Eclipse: A Tale of Sappy Outdoor Conversations

I was torn in two over paying to see the third installment in the movie version of this abortion of a book series. On the one hand, I did not want to be another 30-something woman pumping money into this ridiculous franchise on opening night. On the other hand, I was full of curiosity, a desire to write a review, a love of being ironic, and a need to seek revenge on my four-year-old for making me endure both Toy Story 3 and Shrek 3 in the same month. I was bored, the matinee was cheap, and the latter decision won out. With preschooler in hand, I joined the throng of women queuing up for Twilight 3: The Return of Jacob's Pecs.

Not only did my son almost die of boredom during this movie, he also managed to get a Buzz Lightyear spinning candy dispenser caught in his hair. We are now even.

The movie started off with a relatively suspenseful scene of some poor schmuck being turned into a vampire minion by our main antagonist, Victoria, then ended with an epic battle between the Forks Supernatural Protagonist Society and the evil army of vampires Victoria and her minion form. Everything that happened between those two scenes was either mind-numbingly dull or embarrassingly painful.

First of all, Bella is still torn between Jacob and Edward. Does she want the whiny douche-bag with the golden eyes, tons of money, and the ability to offer her immortality? Does she want the pushy but hot Native American boy who needs anger management and might accidentally rip her face off if she burns the casserole? Decisions, decisions...

The dialogue, as before, is very wooden and phony. Think Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones. Everyone is madly in love with everyone else, and they all talk about it outside for the hour and forty-five minutes they had to fill between battle scenes. Bella and Edward talk about their feelings in a field full of flowers. Then she and Jacob talk about their feelings at a lake in the mountains. Then they talk about it some more on a snow-dappled cliff in the mountains. Then she and Edward talk about some more random shit in a field again. It was like the worst dialogue scene from Attack of the Clones had glitter added to it and increased in length tenfold.

To add insult to injury, I still have to admit this movie was much better than both of its predecessors.

I think the best summary was what my son said about a half hour from the conclusion of the film: "Can we go home now? All these people do is talk and kiss and be stupid." Amen.