Sparklecados: Day 93

One of the Sparklecados is going strong. One is...not. Its not dead, it just can't seem to bust out of its shell. No sparkling yet.

American Idol Finale Results

Tonight we get to discover what annoying new voice will start either being blared at Jr. High dances across the nation or fade into relative obscurity with most of the past winners.

I missed the first ten minutes due to the need to clean sushi rice out from behind my finger nails. Don't ask; things can get wild around here sometimes.

Kris Allen is performing. The first several seconds of the performance were blared over by Seacrest's open mic, along with a stupid, "Is it open?" God, I hope the rest of the show is that clusterfucked. It would make this more bearable.

We are having a montage about Simon. Nobody is going to watch this show once he leaves.

Siobhan and Aaron Kelly are singing a duet. They are singing "How Deep is Your Love" by and with the BeeGees. Siobhan sounds awesome and should have won this season. Funny enough, the song stopped sounding good once the BeeGees themselves started singing along. I guess some things don't improve with age. I forgot how much I like this song. There are videos somewhere of me dancing to it in a diaper with one shoe on. Fortunately, these videos are not recent.

Now Big Mike is singing "Taking it to the Streets" with Michael McDonald. It's mercifully short, but Governor X says it's like passing a kidney stone. My dad passed a kidney stone once. He wept.

Some dipshit that probably works for the Renaissance Faire during the summer is singing a song about all the insults Simon has hurled over the years. He needs tights.

All the lady contestants of this season are singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." If this show doesn't stop spitting on songs I like, I'm going to write a firmly worded letter to someone. Now they are singing Aguilera's "Fighter." It's like they hacked my Ipod for song inspiration. Now Christina is onstage. Fap, or whatever the female equivalent is.

Next are all the idol blokes singing together with Hall and Oates. I really have nothing to say about this other than that grown men should not dance in formation. Nobody should, really.

Crystal is singing with Alanis Morissette. They changed some of the lyrics to be family friendly. I really don't approve of that, but I like Alanis so this is decent.

Carrie Underwood is onstage now. I wonder what song encouraging the destruction of private property she will belt out tonight.

Lee and Crystal helped create custom designs for the Ford Fiesta. Ford just gave them cars of their own sporting said designs. I guess they must have a great deal of faith in these kids' abilities to succeed, since they think they will actually need some cheapass cars.

Casey is singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn" with Bret Michaels. I wonder if Aguilera is the only current artist they plan on having tonight.

Lee is singing with Chicago. I had a crummy cassette of Chicago I used to play in my car when I was 16. I'm ashamed of myself.

There was just some montage of Simon fondling his own breasts and waking up next to Randy. I thought it was really stupid until I saw it was followed by a performance of "Pants on the Ground." I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Paula Abdul is now onstage in what looks like a dress made out of cotton candy to give a farewell speech to Simon. She's not funny, but she's trying. I'm just grateful she didn't sing.

The past idol winners have come together for a group song. Their backup chorus is made up of all the top ten contestants of yesteryear they could dig up. This is so fucking awful I may have to go destroy something beautiful to feel normal again.

The top ten are singing with Janet Jackson in what I can only assume and hope is the closing act before the results are revealed. Janet looks nice, though her hair is a bit short and shiny for my tastes. It looks like she used shoe polish on it. If you close your eyes, she sounds like her brother singing. Creepy.

Lee and Crystal are singing "With a Little Help From My Friends" with Joe Cocker. What would we do if you sang out of tune? Obviously we would vote you both to the top two, sillies!

Lee DeWyze is the next American Idol. Crystal looks really surprised. I don't think she or Lee expected him to win. Lee is now closing the show out by diddling "Beautiful Day" in the ass again. Fuck this show.

A-Wooooooo!!

American Idol Season Finale

Finally, the ponderous slog through this awful season is drawing to a close. We are down to Lee and Crystal, boring vs. boar, in what is sure to be a completely anticlimactic battle. There are to be three rounds this time, the first one a rehash of a previous performance, the second a random choice, and the third is what single the winner will release.

Lee starts off the night by singing "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel again. It is absolutely tedious, and this is coming from a woman who adores the song. He looks stoned and clueless, like he doesn't know where the hell he is when he's singing.

Crystal answers Lee's outdated song with one of her own, "Me and Bobby McGee." This is another song I like, and while she isn't perfect, she avoids screaming and looks alert. Her dreadful grill is still distracting me. I wonder if her breath smells like rotting meat?

Round two: Fight! Lee is performing R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." This is horrendous. Everybody listening to this horseshit certainly hurts. We here at Skynet have a great love for R.E.M. Lee's whining, monotone voice is destroying something wholesome and pure. I don't think this guy has any testicles.

Crystal has decided to go with something we only hear 500 times every Idol audition: "Black Velvet." Really? I guess it might sound pretty darn good, but I just cannot get past this horrible song choice. Also, Crystal is wearing what looks like a hefty bag. Hot.

The third round is nigh. Lee is doing a cover of U2's "Beautiful Day." If you are remotely familiar with Skynet and its writers, you understand that Lee may now be in terrible danger for daring to publicly molest a U2 song in this manner. He sounds terrible; he can't stay on key and his voice is nasally.

For the final performance of the night, Crystal has chosen something I have never heard before called "Up to the Mountain." Sorry, Governor X, but this actually sounds pretty damn good. I may be biased because of my new-found seething hatred for Lee and all that he loves, and I certainly wouldn't voluntarily play this tune in my car, but I am calling Bowersox for the win this year.

If you weren't aware...BP = Arco in California

Dragon Warrior IV Haiku - Part 1, Narcoleptic Bomb Crag

A Bomb Crag appears

But it is always asleep

It is exhausted

Interview with the Pansexual: Part 3

To conclude Pansexuality Awareness Week, we're pleased to bring you the third and final installment of our Interview with the Pansexual series. To lighten the mood, we opened the conversation up to some of the more absurd questions our staff came up with. Ever wonder how Kurt Cobain's headless corpse fits in to pansexuality? You're about to find out.

That concludes the serious portion of our interview. As you know, the Skynet staff is comprised of a bunch of adults who are still giggling 12 year olds at heart, so we have some additional offbeat questions, but before we move on to that, is there anything you would like to add?

lol Oh boy. No, nothing that I can think of at the moment.

OK. On with the show then...

Right. Don't leave me hanging in suspense.

Would you want to have Na'vi tail sex if you were physically capable?

You know, I would totally give that a whirl.

I think I would too. The Na'vi seem really happy.

They're pretty damn hot too.

Agreed. Have you ever asked your husband to cross dress?

Not specifically, but I've offered to let him wear my underwear and such. He wouldn't go for it.

Was that a buzzkill?

Well, his reaction was so funny, I couldn't really feel too disheartened about it.

Would you rather have done Kurt Cobain or Courtney Love in their prime?

Oh god. Kurt Cobain. Courtney Love was and is hideous.

That leads into my follow up.

How handy.

Given one is still Courtney Love and the other is now a headless corpse, which would you prefer today?

Haha. I'd have to make my own third option, which is "neither."

Their daughter, Frances Bean will be legal in August. Just want to throw that out there if that changes things. What do you think of the furries?

I didn't even know they had a daughter. lol - Oh lawd. Furry lovers can be rather ridiculous, but whatever. I don't hate the furries.

But its nothing that interests you?

Not really. Some people are into it, and that's cool, but it's not my thing.

What about anime characters? They can be overtly sexual at times. I hear Trunks makes some of the ladies swoon.

Man, Trunks is one hot bitch.

I'll take that as yes then?

Definitely. I am an anime/manga whore.

What is the anime porn? Hentai?

Indeed. There's also yaoi and yuri.

Which one is the best?

Actually, I kinda like yaoi best.

Is yuri girl/girl, yaoi guy/guy or is that just what the google happened to give me when I did a search?

lol - No, no, that's right.

We have a lot of Catholic high school students who read this blog. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you to clear your browsing history when you log off if you just googled that. Next question...I'm sure you can figure out who this is from. Buttsecks?

Hahaha. I am not a fan, no.

Does my desire to go jogging with Orlando Bloom make me a pansexual or is it just kind of gay?

Who wouldn't want to go jogging with Orlando Bloom?

Sickos. That's who.

Right!

OK. Last question. At our local Carl's, Joanna, a transexual works the register at lunchtime during the week. Is there anything you would like to say to her?

Sure. I'd like fries with that.

Ranch or ketchup?

Ketchup. Ranch belongs only on salad.

I can't disagree with you more. Anyway...Thanks for taking the time for this chat. It will be very informative for our readers.

Sure sure. Oh I hope so.

**************************

That concludes our interview and Pansexuality Awareness Week. I'd like to thank Ultimate Ice for tolerating our questions. I hope you've found this informative. Well, I hope you found parts one and two informative anyway.

On Pandora, everyone has blue balls...

Happy Day of Hatred ...

Imagine my joy when I pulled up my favorite Wiki site today and checked on birthdays and holidays for May 20th . . . plenty of both, to be sure. I mean, what's a boring Thursday without the awareness that Sadaharu Oh and Busta Rhymes share a birthday, and that crazed Quebeckers tried to separate from Canada back in 1980. Those Frenchies must have KNOWN that Reagan was months away from being elected . . .

But I had never heard of Cambodia and Kampuchea declaring May 20 a national "Day of Hatred" . . . or more properly translated, "Day of Prolonged Rage" . . . thanks for that second clarification, by the way. Hatred seemed so impersonal, but prolonged rage gives me a warm fuzzy sensation . . .

I will admit that I do not understand the Asian mindset. I respect SE Asian culture and I empathize with their sufferings under colonial abuse and communistic demagoguery. But a Day of Hatred? Are you kidding me? I'm Irish Catholic and I get being pissed off. I want to set fire to the British Union Jack every time I look at it. But 24 hours just to loathe Pol Pot? A full day to hate American imperialism, or focus detestation on Japanese expansion?

In case you doubt the veracity of my entry, here are some spurious sources ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Day_of_Hatred

AND

http://www.einaudi.cornell.edu/southeastasia/outreach/resources/cambodiawebunit/culture.html

So, wherever you are, go out tonight after work and hate you some honky, or chuck a rock at that team photo of the Khmer Rouge you keep in your parlor. Because it is Hatred Day . . . and judas priest, why not feel the rage, huh?

Finski

This guy has some issues; I guess he couldn't wait until may 20th ...

Interview with the Pansexual: Part 2

In part two of our Interview with the Pansexual series, Ultimate Ice opens up about her own personal experiences. Also, I'd like to remind you that its Pansexuality Awareness Week here at Skynet, so at least try to be aware. Now for part two:

When did you first realize you were pansexual, and when did you "come out"?

Well, I realized I was bisexual in...2003, I think? That sort of transitioned into pansexuality.

Was there something that triggered the transition from bi to pan, or was it just the realization that pansexuality fit your personal situation better?

No, there was nothing specific. It just sort of came to be on its own.

So have you had sexual relationships with anyone other than a male since acknowledging your pansexuality?

Unfortunately, no, haha. I know that will raise the question "how can you be sure?" or claims that I'm just curious, from some people.

As I understand it, pansexuality does not preclude physical preferences, but merely means one is open to a relationship with someone of any gender. Do you have a physical preference?

True. And I'm not really sure that I have a preference. It's all good.

That would include hermaphroditic people, transgendered, intersex, etc?

Yes yes.

**************************

I felt I shouldn't pry too much here. I couldn't risk offending our gracious interview subject before I got to the good stuff, which you will be able to read in part three on Friday. Ever wonder how the Na'vi and Kurt Cobain fit into this? You'll find out.

Bitch and Daniela Sea are not pansexual, nor are they attending a ren faire. At least I don't think they are.

American Idol Update: Week 13

American Idol is down to three singers, and they are doing their usual final three show. Each contestant is singing two songs, one chosen by them, one chosen by a judge. The judges always pick god-awful songs. (Simon choosing "Over the Rainbow" for Katharine McPhee, anyone?)

Casey chose "OK, It's Alright With Me" by Eric Hutchinson. This kind of music suits his voice well, unfortunately I can't stand it. The judges are tearing him to pieces for his song choice.

Last week Randy's idiotic banter drove me to discuss proper music terminology. I thought I would continue along this vein by discussing different types of instruments. Now that the Idol contestants are encouraged to play as well as sing, this knowledge has become applicable.

Most contestants play different variations of the guitar. The guitar is a string instrument. Music is created by vibrating strings of different lengths or tensions. String instruments include violin, harp, lute and ukulele.

Crystal Bowersox has chosen "Come to My Window" by Melissa Ethridge. I enjoy me some Melissa. This might be okay if she can avoid screaming. One thing that bothers me about Crystal is hard for me to admit. It's her teeth. I'm not a big fan of phony beauty standards, and I don't think she needs caps or anything, but they are quite brown. A little whitening, especially when you are a singer and your mouth is so visible, might convey a better image. Crystal did not scream. Most of the judges didn't like it, but I actually did. Simon liked it too.

The simplest kind of musical instrument is percussion. Percussion instruments consist of anything that gets banged on, such as drums, cymbals, your mom or even maracas. Fun fact: the piano is considered both a string and a percussion instrument. When you press the keys of a piano, the strings inside are struck by hammers. The piano is very confused.

Lee DeWyze has chosen "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. This has potential, but it's falling flat, literally. He sounds nasally and off key. Of course Randy loved it. That man wouldn't know pitch if it were a fork and chasing him from the village.

Woodwind instruments make sound when wind is blown over an angled edge or through a reed or two. Most were traditionally made of wood, but have more recently been constructed of metal or plastic. The woodwind family includes the flute, clarinet, bagpipes, and saxophone.

Randy and Kara chose John Mayer's "Daughters" for Casey. His voice is suited for this song. I would say this is the first performance by him that seems professional. I suppose he could have a break from being my cabana boy if he promises to sound that good. Kara just told Casey he has a "hard time showing his vulnerable side." Simon almost fell over laughing.

Brass instruments are of course trumpets, french horns, and the like. Brass instruments produce sound through a combination of the vibration of the player's lips and the vibration of air resonating through a tube. Different notes are created by different lengths of tubing. The tube length is changed by opening and closing different valves or by lengthening and collapsing the tube by sliding it.

Ellen chose Crystal's next song, "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney. Oh man, I love this song. She's all over the place with her pitch and she's screaming again. I appreciate that she didn't change the gender references in the lyrics. I can't stand it when singers do that. Sing the song as it's written, you homophobes!

A subclass of brass instruments is low-brass. These are brass instruments that play in a much lower octave, such as tuba, trombone, and baritone.

Simon chose the gospel song "Hallelujah" for Lee. This song is more than a little campy. He's putting a great deal of emotion into it, which almost makes up for the fact his voice sounds like he has a harelip. Aww, he looks like he's about to cry as the song concludes. Now I feel a little guilty.

My prediction? Casey is going the way of the dodo.

Interview with the Pansexual: Part 1

We've arbitrarily declared it Pansexuality Awareness Week here at Skynet. Why? Well because I recently had a chance to sit down and discuss a wide variety of topics with a pansexual person. For those of you who don't know, pansexuals are open to all genders, not just male or female. Oh yes. Don't worry, I ask the question that's on your mind.

I'd like to introduce you to "Ultimate Ice", a 28 year old female pansexual living in a bleak corner of the country. She generally doesn't care to speak to people, so this is a rare treat. This interview was conducted May 16, 2010 and will be posted in three parts. After the customary pleasantries we jumped right into things. First up, an overview of pansexuality. This was the longest and most in depth portion of our interview.

Governor X: Is there a large pansexual community?

Ultimate Ice: Not as large as the gay community, but yeah.

Are any of your friends pansexual?

Naw. I have a lesbian friend and a couple of quasi-bi-sexual friends.

Quasi-bisexual? Meaning you feel they aren't being totally honest with themselves?

Yes, exactly. We flirt with each other and it's pretty much a mutual agreement we would do some hanky panky, but they don't label themselves as bi-sexual.

Could you give us a bit on what the difference between a pansexual and a bisexual is?

Well, there's more than just "male" and "female." Pansexuals are open to all genders.

More genders?

Sure. Hermaphrodites, for one. There's also transgendered people, which is something more mental than physical.

While we're on the subject of bisexuality, as you may know there is somewhat of a rift between the gay and bisexual communities - as a pansexual, how do you fit into this if at all?

I don't, really. I've never lived in areas with a lot of gay or bisexual people, so I'm not really in that loop. I've heard of plenty of my lesbian friend's experiences with bisexuals, though.

And how have those experiences been?

Not exactly good. The bisexuals she's met don't seem to be honest with themselves, either.

OK. Do you feel discriminated against as a pansexual?

Not really. I'm pretty open about it and everyone who knows is cool with it. They don't treat me any differently.

So you don't really feel any pressure to conform from any of the other sexual groups?

Nah. Of course, I'm not around many people from those communities, with being anti-social and all. But as it stands now, no.

Do pansexuals tend to more often be male or female?

I think I've come across more females than males. Actually, I can't recall having met a male pansexual.

Interesting. Do you feel that is because of biological or social reasons?

Maybe both? Who knows. A lot of people aren't even aware of pansexuality. Which is the point of this interview. But I can't count how many times I've had to explain it to someone who had no clue. Pansexuality is still relatively new in that regard.

True. The gay community is very politically active, fighting for equal marriage rights and so forth. Is the pansexual community active in a similar way?

Definitely. I know I am.

Do you see any problem with putting a label on your sexuality considering it is to some degree defined in rejecting gender labels?

I don't like labels in general. "Pansexual" works for me since it's so broad. But I think they're just petty and unnecessary most, if not all, of the time.

Does pansexuality include polyamory or do dedicated monogamous relationships have their place in a pansexual's life?

Polyamory is sort of its own thing. That can apply to anyone, regardless of their orientation. Whether you want one partner or several isn't necessarily dictated by your orientation.

That's true enough, but the question about monogamy is valid though yes? If you are attracted to all sexes, does monogamy still have its place, or would there be something lacking?

It has its place, certainly. A pansexual may be attracted to all sexes, but that doesn't mean they're guaranteed to love more than one person.

In conducting research for this interview, I noticed there are pansexuals and polysexuals. The definitions didn't seem to offer much difference. Do you consider polysexuality any different from pansexuality?

Right, it's not much different in definition. I guess if you're attracted to men, women and transgendered people, but not hermaphrodites, for example, then it works. But that's just kind of silly. They're different, but not by much.

Does the actual physical act of sex differ for a pansexual person in any way?

No, it doesn't.

So pansexuality does not, as one of our writers believes, encompass all techniques as well?

Well, in general we find anything acceptable. That doesn't mean all pansexuals practice everything.

I recently became aware of a Swedish woman who married the Berlin Wall in the early 80's. Would you consider her a pansexual?

I'd consider her crazy - lol - That would be something else entirely. Sexual orientations like bi, pan, etc., apply to consentual human beings, not inanimate objects.

So this would also rule out animals?

Yes. Animals cannot give consent.

**************************

Wednesday, in part two, we will discuss her own personal experience as a pansexual. In part three, we will lighten the mood significantly and deal with some of the more absurd questions our staff came up with.

These ladies have a surprise for you...

Leper King Haiku

Leper King Baldwin

Has faith in Orlando Bloom

He is misguided

American Idol Update: Week 12

It's movie soundtrack night on Idol. This has potential, so I am sure they will pick the oldest and most boring songs on Earth. Oh, it looks like there will be duets tonight, too. This should be dreadful.

Lee DeWyze is first with "Kiss from a Rose". I really like this song and his voice sounds okay, but he is rushing through it. This guy needs to practice with a metronome.

I am really tired of Randy saying "pitchy." Weren't you a musician? Use proper terminology, dawg.

Big Mike is next. He's freeing his willy with a terrible Michael Jackson song. This is awful. I hope he goes the hell home. Simon just made a dick joke. Better him than Ellen.

For Randy's sake, we are going to talk about music terminology. When a note is too high, it is called "sharp." When it is too low, it is called "flat."

Crystal and Lee are singing "Falling Slowly" with dueling acoustic strumming. It actually sounded pretty good. They both look stoned.

Let's talk a little bit about clefs. On the piano, the very center C key is called "middle C." The notes immediately above middle C fall on the "treble clef." Those directly below middle C fall on the "bass clef."

Casey is singing Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate. Way to stay current. He's pretty hot; he needs to just sit quietly and look pretty. I like Simon and Garfunkel for the nostalgia. This does NOT need a remake. Is that a ukulele? I'm going to my happy place now.

The volume changes in music are called "dynamics." We use Italian terms such as "piano" (soft) or "forte" (loud) to tell the musicians how loudly to play. When the music gradually gets louder, this is called a "crescendo." When it gets gradually softer, this is called "decrescendo." When it slows down, it is called "retard," which always made us giggle in junior high orchestra.

Crystal is "singing" the song from Caddyshack. Again, way to stay current, people. Governor X can't stand this woman. I normally find her to be pretty decent. Tonight she's becoming tiresome. She screams every song she touches.

Have you ever seen a band playing, and at the end they hold a long note until the director cuts them off with a hand signal? This is called a "fermata."

Oh boy, Casey and Mike are singing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman." This song is really overdone. They are in tune, for the most part, but this is a snoozefest. Ellen made a bad lesbian joke. Why is she here? She isn't remotely funny. She needs to stick to voicing cartoon fish.

The only thing that sounded remotely good was the boring duet by Crystal and Lee. Everyone interesting has been voted off.

Did you know it was Farty Bulldog Awareness Week?

A Note on the British Election

Its election day in Britain and the Rt. Hon. gentleman from Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, Prime Minister Gordon Brown needs your vote.

Does he really deserve another term though?

When you look at it, Brown and the Labour Party have probably run out of steam. I'm a Labour supporter going back a long time, but as I consider myself Old Labour, I've never been 100% behind the party as it has existed under Blair and Brown. While they abandoned the official party line supporting traditional cradle-to-grave European socialism, they have done a fair enough job of preserving the National Health Service and the rest of the social safety net to retain my support over the years. That said, the party seriously lost its way when it went all in with the Bush Administration's neo-fascist anti-terror policies and foolhardy invasion of Iraq. Can we really sweep that under the rug?

What is the real alternative though? For the first time in a long time, the two party stranglehold on British politics is showing cracks. The Liberal Democrats have gained significant support during this election cycle thanks in large part to party leader Nick Clegg's strong performance in the debates (this is the first British election to feature American style debates between the three major party leaders). The LibDem's offer a serious break with British tradition on many issues, most significantly being their support for proportional representation in the UK, a political reform which would basically relegate the Tories to permanent minority status. Clegg comes off as a bright, energetic leader willing to be frank with the people, as he has been in telling the British people he is an atheist. Yes, the British have an atheist as a major party leader. Suck on it. The sad fact remains that the LibDems aren't going to win. The very best outcome they could hope for is a power sharing deal with Labour should the election produce no clear winner.

There are also the Tories. The party that gutted British social services, privatized the rail system, and sent the British fleet to defend the 6 sheep that live in the Falkland Islands from Argentinian aggression. Party leader David Cameron is slick and smooth like a Land Rover salesman, saying all the right things, and perhaps most importantly after 13 years of Labour, representing the face of change. But make no mistake, this is the same Tory party of Thatcher and Major. What was that phrase about putting lipstick on a pig? David Cameron is just a stylish stick of MAC lipstick on the same Thatcherite pig. And that is one ugly ass pig...

So who should it be? In a perfect world, the LibDems deserve a shot and Clegg would probably make a fantastic Prime Minister. That is highly unlikely to occur though. So between the Tories and Labour who should it be? The Conservative Party simply cannot be trusted to protect the social safety net or refrain from nuking Buenos Aires over a cup of bitter maté. The best thing I can say about the Tories is that Oasis put out much better music when they were in charge. Definitely Maybe and (What's the Story) Morning Glory? are classics. Conversely, the band has shown a serious decline under Labour and especially under Gordon Brown. After Blair handed the reins of power over to Brown, Oasis released a steaming turd of an album called Dig Out Your Soul and eventually broke up. Would a Tory victory lead to an Oasis reunion? Probably not. Noel isn't voting Labour this time around (he was invited to 10 Downing after Blair took power in 1997), but he isn't voting for the Conservatives either. He recently announced plans to scribble TEVEZ IS GOD on his ballot to show his support for Manchester City footballer Carlos Tevez.

That leaves us with Labour and Gordon Brown. Flawed? Yes. Better than the Tories? Oh hell yes. Besides, we feel obligated to stand by the Prime Minister. You shouldn't need to be flashy to lead a country. You should have a solid grasp of the issues, an inquisitive mind, and the people's best interests at heart. Gordon Brown is no saint, but he certainly meets that criteria. Vote Labour.

The 1997 Labour Party Manifesto. One of the most prized pieces of my random political junk collection.

American Idol Update: Week 11 (Results?)

As I announced last evening, I refused to subject myself to "Harry Connick Jr arranges Frank Sinatra songs night" on Idol. I will however suffer through the results show to see Lady Gaga perform. She will probably come out with a dead peacock on her head or something. We'll have to wait and see.

First...this crap starts at 9? Give me a break. Just put it on at 8 and be done with it. Randy Jackson is dressed like the great pumpkin. This is going to suck.

The top five are doing a Sinatra medley. I feel like I caught the early bird buffet at the Colorado Belle in Laughlin. At least Laughlin would have female impersonators doing a Sinatra medley. Aaron Kelly sounds like a girl, and Big Mike has boobs, but it just isn't the same. Oh man, its going to be great when one of these losers goes home. I hope they cry. I will feed on their disappointment and gain strength.

I don't know that I've heard a Kris Allen song since he won last season. All he seems to do is Ford commercials. Dumb Ford commercials too. Ford is actually bragging that their cars are made for idiots. Hey, this car will automatically hide the body if you accidentally back over the neighbor's cat whilst texting!

Lee is first up. It feels like they've been talking to him since last Tuesday. Holy hell this guy is boring. He used to work at a paint store - I'm guessing fumes have a lot to do with his personality. Oh here we go. He's safe! Shocking!

RA RA AH AH AH, GA GA OOH LA LA is here to sing Alejandro. Yay! She appears to be wearing a mosquito net over her head and lingerie. One of her half naked male dancers just ripped her mosquito net off. She might get malaria you dick! Well, that was swell. She should perform every week.

We're a half hour into the "results" show and we've only been told one of the results. Fail. I already know who went home because I cheat, so its no skin off my back.

Harry Connick Jr is performing. Mute.

Wait...why am I still watching this? I already saw Lady Gaga and I know Aaron went home (oops, spoilers!). Nuts to this. See you next week.

American Idol Haiku Project - Week 5 Winner

With 35 points the winner is...you guessed it, Riley. I'm told the students are concerned the fix may be in. I assure you there is no fix. I'm far too lazy. Perhaps instead of bitching about the results you will rise to the challenge and submit better material next week.

Ms. Keys sings quite well

She taught them a thing or two

She rocks the keys too

OK then. Congrats again Riley. I'm told we are once again interfering with actual school work, so we may or may not have additional submissions this season. You are, of course, more than welcome to submit your haiku to Skynet and we'll most likely find a way of using them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm watching Contact, so here is a picture of MIR.

S. R. Hadden lived out his final days on MIR.

American Idol Update: Week 11

I will endure a lot of things for the sake of this blog, but I will not subject myself to "Harry Connick Jr. arranges Frank Sinatra songs night" on American Idol. Furthermore, Siobhan was booted off last week so there is really no one worth rooting for. For a change of pace this week, we will be chronicling the results show tomorrow evening. Lady Gaga is performing and one of these undeserving assholes is going home. If that isn't good enough for you, we will be announcing the winner of this week's AI haiku contest tomorrow morning.