Governor X's Top Albums of 2009

In my past life as a contributor to another blog, we all looked forward to the end of the year so we could share our top albums and movies of the year. I've decided to keep the tradition going here at Skynet, but given our laissez-faire attitude towards topics and workload, I'm leaving it up to the individual writers to share their lists if they choose. They can have it their way, like Burger King, but with less saturated fat.

I'm starting off by doing the top albums of 2009. It was a good year for music, so I've opted for a top 15. Ten is so confining anyway...

15. Chris Cornell - Scream
Chris Cornell could not have broken from his rock roots more than he did with Scream. Scream is Timbaland produced pop. Yes, really. Surprisingly enough its pretty good. Its something everyone must hear for themselves.

Download - Never Far Away

14. Muse - The Resistance
I liked this a lot more when it came out than I do now. Its creative and big, but after multiple listens I just don't feel it lives up to the praise I gave it earlier this year. Still, there's enough good here to recommend it.

Download - Resistance

13. U2 - No Line on the Horizon
I've warmed to this CD substantially since I declared U2 dead following its release, but its a sub par offering from a band this good. U2 phoning it in is still better than most bands at their best though, so it made the list.

Download - Magnificent

12. Kelly Clarkson - All I Ever Wanted
If you're looking for mindless Top 40 without the attitude of a Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson is always a safe bet. All I Ever Wanted is sugary enough to rot your teeth at times, but its a solid CD full of catchy beats that can get stuck in your head for days.

Download - All I Ever Wanted

11. Julian Casablancas - Phrazes for the Young
I'm never really sure why artists put out a solo project that sounds exactly like their band. Phrazes for the Young sounds like it could be the 4th Strokes album. I love The Strokes, so that's perfectly fine by me. Casablancas did serve up a pretty mean version of that asinine SNL I Wish it Was Christmas Today song on Jimmy Fallon's show last night. I normally wouldn't have Fallon on, but Craig Ferguson had an opera singer as his musical guest. No thanks.

Download - Out of the Blue

10. 30 Seconds to Mars - This is War
Someone needs to tell Jared Leto he doesn't have to try so hard. 30 Seconds to Mars is a good rock band and doesn't need to get passed the fact that they have an actor for a singer. They're already passed that on talent alone. This is War is ridiculously over the top at times, and the 12 year old in me wants to giggle when they scream "WE ARE THE QUEENS" in Kings and Queens, but at the end of it all I find I really like the CD.

Download - Night of the Hunter

9. Stereophonics - Keep Calm and Carry On
This is hardly the best thing the Stereophonics have ever put out, but after multiple listens, its a pretty solid if slightly unimaginative CD. Sometimes its OK to just stick with what works.

Download - I Got Your Number

8. Weezer - Raditude
Every other Weezer album is good and its that time in the cycle. Weezer is just here to play good music and have a good time. Its a pleasant change from some other bands (including many I like) who think they're going to change the world. Be sure to pick up your Weezer Snuggie.

Download - Can't Stop Partying (featuring Lil Wayne)

7. Adam Lambert - For Your Entertainment
Adam Lambert was pretty much a disaster from beginning to end on American Idol, but his first solo album is exceptionally good for a pop CD. His wailing is impressive when he isn't using it to slaughter innocent Johnny Cash tunes. For Your Entertainment is basically the cotton candy of music, its delicious but has no substance or nutritional value. When that's precisely what you're looking for though, it delivers as well as anything.

Download - If I Had You

6. Tokio Hotel - Humanoid
Ich liebe Tokio Hotel and I don't care what you have to say about that. Its oddly liberating to have the musical taste of a German teenager. This is the second year in a row they've made my top ten.

Download - World Behind My Wall

5. AFI - Crash Love
I didn't like this initially, but I honestly can't tell you why. I love it now. Its more Sing the Sorrow than Decemberunderground and they are unrecognizable without ten pounds of makeup, but its one of the better straight up rock albums of 2009.

Download - End Transmission

4. Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D.
The E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies) is just fun dance pop from beginning to end. There isn't much else to say here.

Download - I Got a Feeling

3. Placebo - Battle for the Sun
I'm pretty livid at these guys for not rescheduling their North American tour yet even as they add more and more European dates, but they're still one of my favorite bands and Battle for the Sun is one of their better albums. Its a good starter CD if you aren't familiar with their work.

Download - For What It's Worth

2. Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown
Fifteen years ago, Green Day was singing about masturbation. Today they're singing about the American state of mind. Who saw that coming? Berkeley's finest captured the angst and anger of a nation disgusted with George W. Bush and his agenda on American Idiot, and have done it again with 21st Century Breakdown which is perfectly in tune with the exhaustion and "what now?" feeling of America in 2009.

Download - Peacemaker

1. The Used - Artwork
I've been a fan of The Used since they hit the scene in 2002, but there was always something lacking on their albums. They were more hit than miss, but never really tied it all together. Artwork is their first complete album and somewhat surprisingly, my favorite album of 2009. Never underestimate the power of raw rock.

Download - Born to Quit

Avatar 3D is Impressive

The story is pretty familiar. Aliens have harvested all of the resources on their own planet, so they go around the galaxy pillaging others. The difference this time? Humans are the aggressors and the Na'vi are the victims, fighting to protect their beautiful and lush world of Pandora.

That's the basic premise of James Cameron's Avatar. Story wise, its pretty standard sci-fi fare, with a serious pro-environment message. What really sets this movie apart are the state of the art visuals used to produce it.

The last time I dared to see a 3D movie, I was a little kid and was handed these crappy paper "glasses" with cellophane red and blue lenses. Not surprisingly, the color of the movie was distorted by the glasses. I don't even remember if the 3D was worth a damn because the overall visual impact was so negative.

They've improved 3D quite a bit. The paper/cellophane glasses are gone, replaced by something that looks like Rivers Cuomo would wear. They're made like real glasses, so you can wear them comfortably. Once the movie starts, the visuals blow you away. Images really seem to leap off the screen and Cameron wisely doesn't force the issue. When it seems like something should be approaching the audience, it does. When it doesn't make sense to do that, he doesn't do it. We're left with a beautifully filmed movie with cutting edge technology that will leave you in awe the entire time you're in the theater.

As for the movie itself, its good, but not without its flaws. Some of the characters seem a little cartoonish (Giovani Ribisi, I'm looking in your direction) and under developed. The environmental message is very strong, but since I agree with what it had to say, I didn't mind. I imagine the outrage mongers on the right are having their usual conniption fit over it though. Fortunately, I don't know if anyone bothers to listen to them anymore.

Avatar must be seen in the theater and in 3D to fully appreciate it. Skynet recommends you hit up the local cinema while you can.

The Real Athlete of the Decade

Today, the AP named Tiger Woods the Athlete of the Decade.

I respectfully disagree.

It has nothing to do with his recent troubles either. I really don't care about that and honestly find it a bit amusing that people think it will significantly impact his career. The middle aged guy Buick is targeting with their Tiger ads isn't going to bail on the mediocre automaker because Tiger has a couple dozen girlfriends on the side. If Middle Aged Buick Customer isn't cheating on his wife already, he probably wants to, so I just don't see them being offended.

My issue with Tiger is that he's a golfer. I'm not going the low brow route of saying golf isn't a sport, but lets keep things in perspective: its not a particularly athletic sport. I wouldn't name a baseball player "athlete of the decade" either. Most of the time, baseball players are standing still. Pro golfers are actually a bit more active since they walk, but its still not the most athletic thing you can do.

No, the real Athlete of the Decade is Roger Federer. First, tennis is a very athletic sport. Second, Federer destroys everyone in that sport. Fifteen grand slam titles, 237 consecutive weeks ranked #1 in the world, and this year, a victory in what is probably the most epic tennis match in grand slam history.

Roger Federer is the best tennis player ever and the inaugural Skynet: California Athlete of the Decade. Congrats sir.

The Day the Earth Stood Still Sucked

I just finished watching The Day the Earth Stood Still, a remake of the classic from 1951, and was completely taken aback by the film's lameness. I wasted two hours watching the movie, so I figured why not spend another six writing about how horrible it was. The movie was written by David Scarpa, the writer of The Last Castle, and directed by Scott Derrickson, the director of The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Despite the great special effects, acceptable acting and decent character development, the storyline of this movie was retarded and could have been easily reworked into something more interesting, more realistic and more edifying.

Plot Synopsis

Dr. Helen Benson, an astrobiologist played by Jennifer Connelly, is whisked out of her house by the US government as she prepares dinner for her step-son, played by Jaden Smith. She is shoved into a truck with about a dozen other scientists and engineers and driven to a military installation where she is told that an unidentified object rocketing through space at 1/10th of the speed of light is scheduled to collide with Manhattan in 78 minutes.

As doomsday arrives, everyone is surprised to find out that the object is slowing down and landing in Central Park. It turns out that the unidentified object is an alien spacecraft carrying an ambassador named Klaatu, played by Keanu Reeves, who tries to warn humans about their reckless destruction of the environment and his duty to save the Earth at all costs. Klaatu is protected by a giant robot named Gort who can manipulate electronics, is nearly indestructible and is made of metallic locusts. Klaatu's diplomatic mission is botched early on by a trigger-happy soldier and a ridiculous Secretary of Defense, which puts him on the run from the US government with the help of Dr. Benson for most of the movie.

Dr. Benson, her son, and Klaatu try to find someone who can help Klaatu and save the human race, introducing him to a Nobel Laureate played by John Cleese along the way. Throughout the movie, Dr. Benson begs Klaatu to spare the human race, claiming that we can change and that environmental destruction isn't inevitable. Dr. Benson's troubled relationship with her disrespectful and unhappy stepson is a subplot revisited throughout the film. While trying to reach a UN meeting where he can explain his case to the world's leaders, Klaatu has a covert meeting with an alien spy in the form of an old Chinese American man who has lived on Earth for seventy years. The spy communicates to Klaatu that despite the fact that human beings know they are destroying the Earth, they are unrepentant and unable to stop themselves. They are, in short, irredeemable. The only way to save the rest of the species on Earth is to annihilate them.

Meanwhile, the US military is trying to pick apart and destroy Gort, who releases a plague of metallic, metallovorous locusts upon the Earth. These locusts then roll through the US, devouring everything man-made in their way. In an attempt to save the world's animals from the locusts, scintillating orbs spread across the planet begin storing the fauna of the world in the fashion of Noah. Complete disaster is averted when Klaatu, after watching Dr. Benson and her step-son share a heartfelt moment in which the two reconcile, decides to spare the human race. We may be destructive and brutish, but we are at least empathetic and have the capacity to change. He commands the locusts to stop before they reach a major city, but before leaving, disables all of our electronics.

Criticisms of the Government

So what are we to make of all this? First off, I had a lot of problems with way that the government operated in the movie. Overall, the series of events that occurred after Klaatu's landing were ridiculous. Why would the government choose the scientists that could best analyze the problem and use them as the first ones to approach the spacecraft? Wouldn't you want to keep these people from direct contact with the aliens until after you knew whether they were aggressive or peaceful? Additionally, who would fire on an alien as it reached out to greet Dr. Benson? No trained soldier would do that and the whole situation seemed contrived. Immediately after Klaatu's shooting, Gort, a colossal, cyclopean robot, comes to his defense. Of course, why would Gort be a cyclops, and not something more useful and maneuverable, like a giant wasp or spider? Because they are selling this movie to people who are fans of the original movie and who want to see a giant humanoid robot, just like in the original, even though we have the special effects to create something much cooler now.

After Klaatu in his larval form is wounded, he is rushed to the hospital, where a doctor operates on him in an attempt to remove the bullet. He is surprised to find out that Klaatu's physiology is human, and that his blubbery cocoon is falling off his body. During Klaatu's surgery, one of the scientists remarks that the biologists of the world will be studying the cocoon for decades. Of course, the wicked Secretary of Defense played by Kathy Bates claims that nobody will see the cocoon, since it is the property of the US government and is highly classified. However, the Secretary allows Dr. Benson to take a sliver of the cocoon home with her for some unexplainable reason.

Once Klaatu wakes up and finds that he has fully realized his human form, he is transported to an "interrogation room", where he is subjected to a lie detector. I found this part of the movie totally ridiculous. Klaatu is put into a room with only his interrogator and is asked a series of questions. If you had an alien in your midst and you were concerned about his species attacking the Earth, why would you use a lie detector? He's an alien; why would the government expect a lie detector to work on him? The interrogator begins by asking Klaatu "control questions", one of which questions his knowledge of an invasion of Earth. A control question is something that both the operator and the subject know is either true or false that allows the operator to record base metabolic ratings, so that they can be compared later with readings from other questions to see if the subject is lying. If you ask a question whose answer you don't know, you defeat the whole purpose of asking the control questions. Nobody on the set knew about this or said anything? I find that hard to believe. Doing a proper lie detector scene would not have taken much longer and would have been more believable. Despite this, the far more unexplainable part of this scene is that there are absolutely no other observers of Klaatu while he is being questioned. Why would nobody else in the building be watching an E.T. be questioned, if for no other reason than curiousity, let alone for security or analysis? This situation made Klaatu's escape far too easy and made the plot less interesting.

After Klaatu's surgery, Dr. Benson and most likely the other scientists are sent home with no security. For an event of this magnitude, why would the government let the scientists go home? I feel like the security at a defense company like Raytheon is tighter than that used by the government in the film.

Overall, the response by the government was strange, bumbling and Busheque. The whole encounter was run as well as the response to Hurricane Katrina. Replace the Secretary of Defense with the Vice President, and then the fictional government really resembles the Bush Administration. The President never appeared in the movie, and the Secretary of Defense ran all of the operations. On the other hand, if the President in the movie was anything like President Bush, then it's probably best that he didn't intervene.

Criticism of the Aliens

So the government was ridiculous in the movie, but one could argue that the government was supposed to look ridiculous, as the movie parodied the real US government. However, the aliens, beings from another planet who are far more advanced than us, were almost as ridiculous as the government they met on Earth. The aliens were portrayed as a technologically and morally advanced society, but their actions say otherwise.

Alien Plan

The aliens' plan for Earth was unethical and riddled with errors. Here is the overall alien plan:

1. Observe Earth for thousands or millions of years.
2. Put spheres which will hold all of Earth's animals in diverse ecosystems in order to transport all the animals off of the Earth in the event of a catastrophe.
3. In the event that the Earth is threatened, save all the animals by moving them in the orbs.

The aliens have observed that humans are destroying the planet, so here is are their tactics:

1. Send a spy to Earth to keep tabs on the locals.
2. After situation gets worse, send ambassador to explain the situation to the humans.
3. Have humans transport him to an upcoming UN meeting to explain the Earth's predicament and the aliens' ultimatum.
4. If humans do not obey the ultimatum, kill them all.

• Earth's Predicament: Human beings are destroying the Earth. Planets capable of sustaining complex life are rare, so preservation of the Earth is a high priority.
• Aliens' Ultimatum: If you do not stop destroying the Earth and do not start acting responsibly, we will kill all of you and destroy every trace of your civilization.

Criticism of the Alien Plan

The Alien Plan was ill-conceived and its purposes questionable. The whole reason that the aliens thought Earth was so special is because of its ability to sustain complex life forms. However, they ignore the fact that even though our ecosystem is fragile, life on Earth is resilient. Even if we destroyed all the complex life forms on Earth, complex life would evolve again after millions of years. The chances of humans destroying Earth's capability to sustain complex life forms is minuscule.

The Alien Plan didn't value human life correctly. If the presence of complex life is so rare in the universe, then the presence of intelligent life and civilization is even more rare. Humans are, as E.O. Wilson said, "the crown jewel of the animal kingdom". If the aliens want to save the Earth's creatures, they must save us too. If the aliens are so keen on saving complex life, shouldn't they be keen on keeping intelligent life around as well? The aliens' goal is to preserve all animals except for humans, but aren't the aliens wasting the evolutionary work of creating intelligent life when they could just reason with us or perhaps in the worst case occupy us for a while? Occupying the Earth isn't exactly a moral alternative but it's better than killing everyone. Extermination seems like a last ditch effort, when they did not try all of the intermediary plans. Additionally, we have the right to life, which the aliens are violating. Saving the Earth does not justify the extermination of the human race. Furthermore, the destruction of the Earth is being brought on mostly by the industrialized countries. Why punish everyone when hunter-gatherers of the world are still living sustainably?

The aliens' motives were mysterious. Why are the aliens trying to save the Earth anyways? Do they just find complex life valuable for scientific purposes or believe it has an inherent right to exist? Or do they want to save the Earth as a potential colony in case they need to move in? That may actually explain their willingness to exterminate us. In that case, they are no better us, since they are not acting out of any higher purpose but only their own selfish ends.

Criticism of the Execution of the Alien Plan

The Aliens' plan was poorly thought out and morally ambiguous, but the execution was even worse. If the aliens already had a spy on Earth for 70 years who knew we were irrational, why would they attempt a plan like this? Additionally, why send a giant, intimidating spacecraft to Central Park, when they could just land somewhere more inconspicuous in a smaller vessel and go to the UN meeting from there. The aliens obviously have a good handle on electronics, so communicating with the world's leaders would not be a problem.

Instead of going directly to the UN Meeting, which was presumably in New York, the alien ambassador gets into huge rigamarole with the US government and ends up not communicating the Earth's predicament or his ultimatum to more than a few people. Is there nobody else but Gort who can support him? Klaatu's civilization only sent him to represent all of the alien civilizations? This seems like a plan that was destined to fail.

After Klaatu stops the invasion of the metallic locusts, he decides to disable all of the electronics in the world. This seems strange, as we could repair our old electronic devices or just build new ones. This would not stop the destruction of the Earth by itself. Disabling the planet's electronics only seems like an act of malice by Klaatu after his ill treatment by humans. This punishes everyone on Earth, whereas the US was the only country who had direct contact with Klaatu and who botched his "diplomatic" mission? Additionally, even a different Secretary of Defense or President would have saved him a lot of hassle. Why not just reprimand them?

The alien plan suffered from Manichean thinking which resembled that of the Secretary of Defense. Either earthlings could be reasoned with or they had to be destroyed. There was no middle ground. Similary, in the Secretary of Defense's view, the aliens were an evil force that was trying to destroy us. However, the Secretary didn't think that the aliens perhaps had another motive and that a more diplomatic posture would have been more suitable. In the end, the aliens should have considered more intermediate steps such as occupation or multiple warnings. Many warnings over time would have been more effective than just one warning, which wasn't even delivered to the UN. Furthermore, extermination of the human race should never have even been an option.

Overall Criticism of the Movie

The Good

Although there were many problems with the movie, there were some bright spots. Even though the government's incompetence was vastly overstated, the movie did provide a good criticism of an aggressive, paranoid government. Most people who watch this movie should understand the message that diplomacy should be used before violence. This movie was also a call for environmental responsibility which is so lacking in the world today. Hopefully anyone who sees the movie will become more aware of the world's environmental problems. The main characters in the movie were also diverse. The two human characters in the movie with the most power are Dr. Benson and the Secretary of Defense, who are both women. Additionally, the Dr. Benson's son is black and she was involved in an interracial marriage. This promotes tolerance and civil justice for women and blacks.

The Bad

Although the movie had an environmental theme, this film put the environmentalist aliens in a bad light. Many people perceive environmentalists as people who will destroy their way of life if they don't respect the Spotted Owl or some other endangered animal. This movie just stokes their fears could perhaps make them less willing to listen to environmentalists. Aliens who respected human rights would have worked better for the environmentalist movement, especially since most environmentalists are concerned with human rights.

The Day the Earth Stood Still would have better served the environmentalist cause if the film had given some concrete examples of environmental problems on the earth and what we can do to stop them. There are a multitude of environmental problems, including extinction of species, water shortages, air pollution, water pollution, global warming and soil erosion. A deep look into some of these problems would have perhaps slowed down the pace of the movie, but just a few quick shots of refugees or oil spills would have put more focus on the environment. This might have made the movie more moralizing and boring, but the movie was already moralizing to begin with.

Conclusion

Although this movie was not a complete waste of time, it could have been much better. Some of the best movies ever made are Science Fiction, and this genre can be quite rewarding. However, instead of being Terminator II or Bladerunner, this movie conked out in terms of realism. Many small details were overlooked and the plot could have been much better. In the end, the makers of The Day the Earth Stood Still decided to try to stick more to the storyline of the original movie rather than just create a good movie.

Rating: 5/10

Imus in the Middle of the Night

I've always been an unapologetic Don Imus fan and lately I've been catching his simulcast on Fox "Going Out of" Business Channel since I can no longer fall asleep before 3:30 AM. Imus in the Morning may be the correct title, but since its off the air in California before the sun comes up, I feel Imus in the Middle of the Night is more accurate.

It wasn't that long ago that the I-Man was run off the air by the PC police. His crew used an unfortunate phrase to describe the Rutgers women's basketball team and the usual suspects got up in arms and convinced MSNBC to take his show off the air in spite of Imus' repeated apologies and public contrition. As you may have guessed, the unfortunate phrase was so offensive the media spent the next month repeating it. I will not.

Anyway, fast forward to this October and Imus is once again on TV, albeit the dreadful Fox Business Channel. The core of the show is still classic Imus. Insults, blanket judgments on various groups of people, and bizarre obsessions with obscure writers, backbench politicians and country singers. Its great to have something to laugh at around 3 AM again (the rerun of Fallon's awful show can hardly be called comedy).

The Fox connection can't be swept under the rug though. The show's cast seems obligated to suck up to Fox talking heads like Cavuto and Hannity and the incessant "Fox Business Updates" grow tiresome really quickly. Hopefully the sucking up to Fox dies down a bit after they've been around awhile, but in the meantime its just good to have the crotchety old cowboy back on the air.

Dexter Gets Under My Skin...

Only Mrs. Thoreau & Harry can tell these two apart ...

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"I would never join a club that would have someone like ME for a member." This oft-quoted axiom has been credited to wits & half-wits as diverse as Woody Allen and Alan Alda, Groucho Marx and Sigmund Freud. But I'm really smart, and I know that Thoreau beat them all to it in the 1840s. I'm so smart I can't even find the actual quote, but it's in Walden or "Civil Disobedience," somewhere, I damn well know it is, because my memory is iron-clad of my undergrad. Trust me, damn you, I said he said it, and it's on the internet, so it MUST be true. I also know that Henry David Thoreau was basically flipping off Ralph Waldo Emerson by asserting this catchy bit of paradox, albeit it in different words than the above quote. I can't stand that phony bastard Emerson, so I tell myself Henry aimed that jibe at his best friend ... besides, who trusts a guy named Ralph anyway?

So, in recent weeks I joined a club and I will not apologize to Henry or Groucho for it, because it's a club I can respect, even if it freaks out most people to know such a club exists. This club is a viewership, and it has many devotees. It meets twelve times per viewing season on the Showtime network over a four-year current series history. This club is a fanbase for Dexter/Dexter. Our colors are red, and our numbers are many, and we are some freaky humans, let me tell you.

If you are unfamiliar with this show, it debuted in 2006 on the premium cable stepchild to HBO, and it relates the mental gymnastics & physical slicings of one Dexter Morgan. Dexter is a lab analyst for Miami's police department, specializing in blood-splatter study at the many crime scenes investigated by the homicide unit there. He's white, 30-something, straight, relatively normal looking ... and a serial killer.

Now, Dexter/Dexter (both the character & the series itself - all inspired by the novels of Jeff Lindsay, Darkly Dreaming Dexter, et al) travels in dark and provocative territory for this blog's funkified Roman Catholic (that's me, by the way... ) I am a believer in law and order - so is Dexter. I believe in protecting the weak and defenseless - so does Dexter. I crave Cuban sandwiches and love the ocean - so does my kindred mythical TV anti-hero, Dexter. Yet, I believe I should be allowed to slay those who traipse haphazardly and maliciously over the landscape, killing and raping and destroying - and . . . well, you get the idea.

Dexter (played effectively and without scenery-chewing by actor Michael C. Hall) has a unique focal point for his killing - he preys on cold-blooded killers. He does not kill hookers because they are sluts, or blacks because of their color, or Democrats because they are flawed, ignorant political naybobs, or anyone for any other group for an accident of birth. He kills EXCLUSIVELY those who choose to kill without good reason; those who are uncaught, unpunished practitioners of the taking of innocent life. So, in painstaking and purposeful steps which the show chronicles quite brilliantly, Dexter researches each potential escapee of man's justice, puts together a dossier of evidence, sets up a slaughterhouse in advance, and executes visceral sentences on dozens of killers. And he takes some cool, intricate, little trophies for himself as well. Many of his victims are slain before the show's narrative begins, but flashbacks and voice-overs provide all the needed exposition for what the viewer needs to know. Dexter's genesis is addressed and the watcher becomes a passive participant in this monster's ongoing formation and double life.

Yes . . . . Dexter Morgan, forensics expert and adopted son of Harry, executes and disposes of myriad murderous human beings over the history of this 48-episode show, which will concluded its fourth season in a few weeks. I began watching Season One a few weeks ago, and quickly enough, I was hooked on this disturbing but also very funny & intelligent show. I just watched episode 24 at the conclusion of Season Two, and I'll be launching Season Three this week. I hope to have all four seasons under my belt by Christmas, not-so-appropriately observing Advent's holiness and ushering in the Christ Child's Nativity with oodles of blood-spatter, vengeance, and gallows humor. Sorry, Lord . . . You made me which means You understand, right? Could be worse - I could be doing it, instead of watching it???

And I wouldn't have it any other way ... this cat is fascinating to me, and in the truest, most Greek tragicomic way - he does on this show what I, in my darkest moments, wish I could do; avenging all the wrongs of those evil sons of bitches in this world that I know damned well got away with it. In this way, the show is cathartic in that most Greek manner. I know that Dexter is morally wrong for what he does, but I refuse to judge HIM. His actions are evil, but I'll let God judge Dexter/Dexter Himself. God can handle that task - I'm barely able to keep my bed made and my bathroom clean.

And it probably doesn't matter anyway, I hear God gets HBO/Cinemax ... I read that on the internet . . . so it MUST be true, right?

Foolishly Frank Finski

Thanksgiving is a Sham.

Personally, I find the idea of celebrating our "abundance" in this country to be grotesque beyond words. How many people are starving in the world, nibbling at insects and sticks, trying to scrape out a meager existence while we glut on obscene amounts of food? While I find the notion of being with your family and being thankful for the things you have a noble one, it is something that should be practiced on a daily basis, not once a year out of some trumped-up sense of obligation.

Like the good Governor, I decided to ask a guest writer to share some of his thoughts on the Thanksgiving tradition. So, without further ado, I give you Jacob Black of the Quileutes.

OMG! He's so HOT.

To Whom It May Concern:

Thanksgiving is an example of cognitive dissonance. Everyone says it's a time to be with their families, that it's a celebration of the harvest, to be thankful, but we ALL know the real story. We all read the same history books; we know what the abundance experienced by the "pilgrims" cost my ancestors. To be perfectly honest I can't understand why anybody would want to celebrate the success of a bunch of bloodthirsty predators. What's so intriguing about them? They got where they are by devouring the innocent, and even if they don't do it anymore, it doesn't change what they are, what they have the potential to be. Why don't you ever call me, Bells? What were we talking about again?

A-Woooooo,

Jacob Black


Well, that about sums it up for me, too. I guess.

No Thanksgiving This Year

I choose not to celebrate Thanksgiving this year, so I've sent Sacheen Littlefeather to refuse my turkey. She's prepared a long rambling statement on why the holiday is evil.



Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen,

Skynet kind of sprung this on me, so I wasn't able to prepare anything with much substance. In fact, I didn't prepare anything at all, so here is a link to an article by Robert Jensen on alternet.org. Basically, the gist of it is that we probably shouldn't celebrate the genocide of native peoples by gorging on food and pretending to tolerate our families. Give em hell Bob.

Regards,
Littlefeather

Thanks babe, that was hot.

The New Robbie Williams CD is OK

Yes, I'm the American Robbie Williams fan.

I'm not sure why he never caught on here. The guy is a brilliant singer and has had a pretty insane personal life, so you'd think if nothing else he'd show up on TMZ from time to time. No such luck, but oh well. I enjoy his work, and its like I'm in an exclusive club.

He's just released his follow up to Rudebox and like Rudebox, its kind of hit and miss. The CD pretty much alternates between his classic British electro-pop and Vegas-style lounge music like his 2001 clunker Swing When You're Winning.

The CD starts out strong. Morning Sun, Bodies, and the 50's-ish You Know Me are all solid tracks, but then we hit a wall with the dreadfully sleepy Blasphemy. It picks up again for Do You Mind? and Last Days of Disco, but craps out again on Somewhere. Notice the theme? Still, we're looking at roughly 2/3rds of a good CD here, so I'm going to give it an official ranking of "OK".

In spite of this David Lynch-esque rabbit suit video, You Know Me is a fantastic song - enjoy:

New Moon...The Vampires Ruin Everything

New Moon is about to hit theaters, and the tweens and emotionally stunted women everywhere are on the verge of flinging their panties at the mere thought of "Rob". We here at Skynet always strive to stay ahead of the curve when it comes to pop culture, but we're usually a few steps behind. Such is the case with New Moon. The movie is out Friday, but we've only just slogged through the 560 or so pages of Stephanie Meyer's second sad attempt to escape from a life of Mormon oppresion and sexual boredom. She goes off on a werewolf tangent this time. Oh yes, there will be werewolves...

You'll of course recall the basic premise of Twilight: Some clutzy girl falls in love with a cool skinned bloodsucking douchebag with big hair. I think there was some subplot about a Native American kid selling her a truck or something too. When I said you will recall Twilight, I really meant you. My mind tuned most of it out. Most of the memories have been replaced by owls to protect my fragile psyche.

Anyway, the clutzy girl (Bella) is now 18 (I think - her father still grounds her, which doesn't add up to me. Must be some LDS thing.) and her douchey vampire beau Edward Cullen has planned something cartoonishly elaborate and romantic, because no one appreciates romance like an 18 year old. Since she's a clutz, she falls and cuts herself, and with vampires present, one attacks and Edward has to fend him off. Ever sensitive Edward (vampires apparently ride the same emotional rollercoaster as menopausal women) decides the only way to protect her is to vanish forever and never see her again. The Cullens all move out.

Bella is a wreck for months until her dad pounds the table and says "Hey, stop this tomfoolery!" She feigns interest in friends at first to appease him, but eventually forges a real relationship with the Native American kid Jacob Black. They decide to build motorcycles in what can only be a misguided attempt to get an unwatchable TV show on TLC and while riding, Bella realizes she's hearing voices. One voice to be precise and you'll never guess who!

She keeps hearing his voice, but at the same time she's getting really cozy with young Mr. Black who totally has wood for her. She wants him too, but resists out of some insane loyalty to the douchey vampire who abandoned her and left her life in shambles. He continues to make subtle advances towards her, but to no avail. He should have listened to more Leykis 101. If he had just stopped returning her calls, she would have been all over him.

Its round about here where I realize this book isn't nearly as painful as Twilight. Its certainly not good - I mean, it is just a dumb story about teenagers, but page after page isn't devoted to how awesomely exfoliated the vampires' skin is. Ms. Meyer can't leave well enough alone though and quickly brings the bloodsuckers back, which as you may have guessed causes the Native American kids to turn into werewolves. They try to hunt down a vampire who is after Bella, but she keeps doing dumb shit to hear Edward's voice. This time she jumps off a cliff into the sea. That water in Washington is too bloody cold. She's nuts.

Edward gets wind of this, assumes Bella is dead, and heads to Italy where he intends to commit suicide with the aid of the Volturi (old, possibly gay, Italian vampires with a penchant for talking with their hands and Fiats). How will he commit suicide? He's going to walk shirtless into the sunlight, so the Volturi will have to kill him. Oh shit...I should have said spoiler alert. It doesn't really matter though. One of the other Cullens takes Bella to Italy to prove to Edward she's alive. Bella, being a shallow whore, dumps poor Jacob Black like a sack of trash when she hears Edward is in need.

She gets there in time to stop Edward, but the Volturi are still pissed that they were going to be used as pawns in this crappy teenage love triangle. An entire chapter is used to build up suspense and then....and then!!!! And then, the Volturi let them go after they make Bella perform a few parlor tricks. Are you kidding me?

After that, its back to Washington with Edward safely in tow and Ms. Meyer starts devoting page after page to how beautiful he is. I want to scoop my eyes out at this point so I stop reading, but I can't, because quitters never win and winners never quit - or so Lou Holtz told me. They emote all over each other with tales of how their love will last forever. I start to really space out at this point, so I don't know how exactly it happened, but they went to the Cullens to vote on whether or not to turn her into a vampire. Bella successfully wins over Joe Lieberman to break the filibuster and they vote to change her, but not right away. Edward wants her to wait until they're married.

The book abruptly ends with Bella's dad imploring her to visit with Jacob Black, you remember, the guy she spent about two thirds of the book with. Edward won't have any of it though because of some treaty with the werewolves. Whatever.

I don't think I can bear another one of these. They're just so insufferable when the vampires are around. Ms. Meyer clearly needs to get laid more often so she actually tells a story instead of spending half her book idolizing a goofy looking vampire. For what its worth, New Moon is better than Twilight - much in the same way a kick in the ass is better than a kick in the balls.

American Idol Update: The Adam Lambert Single

The first single off Adam Lambert's debut CD is here, and for the life of me, I can't figure out if I like it or not. You can listen to it on lala.com.

He was so dreadful on American Idol, but that may just be because he was doing bad karaoke. Not every song calls for screaming after all. Is this song good and I'm just instinctively resisting it because of his crimes against humanity on Idol? Possibly. Skynet blogger Blue Napkins described it as "vapid", but that's never stopped me before. Inane pop music is my escape.

I may need to hear more from his new CD before I can rule. The CD cover is hilarious. It looks like Europe (the band, not the continent) had dirty sex with Cyndi Lauper. I'm going to have to get back to you on this one.

More Teen Bullshit

While in line for agonizing hours with Governor X, waiting for the U2 concert to commence, he sprang this lovely little number on us.


Notice how lovingly he is clutching the package. It is clear to me our good Governor longs for whatever Edward has in his box.

But this isn't just another box of the same old shitty vampire candy. A new movie means a new FLAVOR.



Lemonessence. This one was the exact shade of white that lemons are not, and vaguely sparkled. It also tasted like Lysol.

Then, come Halloween, the same insane sister that previously broke my Twilight candy cherry sent me something new.



The chocolates come in three different flavors, Edward, Jacob, and Bella, each with their own clever shape. I assume they were filled with gooey centers so you could pretend to suck their blood, or something.

I fully expected Edward to contain a fruit filling, however he contained nothing more than run-of-the-mill caramel. It was shaped like the Cullen coat of arms. BO-RING.

Jacob's candy was full of peanut butter and shaped like a wolf howling at the moon. Also boring and completely lame.

Bella's candy delivered. It was fashioned in a simple heart shape, with "bella" scrawled across it in lower-case letters, because the teens of today are not keen on punctuation. Upon bursting the Bella candy open, I discovered it was filled with what I can only assume is vampire and werewolf "creme." I don't ever want to eat chocolate again.


The Twilight candy money-shot.

Ranking U2

Another U2 post? Yes, another U2 post. Probably the last for awhile though, so rejoice if its not your thing. In the meantime, you can read Blue Napkins' scathing review of Twilight to prepare for the New Moon release. For those of you who are interested in U2, I reexamined their body of work after the concert last week and am prepared to unveil my official rankings. Official until I change my mind anyway. Here is the list in all its awesomeness, complete with download recommendations for each disc.

12. War - This will get me drummed out of the U2 clique by some of the more hardcore fans, but I've never thought much of War. When listening to all of their CD's over again, it was the only one that was a tough slog. New Years Day and Sunday Bloody Sunday are classics, but most of the rest of the album borders on terrible.

11. Boy - How good is U2? I like the album I ranked next to last. Their sound is definitely raw here, but tracks like Out of Control and Stories for Boys give a good indication of what's to come.

10. October - October is one of their most underappreciated albums. It even sold poorly when it came out. Its certainly a little unpolished like Boy, but there are a couple of classic songs on here like October and Gloria.

9. All That You Can't Leave Behind - U2 released this after a lot of people hated Pop and it is pretty boring. I struggled to put it ahead of October or Boy, and in a future ranking it may fall further. Beautiful Day, Walk On, and In a Little While keep it semi respectable.

8. No Line on the Horizon - I ripped this disc apart when it came out, and there is still about half of it that I don't care for. Over time though I've grown to really like the other half. No Line on the Horizon, Magnificent, Fez-Being Born, and even the idiotic Get on Your Boots have unexpectedly found a nice warm place in my heart.

7. The Unforgettable Fire - This used to be higher, but a lot of it just sounds dated now. There's still plenty of quality music here to keep it in the middle of the pack. MLK, The Unforgettable Fire, and Bad are classic examples of 80's U2.

6. Pop - I will never understand why so many people hated Pop. If you pay attention to Achtung Baby and Zooropa, this affair with dance music was pretty much inevitable. Plus, the tour had a giant lemon. Who can hate that? Discotheque, Do You Feel Loved?, and Please are the best songs on the CD, but the best song from the Pop era is the Discotheque B-side of Holy Joe.

5. How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb - This disc and its ridiculous title are the finest example of where the band is in their third decade. It alternates between preachy and inane, but from beginning to end its a solid collection of songs. Vertigo, Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own, City of Blinding Lights, and Original of the Species all need to make it on your iPod.

4. Rattle & Hum - This is a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles...we're stealin it back! At the time of its release, some thought this album coupled with the movie were a little self indulgent. That may very well be true, but its also a collection of brilliant and beautifully written music. Van Diemen's Land (Edge on lead vocals!), Love Rescue Me, Heartland, and All I Want is You with its midget love story video are among my favorite U2 songs.

3. The Joshua Tree - The Joshua Tree first put U2 on the map for a lot of people and is widely considered one of the greatest rock albums of all time. The Irish homage to America's wide open spaces still holds up after 22 years. If you own one of the 25 million copies of this album that have been sold, you're already familiar with Where the Streets Have No Name, With or Without You, In God's Country, and Exit.

2. Zooropa - Zooropa often falls through the cracks, but its basically Achtung Baby Part II. It was written and recorded while the band was on their epic Zoo TV world tour. They were the biggest band in the world at the time and the CD just oozes the fact that they knew it. They were free to experiment and we got gems like Numb, Zooropa, and Lemon on the same disc as classic U2 style songs like Stay (Faraway so Close).

1. Achtung Baby - Music achieved perfection in 1991 when Achtung Baby hit the shelves. I have my doubts any CD will be this awesome again. U2 completely reinvented themselves musically while retaining the essence of what had made the band so popular in the 1980's. Words can't really express how great this album is from beginning to end, so I'll stop trying. I love the entire disc, but The Fly, Ultra Violet, Mysterious Ways, and One need to be on any respectable U2 playlist.

The best album of all time.

U2 in Glendale, AZ 10/20/2009

Back in March, I buried U2 following the release of No Line on the Horizon which I felt, for the most part, was mailed in. I like it more than I did then, but its still a pretty weak effort. In spite of that, I still love the band's larger body of work. I had planned to see them at the Rose Bowl, but ticket prices were off the charts. Fortunately, Blue Napkins found reasonably prices GA tickets for the show in Arizona, just a few short hours away by car. It was on.

First let me say as a Cardinals fan, it was pretty sweet seeing University of Phoenix Stadium from the field. Second, the opening act was the Black Eyed Peas. I love the Peas. They're a bit of a strange choice to open for U2, but since I'm one of the handful of people who likes both bands I was pumped. They didn't disappoint, coming out with a green laser lit stage show and bass strong enough to create a breeze. They played a solid hour before giving way to U2.

I didn't quite know what to expect. No Line wasn't great and worse, Bono's voice had been declining in recent years. Within a couple songs, it was clear Bono was at the top of his game. We were in the "inner circle" so we were periodically treated to The Edge walking over our heads on the mobile bridge. The set list was pretty heavy with new material, but they played two of the best tracks on it, No Line on the Horizon and Magnificent. I'll Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight was a pretty pedestrian song on the CD, but for the tour they have morphed it into a bizarre tribal disco song which was amazing. Overall, I give the venue, opening act, and U2 all raves. One of the best shows I've been to. The entire set list can be found here courtesy of The Arizona Republic.

Highlights: Magnificent, I'll Go Crazy remix, Where the Streets Have No Name (the visuals paid homage to their performance at Sun Devil Stadium for Rattle and Hum), and Ultra Violet

WTF Moment: Concert goers were asked to put on masks of a Burmese political dissident for Walk On and masked ONE campaign volunteers took the stage during the performance. It was a noble cause, but the act was just a bit over the top.

The NLCS: Dodgers vs. Phillies

So, here we are …

Baseball is often called the national pastime, but in recent decades, it is safe to assert that it has lost that honored designation to some extent. The major league minimum salary exceeds the average American’s annual income by almost twelve times over, an increase of 800% over what players earned from the 1940s to the 1960s. Those years were some of the greatest that baseball ever had, when its heroes became icons in the national church of sport. The October greatness that baseball brought to the culture gave the World Series the honored title of the “Fall Classic” – somehow, the tainting of the game by PEDs, greedy free agents, stratospheric ticket prices, and bellicose fans aplenty at the ballparks makes one wonder if this is the same game my father watched when America fought the commies in Korea while Ted Williams flew a navy fighter jet in Pyongyang.

Whatever…

I love this game so damned much that even with its many black eyes, I still awaken each day, and along with my coffee and love of fried bacon, I pull up the standings between April and September so I can see where my Dodgers stand. I usually know the previous night’s score and how many games back they are, but I look anyway. And as the weather cools a bit, yes, even in lizard-hot SoCal, I pray LA will put a team into the postseason.

And in recent years, while the Angels of OC have been fielding competitive teams for the last decade, it has been good to see my Dodgers back in the playoff hunt again after a rough decade. They have been there before – 2004 versus the Cards (lost in four games); 2006 versus the Mets (swept in three); 2008 versus the Cubs and Phillies (swept Chicago, but lost in four games to Philly) – but the Dodgers have not won a World Series since I was a youthful and utterly annoying 23 year-old in 1988. At 44, I can taste the familiar feeling of a potential title team again, and I see it in the swagger these blue-clad lads display on the field. But I am also a wiser, wider 44 year-old, too. I know you do not always get what you want in this game called baseball. Sometimes, you get close and then see that proximity become a chasm all too quickly, leaving you with a long, cold winter to ponder the many questions that made your team fall short.

And still, I love baseball, and I love the Los Angeles Dodgers all the more.

PLAYOFFS!

Tonight at Dodger Stadium, the Philadelphia Phillies matchup against the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Phillies are favored by the oddsmakers, and that is fine for Dodger fans, trust me. The Phils are very good, but they are not guaranteed anything just because they are defending World Series champions either. Their bullpen is flaky and their lineup has holes in it. The Dodgers are young but they also are tempered by last season’s defeat to this same Philly squad.

The following breakdown is not scientific, but it is my basic snapshot at why I am picking the Dodgers in six games (out of a best of seven) to defeat the Phils. I see three reasons why LA will beat the defending champs: team speed, hot hitting, and power pitchers.

SPEED KILLS
Philly has Rollins and Utley, who are quick and intelligent baserunners and infielders. Victorino has better than average speed, as does Werth, but no one will mistake the Philly outfield for a herd of gazelles. LA has Furcal in the infield, and with his quickness and rifle arm, and with Kemp and Ethier in the outfield, the Dodgers equal and exceed the Phils for footspeed in their starting lineup. WhenLos Angeles needs a pinch hitter or runner, they can put in Juan Pierre, who is quicker than anyone on either team by three steps, with the possible exception of Kemp, who could have been a running back if he had not opted for baseball.

This Dodger team will run away and hide on a team if given the chance. Of course, you cannot steal first base, so if Philly pitching keeps these Bums off base, then there is no fear of the Blue fleet, of course.

My bet is that LA will exploit their speed, on defense by getting to ground balls and line drives, and on the bases when they get on them. Furcal at leadoff is essential to this process, as he was in the NLDS versus the Cards. If the Dodger shortstop gets on base twice in a game, the Dodgers play almost .750 ball. If he goes 0-for-whatever, they play well under .500. The same goes for Philly with Rollins. Look for the leadoff men to indicate if speed will kill in this series.

POWER, POWER, POWER…
Manny can go deep, but will he?

What would you think if I said I don’t care if does or not? Because if he doesn’t … LA can still score.

Last year, it was a question of “No Manny, No Win” but with a lineup that puts Kemp, Ethier, and Blake up against the Philly pitchers, and the recently hot bats of Furcal and Belliard to boot, this Dodger team can score with what they have. IF Manny is hot . . . it will then be a question of how many runs this team wins by. Everyone knows that. Charlie Manuel sure as hell knows. They will pitch around Manny if he is, indeed, back on his game. But nobody gets well pitching to Blake or Kemp to get past Ramirez. This year proved that LA’s power is in their youth and those same kids got them 95 regular season wins.

Then, just when it was Kidville, along came veterans like Loretta and Thome this season to bring experience into that youth culture. Thome is not his old self, and Loretta is no crusher, but they know how to hit and will be counted on to do so at the drop of a hat. LA’s bench is more powerful than Philly’s, not in its slugging, but in its tested strength over the year – to deliver an rbi, to move a runner over, or to do the smart thing. Benches and bullpens are often what Torre’s champions won with back in New York, and if he wins it again with LA, it will be with the power of these two oft-overlooked aspects of his team.

Don’t get me wrong – Ibanez, Howard, and Werth have pop. Stairs off the bench? He took Broxton deeper than Linda Lovelace last October and if a Dodger pitcher grooves any fastballs high middle to those guys again, the ball will go very, very far indeed.

Still, my bet is that LA’s power will be there in the NLDS. This team has an awareness that their lineup can comeback from ANY deficit. That is invaluable to a young team like the Dodgers have here. And … last year’s loss in five to Philly is incentive enough to keep the Bums focused, too. Winning it again is mathematically difficult for any team, so that benefits LA as well.

But math is not the subject in baseball this time of year … the subject is pitching. And that brings me to …

BULLPENS
I think everybody knows that if LA leads after six innings, LA will win that game. Everyone with an attached brainstem is aware of this cold hard fact. If the speed and power of LA comes together as it should, then this series will go to LA. Broxton alone is five times the pitcher any Philly bullpen man is – when you add Sherrill, Belisario, Kuo, and Billingsley to back up a failing or tired starter, LA is a powerhouse. The Philly hitters are smart and quick and able – they will try their best to get to Dodger starters early. They will hope to shakeup young Kershaw, who is only 21 years old. They will put Wolf’s junkball 80something pitches into play if they can, and they will test Padilla’s temper and Kuroda’s psychosis (post-line drive to the noggin related, that is) because one thing Philadelphia DOES NOT WANT is to be trailing the Dodgers with three innings to play.

As good as Carpenter and Wainwright are, Hamels and Lee are equally daunting to any lineup. Philly pitchers got them past some good teams to get this far, and they want more champagne in late Fall to go with last year’s party.

This blogger counts on Blue to trump Red, however. LA is faster where speed is needed, more powerful (and hot at the moment) 1-8 in the lineup and off the bench, and far and away the better team off the mound.

KEYS TO VICTORY

Phils

- Get to LA pitchers early & neutralize the Dodger bullpen … LA cannot dominate with their 100 mph bully if their starters give up the lead early

- Howard & Ibanez driving in runs … if they have men on, these two will get their fastballs . . . and they find gaps when they connect

- Stealing on Martin … he’s a good catcher, but he’s no Jim Sundberg … and with Rollins, Utley, Werth, and Victorino stealing 99 bases this season, Russell cannot let the rabbits loose, and LA pitchers have to hold them close

Dodgers

- The Leadoff Man: if LA gets Furcal on to start the game, they score. If they lead off any inning and earn a base, they tend to score. And if LA scores early, they win 82% of their games this past season.

- Andre Ethier’s bat … A-Eth hit .194 in 165 at bats versus lefties this season, which makes him a liability with Philly’s many southpaws. But if Andre is able to hit Hamels, Happ, and Lee effectively in this series, that may be the pivot point for LA’s offensive success. If Ethier goes off, this whole Dodger lineup will explode around him.

- Working the Count: if Dodger hitters are patient with those lefty starters and their sweeping sliders, they may draw more walks. If they do, Ruiz will be taxed to throw out runners, and the pitcher will have to come with more fastballs. And that will be a huge success for the Dodgers if they can do that . . . so patience is crucial.

PREDICTION: Los Angeles in six games over Philadelphia

I picked the Cardinals as the winners of the last series … with my wallet. But I never ACTUALLY bet on the series, so I guess my money is safe in that sense. My heart picked the Dodgers in five, so they swept St. Louis, just to make a monkey out of me. So my pick here may have little veracity.

But I do believe that this will be a great series, and I expect the pitching to be superb on both sides. There may be one careless blowout game either way, but I would not be shocked if every game wound up 2-1, 3-2, or even went to extra innings scoreless at one point.

I greatly respect this Philly team, but honestly, I believed LA-StL was the series for the NL Pennant. And I still hold to that prediction.

The Dodgers are the better baseball team overall and they should win this series. But they still have to prove that on the field in a best of seven series.

I hope it’s a good one . . .

Go Dodgers!

Finski

ALCS & NLCS Prognostications

Skynet blogger and real person Finksi didn't do so well predicting the outcome of the Dodgers and Cardinals NLDS series, so this time around we've dispatched two fictional characters to preview the ALCS and NLCS. What the hell - its worth a shot. Without further ado, Skynet is proud to present the profound prognostications effeminate vampire Edward Cullen and the Prophet Muhammad.



ALCS
California Angels (97-65) at New York Yankee$ (103-59)

Edward: As you know from your dogged devotion to the insane ramblings of middle aged shrew Stephanie Meyer, we Cullens love baseball. In fact, the only thing we love more is being sexlicious. That said, I can't show any love for this series. Where are my beloved Seattle Mariners? Oh yes, they're quite dreadful. Little known fact: Ichiro sparkles in the sunlight as well, that's why he stays with that rubbish team. I don't know who to pick. I lied earlier. I don't really follow baseball. Who can find the time? My hair isn't this disheveled naturally you know. It takes hours. Every day. I guess I'll take the Angels in 6.

Muhammad: This match-up makes me SO ANGRY! GRRRR! Think about it, I get to choose between servants of the Christian god or Yankee imperialists who are undoubtedly under the control of the Zionists. Why couldn't the Twins have made it? Now there's a proper Muslim team. Ron Gardenhire won't let his wife drive. I don't care who wins this series. Go with whatever the queer vampire says.

NLCS
Philadelphia Phillies (93-69) at Los Angeles Dodgers (95-67)

Muhammad: I don't know what a Phillie or a Dodger is. Isn't a Phillie some sort of horse? Arabian horses are the shit. They aren't horses? Fuck. Apparently this is a replay of last year's NLCS. The Phillies won that one. Lightning doesn't strike twice, plus Los Angeles has their secret weapon this year: Vicente Padilla. Dodgers in 5.

Edward: Hmmm? My turn? Sorry, I was brooding. People in Philadelphia aren't very sexy. No one sparkles there. Oh sure, a few glisten, but that's because they are covered in grease from their dreadful food. These "cheese steak" things are simply abominable. That rot goes straight to my thighs. The Native American kids/werewolves seem to be high on the Phillies, so naturally I have to swing the other way. Dodgers in 7.

* * * * * * * * * *

So there it is, Edward Cullen and the Prophet Muhammad predict an Angels/Dodgers world series. Wouldn't that just cause a wave of aneurysms at ESPN! I've been rooting for a "Freeway Series" pretty much since I began following the game and this is the closest we've ever been, so who am I to disagree? Go Dodgers!

NLDS Baseball: Red Hate, Blue Fate

This is a series to watch if you want to see the NL Champion play now in case you miss the Fall Classic in a few weeks . . .

I have one clear-cut prediction to make here, and that is whichever team wins this series, I will bet every dollar in my meager bank account ... that team will play in the World Series. I thought I'd piss off a few people right away with that less-than-bold prognostication (for Rox fans - that word means 'an advance prediction/indication of events to come' ... just wanted to help you out). The Rox cannot beat the Dodgers this year and LA matches up very well versus a weakened bullpen in Philly, while the Cards have far & away the NL's best rotation & best overall player in the game in Pujols.

But my points below are less than fluffy across the board. I do not feel good about playing a Cards team that manhandled my Blue the last five years. Yes, the Cards have bumbled around the last two weeks as well, and they look more beatable than they have all year right now. But these two teams ARE the NL's best, hands down. It just a matter of who does what and when under pressure.

So here are my predictions of what I believe will be a foretaste of World Series excellence for at least one of these teams, the things which MUST or CAN'T HAPPEN to either team ...

Must Happen - StL:

- Pujols and Holliday On Fire: These two guys are powerhouses and if they heat up, forget beating the Cardinals. You cannot pitch around God and Jesus at the same time, and these two, if hot, officially comprise 2/3 of the Holy Trinity of the modern five-tool player. I'd be content to be a StL fan if these two crusha-lot in October

- Top & Bottom Lineup OBP: LaRussa juggles this lineup quite a bit (see below), but when Schumaker leads off and Molina bats 8th, this lineup is dangerous because both guys had above average on-base-percentages (.363 & .366 respectively). It's bad enough with Pujols and Holliday making your life miserable, but these two are not shabby on their own. I've seen both players be the fly in the Dodger ointment enough already, so if I see them getting on base, StL pitching will be LA's least problem. Molina is especially brutal at Dodger Stadium, where he's 3-for-7 with two 2B this season alone.

- Pitching Deep: If StL starters are still pitching in the 7th, StL wins. The end. Their bullpen isn't as good as LA's, but it's good enough to manage two innings with a lead, which it usually has with the lineup that bats 1-8 in this town. Cards fans love Carpy and Wainwright because they are strong for two turns through a lineup. Dodger fans tremble to think they'll see either man walking to the mound before or during a 7th inning stretch. Key stat: In September, Carpenter and Wainwright are a tag-team monstrosity: 73 strikeouts, average ERA of about 2.65, and 67 hits allowed in 75 innings, only two for home runs . . . Judas priest . . .

Must Happen - LA:

- Furcal Rockin' the Leadoff: As goes the leadoff man, so goes this team - Furcal has to earn bases or this series will be one short misery for LA. I love my Dodgers and always will, but this Latino headcase has one job - get on base, run like a deer, and make StL pitchers worry about him instead of whoever is at the plate. To his credit, Rafael has been swinging and running better the last two weeks, but he needs to try his bunt more often and pester the pitcher when he does get on. Because of back pain, he ran less this season than ever before, so Dodger fans pray for a Furcal in motion ... for Newtonian purposes if nothing else.

- Manny Being Something Like Last Year: The bane of all the whining maggot opponents who (regardless of their bull**it denials of same) wish Manny played on their team, Mr. Ramirez has to be his October self for LA to win. I would have listed this first except that Manny hit a number of solo jacks and doubles this year when Furcal was not ahead of him, which is why the Dodger SS must do his thing for Manny to do his. Alone, Manny is a handful for pitchers when his game is on, but with help and a hot ManRam (does that read as pornographically as it felt typing it?), Los Angeles is a juggernaut that rivals Pujols & Pals for incendiary offensive potential.

- First Strike Starters: Simply put, Dodger pitching is best when they are around the plate; the defense is solid and can field the ball, and Dodger Stadium & Busch are tough to go deep in, so putting the ball in play is a good thing. Whenever Dodger starters, especially Wolf and Kershaw, get the ball over early, opposing hitters swing sooner than they want to and LA benefits. Dodger fans smile at 0-1 counts because it bodes well for victory, especially so with the NL's best bullpen behind those starters.

Can't Happen - StL:

- Prince Albert in a Can: If you quiet Pujols, you just defeated Poseidon at sea. Any damn fool knows that if you keep Albert below a hit a game or off the bases entirely, you magnify your chances to win. StL fans love Albert, and he's lovable win or lose, as he's as much a gentleman as the game has right now. But Missouri will weep the river over its banks if Albert goes 0-for-October. He's simply the best there is, and he has to show up. If he doesn't, I hope Cards fans don't mind watching the Rams lose because that'll be all they have to do for awhile...

- Pitching a Fit: Of late, Carpenter and Wainwright have been amazing, but the same cannot be said for Lohse, Franklin, Smoltz or Pineiro. Maybe it's because they ran away with the division and they lost their edge, or maybe it's a psych job on the Dodgers. But if the season has worn them down and they can't get ahead early and make hitters go for their breaking balls disguised as heaters, Cards fans will twitch all the way to Christmas. True, Carpy and Wain appear formidably unbeatable, but if LA beats one of those studs, they face a staff that is less than impressive and even at Busch, can be gotten to.

- Micro-Tony, the Fat Vegetarian: I'm no fan of the Cardinal skipper. He worries the lineup with his fiddling about and his back & forth moves in the lineup. Torre is bad but LaRussa is worse. His foolishness in this manner mangled the Cards a few years ago in the World Series when they got beat by the BoSox. He either leaves a pitcher in too long, pulls him too early, or switches a hitter out a slot and kills someone else's rhythm. LaRussa is tabbed a genius but he reminds me of Lumberg in "Office Space" . . . and he doesn't eat meat, can't handle his booze, and he's a bit fat for an Italian . . . oh wait, Lasorda is too . . . so that last part may be dismissed . . .

Can't Happen - LA:

- No Show Offense: Dear Dodgers, April was a lovely month for baseball, so please try to hit that way. Your second half slumber on many a summer's night was surviveable because you had a lead bigger than Glenn Beck's ego and you had two suckass teams chasing you that couldn't catch the clap in a French cathouse. I'd make this blurb more specific, like who should hit what or why this position needs these stats, but LA won games on different bats all year, albeit most dramatically via Andre's walkoffs and Manny's Bobblehead BigFly. But Judas . . . this is the playoffs; score like before or play golf in mid-October. The End. This isn't poetry, it's baseball.

- In God We Trust, But Not Billingsley & McDonald: Chad is talented, but if Torre opts to start the kid, it's a white flag (thank you, Gov X), and if you see LB Poly's McD leaving the bully and heading to a mound, pray for lightning. Both of these lads mean well and have some game, but for whatever mental or developmental reasons, they are not ready for prime time. Mop up, OK, but both need splinters in their butts before entering a game of any tightness whatsoever.

- Playing the Fop: If a game gets tight, or a Cardinal needs to get plunked, or a catcher needs to be knocked over, LA cannot pretend to be a gentleman. This is hardball and any attempt to be nicey-nice will lose the Dodgers a game and the series, just like that same lack of killer instinct lost the series to Philly last year. Play like a man or go home now, Blue.

PREDICTION: from the heart, LA in 5, from the wallet, StL in 4.

If LA loses, Clayton's start at home in Game 2 will be their sole victory, and if LA wins it , they'll split at home and win Game 3 in StL, forcing a dramatic Game Five in LA.

So have some huevos and call the series now - any jackass who thinks he can predict stuff two days after it wraps shall receive my utter disdain and vitriolic redress.

And I wear one piece of gear: Jackie Robinson's #42 Dodger jersey. If you are the type who buys the eventual winner's gear after it's all over - please go get a vasectomy or tubal ligation. Weaklings and pukes that do that deserve not the pleasures of the mating process, nor the infected offspring that generate from their unnatural union.

"Look upon the hideous site! Bandwagoners in brand-new Angel jerseys are making the beast with two backs! BURN THE APOSTATES!!!" ~ comment heard outside Anaslime Stadium in November of 2002 . . .

Addendum: Biggest Joy/Flop for StL/LA in series...

StL Joy: Mark DeRosa's play will be solid, on the field & basepaths, making Cub Nation slice their collective wrists and wish they'd never been born in the first place...

StL Flop: John Smoltz's journeyman rep will be tarnished when the BoSox version of his rag-arm shows up and gets shredded by Dodger bats...

LA Joy: Ethier's bat will re-awaken & make Billy Beane commit seppuku, and Kemp will shine in CF, with arm & glove alike...

LA Flop: Loney & Hudson will hit weakly, and will score less than Bill Clinton at a lesbian social ...

Yours in October Love,

Finski, Dodger Fan, always and forever . . .