7 Top Ways to be a super annoying roommate.

Got roommates? Don’t like ‘em? Here are some tried and true techniques for driving normal roomies completely batty.

1. Follow your roommates around and talk incessantly, especially if they look busy. Take care to avoid any pauses that might allow them to get a word in edgewise.  If they do manage to excuse themselves from the conversation, tail them to the door of their bedrooms and make them close it in your face to escape. Proceed to #2.

2. Wait 5 minutes after tailing them to the bedroom, then ask for a legitimate thing you could have addressed in the first place, like rent or bills.

3. Play iPhone games in the bathroom, especially in living situations with 2 or more people per bathroom. Shoot for a minimum of 30 minutes occupying the john, 45 if your roomies start to get antsy. For extra points, leave the bathroom door open and do not turn on the fan.

4. Go in your roommates’ private living areas and take whatever you want. Use it, screw it up, and leave it out somewhere that tells your roomie exactly who raided his stuff. Then, see #5.

5. Cause obvious disturbances in the residence, then lie your ass off about having done it. If your roommate has sorted something into piles, stack them all together and mix them up. Eat their food from the fridge and save yours for later. If there were witnesses to your transgressions, make up more elaborate and unlikely coverup stories.

6. Don’t do laundry. Ever. When you run out of skivvies, buy new socks and underwear and pile dirties in your bedroom. When the bedroom becomes unliveable due to the festering pile, take over the living room couch. Invite homeless friends with contagious skin diseases to join you.

7. Make promises you fully intend to break. Do this often.

I hope these special tips and tricks for irritating otherwise patient roommates will guide you in achieving your destined future, which will be well-laden with sincerely deserved solitude.