed seductively by Salma Hayak in Julie Taymor's tedious 2002 biopic Frida. Suffering with brutal pain but persevering to create some of the most beautiful works of Latin American art. Well done.

Top 10 for Idol. As you know, we're all Siobhan all the time. Team Siobhan? Oh yes. Its soul night. Fail in advance.

Tonight's featured work has a name long enough to be a Fall Out Boy song. Fortunately for you, unlike Fall Out Boy, this doesn't suck though. I proudly present to you The Love Embrace of the Universe, the Earth (Mexico), Diego, Me, and Senor Xolotl (1949).

Siobhan Magnus - Sweet. My girl is kicking things off tonight so when I quit paying attention later it won't matter. She's singing Chaka Khan. I have no idea what this song is, but I don't like it. This night is going to blow. The judges were not impressed.

Casey James - White boy soul makes me want to stick my head in the oven. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

Michael Lynche - If there is any category this Barry White wannabe should nail, its this one. No such luck. This is brutal. I give this until 9ish.

Didi Benami - That's it. I'm done. I'll give you one last tidbit about Kahlo before I call it a night though...

After researching this Kahlo/Trotsky thing a bit more for you and I'm pleased to report they had a brief affair. More importantly, Kahlo and her husband were devoted communists who helped Trotsky get set up in Mexico after Stalin ran him out of town. In 1937 she completed a work titled Self Portrait Dedicated to Leon Trotsky.

Four Inhabitants of Mexico (1938)

The American Idol Haiku Project

I'm pleased to be able to announce Skynet: California's latest endeavor, The American Idol Haiku Project.

The concept is simple. Skynet readers like our haiku and our Idol coverage, but our writers are all exceptionally lazy. Why not outsource some of the writing?

Each week, the students in Finski's English class at Servite High School in Anaheim will submit haiku they've written about American Idol. The Skynet staff will then select the best submission each week to publish on the blog (since Finski knows who the writers are, he will recuse himself). The lucky writers will be filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment and will have an extra line to pad their resume with when searching for that first soul crushing job after college.

It's American Idol, it's haiku, it's outsourcing child labor - it's full of win!

How to Survive a Teabagger Attack

As tensions mount and the right wing continues to not get its way, the amount of violent outbursts have increased tenfold. It is important for all Obama supporters to take safety measures to avoid being the victim of these potential terrorists and their fear driven tirade.

Avoid them. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's amazing how many dipshits go waltzing into Wal-mart wearing a Che Geuvara shirt, and then act surprised that the rubes hanging around the guns and ammo section get testy. If you are not one of them, it is really best to avoid the areas they congregate until this all blows over. I recommend avoiding Wal-mart, Nascar tracks, tackle shops, gun shows and anything advertising free beer.

Camouflage. If you find yourself in a position where you absolutely must walk amongst them, it is best to blend in. Leave your patent leather Versace man-purse (don't tell me it's a damn satchel) at home. Wear your cheapest jeans or favorite sweatpants/pajama bottoms and a simple t-shirt, perhaps one with an advert for motorcycles or cigarettes. If you have time ahead to plan, try growing a beard. (This applies to ladies as well.) You may want to wear sunglasses to disguise your looks of disdain. Practice distracting phrases, in case you are cornered and forced to communicate, such as, "Hey look! Is that Sarah Palin over there?" and, "That guy told me your wife voted for Hillary." This will give you time to escape.

Just pretend you are one of the zombies.

Oh bollocks! You've been discovered! The horde has noticed your patchouli-scented deodorant and grown suspicious, perhaps even angry and violent. There are two important things you must remember when confronted with grumpy teabaggers. First, you cannot reason with them once they have made a decision. If they have decided you are the enemy, they will continue to detest you unto their last breath, so do not try to talk your way out of the situation. Second, playing dead will not work. Unlike a wild animal, who only wants you to leave their territory, angry teabaggers want to punish you for every perceived sin committed by anyone, ever. If you fall to the ground, seemingly dead, they will kick and beat you to a pulp, fueled by their extensive practice beating dead horses.

Your best option is flight. Have you ever taken a look at a group of teabaggers? There are very few athletes amongst them. Outrunning them should not be difficult. If you find yourself in a contained area (you fool!) where outright flight is impossible, try climbing a tree or short flight of stairs. Most teabaggers will get winded and give you up for lost. There is a good chance some of them will be armed. Remember, they have guns, but few of them have ever fired at anything moving, only beer cans and pictures of Nancy Pelosi. Be sure to zig-zag as you flee. Chances are they will accidentally shoot each other rather than you.

Teabaggers in the family. Ah, hell. Those are tricky. I am willing to bet that those of you with teabaggers amongst your relations, like myself, have a vast array of avoidance skills in your arsenal. Keeping your mouth shut and changing the subject can be powerful tools. If you are new to the exciting world of being related to these people, perhaps married into a family with a neo-con infestation, the same rules apply for survival. Limit contact as much as possible. Try not to get noticed at family gatherings. If things start to get a little tense, find a reason to take off early or offer to run to the store for more Kool-aid. Avoid arguments and outright confrontation unless you are ready for the battle of a lifetime.

Remember, it will all be over soon. Much like the backlash to social security, this will blow over and most likely even gain bipartisan popularity. You just need to wait it out. Sometimes children must be forced to take their medicine for their own good. Ignore the tantrum and wait for the lesson to stick.

Overweight Hedgehog: Feederism?

might i ask you why
this blog is not monetized
idol makes cash flow

So today I went to the library, and they had a banner up for an Italian Food Festival. It sounded great, except it was a week ago, and I was hungry.

Here, have an overweight hedgehog.

American Idol Update: Week 5 (also Intro to Modern Art 205)

The hardest part of the American Idol update is picking each week's featured artist. Our last artist was Rene Magritte. Tonight I've decided to feature Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, a 5ft tall French product of inbreeding (his two grandmothers were sisters) who enjoyed absinthe and painting ladies of the night. Back to him in a minute.

I've already forgotten the count on Idol, but its no matter. Skynet has already decided Siobhan Magnus is the real winner. Blue Napkins feels she has a headless doll collection, but she can sing. No one else can. I don't think anyone else on the show has a headless doll collection either. Aaron Kelly may have a headless teenage boy collection under his house when he's 40 or so, but that's another topic for another day.

Our first work tonight is At the Moulin Rouge, oil on canvas 1892/93. Now Idol...

Tonight's generic theme is Billboard's #1's. Lame.

Wow, speaking of lame, the mentor is Miley Cyrus. Shouldn't you have some actual talent at what you do to be a mentor? Unless she's coaching the contestants to be as white trashy as possible this is going to be a disaster.

Lee Dewyze - This guy. Eesh. Lautrec facts...according to wiki, "Toulouse-Lautrec created 737 canvases, 275 watercolours, 363 prints and posters, 5,084 drawings, some ceramic and stained glass work, and an unknown number of lost works" in less than 20 years. Prolific. Too bad he isn't still alive. We could have him blogging here and he would single handedly keep the site going.

Paige Miles - Miley Cyrus sounds like she's been smoking two packs a day for 30 years. Isn't she 17? Jesus. Nice parenting there Billy Ray. Paige usually isn't that bad. She takes a lot of abuse on the internets, but not here. We never say anything negative about anyone, especially not 17 year old chain smokers with no talent like Miley Cyrus. I have to admit though, that performance was brutal.

Tim Urban - Vote for the Worst has latched on to Tim and he brought his A (F?) game tonight with Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Vote for the Worst has chosen wisely.

Aaron Kelly - Bodies under the house dude. My favorite depiction of Toulouse-Lautrec was John Leguizamo in Baz Luhrman's classic Moulin Rouge. Its required viewing for Skynet. If you haven't seen it, you have to leave.

Crystal Bowersox. Toulouse-Lautrec loved, LOVED the absinthe. Ever try it? I had a go at in last winter. It tasted like licorice and it didn't make me want to paint. Fail.

Michael Lynche - This guy started out with potential singing Maroon 5. It was funny because he's a very very heavy set fellow. He's really regressed into a series of boring slow jams. You ain't Barry White dude.

Andrew Garcia - I don't even care about this guy. If he burst into flame on stage right now he'd still be boring.

Katie Stevens - Last week a few 6 year olds totally PWNED this song at the Bridge Club's Poker Night. This version isn't awful, but it isn't great either. Ellen will probably talk about brown bananas.

Casey James - What the hell happened to Huey Lewis? He had huge hits, then vanished only to turn up again in that ghastly karaoke movie with Gwenyth Paltrow before vanishing a second time. This performance isn't bad.

Didi Benami - I don't even care about this girl. If she burst into flame on stage right now she'd still be boring.

Siobhan Magnus - They saved the best for last! Weird weird look this week, but is that at all shocking? No. Just give her the title now.

A little Toulouse-Lautrec, a lot of Idol this week. Maybe I'll give you some more info about him next week since we were a little Idol heavy this week.

HAVE ANOTHER GLASS...

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

I decided to follow the Governor's lead and post fine works of art.

I was recently asked by an unseemly relative why a secular person such as myself celebrates Easter and the myriad of other supposedly "Christian" holidays. As anyone with beyond a rudimentary grasp of history knows, our modern Christian holidays are nothing more than pagan celebrations that have been painted over with the Jesus-brand brush of revisionist history. They haven't even bothered to remove the props used in days of yore. Eggs? Bunnies? They couldn't even be bothered to change the name. "Easter" is derived from the name of a fertility goddess.

I enjoy the historic aspects of tradition. Hunting eggs left by a magical bunny to symbolize fertility and sex during the Spring equinox is delightful. Claiming this all has something to do with Jesus' zombie rising from the dead is cognitive dissonance at its best. The only similarity is the idea of rebirth, being born again, which bears a vague resemblance to celebration of the rebirth of the Earth after a long, dark winter.

So I celebrate these hijacked "Christian" holidays with complete disregard for their modern meaning. Religious nutjobs have ruined enough things in this world. Screw them; I am making Easter the property of the heathens again.

Aww, those little girls are wrapping ribbons around a phallus. Adorable!

American Idol Update: Week 4

They're down to the top 12, and unbeknownst to me, they're also down to one night a week. This means when I missed Idol for poker night yesterday, I wasn't just missing half the crew, but all of it. It was a refreshing break though, and thanks to the internets, I was able to pick and choose which performances I wanted to see from yesterday.

If you've been following the American Idol Update, you will probably have picked up on the fact that I want to make sweet love to crazy Siobhan down by the fire. Conveniently she's also the only one that stands out as particularly talented, so she's the only one I opted to watch. She really came through, delivering awesomeness off the charts with her interpretation of the Rolling Stones' Paint it Black, which just happens to be my favorite Stones song. Since I cheat and look for the results online after the show is broadcast back East, I can tell you she is quite safe and will return for next week.

No art lecture tonight - just enjoy this painting of an avocado.

Governor X's Kitchen: Swedish Wok Vaguely Chinese Stir Fry

What's all this then? Governor X's Kitchen has returned? Oh yes, and we've bought a Swedish wok from Ikea. Clear a path!

First up in the wok was curry chicken...but it didn't turn out so well. We'll try that again later. Take two was a vaguely Chinese stir fry with fresh eggplant and bell pepper. It was superb. Here's what you'll need, in addition to the wok obviously. Those are $5.99 at Ikea, so you don't have an excuse anymore. Go buy one, then grab these ingredients:

3 oz steak
1 green bell pepper
3/4 cup eggplant (approximate)
1 large garlic clove
1 cup Trader Joe's stir fry vegetables
salt
3 tablespoons organic soy sauce (approximate)
1 tablespoon olive oil

Here's what you do with them...

1) Trim the fat off your steak and then cut it into bite size pieces. Sprinkle with a dash of salt and around one tablespoon of soy sauce. Set this aside.
2) Cut up the eggplant and bell pepper into bite size pieces. Prepare one cup of the stir fry mixed veg.
3) Finely chop the clove of garlic.
4) Heat a tablespoon of olive oil in the wok and add the garlic. Saute the garlic until you get the aroma.
5) Add the steak and cook until both sides of the meat are no longer red.
6) Add the eggplant, bell pepper, and mixed vegetables. Add around 2 tablespoons of soy sauce to the wok.
7) Let the mixture cook, stirring occasionally until the eggplant is thoroughly cooked (8 minutes maybe?). You don't want raw eggplant, but conveniently enough when its cooked, the rest of the vegetables and meat will be ready too.
8) Plate & serve. You can obviously serve with rice, soup, or any other side that you chose to. I opted to just eat the stir fry.



New to Governor X's Kitchen - nutrition facts! Yeah, if you're on a low sodium diet, you should probably just move along...and never think about using soy sauce again.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 2 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

Welcome back. No intro tonight, I'm too tired. Lets jump right into the art and Idol.

Tonight's featured Magritte work is La Durée Poignardée, oil on canvas 1938. This clearly represents a train coming out of a fireplace. Probably something about sex too. This work is frequently called Time Transfixed, but Magritte hated that. The title literally translates to Ongoing Time Stabbed by a Dagger. Now that's a name. The guys are positively horrid this year, so that sex train is the highlight of the night.

Lee Dewyze - Negative comments are allowed tonight. First up, think of Scott Stapp doing a Death Cab song and you might be close to this abomination. After you think of that, run to the bathroom so you don't throw up on the sofa.

Alex Lambert - Awful performance of an awful song. Ellen loves it, so she called him a mushy banana. This is the third week in a row she's gone off on a banana tangent. If I didn't know she was gay, I'd think there was something dirty afoot.

Tim Urban - Hallelujah! The song that is. The man who wrote the song, Leonard Cohen, has asked for a moratorium on the song because its so overdone now. I agree. k. d. lang's performance at the Vancouver opening ceremony should have been the last one.

Andrew Garcia - A fat guy singing Genie in a Bottle would be funny on karaoke night. Its just fucking sad on national TV. Go away!

Casey James - Magritte's explanation of La Durée Poignardée: "I decided to paint the image of a locomotive . . . In order for its mystery to be evoked, another immediately familiar image without mystery — the image of a dining room fireplace — was joined."

Aaron Kelly - Yay mute button!

Todrick Hall - How is this guy still around? I think he's nailed down the West Hollywood vote. Tonight he abuses a perfectly innocent Queen song. You aren't Freddie Mercury, so don't even try. RIP Freddie.

Michael Lynche - I don't have enough wine to make this tolerable, so back to the mute button. Its a shame too. This is the one guy with any potential at all. Fail.

Well, I liked telling you some more about Rene Magritte. We'll move on to a new artist next week. I'm thinking David Hockney, but that could change. Remember to hand in your papers by noon on Monday.

American Idol Update Week 3: Part 1 (also Introduction to Modern Art 205)

If its Tuesday, its time for Introduction to Modern Art 205 with Professor Governor X! Its also time for a crummy karaoke contest. The art is far more interesting. I don't know if its the guys or girls leading off this week and frankly I don't care. We lost four more last week, and only one was even a marginal loss. Good riddance to Haeley Vaughn in particular.

Today's feature piece is Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte's creepy ass Les Amants, oil on canvas 1928. I'm not yet practiced enough in lecturing about art to tell you what this is supposed to represent, but I find it both eerie and oddly beautiful.

Looks like the ladies are kicking things off this week. Yay?

Katie Stevens - Sweet...no more mind numbing introductions about how they like to color or molest the family pet before the show. I think I will go with the no comments but good comments theme again. In other words, no comment on her version of Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway.

Siobhan Magnus - The only contestant I truly like is on early this week with House of the Rising Sun. Honestly, if I wasn't writing this update, I'd just turn Idol off now since it will be all downhill from here.

Lacey Brown - That was off key and weird, but I kind of liked it. I'm shocked.

Katelyn Epperly - The Magritte Museum opened in Brussels in 2009. Sadly, this was two years after I visited Brussels. I'd rather not go back to that city. The streets aren't marked and the Belgians are assholes.

Didi Benami - Something else about Brussels...no one knows where anything is. I stayed in a hotel not far from the European Parliament (official Skynet business), and no one had any clue where the parliament building was. Its only one of the most important political entities in the world, who cares where its housed? Pass the moule frites mon ami!

Paige Miles - Did you know? Magritte's L'Empire des Lumières (pictured here - oil on canvas, 1953-1954) inspired the poster for The Exorcist.

Crystal Bowersox - Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Lily Scott - Awesome, the 2-hour Idol death marches have ended! We're down to a tight hour tonight. That's the best news I've heard since Kris Allen told me his CD's stay in his boring ass Ford forever. Actually, I'll be so bold as to say this is better news than that. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not interested in whether or not Kris Allen fumbles around with CD's in his car.

Idol is over. Vote for Siobhan. I hope you learned something about Rene Magritte tonight even though I didn't give you much information. Hopefully his art will grab your interest and you'll do some research on your own. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 2)

There's no way to get around it...the guys were an abomination last night. Every single one of them was a complete disaster from beginning to end. The good news for the ladies is that they can't possibly be worse - I hope.

More Idol means more Roy Lichtenstein. I'm going to culture you bastards yet. I feel this work is appropriate since the guys stunk up the joint last night.

Crystal Bowersox - Her visit to the hospital to have her kidney harvested for the Beijing market yesterday caused the girls to be bumped to tonight. She's very earthy, and not in an attractive way like some hippie chicks are. She looks like a man hating bra burner to me.

Haeley Vaughn - BTW, that's not a typo. That insipid "e" is part of her name. What the hell is wrong with parents these days? "Oh, I'll give my kid a normal name, but spell it weird - this is my son Raughburt." F YOU. I hope these kids put their parents in a bad home.

Lacey Brown - If you're wondering about how the music is tonight, I'll say something about it as soon as there is something positive to say. The Danish really aren't enjoying all this negativity lately. In the meantime, I've been downloading more pop art for the coming weeks. More Lichtenstein, some Hockney, Rauschenberg, and even though its overdone, mayhaps some Warhol. Could the American Idol Update morph into a modern art class? Its possible. Remember, Skynet: California used to be a political blog.

Katie Stevens - Is anyone else digging the Swedish pop music in the Radio Shack commercials? I love it. I downloaded one of the ringtones from their facebook page.

Didi Benami - Why are dining tables so expensive? I recently moved and now I need a dining table - you know, four legs and a flat board. Good luck finding one under $300. And if you want chairs? Oh, those are extra. Really, who wants a table and chairs? You aren't fooling anyone furniture companies. I will make my own table before I pay those outrageous prices.

Michelle Delamor - Yay, I can talk about the music! This gal's version of With Arms Wide Open isn't too awful. That's how low the bar is now. Anything that doesn't make me want to puke is OK.

Lilly Scott - Blue Napkins just said this girl looks like an ugly version of Kelly Osbourne. Yes.

Katelyn Epperly - If this was 1985, she'd be cute, but its not so she isn't. Yeah, there are a lot of comments on looks tonight. The feminist hoards are just going to have to deal with it. She's singing the one Coldplay song I like, The Scientist. The video for the song is awesome. Its the aftermath of a car accident in reverse.

Paige Miles - Uh oh. Two tolerable performances in a row. This is close to being good. Too pitchy in parts as the Dawg would say though. Still, probably the best of the night so far.

Siobhan Magnus - I liked her performance last week a lot and she just revealed she had a mohawk a few years ago. She is singing well enough again, but skinny white girls from Boston shouldn't be singing Aretha Franklin. Still, she's impressive and I think she'll be around awhile.

Thank you ladies. After a pretty rough start, you really closed strong and renewed my faith in televised karaoke competitions.

American Idol Update: Week 2 (Part 1)

Another Tuesday evening down the drain...this is American Idol and THIS is Skynet: California's American Idol update. Ladies are bumped because one of them is in the hospital (probably having her organs harvested), so the guys get to destroy perfectly good songs first this week.

Enjoy this Roy Lichtenstein work, The Melody Haunts My Reverie oil on canvas from 1965 --->

It is likely the last thing you'll enjoy tonight.

Michael Lynche - Fat Guy kicks it off this week with a preposterous slow jam version of James Brown's This is a Man's World. Its a little early to say this makes me want to stick cotton balls in my ears, so I will hold off. Oh god, he's still singing - can I say it now?

John Park - His first language is Korean. Perhaps he should sing in Korean. How do you say "that was a little pitchy in parts dawg" in Korean? The train horn I hear in the distance sounds better than this.

Casey James - He's doing a Gavin Degraw song that has been done previously by Bo Bice and Elliot Yamin (Channel 4's special Chilean earthquake correspondent). I don't know who Gavin Degraw is, but this song is fucking ghastly.

Alex Lambert - Mullet kid is wearing a plaid jacket, discussing puking with Ryan, and singing John Legend this week. I'm going to pretend this isn't happening and just think about something more exciting like sitting on hold with the car insurance company or doing laundry.

Toddrick Hall - For the 2nd week in a row, he's singing a song by a female artist. I give him props for having the balls to do that, but he just isn't that good. He's doing Tina Turner this week, and I for one would have preferred to hear Private Dancer.

Jermaine Sellers - The intros have really got to stop. This guy revealed he wears a onesie and steams his voice before each performance. Steaming his voice isn't going to make this snoozy version of What's Going On any better though.

Andrew Garcia - I'm really starting to space out here. Did you know the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth's axis and shortened the length of the day by 1.26 microseconds? That's not a lot but it amazes me none the less.

Aaron Kelly - Each singer is worse than the last now... This copy of Season 10 of Dallas is beckoning. At the end of season 9, Pam had just found Bobby in the shower. Apparently his death and that stupid Angelica Nero plotline were just a dream! I forget what was happening in season 8, so I expect to be lost.

Tim Urban - Only one more after this. Nights like these could make the Pope lose his faith.

Lee Dewyze - Regular high school was too much for him. Why isn't this dude changing the oil in my car? He will be soon enough after that.

Well, that may be the worst episode of Idol ever. Even at its lowest point there has been something to salvage the show. Paula's drunken ramblings would have really hit the spot tonight, but no, we have Ellen and her so-called "comedy". The women should probably step it up tomorrow. Frankly, nails on a chalkboard would sound better than the guys did tonight, so it shouldn't be hard to top this.